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She's never said it. Not once.
From the day they met in that elevator, Katniss understood Johanna was different. She knew Johanna was brash, loud, opinionated, smart, cunning, powerful. In the arena, Katniss learned she was loyal; that she could be soft. She was as broken as the rest of them, just perhaps a little bit better at hiding it.
But she doesn't say I love you.
It doesn't bother Katniss, not in the way people think it would. You'd assume, with all they've been through, they'd say it every day. Just three words that convey a powerful feeling Katniss knows Johanna feels deep within her. Every time Johanna touches her, she feels the depth of her emotions, because Johanna lays them all to bare. At least with Katniss she does.
But she doesn't say I love you.
Katniss never expected to fall in love with Johanna Mason. Moving in with her in 13 was a favor for a friend, a friend who had literally put her life on the line for Katniss. It appeared as if they would never move beyond allies, but they quickly became friends. Katniss left for the Capitol with Johanna's parting words in her ear, said so low Katniss was sure she wouldn't have heard it if her good ear hadn't still been facing the girl:
If you die there, I'll kill you.
When she returned to 12, Johanna was there. Food on the stove, a warm fire crackling in the hearth. Johanna didn't respond to the litany of questions Katniss hurled at her. She didn't respond to the insults. She didn't respond to Katniss beating on her chest, or the sobbing. She simply put two bowls of stew on the table and held Katniss until she fell asleep in her arms.
They didn't speak for almost two weeks. Katniss hunted in the woods, alone, as Johanna kept herself busy cooking, cleaning, being shockingly domestic. Each night they ate their supper in complete silence, with Johanna's intense brown gaze staring at her over the table. Johanna made no mention of how long she was going to stay, and Katniss never asked her to leave. They said nothing, but lived in companionable silence.
At night she'd scream Prim's name and Johanna would slowly creep into her room, kicking Buttercup out of the way as she got into the bed. She wordlessly wrapped her arms around Katniss, holding her tightly until her breathing evened out. Katniss fell asleep with the smell of pine Johanna somehow still possessed and the warmth of her body pressed against her back.
Finally words came back to them both. Johanna would whisper stories of her life in 7 as Katniss came down from a nightmare. She'd talk about how the rebuilding was going in town. She'd tell Katniss, over and over, that it was not her fault Prim was dead. She'd whisper it in her ear as she went back to sleep like a lullaby. Katniss almost believes it.
Johanna is free with her words again, like she was before. She's less guarded since the destruction of the old regime; perhaps she's realized the people she loves aren't going to be taken. Katniss thinks perhaps Johanna can now open her heart in a way she could not before.
But she doesn't say I love you.
The first time they kissed, Katniss could barely see. The power had gone out -- rolling blackouts to help save electricity for the rebuilding — and the moon hidden behind a blanket of clouds. Winter had fallen especially hard in District 12. Johanna was angry, typically, that the blackouts affected the Victor's Village.
"We've already been through the damn Games, they should keep us out of this. We've done our share." Katniss was groggy and sleep would not come to her. Johanna's grumbling did not help. She turned over into their embrace and Johanna looked at her, surprised. "Sorry, did I wake you? This is just so fucking unfair. It's gonna be freezing in here soon and we can't hmpfff--"
Katniss didn't know where the impulse came from, but it felt right. She pressed her lips against Johanna's mouth to silence her, and silence her she did. Johanna's voice ceased and she kissed her back almost immediately. It made a heat spread in Katniss's body and a hunger roar in her stomach as if she was a starving child again. Johanna's tongue slid against her own, the older girl's breathy moans echoed off her lips, her sturdy fingers threaded through Katniss's hair and pulled her impossibly closer.
They broke apart and Johanna looked uncharacteristically stunned. It made Katniss smile. "We can light a fire," Katniss whispered against the parted lips of Johanna. "Or have you forgotten all your survival skills, spoiled victor?"
Johanna got out of bed and muttered something about 'good kisser thinks she knows everything' and quickly coaxed a fire in their fireplace. Satisfied with the level of flame, Johanna made her way back to bed. Katniss scooped Johanna into her arms and settled on the pillow, heaving a contented sigh. They resumed kissing, too, which certainly helped bring more heat to the room.
Happiness seems like it's a far away place, but Johanna makes the distance seem shorter.
She says encouraging things, like how Katniss has finally put weight back on, and that her scars are fading. "Not that it matters," she says. “The scars mean you stood for something and won." She reminds her Prim would want her to be happy. That she deserves happiness wherever she can find it. She doesn’t speak of the kiss for days.
And she doesn’t say I love you.
Katniss said it first. A night of kissing turned into more nights of kissing Johanna Mason and feeling the warm, pulling sensation in her body, which was unfamiliar and yet, entirely natural. Soon she wanted more, craved more, and Johanna was always willing. Her hands found new places, entirely new places to Katniss, and Johanna's lips and tongue found their way there, too.
Johanna is impulsive and reactionary, but in the bedroom she is soft. She is slow, she is careful.
The first time she was so gentle Katniss wasn't even sure Johanna was herself. Johanna's tongue was inside her, pushing and drawing out all of Katniss's stress and desire and worry from within. Her one hand clasped with Katniss's, the other holding her around the thigh as she brought Katniss to the highest peaks of desire. It was a few more tries before Katniss found the courage to reciprocate. But when she did, Johanna moaned her name and a string of District 7 profanity Katniss vaguely remembered from that night Johanna spent in morphling withdrawal. Katniss crawled back up Johanna's body, plopping next to her and feeling Johanna's warm, sweaty skin stick to her own as she pulled the blankets up over them. Nuzzling into her neck she felt lighter than air, but heavy with love. She brushed Johanna’s hair, now coming down to her chin, away from her eyes. "I love you."
But Johanna doesn't say I love you.
Instead, she is there. Always. She says things like "if you get hurt I'll kill you," or, "if you're not back by nightfall I'll send Bread Boy out there." She teases and prods and challenges Katniss. She's there with a kind word or a snarky comeback. She's there with strong arms and incredibly talented fingers and warm lips.
She puts breakfast on the table in the morning and dinner at night. She sharpens her axe on the porch and sharpens Katniss's arrows, too. When Katniss naps, she finds Johanna perched in the chair across from her, vigilantly awake. When asked why, Johanna simply responds, "Because the only person who can kill you in your sleep is me."
But she doesn't say I love you.
She leaves out little gifts every once and a while and never mentions them. A small wood carving that looks like Buttercup, the garden in the back filled with rue and primrose. Her mother sent a sapling from a tree in 4, which they planted in honor of Finnick. If Katniss finds herself falling into melancholy, Johanna takes one look and her and can gauge whether she needs to be held or left alone. Somehow, she is always right.
She remains insanely stubborn and wildly passionate. They argue about mundane nonsense, like how to properly repaint the walls or what to bring Haymitch for their weekly dinner, and Johanna will insist on being right until proven wrong. And when she's proven wrong, she gets petulant like a child, all pouts and blushes and angry muttering. Katniss finds it adorable. Johanna chops wood for hours, even in the summer, to work off her own problems. She can almost take a shower now and she will let Katniss in the bath with her.
One night, Katniss was late coming home from hunting during a thunderstorm, having gotten disoriented in the woods. Lingering disorientation is a recurring issue, but Johanna is usually there to be her compass. Johanna, soaking wet and shivering found her at the edge of the woods. Her body shuddered fiercely, but in her eyes was a relief so large Katniss was robbed of breath. Johanna is still willing to sacrifice for Katniss; something she'd never shaken from her promise before the rebellion. She is forever protecting the Mockingjay.
But she doesn't say I love you.
Katniss holds Johanna through her nightmares, strokes her hair when she trembles and talks about her past. Katniss makes old recipes she remembers from her mother, writes in her journal and lays Johanna in her lap and lets the older girl tell tales of the other victors Katniss never knew, or doesn't know well enough.
Their love is as bright and evident as a summer day and Katniss has said I love you a million times and always meant it. And Johanna returns it with a kiss or a "me too" or an "I know."
Katniss originally thought it was a stubborn Johanna Mason thing. Possibly a quirk of 7. But after months, then years, of loving Johanna and being loved by her, Katniss was at a loss. She even brought it up to Haymitch.
"Does it matter? She clearly loves you," he said, sipping his water and shaking his head. Katniss likes sober Haymitch. As does Effie, who flitted into the kitchen and perched on the arm of his chair.
"I know she does," Katniss said. "It's odd she's never said it."
Haymitch sighed, placing the bottle of water on the coffee table in front of him, peering up at her with his penetrating blue eyes. "Since you asked me, I'm gonna give you my theory. Everyone, and I mean everyone Johanna has ever loved in her life is dead. Not just left or gone, killed. Her parents, her siblings, her lovers, her friends. Everyone. Now think about that. Think about what that does to a person. Makes you a little gun shy to love anyone anymore, right?" Effie rubbed his back and he managed a smile.
"But that's all over."
Haymitch scoffed. "Does it feel over, Katniss? Remember when I said you never get off this train? You don't. We don't ever really escape the arena. Physically, yeah, but we carry that with us. You don't go a day without thinking of Prim or Rue. Johanna doesn't go a day without thinking of all the people she loved and lost. She doesn't want you to be one of them."
"I'm not going to leave her. Not ever, she has to know that."
Haymitch smiled, worn eyes crinkling. "She does. Trust me. And she loves you. Maybe she'll never say it out loud, like a superstition or something. Johanna doesn't do anything half-ass and she doesn't love just anyone."
And she doesn't say I love you.
Instead she kisses until Katniss can barely stand, until she feels like she’s being lit up from within. She makes sure Katniss has eaten all her soup and had a piece of bread before letting her go out hunting in the day time. She brings home plums, a rarity in 12, and makes a lamb and plum stew. Upon interrogation, she blushingly admits to having called Plutarch for recipe of the one served in the Capitol. She checks on Peeta when Katniss doesn't have the courage. She enjoys the periodic updates on Annie’s child, though Katniss sees the shadows pass across her face.
Her desire doesn’t wane. Over years, it doesn’t seem to matter. Johanna has always taken what she wants, and Katniss is no exception. No matter the time of day, if Katniss is willing, Johanna will take her with hot persistence, desperately, as if they’ve never touched. Her passion never ceases to overwhelm Katniss, but she always reciprocates. Johanna's lips and fingers and skin make her feel alive. More than that, it makes her feel like she's truly living. Johanna never apologizes for the bruising hickeys she leaves on Katniss's skin, despite the looks they get at the market, or the smirks from Haymitch. Johanna will still bite and suck and mark her, whispering hotly into her skin each time.
”Mine.”
She cleans Katniss's wounds, no matter how small, when she comes back in from a hunt. She'll snark about how Katniss should "watch where she's going" but place her hand on the small of her back when they go anywhere, keeping Katniss steady.
She holds Katniss’s hand when they're in public, rubbing her fingers with her thumb as they chat idly with the residents of 12. She brushes hair from Katniss's face and stands in front of her when the sun gets in her eyes. It's a useless endeavor, seeing as how she is a bit shorter, but Katniss is endeared by the effort. She says things like "be safe" and "come back soon" when Katniss leaves the house. The plucky victor also curls against her when Katniss talks on the phone with her mother, stroking her back. She is comforting. She is challenging.
Johanna is patient when Katniss expresses an overwhelming desire to have children. Something she never wanted in her old life, but somehow, as the years wear on, she thinks about. As children begin playing in the meadow and 12 gets on its feet as a thriving district. It's bustling again and something inside Katniss wants to propagate. This is a world in which a child could be brought.
They lie together on their bed, entwined and sleepy as Johanna strokes her fingers up and down Katniss's spine. "If you want kids, brainless, we'll get kids. As many as you want." Katniss is surprised, but she doesn't let it show. When she's sleep drunk, Johanna is sentimental and less guarded. That's one of Katniss's favorite Johanna's. “I want you to be as happy as possible.”
Johanna reads to Katniss when she tries to fall asleep. She teaches Katniss how to use an axe. Katniss teaches Johanna how to use a bow. They spend most days together, but spend some days apart. Every night ends in each other's arms. Living each day can be a struggle, but with Johanna, the load is immeasurably lighter.
In the fourteen years they've been together, Johanna has not said I love you once. But in not one of those fourteen years, not even for a second, a minute, a day, has Katniss ever not felt loved.
Johanna doesn't say I love you, she lives I love you. And that is worth more than any three words.