Chapter Text
“I can’t wait to have my own bed again,” Rin groaned as he got under the covers in his and Haru’s shared bed at the hotel in Sydney. Haru just huffed and closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep with his body turned so that his back was facing Rin, just like the previous night. It was awkward enough to be sharing a bed with Rin; facing him was more than Haru could handle. Plus, if Rin decided to drop more confessions tonight as well, it was best that he couldn’t see Haru’s face.
The previous night when Rin told Haru about how much he admired and looked up to him as a swimmer and rival was one of the things that spurred Haru to coming to his decision to pursue a career of professional swimming earlier today. Rin said that he needed Haru in order to keep trying hard to get better and faster, but Haru wasn’t going pro for Rin. Rin saw something in Haru that Haru had not been able to see himself, and Rin’s confession helped clear away any doubt about Haru’s relationship with swimming. He never thought he cared about his swimming times or winning his races. What mattered was that he was able to swim and able to swim with his friends. But, at the back of Haru’s mind was always the doubt that maybe he did care about winning races, that the energy he felt when racing against other swimmers, especially Rin, was just a part of competition. Haru now knew that he wanted to be the best.
Haru had always loved swimming, or just being in water in general. His mother always said that when he was very young he always enjoyed taking baths, and as a toddler when they visited the beach his parents had to make sure to keep a close eye on him or else he’d run right into the ocean. His relationship with water only deepened when he joined the Iwatobi Swim Club. At that time, water was an escape, and swimming relaxed him and took him to another world away from the one that exhausted him outside of water. It wasn’t until Rin joined in 6th grade that Haru first experienced annoyance at having to share his watery world with someone else. It irked Haru, the way Rin’s presence seemed to fill the pool with electricity, the way he dived and glided through it as if it were his own to conquer. Haru didn’t like the idea of someone being better in the water than him, that someone else could feel the water the same way Haru did, if not more, as if Rin’s relationship with water was greater than his. Of course, those were the somewhat silly thoughts of a 12-year old boy, and Haru knew that Rin didn’t feel the water the way Haru does (according to Rin, he’s not a “freak” like Haru).
Even if Haru did realize that no one was trying to surpass his relationship with water by swimming better that Haru, Haru secretly hated the idea of someone being better with water than him. After all, Haru was the water obsessed one; it only made sense that he be the best in it. But Haru couldn’t always rely on his natural talent. If he wanted to be the best, he had to work hard at it. And that’s where Rin came in. Haru would deny it out loud to anyone who asked, but it was because of Rin that he started running to and from swim club every day after school, and Rin’s reappearance last summer had the same effect on him. He never did it to swim for Rin and give him the proper challenge he so desired. Haru actually never understood exactly why he worked so hard, only knowing that maybe by giving Rin what he wanted, a truly earned win against Haru, that he would be able to move on from that dreadful day that winter in middle school.
So now here Haru was, in Australia, with a dream to be the best swimmer in the world. And he wanted it, to be the best. He had always wanted to be the best. It seems that maybe everyone’s compliments on his swimming did swell his ego and reassured him that he was the best. Now he was going to show the world that he was. Makoto had always said, “You really are the best in the water, Haru-chan!”
Makoto. The thought of his friend made him curl in on himself even more. Haru’s dream dilemma was resolved, but he had run away from Iwatobi without clearing up things with Makoto, and Haru was terrified of what he would go back upon his return to Japan. He had said some terrible things to Makoto in his anger and desolation, and he wasn’t sure if he was even worthy of forgiveness from his ever kind best friend. After all, Makoto was so worried about telling Haru about his decision to go to Tokyo because he was afraid of Haru would react, and Haru’s reaction was probably Makoto’s worst fear come true. Haru was a terrible friend. He should be happy about Makoto going to Tokyo and pursuing his dream, whatever it was. Haru had never asked. What hurt Haru the most was Makoto deciding this without telling Haru, although now that Haru looked back on it he realized that Makoto did try to talk to him, Haru just wouldn’t let him. But the real kicker was that Makoto was splitting them up. He wanted them to split up. He thought it would be okay if they parted ways, and Haru could only blame himself for never letting Makoto know just how much he needed him and wanted them to continue their lives the way they had always been, the way they were comfortable with.
Maybe it was time to let go, for them to grow up and learn to live by themselves without each other. The idea made Haru’s heart ache. It was more guilt than anything. He knew he and Makoto would always be friends. You don’t spend your whole life with someone only to forget that person. But there would be a distance. No more walks to and back from school, no more Sunday study sessions, and no more sleepovers every weekend filled with video games and loud twins would create a void that would probably never be filled, and the loss in this friendship is something Haru wished he could live without. Maybe if Haru had tried harder to be as a great a friend to Makoto as Makoto was to Haru, Makoto would have chosen differently, but in Tokyo Makoto would meet so many new people, maybe someone who was worthy of the friendship Makoto could offer. Makoto deserved someone who would be the best friend that Haru always should have been. It was too late to fix things now, so Haru could only wish his friend all the best with his soon to be new life in Tokyo, even if it made his heart feel like it was shriveled up.
“Haru? Are you awake?” Rin asked, interrupting Haru’s somber thoughts.
“…Yeah,” Haru quietly replied after a short while of debating whether or not he should feign sleep. Rin exhaled loudly, as if he has been holding his breath.
“I want to tell you something.” Not again, Haru thought.
“I know last night I told you about what you are to me,” Rin began. “But that’s when it comes to swimming. There’s more I want to say.”
Haru said nothing.
“I always thought you were amazing from the first time I saw you swim. I thought you were so cool,” Rin continued, and Haru could almost hear the blush in his voice. “Of course, when I transferred to Iwatobi I realized how much of a dick you were. But I still thought you were pretty cool, and I wanted to impress you so badly.”
Haru suddenly started feeling a little suspicious.
“It wasn’t until a while after I left Iwatobi that I realized what I was probably feeling at that time,” Rin laughed weakly, then getting a bit quieter. “I think I liked you more than I should have. But I didn’t think much of it, that is until I returned to Japan. I wasn’t particularly happy to see you again, and you still pissed me off, but you hadn’t changed. You were still the same Haru. The same, amazing Haru.”
Haru was now very stiff with eyes opened wide.
“For most of last summer we weren't on great terms, and I regret that. I don’t think I ever apologized for the way I acted towards you. I’m sorry.”
Haru didn’t know what to say. It was obvious that he had forgiven Rin. He didn’t think he’d be in Australia with him if he hadn't forgiven him.
“Being friends with you guys again makes me really happy,” Rin said after a while of silence from Haru. “But mostly, I think, I’m happy to be friends with you. We’re closer now than we ever were as kids, and it’s made me realize something. Haru, could you turn around?”
Haru just shook his head, hoping that Rin would pick up on the fact that facing him was the absolute last thing Haru would want to do right now.
“Fine. Whatever,” Rin sighed. “Anyway, I just want you to know that I like you, as more than a friend. I’ve always liked you. I think you’re amazing, Haru.”
Never in Haru’s life did he expect this to happen. If someone had told him one of his closest friends and rival would confess romantic feelings for him while they sharing a bed in Australia, Haru would have scoffed in their face and pegged that person as a lunatic. Maybe Haru had finally fallen asleep and was having a twisted dream that reeked of awkwardness. After pinching his arm under the covers, Haru came to the horrifying realization that this was actually happening, and Rin was probably expecting him to respond. Gathering up every ounce of courage he had, Haru slowly turned to face Rin.
It’s not that Haru didn’t like Rin, because he did, just not in the way Rin probably wanted him to. For Haru to say he didn’t know why Rin liked him would be a lie. He was very aware of how Rin brought out feelings in Haru that no one else could. He knew Rin felt the same electricity he did when they swam, but out of the water that intensity was more annoying than anything else. Rin could make Haru feel competitive, but also make him feel anger and frustration with his pushiness, like he had at Regionals, and sometimes Haru even felt jealousy over Rin’s skills. And other than swimming, he and Rin didn’t have much in common. Haru couldn’t think about what they even talk about that’s not swimming when it’s just the two of them. Haru and Rin were rivals, not lovers, and Haru wasn’t interested in being with Rin. Haru hoped he could convey these feelings to Rin without ruining their friendship. Once was enough.
Rin was lying on his side, facing Haru. Blue and red met, and Haru tried to convey what he was feeling with his eyes. But Rin wasn’t Makoto, and Haru would have to use words to answer.
“Rin… I…I don’t, um,” Haru stuttered and cast his eyes down, not knowing what to say. Unsurprisingly, Haru didn’t get many confessions, most girls having stopped trying to talk to the expressionless boy after the first few months of high school. He wasn’t good with words, which is why Makoto had to speak for him sometimes. But Makoto wasn’t here, so Haru decided to go with the simplest route.
“I don’t…feel…the same,” Haru started again, with eyes still not looking at Rin. “You’re just a friend to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Haru finished looking back at Rin. Rin closed his eyes and let out the breath he had no doubt been holding with a small smile on his mouth.
“Well, guess it can’t be helped,” Rin said, shifting so that he was lying on his back with his arms behind his head, eyes closed like he was preparing to fall asleep. Haru was thoroughly confused. He’d expected Rin to be a little more depressed. Rin, acknowledging Haru’s confusion while rolling his eyes, continued, “Oh, come on, Haru! I said I liked you, not that I’m desperately in love with you.”
Haru was still very confused. He’d expected things to get immensely more awkward, maybe some tears from Rin, ones that Haru was in no way equipped to deal with. He thought maybe he’d have to find another place to sleep if Rin decided to kick him out the room. As much of a relief the current situation was, Haru couldn’t shake his uneasiness.
“Um…Rin?” Haru asked quietly.
“Hmmm?” was Rin’s reply.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why’d you confess?”
“’Cause I thought you should know.”
“…Why?”
“Because you’re an unobservant dope who’s only proving even more that he’s not worthy of my affection,” Rin said with an exasperated sigh. “Do you want me to be all depressed and mopey, the way you were when we first got here? I didn’t realize your ego was that big.”
“No. It’s just…” Haru responded. “Random.”
“Not as random as you think.”
“…What?”
“Jeez, Haru, do I really have to spell everything out for you?”
“…”
“You’re hopeless.”
Haru huffed. “Fine, don’t tell me. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”
“I couldn’t move forward without telling you,” Rin said after a minute of silence. “Sousuke, he and I, we…we like each other. He confessed to me not too long ago, and I return his feelings, but I felt guilty about being with him because I still had feelings for you. Now that things between us are cleared up, I can be Sousuke without having to worry about ‘what if’.”
Haru took a moment to absorb this information. So that’s why Yamazaki acts the way he does, Haru thought, thinking back to almost every interaction he’s had with Sousuke.
“So…you’re not upset?” Haru asked.
“No, genius, I’m perfectly fine,” Rin answered sarcastically. “A little disappointed, but I’ll live. You don’t always ruin my life.”
Haru was relieved to hear that. Even if he didn’t like Rin romantically, he was still a close friend, and Haru couldn’t bear hurting him deeply again.
“Anyway, I kinda knew I never had a chance,” Rin said wistfully.
“…Why?” Haru asked, again confused. Why did Rin have to say such weird stuff?
“Because of Makoto. I could never get between that.”
“…”
Makoto?! Haru was again frozen stiff, blue eyes opened wide, wondering why Rin would say something like that. Rin noticed.
“No way. No fricking way. Nanase Haruka, you are shitting me.”
“There’s not…Makoto and I…We aren’t…What?” Haru blurted out.
“Haru! Oh my god! Are you serious?!” Rin was now sitting up, an incredulous look on his face. “You don’t know?!”
“…?” This just might be the most confusing night of Haru’s life.
“Haru. It’s one thing for you to not notice the way I felt about you. It’s downright shameful that you don’t even realize what’s right in front of you 24/7!”
“…Makoto...and me…”
“Haru,” Rin’s voice softened a little. “You really can’t tell? Because literally everyone else can.”
“…”
“Makoto’s in love with you. Do you not see the way he looks at you?”
It was like the past 18 years of Haru’s life and time spent with Makoto suddenly flashed through Haru’s mind, but every moment shared between them, every glance and gaze, everything they ever did was seen through a different lens. Haru was really seeing everything for the first time, finally realizing and understanding what the tender looks and lingering touches meant, why they happened in the first place. Haru had always thought that Makoto treated him the way any friend would treat their best friend, of course intensified by Makoto’s kind and giving nature. But now he could see that he and Makoto were not like normal best friends. They never really were. Always together, never allowing anyone else into their private, impenetrable world of Makoto and Haruka. The two were more like two halves of one whole, neither being without the other, always on the same page and accepting of each other, that is until recent events. Haru’s despair over his fight with Makoto finally put all the pieces in place.
“I…love…Makoto,” Haru said slowly as the realization dawned on him. His face must have been a sight to behold, because Rin started laughing.
“Oh, Haru. You’re such an idiot,” Rin chuckled.
Haru felt like he’d just swum across an ocean. His thoughts were muddled and his limbs felt heavy, his discovery taking over his entire being. The only thing that he could think about was Makoto. Makoto, Makoto, Makoto… Makoto’s face. Makoto’s eyes. His smile. They way his voice sounds. The way he says Haru’s name. Haru was suddenly very homesick. I want to see Makoto.
“You’re welcome,” Rin said, smug smile on his face.
Haru glared at him, but then softly said, “Thank you.”
“You know, I always thought that maybe you were too 'different' to feel something like love,” Rin said thoughtfully. “But, if there was anybody you could love, it would be Makoto.”
To this Haru smiled. It was true. No one else could even come close to being as close to Haru as Makoto is. No one would ever understand Haru the way Makoto does. And Haru was pretty sure that no one could ever love him as much as Makoto does.
Rin yawned, and Haru followed suit.
“We should go to sleep. We’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow,” Rin said through another yawn.
“Yeah…” Haru trailed off, closing his eyes.
Sleep sounded like the best idea. The sooner he fell asleep, the sooner they would get on the plane back to Japan. The sooner they got back to Japan, the sooner Haru could get to Makoto. And there was nothing Haru wanted more in the world than to see Makoto.