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the world is asleep. well, maybe not the entire world, but it could've fooled them. it's dark, and there's not a sound beyond the rain tapping at the windows and wind blowing just hard enough to shift the building every now and again. the weather provides a comforting white noise for benrey, disrupting what would otherwise be a suffocating and lonely silence.
well… they're still lonely, but they at least have the rain to keep them somewhat distracted, right? it's better than nothing, which is what they would be left with if the storm had not chosen to fall tonight.
sure, there's the tv and ps4 for them to entertain themself with but…
benrey isn't exactly doing great right now. and the thought of using anything that wasn't actually their's made their stomach twist in guilt. which is why they're currently laying on the cold tile floor in the living room, curled beneath a ratty throw blanket which is one of the very few items they'd bought themself years ago. they're trembling and uncomfortable, but they ignore it in favor of trying very hard not to think about anything beyond the raindrops hitting the large living room window in a quiet, uneven rhythm.
it's about 3 a.m., they think. they're not entirely sure, but they know they'd slipped out of bed at around 2, unable to sleep and overwhelmed with a plethora of negative emotions. they'd known if they'd stuck around for too long they would have caved and disturbed gordon from his well deserved and much needed rest just so they could bitch about their stupid, shitty feelings. they've done that enough. gordon deserves better. they can handle it on their own, they don't need to be bothering anyone else. especially not him.
with a shiver, benrey slowly pulls the blanket tighter around themself. they frown at the window, their chest tightening at the thought of gordon. he deserves better . not for the first time, benrey wonders what the fuck he sees in them. after everything they'd done… even if they hadn't been in complete control for some of it, that doesn't matter because they'd hurt him. how could he forgive them? how could he love them?
he deserves so much better.
benrey's frown deepens, and they feel their eyes burn with unshed tears. gordon has told them time and time again that he forgives them, that he loves them, but it's still difficult to fully comprehend in the best of times. moments like this… benrey finds it downright impossible to be true. how can gordon care about something like them? why should he? would he not be happier with them out of his life?
the thought makes benrey's heart ache. it is true, isn't it? gordon puts so much time and money and effort into benrey and what do they have to give in return? they offer nothing of value that can't be easily replaced. they're just stress on gordon. he likely only keeps them around because he feels guilty because he's just that kind of guy. heart too big for his own good.
not for the first time, benrey wonders if maybe gordon will realize how much better off he is without benrey if they were to just… disappear. sure, he'd be sad at first but surely he'd see just how much happier he is when he's not having to worry about someone so useless and horrible. he'd probably even be able to find someone actually worth his time and love.
benrey sits up, feeling very suddenly overwhelmed with the whirlwind of negative thoughts and emotions. they can't hold back a low string of navy blue to dark red sweet voice and the colors only serve to make them feel worse. they shouldn't be thinking shit like that, they know it but god, it's hard not to believe it right now. benrey takes a breath, and desperately wills themself to stay in place because -
because the window looks so tempting. so does the bathroom. hell, even the kitchen. it would be so easy to just –
they sing out more of the same sweet voice and grab at their hair, before forcing themself to lay back onto the ground. their eyes sting and they blink back tears, refusing to let themself cry.
"Ben? Baby? What are you doing out here?" gordon's rough, sleep-ridden voice startles benrey from their thoughts, and they bolt upright, whipping around to look at him. he's standing at the doorway to the living room, hair an endearingly wild mess and eyes bleary but clearly concerned. benrey opens their mouth to answer, but all that comes out is more of that sweet voice – navy blue to dark red. they quickly clamp a hand over their mouth to prevent anymore from slipping out but they know it's too late.
gordon's gaze is already far more alert and he's squinting at the sweet voice in that way that benrey knows means he's trying to decipher it. it's then that benrey regrets offering to teach him to translate it. of course it makes communication easier but god this is not something benrey wants communicated.
"... to dark red," gordon's mumbling to himself. benrey doesn't bother trying to stop him, knowing it'll only make things worse if they do. they sit there, and look back out at the window, cheeks burning in shame.
"I'd rather be…" gordon says, and then goes silent. benrey can almost imagine his face. confusion melting into worry and fear and dread. " Benrey."
gordon's on them in seconds, arms wrapping tightly around benrey's shoulders, face tucked against their shoulder as he murmurs reassurances and love against their skin. benrey sits there, and tries and tries and fails not to cry. the tears are pouring down their face like the rain on the window and they turn so they can hug gordon back and hide against him like the coward they are. his arms tighten around them, and he practically drags them into his lap and they go with ease, pushing themself impossibly closer as they wail into his chest.
he holds them through it, rocks them gently and mumbles to them, tells them he loves them more than anything, that he's happy they're with him, that he'd be lost without them. it all serves to make them feel simultaneously leagues better and worse. so they don't say anything, just cry and cry until they can't anymore. then they just hold onto him tightly, trembling in his arms and focusing on their breathing.
gordon’s hand is shaking as he runs it through their hair, and his voice is thick as he speaks. benrey can’t help the guilt at making him worry so much over them. them and their stupid thoughts and stupid emotions and -
gordon shushes them quietly, and kisses their head and tells them it’s going to be okay. they melt against him, and would have probably started crying all over again if they didn’t feel so drained. they nuzzle his neck lazily, and kiss the skin exposed, the faintest of smiles pulling at their lips at the small hitch in breath they get in response. gordon pulls back then, just enough so they can look at one another.
he’s beautiful. his hair sticks out at odd angles, peppered with early greying and his eyes are rimmed red with everlasting bags of exhaustion beneath them. his cheeks are slightly wet from tears of his own, and he’s so fucking beautiful. and he’s looking at benrey as if they were everything. it’s overwhelming, makes their head buzz and their stomach flutter. they wonder if they look the same to him. is their adoration clear to him? is he aware of how much they love him? how far they’re willing to go just to make him smile?
benrey doesn’t even realize they’re singing until their view is partially clouded by hazy pink and white sweet voice. they feel their cheeks burn and quickly clam up, blush only growing worse when gordon lets out a huff of soft laughter. of course he knows what this one means - benrey sings it so much it’s probably burned into his brain at this point. it’s still embarrassing how easy it is for them to lose control like that, but it’s not a bad feeling because it made gordon smile, even if it was only for a few moments.
as the sweet voice slowly disperses leaving behind a pleasant smell of strawberry cream candy, gordon’s focus returns to benrey, much more serious once more. he slowly cups benrey’s cheek with his left hand, the other still wrapped firmly around them, and they instinctively lean into the touch. his thumb brushes their cheek, and he lets out a soft sound.
“How are you feeling, Ben?” gordon asks gently. benrey thinks about it. they’re not feeling great, still, but they’re definitely doing better. the negative thoughts no longer overpowering all the others. their head feels a bit clearer, like they’d been wandering in a thick fog before and it was finally thinning out just enough for them to see. they shrug.
“better. ish. i don’t know.” they say. gordon considers it.
“On a scale of 1-10 then. One being how you felt when I walked in and 10 being how it felt when we first got the PS4.” gordon suggests, smiling a little. benrey scoffs, but it’s less at gordon’s attempt at lightening the mood and more at the implication that benrey had been the happiest around gordon upon getting the console.
(benrey, off the top of their head, could think of many moments where they’d been their happiest. such as the night gordon has confessed his returned feelings for benrey. or their first kiss. or the day joshua had first called benrey papa. or at coomer’s and bubby’s wedding when gordon had brought benrey onto the dance floor, surrounded by the people benrey considered family, and benrey had finally built up the nerve to say ‘i love you’ and instead of being disgusted or repulsed by them, gordon had smiled so wide and said ‘i love you too’. the point is, benrey’s felt happiness far beyond the surface level joy of getting what ultimately amounted to a very expensive toy.)
benrey blinks themself from their thoughts, and finds gordon looking at them patiently, waiting for their response. they bite their lip and shrug again.
“idk, maybe like.. a 4? 5?” benrey says, and gordon nods, seeming satisfied with their answer. he gives them a small kiss on their forehead, before shifting to stand up. benrey whines, but stands with him, arms still tight around his shoulders. they may be feeling better but they’re still shaky and they feel as if they might fall back at any moment, both literally and mentally. gordon doesn’t complain, and in fact moves to swiftly scoop them up so he’s holding them bridal style. benrey lets out a small yelp, and clutches onto gordon, face burning.
gordon carries them to their bedroom, gently depositing benrey onto their bed before climbing in next to them. he sets his glasses on the nightstand and then brings their large, soft comforter over the both of them. as soon as he’s settled, benrey’s quick to latch back onto him. gordon huffs quietly in amusement, shifting until benrey is practically sprawled on top of him, face buried in his chest and legs tangled together. he runs a hand through benrey’s hair, the other snuggly wrapped around their waist.
it’s a quiet, comfortable routine. benrey can almost pretend they’re just winding down for bed after a night of watching shitty horror movies and eating takeout, but the lingering sadness and guilt, paired with how noticeably tense the silence is prevents them from fully sinking into to the fantasy.
after a few minutes, gordon’s hand stills, and he sighs.
“You know we’re going to have to talk about it, right?” he asks, voice a soft rumble, mixing pleasantly with the patter of the rain still falling outside. benrey’s arms tighten around gordon, and they nod. a few moments pass, and then gordon kisses their head and his hand starts playing with their hair once more. “Alright. Tomorrow, then. For now we both deserve some sleep.”
benrey nods again. gordon, satisfied, finally settles completely, relaxing in benrey’s arms. benrey shifts then, moving just enough so they can kiss the exposed skin beneath their head. they look up and see gordon looking back at them, likely only able to make eye contact due to the glow their eyes provide in the dark of the room.
“thank you,” they mumble against him. gordon just smiles, and tucks some of their hair behind their ear.
“You don’t have to thank me, Ben. I’m here for you, okay? Always.” gordon leans down, and kisses their forehead again. he lingers for a few moments before he settles back against the bed, leaving benrey’s skin practically burning where his lips had touched. “Don’t ever think you can’t come to me.”
their throat feels thick with emotion, and they can only nod again to show they heard him. they might start crying again if they try to speak now. gordon just nods in response, smiling softly.
“I love you,” he says. benrey swallows, tries not to cry.
“i love you too.”
if they cry a little more, gordon says nothing about it. he holds them until they’re finally able to fall asleep, and he’s quick to follow.
benrey dreams of safety and love and wakes up feeling, for the first time, like things might turn out okay.