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There were not many things Geralt ever felt anything akin to regret for before.
The witcher could count the number of times he experienced the feeling, on one hand.
Even if they where taught not to feel anything...sometimes things slipped through.
Like that one time, a few years after Geralt started to walk the path. There was a small farming village that, to Geralt, obviously had a wraith problem.
But the only one who was ready to believe him was a little girl. A little girl who had lost her brother to the wraith. The villagers claimed that Geralt was lying and only trying to get what little coin they had.
They did not want to believe that there could be something unnatural haunting their good village.
In the End, the little girl did not have anything that could count as payment. And so Geralt left. Some years later Geralt had found himself in the area again. And he was not exactly shocked to find the village abandoned. He had wondered then, what came of the little girl..but he was never able to find any kind of information.
The second time Geralt felt regret, was when Roach died.
Geralt always felt a strong bond with each and everyone of the horses he got and called Roach. But the first Roach he had, will always be special. Geralt did not have a feeling for time back then. He did not notice that Roach got older, slower and tired more easily while he stayed the same.
He remembered being confused and slightly angry when Roach started to need more breaks and when she had difficulty handling rough terrain. He had thought she was growing lazy. He had tried to get her to walk more again, take less breaks….and he even remembered how he stopped feeding her extra apples.
It came as a surprise to him when they both went to sleep and only he woke up. And it was then when he realized that he fucked up in the end. He should have cared more. He should have seen this coming. But he was willfully ignorant of the approaching end. And so he carried the regret of not making it easier for her in her last few weeks. Though he made sure to never repeat this mistake.
His next regret was killing Renfri.
He should have seen what was happening. He should have seen Stregebor´s scheme. He should have been able to avoid everything that happened that day. But no. Now the world would never know Renfri´s story...and he would forever be known as the Butcher of Blaviken.
His last and final regret was now.
He did not think his biggest regret would ever be talking too much.
He did not think he would ever be able to hurt someone with his words.
And yet, here he was.
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.
“Damn it Jaskier! Why is it that whenever I find myself in a pile shit these days, it is you shoveling it?”
He wanted to stop and take it back right then. But he was so fucking angry.
“The child surprise, the djin, all of it!”
Geralt knew he needed to stop. Jaskier was not to blame for any of it.
And he was so, so angry.
“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you of my hands!”
Geralt had turned around then. Not wanting to see Jaskier´s face any longer. Not wanting to risk saying even more than he already had. He would apologize later. When he was not so fucking angry at everything.
Too bad later never came.
Jaskier was not there anymore, when he finally had the balls to look for him.
Jaskier had left.
Jaskier had never left before. Yes...there where times when they parted ways. But it was usually Geralt who initiated it. And Jaskier would always make sure to see Geralt off. He never just...left.
And that is when Geralt realized he fucked everything up.
He was so sure Jaskier would still be here, even after all the things Geralt said to him. He never entertained the thought that Jaskier would finally have enough.
Geralt stood by the put out campfire. Roach standing a bit off on the side, munching on grass.
This was all his doing. His own words finally drove the bard away.
The witcher sat down, absentmindedly using igni to light the campfire again, it was getting dark.
He was so lost in thought he did not even realize when he slipped into meditation. When he opened his eyes again, the sun was shining bright and Roach had lain down behind him.
Geralt let out a deep breath and let himself fall back onto the horse.
Why did he always have to ruin the good things he had. Why did he take Jaskier´s presence for granted. Why had he not apologized as soon as the words had left his mouth. Because he was a stubborn asshole. Maybe it would be better to let it be like this. Jaskier was human. It was not right for a human to travel with a witcher. How often had he told Jaskier those exact same words?
Jaskier should have spent his life safe and protected. Not following Geralt into danger. But still he choose to follow the witcher. Time after time….and Geralt was grateful for it. Because Jaskier showed him that humanity was more than just the assholes who threw stones at him and cursed his existence.
“….I should have never said those things.”
Roach just nickered softly at Geralt. Sniffing at his hair.
Geralt wondered what he should be doing now. Should he make to follow Jaskier? Or would the bard be more happy if Geralt stayed away for a while? And even if Geralt made to follow...would Jaskier even want to see him and hear him out?
Geralt shook his head.
“There is no use to this. Let´s go Roach.”
The witcher stood up and began packing up his things while Roach stood up again, shaking her head and body.
He would search for the bard right away. He would apologize. Jaskier was the one who would have to decide if he could forgive Geralt again. For once, the witcher was sure of his feelings. Geralt would make sure to...talk about his feelings for once. He hoped Jaskier would understand.
Once Roach was saddled up again, they began their trip down the mountain. Jaskier could not be far ahead of them. He had a day on them, but he was on foot. The bard would be slow. They should be able to meet him in the nearest town. And since there were not all too many towns or villages in Barefield, picking out the nearest town was not hard.
When Geralt arrived, he immediately made his way to the inn. This would be where the bard was sure to be. The tavern was actually quite nice for such a little town. But it seemed like his bard had not come this way. If the innkeep and his wife were to be believed.
So either Jaskier got lost on the way, or he decided he had no intention of seeing Geralt again so soon.
The witcher cursed under his breath. He had been so sure he would find the bard here. He would not have thought Jaskier would go out of his way to avoid him.
But he would find him. No matter how long it took. With Roach he would be able to make it to the next town in a day and a half. Jaskier would surely be tired. He would need to rest. Geralt would surely find him there.
Sadly, what the witcher did not consider, were the bards feelings.
He did not think about how Jaskier would probably need more time to get off the mountains because of his broken heart. Or that he would have needed to make rest over the night and find a safe space. Geralt was so broken up about finding Jaskier...the witcher was not even thinking about the emotional state the bard would be in. His only thought was “ I need to hurry and find Jaskier ” as he left the small town at the foot of the Kestrel Mountains.
And so...the witcher missed the bard.
By four measly hours.
It would take them half a year to meet again.