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Looking back on it, it was the little things that began adding up and eventually collapsed between the weight of his hands.
It was the friendly gaze that suddenly became a stranger. Tsukishima always had a piercing gaze, reaching beyond the court. From the sidelines, Yamaguchi could always sense his strength, his pride, and his focus with the way his eyes glowed with determination. Once they were off the court, that gaze faded away, back to normal, salty Tsukishima Kei. Yamaguchi was always searching for his gaze to be returned, along with the attention that came with it. His gaze was often avoided, and even worse, immediately ignored. Yamaguchi stopped seeing his friend search for him, only faced with a back that was turned to him.
It was the avoidance of faint touches that was supposed to be skin brushing against skin. Yamaguchi reasoned they weren’t kids anymore, but he hoped that he’d be seen as a comfort, someone safe to rely on. Tsukishima pulled his hand away at the most unnecessary times, sending Yamaguchi's heart sinking below the sea. Yamaguchi immediately picked up on his discomfort once he tried to hug him, and the rejection was so bad that he stopped searching for the warmth of his skin.
Lastly, the most provoking source of pain, it was the blooming smile that made him believe he was special. If Tsukishima smiled at him, he knew it'd be okay. But Tsukishima’s smile lost its familiarity as they aged, eventually fading at adulthood. His smile that filled Yamaguchi’s heart with warmth was replaced with a condescending frown that tore his heart to pieces.
The distance between them had already grown heavy in the air by their second year. By their third year, it was suffocating. Their unbreakable relationship might’ve converted into something similar to a business relationship, a captain and his vice— there was no room for growth, because the flowers were already wilting. Yamaguchi doesn’t know where he went wrong. Every time he looked to the moon for comfort, it mocked him with its scornful gaze. He cursed the moon, and everything that reminded him of Tsukishima.
At sixteen, Yamaguchi might've believed in true love. He might've had hope that convinced him it was nearby, just waiting for him to seek it out. Now, at twenty two, he labels true love as a fairy tale—always in sight but out of reach to the lonely traveler. If he were to describe love, he’d mention suffering, and how growth can only come after suffering. Something might grow, amongst the barren, suffering wasteland, some special fruit that is ripe just for him.
Yachi Hitoka was the solace he sought after, his pillar of comfort during the rougher years. When she first approached Yamaguchi, the stars radiated in her eyes when she made her feelings clear to him. Even after a polite rejection, she continued to stick by him. Yamaguchi felt painfully guilty about it out of concern for her feelings but Yachi reassured him that it was okay, and they left it at that.
Some nights, when Yamaguchi was swept up in thoughts of his one-sided love, he poured his tears and heart out over a phone call with Yachi. She calmed him, spoke words of reassurance that continued until he had fallen asleep from the exhaustion of pining. She held his hand on days when he had to watch Tsukishima walk off with a girl whose name he didn't know. She was still by his side after graduation, after two more continuous years of guilt and almost two more years of moving on. She was patient, caring, and understanding—something he never found in Tsukishima.
Yamaguchi was glad to have a friend who’d still be by his side, but the lingering guilt that tightened his chest never made him feel fully free by her side. Still, after four year’s worth of recovery (or just getting over your best friend), the guilt was lessened, and he started to feel free. He felt ready to begin anew. With time, their relationship became more definitive, crossing over vague boundaries and stepping over broken memories. A new love was blooming, one with a promising harvest that Yamaguchi deemed satisfactory.
Yachi preserved the stars that Yamaguchi discovered so many years ago. Time had aged both of them, but it was one of the few things that hadn’t changed—an everlasting vessel in the ripple of time. To Yamaguchi, she was a galaxy that refused to die out, managing to sparkle with a brilliance he fondly sought after.
Her smile was motivation that kept his feet moving. The way her smile stretched when she saw Yamaguchi made butterflies swarm, and he believed it was his paradise.
“Yamaguchi-kun! You’re here,” she laughs out happily, sending clouds of warm breath to the heavens. In the chilly night, she was mesmerizing, and Yamaguchi couldn’t look away from her when he caught up to her, cheeks tinted with a flush.
“Why are you— You are so pretty,” he blurts out accidentally, meaning to keep that tucked away in his thoughts. Yachi laughs at him with the warmth of the sun, teasing the harsh blush that covers his cheeks. The moon peeks its head over the horizon and watches them with a profound curiosity.
“Come on, our reservation’s ready.” She pulls at Yamaguchi’s sleeve, leading him into the restaurant they originally planned to meet at. Dinner runs like usual. Yamaguchi’s offer to pay is rejected by Yachi, fervently insisting to take this bill. She makes a show of this while wielding her utensils, and Yamaguchi laughs when she doesn’t realize right away. Dinner topics are widespread, although they’re always careful to tiptoe over conversations mentioning their old classmates.
“Hinata’s flight arrives in a few days. Wanna come with me?” Yamaguchi suggests.
“I’d love to!” Yachi replies almost too enthusiastically, nearly sending her chopstick flying towards the other.
The rest of their meal flies by over the topic of Hinata’s upcoming game. Their conversation involves Hinata and Kageyama, Kageyama and Hinata, always making sure to brush over a certain name, because it would be better if their cheerful dinner wasn’t soiled.
Yamaguchi snatches the bill at the last minute, making Yachi sigh in disbelief. “You can make up for it by going to see the new movie with me that comes out next month.” Her eyes immediately widen. Yamaguchi attempts to spoil the film she’s been looking forward to, but she threateningly waves a utensil in his direction. She lets Yamaguchi pay the bill, but slips over a few bills that she forces him to accept.
“Ah, what a nice dinner,” Yachi proclaims into the night sky, even rubbing her stomach to emphasize her point. “I can’t wait for tomorrow as well!” She looks to Yamaguchi with a bubbly expression.
“Me too,” he breathes out. Yachi takes this silent opportunity to lace her fingers with Yamaguchi, squeezing her grip a little more when he doesn’t reject it. Yamaguchi notes her hands that are smaller than his, but they fit perfectly against the curve of his hand, like it was meant for him. The thought pulls a cheeky grin from him as he swings their connected hands back and forth.
It was nice, being like this. He was forever thankful to the universe for granting an angel to watch over him.
The time comes when Yamaguchi has reluctantly to let her go, wishing her a good night, but not before leaving her with a small word concerning their status and where they stand. The blush that crosses her cheeks is irresistible, and he considers kissing her right there in public, right under the judgmental moon. When she hails a taxi and disappears beyond the horizon, his words are still ringing in her ears—the idea of a future with both of them in it, happily together.
Yamaguchi can’t forget the words he boldly (and embarrassingly) confessed to Yachi. His cheeks are still burning, long after their date, but his heart feels light. He strongly believes he’s ready to take Yachi’s hand without fear.
Plans go as Yamaguchi initially ordered them. He swings by Yachi’s studio, and the girl plops into the shotgun seat with a sunny face. Both of them radiate with excitement as they go to meet Hinata.
Yamaguchi insists on continuing their hand-holding as they trek to Hinata’s terminal. Yachi doesn’t refuse, skipping with a little of pep as they go. Upon arrival, Hinata makes a stifled noise of laughter that doesn't go unnoticed when he spots the two.
“Way to greet your friends,” Yamaguchi jokes when he embraces Hinata in a hug.
“I was just a little surprised!” Hinata proclaims in innocence, sharing a quick embrace with Yachi as well. “By the way,” he scans the area around them, “Kageyama and Tsukishima didn’t come?”
“Ah, no they didn’t,” Yachi chatters nervously. “Maybe another time.”
“That’s okay! Actually, I have something for the both of you.” Hinata pulls at his backpack and rummages through it, surfacing with two shirts and a cute headband. “For you, Yamaguchi.” Hinata hands over two shirts, one mixed with tropical colors and the other a pink, blingy shirt embedded with small jewels. Hinata passes a cute headband over to Yachi. “This one is yours,” Yamaguchi breathes a sigh of relief when Hinata gestures to the tropical one with the text Rio de Janeiro written across it.
“What’s this one, then?” Yamaguchi waves the bright pink one around.
“For Tsukishima! You guys still hang out, right?” Yamaguchi gulps once.
“Yeah, yeah, we do.” He plays along. “I’ll give it to him next time I see him.” He doesn't see the look Yachi throws his way.
“Thanks! I knew I could count on you.” They designate their meeting spot—a small cafe in the terminal—before Hinata leaves to pick up his luggage.
“Are you okay?” Yachi stretches a hand to clasp Yamaguchi’s. Both of them take a seat in the cafe, deciding not to order drinks. If Hinata decides he wants one, then maybe they’ll go along with it.
He looks at her, her expression so full of consideration and sunshine, and knows he could never lie to her. “I should be okay,” he nervously laughs. “I didn’t mean to lie to Hinata. I’ll find a way to explain to him later. Thanks, Yachi.”
Yachi’s face blooms into a scarlet blush. “Please, I didn’t do anything!”
Yamaguchi giggles as he thumbs over her hand. “You were here with me today. That’s all I needed.”
“Aren’t you just a big flirt.” Her blush won’t stop. She swats playfully at the boy when his giggles refuse to cease.
It’s okay, now, because time does heal wounds. He’ll be okay because Yachi is here, holding his hand with the warmth of the sun, and laughing with him like there’s not a single worry to care about. It is his solace, his paradise that makes him feel welcome and safe.
Yamaguchi lies to Hinata again when he says he lost Tsukishima’s number over the years. In truth, the number sits in his contacts with dust piling on it, but not a single message is sent his way. The orange haired boy passes along the contact easily, commenting that the third party—the blond boy—was looking forward to meeting him. Something builds up in his chest, fear maybe—but it doesn’t hurt.
Yamaguchi easily arranges plans with Tsukishima and hopes all the while that it will go well. Yachi doesn't say anything, except reminding him to take the tab. He laughs and says he'll try.
Yamaguchi fidgets with the hem of his shirt. It’s no proper substitute for Yachi’s tender hand, but it’ll have to do. It’s humorous, Yamaguchi thinks, that he’s been to this restaurant before with Yachi, yet, the air is entirely different—it’s tense and ridden with unspoken words.
“Relax,” Tsukishima’s cold voice echoes from across the table. “I can sense how nervous you are from here.” Yamaguchi abruptly stops fidgeting from his end of the table—he hadn’t even realized he was broadcasting how nervous he was.
“So, I heard you went to pick up Hinata the other day,” Tsukishima’s the first to drop a conversation topic in. Yamaguchi relaxes his shoulders and breathes. It’s okay.
“Yeah, I wish you could’ve come along with us, you should’ve seen how tanned he was,” the whole sentence fits in awkwardly, and Yamaguchi feels like suffocating. It’s still okay.
“I don’t have that kind of free time,” Tsukishima dryly replies.
“Oh, so you can’t go if your time isn’t already free?” the blond looks at him questioningly. Yamaguchi avoids his gaze, trying to bring up another topic. “Oh, by the way.” Yamaguchi pulls up a bag that’s sat next to him, unveiling the shirt Hinata passed on to him the other day.
“Hinata wanted you to have this.” The pink jeweled shirt lands in Tsukishima’s hands.
His brows press together in a frown. “I don’t want this at all. Take it back.” He knew he’d meet this kind of refusal.
A laugh starts to bubble in his throat. “He said to give it to you even if you don’t want it!” The cross expression on Tsukishima’s face finally causes the anxiety to tip, and Yamaguchi laughs freely in front of him.
Amidst his laughter, he faintly hears Tsukishima mumble something under his breath, and stops to listen. “Did you say something?”
“No, no, don’t mind me,” the blond coolly takes a sip of his drink. “Anyways, did Hinata tell you why he happened to pick the Jackals?” Yamaguchi silently wonders why he looked so avid on changing the topic.
“He said it was because they’re the best team around that has running tryouts.” Yamaguchi still finds Hinata’s constant yet simple-minded search for growth humorous.
“I’m not surprised at all. That’s a very Hinata thing to do.” Tsukishima smirks.
“Isn’t it?” Yamaguchi laughs again, with more air in his lungs this time.
Dinner is actually enjoyable. His food has flavor, hardly falling flavorless on his tongue. Yamaguchi’s not perfect at faking a facade, but he has no need to as he plays along with Tsukishima’s attempt at stirring awkward conversation topics that stem between high school and the future. Tsukishima tells him about his pursuit of volleyball, and the team he plays for. Never once do they cross the topic of lovers. Yamaguchi doesn’t want know, nor does he give a damn.
Tsukishima pays for the dinner despite Yamaguchi’s protests. The blond doesn’t make a deal of ‘next time,’ like Yamaguchi often does with Yachi, instead he just oddly stares at him before paying the bill.
November is still chilly; he wishes Yachi was here to hold his hand.
“So, have a nice night,” Yamaguchi starts up. “Thanks for the dinner. It was nice to see you after so long.”
“Me too,” Tsukishima replies. The air is silent between them once again. It makes Yamaguchi think back to high school, because right now there’s no way he could carry a conversation like he used to at sixteen. It’s awkward now at twenty two.
“Are you going to Hinata’s match?” Tsukishima softly asks. The boy thinks about how Tsukishima's been trying so hard to stir up conversation. It's strange.
“Yeah, I am.” It reminds him of Yachi, who seemed excited to go with him to the match.
“Let’s watch it together,” his cheeks look red when he makes the suggestion. But it’s probably the November air.
Yamaguchi fumbles to give a proper excuse to turn him down. “I already have plans, I—”
“I paid your bill,” he fusses childishly. Yamaguchi nearly chuckles. “At least come hang out with me,” he sounds like he’s pleading.
Yamaguchi can’t bring himself to argue with the blond. “Fine.” he gives in to the pathetic act. His mind is already racing with excuses to tell Yachi.
“Great.” Tsukishima smiles happily at him, and Yamaguchi returns to the memories of forgotten smiles and better days. For some reason, his chest doesn’t hurt like it used to. The moon curiously twirls the nonexistent hair of its nonexistent beard.
When he begins walking home, when Tsukishima’s long gone, he thinks he can hear the moon calling out to him, pleading him to stay once more and give him another chance. If it were before, he would’ve whirled around and chased after him. Now, a stubborn part of his heart refuses the want to look back, and he continues into the night without a single ghost of his past.
This is his first step forward.
Yamaguchi calmly breaks the news to Yachi. His biggest fear is how she will react. At first, she doesn’t say anything, only continuing to gently stroke his hair as he lays in her lap.
“Okay. That’s fine with me. But ask if I can come along too,” Yamaguchi senses the light jealousy in her voice and smiles up at her.
“If he doesn’t agree, I’ll just forget him altogether,” they both share a laugh over the joke. Supposedly, this is his second step forward.
Tsukishima agrees, seemingly unbothered. Right after his text of agreement, he sends the time and location of their meeting.
“Long time no see, Tsukishima-kun,” Yachi greets him like normal, when they meet up in the stadium’s venue. The blond nods.
Tsukishima guides them to the stands and they all take a seat. Yamaguchi briefly dismisses himself to go buy some food and drinks. Yachi asks to come along, but Yamaguchi shakes his head and reassures her that he’ll be okay. His thoughts revolve around Yachi and Tsukishima, wondering if they'll get along or sit in awkward silence. He's so utterly deep in thought—he barely hears Osamu Miya call out to him in recognition.
When Yamaguchi returns, any fear he has in his chest settles down as Yachi prattles on with the blond about the game and volleyball in general. It’s nice, this environment they’ve created. Yamaguchi slips into the conversation when he sets the food down, commenting on Tsukishima’s preferences and the like.
Yamaguchi finds himself intently watching the match while Tsukishima diligently pours out observation after observation concerning the game. It makes Yamaguchi chuckle to himself as he replies to some of the observations. Was Tsukishima always this much of a volleyball nerd? Time may have changed him a little.
He feels surprisingly free between the two of them. The match draws in all of his attention. He yells until his lungs come up dry and he screams until his throat becomes dry and scratchy. When the match ends, he cheers as loudly as possible for his friends on the court. Reality feels a little lighter.
“Wow, it’s finished,” Yachi exhales with a weary sigh.
“Yeah,” he sighs heavily.
“The season’s just started,” Tsukishima interjects as he flips through the little pamphlet he’s holding. Cold water to the face, Yamaguchi humorously thinks.
“Oh right! I’ll look forward to your match, Tsukki,” the name rolls of his tongue wistfully.
“Me too! I’ll definitely go too!” Yachi pipes up alongside him.
Tsukishima’s expression is thin. “No, you don’t have to,” he protests weakly.
“No, it’s okay! We’ll go!” Yachi and Yamaguchi chime in unison, giggling afterwards when Tsukishima rolls his eyes.
When the trio visits the sidelines to greet both Hinata and Kageyama, all of the high school memories flood back pleasantly. Kageyama looks utterly shocked to see Tsukishima when Hinata introduces the three, twinkling with pride. Yamaguchi doesn’t flinch when Tsukishima stands a little closer to him and doesn’t think much of it afterwards. It’s not so bad.
“If you guys are free, we should hang out sometime!” Yachi’s the first to enthusiastically suggest something. Kageyama and Hinata share a look.
“Sure,” Hinata replies. “Tomorrow or the day after. I’m pooped today. I wanna go home and rest.”
“Me too,” Kageyama says. “We’ll be seeing you.” Kageyama and Hinata take off in the same direction.
Yachi and he are about to leave for the day before Tsukishima speaks up.
“Excuse me, Yachi-san? May I talk to Yamaguchi for a bit? I’ll make it short.” Yamaguchi instinctively looks to Yachi first. Her expression shifts a little, but she still retains her polite countenance.
“Sure, just don’t take too long,” Yachi sends him a look while waving her keys, most likely meaning she’ll be waiting in the car.
“Let’s go,” Tsukishima leads his friend to a quieter spot near the stadium. It’s a small park, decorated with brush and trees that includes a bench the two find a seat at. Yamaguchi uncomfortably shifts against the wooden bench, eagerly waiting for whatever the other may have to say. Perhaps he’ll finally talk about the past, why he treated Yamaguchi so, or maybe this will be their goodbye; he isn’t sure.
“Are you seeing Yachi-san?” Tsukishima says out of nowhere. It’s not what he was expecting at all.
Yamaguchi can sense something strange swell in his chest. “Why do you ask that?” He doesn’t know why he refuses to give a straight answer. Is this the hope from his teenage years?
“I get a feeling whenever I see the two of you together,” he casually replies. “I just wanted to know.”
Tsukishima’s lax words annoy his conscience and won't stop the hope growing in his chest. “Yeah, we are.”
The blond laughs dryly. “I see. Congrats. How long?” How pathetic.
Yamaguchi pauses in thought before answering. “We’ve been seeing each other for years, but we’ve really only been getting serious these past few months.”
He hears Tsukishima sigh. “Wow. That’s pretty cool.” His tone is so dry, it’s confusing him.
“Did you know?” Tsukishima opens to his mouth to say something but immediately closes it. “Never mind, actually.” He pushes himself up from his seat. “I’ll be looking forward to seeing you at my matches.” Ah, what was he hoping for again?
“You sound excited for once,” Yamaguchi decides to tease. A small voice at the back of his mind tells him he was hoping for a confession. It might be better this way.
Tsukishima rolls his eyes and turns to leave. “I take it back. I’ll be seeing you.” Tsukishima’s back is to him now, reminding him of his high school years. If he has to stare at this wall once more, he won't be able to take it. He can't stand it—this ambiguous relationship with its empty words has gone on for too long. If he can get a straight answer, after years of pondering, it'll be worthwhile.
His legs are trembling when he chases Tsukishima down. He will not face this wall anymore, because this is his final step forward.
“What is it?” Tsukishima looks at a flushed Yamaguchi.
He’s gotten this far. He won’t fall back now.
“Actually, Tsukki, I— I have always loved you. I loved you so much that it took me years to get over you. But now, I’m—”
“You’re happy now.” Tsukishima offers him a small grin.
“Yeah,” Yamaguchi breathes out. “I’m happy now.”
“Good,” Tsukishima smiles once more. “I’m glad you could tell me.”
"What about you? Are you happy?" Tsukishima's expression dampens.
"Before, I was unhappy. I couldn't properly admit my feelings. Now, I still can't. So, I'm still unhappy." He laughs bitterly.
Yamaguchi thinks he can see a little hurt in his smile. "Tsukki—" he tries to speak his mind, but the blond cuts him off.
"It'll be okay. I will try to be happy too, because someone else is happy." Tsukishima always tried to appear closed off, but now, he looks so vulnerable.
"I'll be seeing you, Yamaguchi," he says his name so kindly.
"Tsukki! Let's hang out sometime!" Yamaguchi calls out. His friend does not look back while he waves, but the boy is sure there's a grin on his face. Now, he steps in the right direction, towards the person at the end of the road.
Yamaguchi knocks on the tinted glass, watching Yachi drop her phone in a startled fright. He laughs as he’s let into the car, ignoring her protests as he presses a sweet kiss against her cheek.
“W-what was that for?” she stammers out.
His smile is so big it makes his cheeks ache. “Nothing. You just mean so much to me.” She embarrassingly thwacks his shoulder when he continues kissing her face, and he knows he’s in paradise.
The moon may look at him pathetically, but he can hold his head high and tell it he's not afraid anymore.