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Wei Wuxian is a long way from home, absentmindedly thwacking the foliage and trees he passes with Suibian, when he catches sight of a talisman scrap underneath some leaves.
“Oh?”
Hungrier for entertainment than he realized, he’s immediately crouched to the ground, rummaging through the leaves and grass. It really is only a part of a talisman, Wei Wuxian realizes with interest, as he brings it to his face and then holds it above his head.
“Very clean hand,” Wei Wuxian comments admiringly, to the surrounding trees he was just bullying, as he stands up again. “Ahhh~! Even my talismans aren’t this beautifully written! What a shame that such scholarly skill was wasted on such an inefficient construction! There’s a flaw here, see? If you know to target this aspect of this type of talisman, then you can make the whole construction crumple before too long! This wouldn’t have lasted very long at all!”
The tree leaves rustle, clearly paying eager attention to his impromptu lecture.
“Ah, not that it looks like this poor talisman even had a chance to do its job,” Wei Wuxian says, bringing it down again and holding Suibian’s blade up to the paper. “Look at how the paper’s been so cleanly cut into an uneven half, my diligent students! It must have been sliced into pieces by a very sharp sword!”
The branches bob attentively. A bird even sings his praises in the distance.
Wei Wuxian sniffs. “Perhaps I’ll be merciful with your discipline for the day,” he decides, lowering Suibian and looking around the forest. “It would be quite careless for righteous cultivators such as ourselves to leave an object of interest uninvestigated, after all...”
He sets off, scanning the forest for more clues, muttering to himself.
“Now, this scrap of talisman could have been blown here from somewhere else by the wind. It’s clearly become quite weathered! Now, I don’t know when it last rained in this area, but I might estimate this talisman’s been out here for several weeks at least! I would guess that a fellow cultivation sect has had a night-hunt in the area recently.”
He looks the talisman over again, admiring the elegant calligraphy, and lets out a wistful sigh.
“This is high-quality paper and high-quality ink, you know! Much too good for most rogue cultivators or poor Yunmeng disciples, who can’t afford such finery for their work or in their studies… Ahhh~! Really! What a shame to waste it on this! No wonder it was cut in half. I can do so much better than this, you know, if people would listen to my ideas more often - but people always want to stick to their ‘tried and true’ cultivation methods. Pah!”
Wei Wuxian scours the area intently, but almost gives up on finding more interesting clues.
“Hmm, you may just be a lost and lonely victim of the winds after all,” Wei Wuxian is finally commenting to the talisman scrap, disappointed, when he catches sight of an odd, long groove in the ground. “Oh?! What’s this?”
The odd, long groove is surrounded by a few others, not all equally deep, but equally worn and weathered. Wei Wuxian can visualize feet planting themselves hard, being forcefully pushed back by a powerful opponent. He can see the sword slashes of failed or misdirected blows. Ah, maybe even a sword stabbed into the earth for grounding, before being unceremoniously yanked along? A forceful spell or two? Wei Wuxian brushes away fallen leaves, parts the grass, and moves aside the foliage for a better look at the serious fight that definitely happened here.
He follows the path of the fight through the forest eagerly, Suibian in one hand and the talisman scrap in the other. Grinning, Wei Wuxian presses his hand to where a strong force hit a poor tree enough to have left an ugly crack. A body, perhaps? A kick, possibly?
He leaps up into the leaves to track swaths of broken branches with glee.
He nearly whoops at the sight of another talisman scrap, but manages to squeal quietly instead as he snatches it up for inspection. Not the other half of the first? No! A different talisman, but also clearly meant for containment.
“Something happened here,” he whispers to the tree he’s sitting on. “Very interesting!”
The trail winds on and on through the woods, disappearing in places, and finally bringing Wei Wuxian to the cliffside of a steep hill. The signs of the vicious fight have wound down from frequent bangs and crashes to… well… whimpers. Some of the last signs Wei Wuxian followed looked like hands clawing in the dirt, digging deep into the earth with surprising strength, like someone was trying desperately not to be dragged along.
As Wei Wuxian bounces up into another tree, looking for where the trail might continue, he spots the mouth of a cave on the side of the steep cliff, right in the middle. It’s at least seven men’s height above the ground. And it’s person-sized, he notices, with narrowed eyes.
“Oh? A hideout? A lair?” Wei Wuxian breathes.
The spiritual and resentful energies that he’s been tracking, clinging to wounds made in the woods, have been faint. Time has been weathering away their traces like the talisman and the grooves. Perhaps oddly so for a fight that was so lastingly violent. It makes Wei Wuxian think that the night-hunt is long over and the monster long gone.
Or, maybe, that it wasn’t a night-hunt. Maybe it was a fight between cultivators?
Wei Wuxian swings up onto the tree branch he’s hanging from, landing lightly, and considers his options here. Ah, surely it couldn’t hurt so much just to take a small look in there? He’s more than capable of handling himself long enough to take a peek at whatever’s inside! Then, if it is a dormant beast, he’ll turn tail and run, screaming for his life, and take to the sky on Suibian like a good little disciple!
Surely, when he goes to tell the nearest or sect what he came across, they’ll want to know the details. If Wei Wuxian doesn’t have any good details to tell them, if he doesn’t have any proof of anything interesting, they’ll surely look down their noses at him! They’ll say, “Who is this young disciple telling stories? Wei Wuxian of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect? How disgraceful! How shameless! Trying to get everyone all worked up over something that’s probably nothing! Who cares if there’s a mysterious cave in a cliffside at the end of a trail of a fight? He didn’t even actually see anything!”
“Really, it’s only responsible to have a teeny tiny look,” Wei Wuxian murmurs to the talisman scraps in his non-sword hand. “What if your owner is actually in there and injured? What if they need help? Someone has to tell them off for leaving their things scattered around so irresponsibly! ...Mm, it’s been anywhere from days to months, though, so maybe I’ll only find a body.”
Wei Wuxian is fifteen now. He’s seen bodies before! He’s been on night-hunts with Uncle Jiang and his martial aunts and uncles before! He’s had to deal with the restless and resentful dead, and dig fresh graves for the victims afterwards, so whatever’s inside can’t be too gruesome for him.
“Even if people aren’t happy at first when cultivators bring only a body back, it’s better than having no body to bury at all,” Wei Wuxian reasons to himself, quite wisely. “They’ll thank me later for this!”
With everything sorted out, Wei Wuxian tucks the talisman scraps into his robe, then jumps forward and lands delicately, silently, on the edge of the cave mouth. He sniffs, breathing in deeply, but there’s no gruesome or beastly smell. He creeps forward on silent feet, keeping his sword and his free hand raised, ready to stab or to cast a spell on whatever threat he finds inside.
It could just be an unimportant cave! A distraction! The trail might continue somewhere else, maybe on the other side of the hill, but Wei Wuxian knows not to let his guard down until he’s sure.
The cave is narrow at first, wide enough for only one man to pass at a time, and it’s dark as well. The passage takes Wei Wuxian down a zig, then around a zag, and then it opens up into a large cavern, bright and airy, dappled with sunlight and filled with greenery.
“Oh…” Wei Wuxian says, taken aback by its beauty.
The hill is apparently partly hollow, and holes in its crown have let beams of warm sunlight pour into this secluded cavern. Hanging plants and dripping roots decorate the walls and ceiling of dirt and stone. Wei Wuxian was sort of anticipating a miserable, dank pit full of human bones, but this is rather lovely! Quite the romantic spot!
The only really strange part of the cavern is the floor.
And the gleaming statue at its centre.
Scattered across the stone floor are huge chunks of white jade. High-quality white jade, it looks like, though Wei Wuxian is hardly an expert! The broken jade fragments throw the sunlight back and all about the cavern, creating a slightly blinding effect.
Wei Wuxian walks silently towards the center of the cavern, keeping his guard up, squinting through the light, and passes what looks like a glistening battlefield of a half-dozen broken jade statues. He has to place his feet carefully to avoid stepping on an unnervingly realistic white jade ear… or a perfect white jade hand… or a white jade thigh encased in a white jade robe, rendered with wrinkles and embroidery. He can’t tell what most of the lovely jade fragments used to be, now shattered beyond recognition, but the detail of the broken faces and cracked robes he can make out is incredible.
Astounding artistry! Utterly unmatched skill!
It’s as though Wei Wuxian has stumbled on the hidden workshop of the world’s greatest and most perfectionist sculptor - an unrivaled artist and brutal critic - prepared to waste a fortune in jade. Perhaps there’s a secret vein nearby. Perhaps there’s a hidden river of wealth beneath Wei Wuxian’s feet right now, its riches wasted on the imperfect statues which failed to meet their master creator’s impossible standards.
Only the statue standing in the centre of the cavern has survived its creator’s wrath.
Wei Wuxian approaches slowly.
It’s too bright in this underground chamber to see clearly from a distance, but once he gets close enough to stand directly before the lone survivor standing in a beam of sunlight, Wei Wuxian breathes in sharply at the sight.
“Oh…”
Any monster or man could creep up behind him now to slit his throat, and an already breathless Wei Wuxian wouldn’t even notice the pain, so long as this was the last thing he’d ever get to see. Wei Wuxian never been so instantly disarmed! So utterly at a loss for words!
He’s beautiful.
The white jade statue is a youth only slightly taller than Wei Wuxian himself, with a long and handsome face fixed in a solemn, yet dreamy expression. The youth’s eyes are half-lidded and his full lips are slightly parted, looking so soft. Wei Wuxian could count every single perfect jade eyelash. He could count every single hade hair of those handsome eyebrows.
He could cut himself on that sharp, white jade jaw, trying to follow that long neck.
Belatedly, Wei Wuxian notices that the statue isn’t just beautiful. It’s shamelessly appealing.
The youth is dressed in only trousers and an under-robe, revealing broad shoulders and a slight waist, and Wei Wuxian suddenly wants nothing more than to feel where the white jade has been carved to look as though cloth wraps around the youth’s surprisingly thick biceps. Or run his fingers along that sharp collarbone revealed by the slightly disheveled collar.
It’s just so… artistic.
The youth’s long hair is down, detailed down to the stand, a wavy river of jade spreading over his shoulders and down his back, as though all the pins and ornaments have only just been yanked from his hair. As though he’s been caught preparing for a night’s sleep.
One long-fingered hand is outstretched, as though reaching out to touch Wei Wuxian.
It’s so enthrallingly inappropriate that Wei Wuxian can feel heat tickling at his face just looking at such a creation, even though he’s really no blushing maiden! Even with how knowledgeable he is of… of… the existence of erotic images! Is this the type of sensual art commissioned by the truly absurdly wealthy? Are particularly sensual statues made with such breathtaking skill for rich people who are too good for mere explicit paintings?
Oh, an entire empire’s wealth could have been spilled away to create this peerless statue, and Wei Wuxian might declare it well worth it! All the pretty sisters would surely agree with him! What masterful skill made the perfect image of such a heavenly being, they’d all say, and then left it here not to be revered as its beauty deserves?
We Wuxian reaches out… then falters… and then determined brushes his fingers over the veiny, cloudy white jade of the statue’s outstretched hand. It’s slightly larger than his own, perfect down to the fingernails, to the knuckles, to the tendons, to the bone. The wrinkles of the palm almost look soft, before Wei Wuxian touches to be sure, terrified that he might accidentally snap off a finger if he tries to interlace their hands.
He didn’t know you could do this with jade.
He didn’t know you could get this kind of detail with anything.
Wei Wuxian looks around the sunlit cavern again. He can’t see any monsters or any other threats, but he doesn’t see any sculptor’s tools either. Could someone have carved these statues with spiritual techniques? Or… maybe they were stolen from a temple or a palace?
The only sign he notices of another human presence is a pair of footprints around the statues, around and even underneath the debris, some of which look relatively recent. Someone has been coming and going from this cavern. The sculptor, perhaps?
Or the thief?
“Or maybe it’s some heartless vandal coming to destroy a late peerless master’s art to sell the chunks of white jade?” Wei Wuxian deduces quietly, with narrowed eyes and a sneer. “How unappreciative! How greedy! What poor taste! Oh, Young Master Statue, is that what happened to all your poor friends? Ahhh~! I’m so sorry you had to see that!”
The youth doesn’t answer, of course, being a statue.
Was the brutal fight outside over this fortune in white jade? Over these great masterworks?
Wei Wuxian’s heart goes out to the poor youth! It really does! Perhaps handsome statues don’t always enjoy being shamelessly stared at by a crowd of admiring sisters and aunties, who really shouldn’t be staring at such an inappropriately dressed figure, but this fellow must be quite lonely in here now!
“Do you like it here, Young Master Statue?” Wei Wuxian answers, running his free hand along the outstretched arm, resisting the heat licking at the bottom of his face. “Locked away in seclusion with some greedy vandal or cruel master shattering all your friends and family? Is it lonely with no visitors? No crowds to leave flowers at your feet in exchange for a wish? No-one to press kisses to your perfect hand for good luck? Ah, what a shame! What a shame…”
The youth’s white jade biceps are just as impressive under Wei Wuxian’s hands as they are to look at, and Wei Wuxian’s face may or may not be turning pink at his own audacity.
“Ahhh~! Young Master Statue, would you not accept such offers? Should I be keeping my admiring hands to myself? My apologies! My apologies!”
Wei Wuxian does not take his hands off the statue’s biceps.
“But has anyone ever told you that you have been made with unmatched skill? Perhaps you have heard the saying ‘carved from jade’? I can only assume you were the inspiration! Strike out my eyes now, for I will never see a lovelier face! Pilgrims would come from around the world if they knew this humble cave held such a heavenly yet calamitous beauty!
“Please, allow a humble traveller to admire you properly, so he can tell all the pretty sisters he meets of this hidden wonder of the world, so that they may send you your much-deserved kisses on the wind! Or, haha, would you be unmoved by such gestures?”
Wei Wuxian’s fingers only brush the youth’s collarbone, dancing up the statue’s long neck, so that he may cup that peerlessly handsome face and hold it like… like… like a lover might.
The youth looks so realistic that he might take a breath at any moment.
“Ah!” Wei Wuxian dances away again, as though burned, unable to bear it any longer. His poor face certainly feels afire by this point. “Sorry! Sorry! My apologies, Young Master Statue!”
He turns in flustered circles until he feels prepared to face the white jade youth again.
“Young Master Statue, could we start over? With a clean slate, aha?”
Unfortunately, once Wei Wuxian looks at the statue again, he falls into a deep bow, so that he doesn’t have to immediately look at such beauty. He’s not ready yet!
“This humble disciple has so little to offer you for the offense! He is too poor to offer riches! And what good are mere riches to a man in such solid standing, such as yourself? He hasn’t the skill to revive your poor friends and family! He is pledged to his family and to his sect, and so cannot pledge himself to be your eternal protector! Tell me, oh Young Master Statue, of the hard face, what this humble disciple could offer you to lessen your suffering?”
He lifts his head - ah, no, the statue is still incomparably beautiful - and then sinks to his knees to beg for mercy. Like trying to squeeze blood from a stone, perhaps!
“Please, oh, please, Young Master Statue, tell me how to properly show my reverence for your many virtues - my sympathy for your situation. I’m sure that I can cobble something together, haha! Oh, I cannot leave you in this lonely place without offering a sign of my sincere admiration! A memory, at the very least, to keep you company!”
He looks up again and dares to move closer.
“Do you have a love of poetry, Young Master Statue? This humble disciple would recite rivers of words for you until his lips were cracked and dry, if only he thought their beauty could begin to compare to your own! He could write until his fingers bled, until his heart emptied, and yet still fail miserably to encompass all that you are! He could sing for you until his voice was spent! Until he was unable to tell another living soul that he had delved down into the earth and stumbled across something unspeakable… a being incomparable!
“But… is the warmth of words enough? By your cold glaze, young master, I think not. Have you been so jaded by empty promises of devotion?” Wei Wuxian asks, standing, until he’s again face-to-face with the handsome youth in white jade.
His cheeks are burning again, but he persists.
“Perhaps… a kiss? A poor replacement for the supplicants you deserve ‘gravelling’ at your feet, to be sure, Young Master Statue! However… into what else can this humble disciple fit rivers of poetry and song but such an impertinent touch?”
The statue doesn’t blink at Wei Wuxian’s shameless antics, even though any real person would have slapped him for his audacity by now. The white jade youth doesn’t move at all as Wei Wuxian steps closer, running his hand along their outstretched arm again, until his palm lands gently once more on that hard, perfect jaw.
He’s standing almost against the statue’s chest.
“...Ahhh, perhaps your initial offense is due to impatience? Should I have been ‘boulder’ with you, Young Master Statue? You have been so good, so steady, and yet this shameless disciple has teased you so cruelly over your unfortunate loneliness...”
Wei Wuxian closes his eyes, his face aflame, unable to resist and presses his mouth against white jade lips.
He has heard that some statues accept kisses in exchange for good fortune! He’s never understood that folk tale… that superstition… until he came across this peerless beauty, hidden away all on his lonesome. Ah, a kiss to a statue hardly counts, anyway! It doesn’t count at all!
Wei Wuxian will have his fun, pray for good fortune, and then merrily continue on his way, with a silly story to tell of his auspicious and mysterious encounter with the most beautiful man in the world - how he courted and stole a kiss from a secluded immortal carved from white jade!
Or so he thinks, until he feels the stone soften against his mouth.
“Mm?!”
Wei Wuxian throws himself backwards, raising Suibian in surprise.
He watches in shock as life spreads over the statue of the white jade youth, outwards from his lips. Those perfect eyelashes and brown turn black, before the same color spreads down his loose hair, as smoothly and quickly as spilled ink.
His under-robe and trousers turn into soft white cloth.
The fingers of his outstretched hand curl.
Oh, his lips are so pink.
Wei Wuxian’s hand slaps against his own mouth. He was just-! His lips were just touching those lips! He can still feel the memory of warm, hard jade giving way to sweet softness.
The youth takes in a deep breath, chest heaving, like he’s been waiting years for it.
He blinks, slowly, and his head shifts towards Wei Wuxian.
Wei Wuxian waits to hear him speak.
But as the last of the white jade fades away from his bare toes, the newly living youth breaks out into a violent coughing fit. It shakes his whole body. The force is enough to bend him nearly in half in an effort to breathe. He stumbles.
He tips over.
Wei Wuxian launches himself forward to catch the youth.
They collide heavily, but Wei Wuxian manages to keep them both upright.
While the youth isn’t as heavy as solid white jade might be, he’s still solid and muscular and warm from the sunlight. He shudders in Wei Wuxian’s arms, struggling to breathe as coughs wrack his body, and it takes several seconds longer for him to take in a trembling gasp and breathe normally again. Well, sort of normally, anyway. He’s kind of wheezing.
Wei Wuxian has heard that breathing is kind of hard when you’ve never done it before? At least, that’s what his sister told him, after she’d witnessed another woman give birth. Poor little newborn baby, being asked to breathe for the first time!
The youth’s grip on Wei Wuxian is clumsy, but surprisingly strong. He struggles to sit up and look at the person holding him. Wei Wuxian obligingly does his best to help the other youth shift around without dropping him.
It doesn’t work. The former statue’s legs buckle and he sinks to his knees. Wei Wuxian, trying to hold Suibian away from the newborn young man, goes down to the ground with the youth, in a controlled fashion, because he doesn’t want to fall over too! The disbalanced youths clings desperately to Wei Wuxian’s shoulders and arms, while Wei Wuxian desperately tries to keep the both of them from tipping face-first into a pile of broken jade shards.
This makes sense, Wei Wuxian thinks wildly.
After all, everyone knows that it takes babies nearly a year to figure out things like sitting and standing! And nearly two years to really figure out walking properly! This youth’s probably not going to get any of those things down perfectly right away if he’s never done them before.
Finally, golden eyes are blinking up at Wei Wuxian again, dazed and confused.
Everything else doesn’t make sense still, though.
“Ah,” Wei Wuxian says, also dazed and confused. “Nice to meet you?”
The youth blinks at him again. Unfairly, really, he’s even more beautiful for the life in his golden eyes, for the soft black hair framing his face, and for the way his chest moves and his under-robe gapes over as he breathes.
Wei Wuxian does his absolute best not to stare at the other youth’s soft, pink, lovely lips, focusing on those striking golden eyes instead. Looking into those searching eyes, seeing the plain confusion there if nowhere else on his solemn face, does absolutely nothing to stop the broiling heat crawling up Wei Wuxian’s face. Wei Wuxian is certain that he’s turning bright pink before this newly living statue’s eyes, just at the mere memory of what he did-!
What did he do? He can’t have brought a statue to life with a kiss, can he?
Without a word, the youth’s golden eyes roll back into his head and he slumps forward, before Wei Wuxian can resolve his thousand questions into speech.
Wei Wuxian catches the youth’s weight again as he faints.
It’s, um, a very awkward pose.
“Ah, too much excitement for someone who was made of white jade only a moment ago?” Wei Wuxian suggests.
He doesn’t get an answer. Even after he rearranges the fellow to see his face again. Even after he pokes the youth’s face. Even after he pinches that handsome face’s soft cheeks.
“Maybe you’re just tired after spending all that time standing around all ‘idol’ like that!” Wei Wuxian decides, his voice much more high-pitched than usual. “Haha! I understand! I understand! Standing still like that is unbearable and exhausting, so you just want to put your arms down and rest your legs, right? Find some nice bedrock for a nap, haha?”
The unconscious youth still doesn’t answer.
He doesn’t wake up even when Wei Wuxian puts Suibian aside and awkwardly hefts him over his shoulder, standing up very slowly with the former masterwork in a carry. Ah, really, this fellow is quite heavy! Wei Wuxian then slowly steps onto Suibian and looks up for a hole in the cavern ceiling big enough for them both.
“Oh, there’s one! How fortunate! Going back out of that skinny tunnel would have been very uncomfortable! I would have hit your head and then I would have hit my head, and it would have been very painful all around!” Wei Wuxian confides in his passenger.
Then he focuses and lifts off the ground gradually, following a beam of sunlight, and maneuvers himself so that they fit through his chosen exit through the hollow hill’s crown. Some plants are forced roughly aside. Some dirt tumbles down below into the cavern. But no one hits their head! Wei Wuxian is more than willing to call that a victory!
Out under the open sky once more, he directs Suibian gently over down the slope of the hill, towards more solid-looking ground with some nice, soft grass and some old, sturdy trees.
“Falling back through one of those holes would not be fun, eh, Young Master Statue? Ah, is that how the vandal discovered your refuge? Did they fall through one of those holes in the hill and break your friends that way? Now that’s falling on hard times! A huge bust! Ah, sorry! Sorry! I shouldn’t have brought it up! Not something to crack up about!”
Wei Wuxian lowers himself to the ground, then steps off Suibian and kneels again, taking his heavy passenger off his shoulder as gently as possible and lowering him to the ground. The youth still doesn’t wake up as Wei Wuxian rolls him onto his back.
Wei Wuxian then sits back, sighs, and rolls out his shoulders.
“What the fuck,” he murmurs.
Then he leans back, hands planting behind him, and looks up at the trees around him.
“Hey, what the fuck?!” he says to them, louder. “What the fuck is this, you know?!”
He looks back down at the youth in front of him. The other boy’s chest is rising and falling peaceably, his eyes are closed and his face is without expression, so it looks as though he’s only sleeping. The collar of his under-robe is open enough to see more of an unsurprisingly handsome chest now. His loose black hair spills over the grass so… so…
Wei Wuxian doesn’t have the words!
All the paintings in the world would weep with envy at this sight!
His lips are… still so pink.
They really do look just as soft as they feel.
“AHHH!” Wei Wuxian screams, folding over into a ball of humiliation.
Did he really just kiss a beautiful statue to life?
Did the gods think it would be funny to play a trick like this on him, for daring to be so disrespectful? To play such shameless games? Is he a character in a fairy tale now, blessed with a companion formed from the natural world? Or maybe cursed? Was the statue so perfectly made, so flawlessly formed, so diligently cultivated, so near-heavenly was the skill that made it, that it only needed the smallest spark of spiritual energy to bring it to life, after its creator ascended on the spot for this accomplishment?!
No, that’s absurd! Wei Wuxian didn’t even mean it! He doesn’t… it wasn’t supposed to be a real kiss! He’s been saving his first kiss for his first love - someone real - hopefully someone who loved him back, not some… some… pretty boy made of white jade!
He was just playing around! Being silly!
Wei Wuxian sits up again and peeks through his fingers. Ah, this youth really is only more handsome now that he’s been brought to life! How unfair! How embarrassing!
“What am I supposed to do now?” Wei Wuxian demands plaintively. “What a mess! What a mess! Ah, I’ve really hit rock bottom now, huh, Young Master Statue? Well… lips… I haven’t… um… oh, no…”
Wei Wuxian chokes at where his foolish, unthinking mouth clearly intends to take him next! He hides his face in his hands and screams again. No, no, no! He can’t say that! He’s definitely not saying anything about statues being… erected… either! He’s not that shameless!
“Forget I ever said that, alright? Ah, forget everything that’s happened since we met, if you please, actually! Let’s not let such insignificant mistakes erode our blossoming friendship, eh, Young Master Statue?! If you bring any of this up again later, I’ll have to think that your heart is made of stone! Haha! We’ve all got our faults, so don’t be so stiff about this!”
No reaction.
Wei Wuxian sighs, clutching at his head, fingers digging into his hair.
“I can’t go back to Lotus Pier like this, can I? Madam Jin and her rotten peacock son are still visiting and Uncle Jiang is still on business outside Yunmeng! Madam Yu will kill me if I come back from running messages dragging along a stranger and start talking about bringing statues to life in front of her friend! Even if it’s true! I’ll be whipped within an inch of my life!”
Wei Wuxian brings one hand to his chin, dropping the other in his lap, and tilts his head to one side. He hums consideringly.
“Ahhh~! What will Shijie and Jiang Cheng say? Well, my sister will say, ‘A-Xian! I’m so glad you’ve made a friend!’ And then I’ll say, ‘My ‘sediments’ exactly, Shijie!’ And then she’ll make soup for us! Because my sister really is the best. She’s nice to everyone, even if they don’t deserve it, like her awful betrothed who never talks to her. Young Master Statue, you’re very lucky to have been brought to life in a world with my sister’s cooking, you know!”
Wei Wuxian tilts his head to the other side. “But Jiang Cheng will probably say, ‘Wei Wuxian! We took you in and now you think you can take in anyone you like? I don’t believe your story! Stop telling lies or I’ll break your legs!’ Mmmnnn. But I can make him believe it eventually if I just keep talking. And I can’t just leave you here or Jiang Cheng will probably go, ‘Wei Wuxian! You brought life into this world and you didn’t take responsibility for it? Do you think the Yunmeng Jiang have such a thin face to abandon your bastard child? Do you think we have such poor hospitality? Go get your statue right away, you irresponsible and terrible brother, so we can feed them properly!’”
Wei Wuxian sighs again and flops onto his back. “Madam Yu might say the same thing, after she’s finished whipping me to the bone! Be grateful that I don’t scare you with the story of what she did to the last Yunmeng Jiang cultivator who got a girl pregnant outside of marriage! Second Uncle says that that foolish boy was never seen in Yunmeng again!”
Wei Wuxian then rolls over to face the youth who used to be a statue, planting an elbow in the grass and letting his head rest in his hand. “Am I responsible for bringing you into this world? Does that make me your father?! Ahhh~! No! I’m way too young to be anyone’s dad!”
He then sits up to peer down at the… really incredibly beautiful youth.
“Hm, I’d say we might be the same age, actually! Do statues have ages? Are you as old as you look? Do you start counting from when you’re made or when you, um, become real? You could be over a hundred for all I know, like an immortal! Or are you not even an hour old? Ah, in any case, it’d be much too weird for me to be your dad! I should be your senior, though, I think! I have way more life experience than you! Call me Wei-xiong, alright? Or, haha, maybe Xian-gege? Since we’re so close now! Birth is a very intimate experience, you know!”
Wei Wuxian nods, then pauses.
“Oh, what should I call you? Am I supposed to name you now?”
It sort of seems that way, Wei Wuxian thinks, but how is he supposed to come up with a suitable name for such a handsome young man? What single name could encompass all that this miraculous person is? It’s too great a responsibility for a disciple who couldn’t settle on a single name for his spiritual sword!
“Ah, perhaps I’ll figure that out later! For all I know, you already have a name, Young Master Statue, and you’re old enough to have some say in the matter, aren’t you? For all I know, you’re a real person who’s been cursed! Though I’ve never heard about a curse like this before… ah, I suppose I’ll know for sure when you wake up, eh? You’ll tell me then… or not. I really hope that, unlike other newborn babies, you know how to speak, Young Master Statue!
“I think… hm… I think for now that the best thing to do is get you to the nearest village! You’ll need some proper clothes, Young Master Statue! And shoes! Would a real person have shoes? Well, we need to do something about that hair of yours for sure! And it’s important for newborn babies to see a doctor or a midwife, just to make sure that nothing’s wrong, right?”
Wei Wuxian refocuses on the unconscious figure before him and feels panic.
“Oh, no!” he cries.
If this youth was cursed, then he definitely needs a doctor! And even if he’s not, what if the statue wasn’t perfectly formed? What if this newly alive youth passed out because something went wrong with the miracle? What if he’s dying? What if he’s going to turn back into white jade unless Wei Wuxian gets him to a doctor right away?!
“Don’t worry, Young Master Statue, I’ll get you to help!”
Wei Wuxian hefts his new companion over his shoulder again and steps back onto Suibian.
“I’m responsible for bringing you into this world, so I have to look after you! That also means that I’m the only person who’s allowed to take you out of it - or so the aunties like to say, haha!”
Wei Wuxian rises into the air on Suibian, a young man formerly made of white jade over his shoulder, and takes off over the forest, towards the nearest village. He still doesn’t know what in the world just happened, but at least he’s got a direction now! Forward!
“You’re lucky that I brought my spending money with me!” he declares as he flies. “Ah, having a dependent is going to be so expensive! I’m too young to be supporting a child or a wife! Don’t judge your poor Xian-gege for his inability to provide you with fancy robes or pretty hair ornaments or anything, okay, Young Master Statue? The money has to go to the doctor! And ahhh, you’re already making me sound boring, so you better be grateful!”