Chapter Text
A cold wind blew over his face, rustling his blonde hair. He took a deep breath, feeling the coldness fill his lungs. The morning sun only barely touching over the trees around the UA campus. The warm light pooling into the vibrant red eyes looking out over the view that was spread before him.
Alone. That’s how he felt. Bakugou felt like he was slipping deeper and deeper into his own mind. He wanted to scream. To get out the sick burning feeling in his chest. But he had already yelled. He always felt like he was yelling. Yelling at Deku or at his class mates. But the pit in his stomach never went away.
Bakugou felt his eyes glass over as tears dropped down his cheeks, he squeezes them shut tightly. Yet events play behind his eye lids.
Suffocating, the tightness in his chest killing him. The toxic intrusion of the sludge encompassing him again. So helpless. Even with his awesome power, he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help himself. How could he even save others. If he can’t save himself.
Bakugou’s eyes open, looking down at his palms. Where his quirk manifested. The source of his power. But also the source of his pain. He had to be great. He had to be the best, because that’s what people expected him to be. People need a hero. But Bakugou doesn’t know if he could even be that anymore.
He lets out all the air in his chest, a shaky sigh escaping his body and he lets his eyes wander to where his feet stood. His toes on the edge of the building, the steps to the dormitory entrance far below.
His heart starting to pound in his chest, the only way he knew he was still alive. Emotions seemed dull now. A soft current of worry, stress, anger, pain, sadness, and regret passing through him. But none were able to settle. Bakugou’s mind moved to fast to keep one thing in his thoughts for long.
He wanted to run, run away from everything. He felt like a shadow soaked into every aspect of his life. And it was all his own fault. He’s tried to run, but his demons always followed him. All the things he hated about himself surfaced. He hated how he couldn’t even fix what he’d done. He had ruined too much.
How could he ever change? Not just himself, but the pain he’d caused to others? A sob chokes past his throat at the sour regret of his relationship with Deku - no. - With Izuku.
Maybe he should just leave. Maybe he should just step away from the ledge. But he can’t. A force keeps him there. The memories are too strong to let him go. The words of others flashing through his head. ‘Hurting yourself isn’t the way. Ending your pain only passes it to someone else. Think about your family.’
He felt a twisted smile come to his face, he knew people would care for a short while. But then their memories of him would fade. And so would the pain he caused them. If he stayed he would only cause them more grief.
His parents could go to hell with him, for all he cared. His body ached from the remembrance of the pain his mother caused him. The bruises she inflicted onto him. His ears ringing from her harsh words. And the sight of his father’s kind eyes coming to mind, yet him taking no action to stop her.
Never before had he felt this, Bakugou wanted to be saved. But no one was there. How could anyone be? It was by his own hand. He always pushed people away. Too scared to connect with people. The fear of being vulnerable always driving him to make walls around him. Surrounded by people but yet still alone. Completely lonely on the inside. Lost and alone in his own body.
Hero’s were meant to be a symbol. Undoubted, strong, steadfast, and unshaken by any foe. Bakugou tried to be that way, he had pushed down all his doubts and fear until it knotted up inside him. At first creating his drive to win. But slowly the desire to win, instead became the fear of losing. The fear of disappointment. Of failing and having everyone pay for it.
Bakugou moves his hands to pull at his hair, he sobs openly. Why did it have to be him? Why did he have to end allmight. It was all his fault. He had already failed. He couldn’t do anything, getting kidnapped and not being able to get away. Not being able to fend for himself. Helpless.
He rubs his tears away roughly from his eyes, then takes a deep breath. He closed his eyes, though the now rising sun still brightened his vision. He wanted to sleep. But he couldn’t sleep anymore. The few minutes between his night terrors keeping him functional, yet there was no rest for him. No rest for him here, not in this life.
He always had to try. To try and become a better version of himself. To try and get over his nightmares. To TRY and forget his failing. And to try and forget... to forget who he was.
“Kacchan?”
A familiar voice rips Bakugou from his thoughts, though he makes to move to look at him. He only opens his eyes to look at the rising sun. He could hear the sound of the roof access door slowly shutting behind Izuku.
“Kacchan, please... just get away from there. Please. I... I want to talk to you”
“I don’t want to talk... I don’t want to act anymore. I’m done pretending.”
Bakugou spoke but felt like his voice was coming from someone else, he didn’t even feel real anymore. He felt like an alien in his own skin.
“You don’t have to act Kacchan! Please I’m here for you... Don’t...”
He could hear Izuku start to cry, but didn’t look at him. He didn’t want to. He couldn’t. Because then he would have to put his walls back up.
“I do have to act! I’ve had to act my entire damn life! Heroes... heroes aren’t weak. Hero’s aren’t scared. Even you smile when you want to cry... I’m just done trying anymore”
The sound of Izuku sobbing filled his ears and he found himself joining in. His chest rising and falling as each broken choke of tears poured out of him.
”I know you think that but it’s not true... Please. Get down. I... I need you Kacchan. We all do”
“You need me to yell at you? You need me to take out my self hate onto you some more? You need me to ruin someone else’s life!?! You need me?? What you need is to fucking wake up.”
Bakugou felt betrayed. He thought at least Izuku would understand why he was doing this. After he witnessed first hand his life choices. But here he was, trying to play hero again.
“No. I need Bakugou. Bakugou Katsuki. I need my friend. I need, we all need, you to live and become the great hero we all know you can be. So come over here and we can talk about what’s on your mind.”
Bakugou slowly turned to look at Izuku. He saw the boys face was red and glistening with his flood of tears. The blondes heels sending small pebbles off the edge of the roof. Bakugou felt empty. Maybe he was already dead inside.
“You know what the saddest thing is right now? ...is that everything you just said isn’t true.”
Bakugou shifted, his heels halfway off. He could see Izuku take a step forward. The boys eyes wide and his quirk threatening to send green sparks across the roof. Bakugou spoke calmly,
”I think I’ll take someone’s advice for once. The same advice I gave to you in middle school...”
Bakugou lets himself fall back, he knows Izuku is fast, but not that fast.
Time seems to have slowed, he felt weightless. He felt alive.
Funny for how he was about to not be anymore.
The last sight he sees is the sparks of Izukus quirk from above, then blackness.
A blackness that surrounds him... that invades him.
His inner demons.
They were his shadow that had always followed him.
The shadow was taking over.
He had let it win.