Chapter Text
Jaskier isn´t sure why he is still surprised.
He was always inadequate. He was never just enough. He knew that.
His father made sure to sear this into his brain. He remembered all the times he was too loud or not refined enough for his fathers’ taste.
“I don´t like doing this Julian.” His father would say, “But you are making me do this. You and your inadequate behavior is making me do this. You have only yourself to blame for this.” He would say as he was whipping his belt at Jaskier´s back. Not caring about Jaskier´s pain or that he was crying.
“I just want you to behave, Julian.”
Jaskier started to stumble, as he was walking down the mountain. This cursed mountain.
“Why are you unable to act like a true noble, Julian?”
“Why can you not be silent for five minutes, Julian?”
“Why is it whenever I find myself in a pile of shit these days, it's you shoveling it?”
Jaskier lost his balance with his last thought. Falling forward, catching himself on his hands and knees. His lute heavy on his back. Taking heavy breaths and trying to swallow his despair.
After a minute he slowly sat up, sinking down onto his knees. He looked up into the sky. Swallowing. This wasn´t fair. He just wanted to be enough.
The bard got back up onto his feet, making sure his lute was secured around his back. He started to walk again. More slowly this time.
His time at Oxenfurt was a blessing. For once, Jaskier was not hated. He was understood. Though the people in Oxenfurt would be sure to remind him whenever he was not acting noble enough for a man of his standing. But he didn´t mind then. He didn´t have his fathers` presence to worry about.
He made sure to keep his behavior mostly in check and to keep his grades up. So long as the professors were happy, they wouldn´t have a need to contact his father. Not that that stopped his father when Jaskier came home every once in a while, for appearances sake. He would find something to be unhappy about then. So Jaskier waited for the right moment to leave. To leave all this behind and find a person for whom he would be enough.
He thought he had all this when he found his dear Countess de Stael. He could ignore the people cursing him. He could ignore them throwing bread at him, could ignore the harsh reality that live was not exactly better outside of his fathers’ reach.
And he did his best. He tried to be enough. He tried to make her happy, to keep singing and to fulfill her heart with all the love of the world.
But it wasn´t enough. It was never enough.
She would invite him to her home, he would be staying there for some months, always thinking: “This time, it will be enough!”
He fooled himself every goddamn time.
But then it happened. And Jaskier thought he finally found someone who fully understood him.
It wasn´t an instant reaction, it wasn´t love at first sight. It took years. But once he realized he was falling, he kept falling faster. And for once, live was…worth really living.
He remembered it like it was yesterday. The witcher brooding in the corner. The stale bread he had in his pants. And the glorious song he wrote after their first adventure.
He didn´t actually think Geralt would let him tag along for such a long time…let him be part of Geralt’s life for so long. Well, Jaskier guessed, it probably wasn´t all that long for Geralt. What are twenty years in the life of someone who will keep on living. But for Jaskier….for Jaskier those twenty something years were the best.
The bard was getting slower with his walking, sunken in memories. Trying to loosen the heavy feeling in his chest.
It actually wasn´t until the Djin that Jaskier figured out how he felt. He just thought of Geralt as his best friend. The one friend who understood him. The one for whom he was enough.
Jaskier smiled at the thought. Those were the simpler times.
But then the Djin showed him how it really was. Geralt calling his voice and songs a “filling less pie” was actually just the start of his troubles. While that had hurt, he knew Geralt was just saying it because Jaskier was being annoying and Geralt was tired.
But what happened after..was not so easy to forget.
The worst part wasn´t even the swollen throat or not being able to breath. No, the worst part was seeing Geralt with that woman.
Jaskier stopped. The smile gone from his face as fast as it came. He looked at the ground. Feeling how his heart grew heavy again. How his breathing became harder. He swallowed.
Seeing Geralt with Yennefer was…difficult. At first, he was just so happy that Geralt was okay. But as soon as the realization what Geralt was doing set in, he was heartbroken. He tried not to let it show…he tried to be a good friend. But it was not as easy as he hoped.
The only blessing was that Yennefer didn´t appear often. So Jaskier could pretend. Pretend the world was okay- and that he had a chance!
And it was enough. For all those shitty moments they had. It was enough. Jaskier felt happiest while being on the road with Geralt. Even if it was not a luxurious life. It was enough. Jaskier was enough.
Or apparently…he wasn´t.
Jaskier´s lips began to quiver. He hiccupped. Biting down on his lip, he tried to get his emotions under control. This was not the right place to fall apart. The bard slowly crouched down. Arms crossed over his knees; face pressed into them. He took a deep breath.
He spent twenty years of his life with the person he loved- it was a good life. He doesn´t need to be so depressed. Even if said person just threw his feeling back into his face. Even if said person apparently didn´t like his presence at least one bit-
A sob left Jaskier.
He just wanted to be enough.
“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you of my hands!”
And just like that, it felt like Jaskier got hit by an emotional tidal wave. The words echoing inside his head, his tears finally falling. Sob after sob left Jaskier. He felt hopless. And so so useless.
Jaskier rocked himself back and forth, trying to calm himself, to stop the tears drenching his sleeves. And to imagine…he thought he could get Geralt to accompany him to the coast. To settle. Just for a while. How stupid could he be? To think that would happen? He just thought he would be enough to make Geralt happy for a little while. Of course, he was wrong.
It took quite a bit of time for his tears to dry and for his sobs to recede. But then the bard picked himself up. He rightened his doublet, made sure his cheeks were dry and started walking.
This wasn´t the first time he wasn´t wanted. This wasn´t the first time his heart was broken. Although…it was never broken this bad before. But Jaskier would be fine. This is what he did. He picked up the pieces and put himself back together. It would take time. It always did. But he stood stronger after everything.
In the meantime, he would make his way to Oxenfurt. He was sure the school would be more than happy to give him a less temporary teaching schedule. And once he was less in pieces, he would travel again. And maybe, if destiny was kind, he would meet Geralt again. And maybe then, he would be strong enough to give him a piece of his mind. Because even if he wasn´t enough, he deserved more than Geralt gave him.
He was sure of that much.