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Jiang Cheng had it all planned out.
He’d talked it through with his sister, every single detail and what-if. He had a plan for every potential disaster, every inconvenience that could throw off the timeline. He had backup plans for backup plans. He’d mapped out every single potentiality, knew exactly what he was going to do and say. He’d even recruited his dumbass brother and his saint of a sister and his boyfriend’s incredibly intimidating brother to be in the right place at the right time, just so they could be part of it too.
Jiang Cheng had figured the nerves would go away with the sureties, dissolved by confidence. But when he woke up the day of the proposal, he was so anxious he couldn’t even move his limbs. He was fairly sure his heart was trying to rip out of his throat.
He laid there for a long moment, floundering. He was fairly sure he was on the edge of heart failure. Maybe it was full system failure. Maybe his brain and body had formed an alliance to wipe him out all at once, just so he could avoid that singular doubt in the back of his head that he would ask Nie Huaisang to marry him and Nie Huaisang would say no.
He knew it was a dumb anxiety. Nie Huaisang hadn’t been subtle with leaving wedding magazines around the apartment, nor in leaving tabs for engagement rings open on Jiang Cheng’s phone for him to find. He was fairly sure that if he didn’t propose soon Nie Huaisang would beat him to it, which would have normally been fine if Jiang Cheng wasn’t single-mindedly determined to see his plan to fruition.
They were going to have a lazy Saturday morning and afternoon, cuddling and watching whatever Nie Huaisang wanted to watch. Jiang Cheng had already told him it was a date night tonight—keeping it a secret would’ve made it too obvious that it was special and date nights weren’t uncommon. The secret part would come after dinner, and Jiang Cheng and his jiejie had planned it all perfectly.
It started once he got out of bed. Any moment now.
Jiang Cheng would be lying if he said he hadn’t imagined this day hundreds of times, and proposing to Nie Huaisang in the abstract at least a thousand times more. From the moment he’d met Nie Huaisang and the other man had given him a small, intriguing smile, he’d known he was done for. When it came to actually planning the event and buying the ring, he had been more than prepared. He’d written and rewritten the speech in his head a million times.
He’d ridden a damn horse for Nie Huaisang. Jiang Cheng was really in it for the long haul. All he needed to do was finalize it.
He took one last deep breath before pushing himself out of bed.
Jiang Cheng was typically the earlier riser, but every once in a while Nie Huaisang was able to soothe him back to sleep, curling his limbs around Jiang Cheng like an octopus until he surrendered. Nie Huaisang always woke up from those mid-morning naps first, so it wasn’t a surprise to hear the sound of pans clinking from the kitchen, the pleasant smell of pancakes and coffee wafting toward the bedroom. Jiang Cheng paused only to pull on a pair of sweatpants, only realizing they were the ones he’d hidden the ring in when he was already halfway through the living room.
He froze in panic, considering turning on his heel and hurriedly putting them away. But then Nie Huaisang was already looking up from the stovetop, flour in his hair and his eyes soft with sleepy contentment, a happy smile curling onto his lips when he saw Jiang Cheng watching.
Jiang Cheng felt himself smile back, effortless, thoughtless. As easy as breathing. “Good morning.”
“Good morning indeed,” Nie Huaisang replied with a smug, sultry smile. “Petition for you to never wear a shirt again.”
“Denied,” Jiang Cheng said, feeling the flush burning at his neck already. “I’d lose my job.”
Nie Huaisang made a doubtful noise, unabashedly running his eyes over Jiang Cheng’s chest and stomach. Jiang Cheng barely managed to keep himself from rolling his eyes, even as Nie Huaisang responded, “I’ll take care of you.”
“I’d never be able to go to a grocery store.”
“Delivery.”
“A restaurant.”
Nie Huaisang sighed. “That would put a damper on date nights, wouldn’t it?”
At the mention of date night, Jiang Cheng very valiantly did not start screaming. “Yup,” he replied hoarsely. He cleared his throat. “And if I stopped wearing a shirt, that would mean other people would see me shirtless too.”
“Wow, yeah, scrap that then,” Nie Huaisang agreed immediately, winking so exaggeratedly that it managed to pull a laugh from him. Nie Huaisang flicked a spatula toward him, sending pancake batter in every direction. “Sit down, handsome. Breakfast is almost ready.”
“You didn’t have to make anything,” Jiang Cheng tried to protest weakly, settling onto one of the barstools at the counter so he could watch Nie Huaisang work, wearing one of his shirts and just the hint of boxer briefs underneath. Nie Huaisang glanced over and grinned when he noticed him looking.
Nie Huaisang made a show of wiggling his hips before replying, “I was in the mood for pancakes, and somebody was being extra lazy this morning.”
Jiang Cheng nearly kicked himself. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Nie Huaisang echoed, startled, and then shot him a curious look. “Why are you sorry? I’m usually the lazy one. This way, I get to spoil you.”
Jiang Cheng managed to make a vague noise of agreement, thoughts already racing.
He was already botching it. Maybe he should have started with breakfast in bed instead of leaving the morning a giant question mark, it definitely would have been more romantic. He couldn’t believe neither he nor Jiejie had considered that.
The panic was settling in again, a small static charge on his skin. Jiang Cheng forced himself to take a deep breath to avoid the rush of anxiety crawling up the back of his throat, shoving it down as best as he could.
It was useless to panic, he reminded himself. He had a plan—he just needed to stick to the plan.
Absolutely certain that he’d put his foot even further in his mouth if he opened it again, he elected to remain quiet even when Nie Huaisang sent him a curious look, the edges creased in concern. Jiang Cheng focused instead on the quiet hum of the radio Nie Huaisang could never cook without, the familiar melody of a popular song bouncing around the kitchen to the background of the scrape of the spatula and his boyfriend humming along, somehow knowing every single song.
Jiang Cheng loved soft, slow mornings with Nie Huaisang. They got to take their time and do whatever struck their fancy. If they wanted to cuddle on the couch for hours and hours, they could. No one could stop them, and neither of them would ever deny the other anything.
But there was an engagement ring in his pocket and anxiety in his chest and Jiang Cheng was really starting to hope a meteor would come through the ceiling and take him out before he could ruin this worse than he already had.
He was lost enough in his thoughts that he almost didn’t notice Nie Huaisang quietly setting a heaping plate of pancakes on the counter in front of him, blinking back into awareness as Nie Huaisang said softly, sweetly, “Hey. What’s with that face?”
“What face?” Jiang Cheng asked, definitely making a face.
Nie Huaisang pursed his lips before shrugging away from his side of the counter, coming around to wrap his arms around Jiang Cheng’s waist, burying his head in his shoulder and pressing his very warm chest against Jiang Cheng’s back. Nie Huaisang turned his head to nuzzle into the side of his neck, his fingertips moving in slow, distracting patterns on his chest.
“A-Cheng,” Nie Huaisang murmured into his skin. “What’s wrong?”
Jiang Cheng really, really could not be making more of a mess of this. A part of him wanted to pull away from Nie Huaisang, to crawl back into bed and be mopey and bitter until they had to leave tonight. If it had been three years ago, before he’d met Nie Huaisang, he might’ve. But instead, he leaned back into his boyfriend, tilting his head enough to bury his nose in his hair.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied, not very convincingly. Nie Huaisang hummed, obviously not believing that for a second, and placed a soft kiss on his shoulder.
For a moment, they just stayed like that, Jiang Cheng’s face hidden in his hair and Nie Huaisang’s lips on his skin. And then, with a great big breath, Nie Huaisang leaned more of his weight onto Jiang Cheng, tightening his arms around his waist and burying his head in his back. Jiang Cheng reached up to trace his fingertips over Nie Huaisang’s wrists, trying to keep his heartbeats and his breathing under control.
Quietly, Nie Huaisang murmured, “Something’s been bothering you.”
Jiang Cheng twitched. In response, Nie Huaisang tightened his grip like he thought Jiang Cheng might push him away.
“You don’t have to tell me about it,” the love of his life murmured into the skin of his shoulder, arms tight around him but hands soft, reverent as his fingers traced the outline of each of his ribs. “I can tell it’s been bothering you for a while, and I assume it’s work since you never want to talk about work at home. I’ll be here when you want to talk about it, alright? You can rant as much as you want and I promise I’ll even pay attention.” Nie Huaisang smiled against his shoulder, pressing another soft kiss to the same spot. “I love you. Okay?”
Jiang Cheng tightened his hands on Nie Huaisang’s wrists hard enough to feel his bones, trying to swallow down the sudden rush of guilt that made him wish he could evaporate into the atmosphere.
Nie Huaisang had noticed his worrying, his stress. Nie Huaisang had noticed and thought Jiang Cheng was pulling away from him.
They had learned each other a long time ago, memorized the angles of each other’s distress and the lines around their eyes. Nie Huaisang knew Jiang Cheng better than any human in this world, more than his own brother and sister and any friend he’d ever had. He held all of Jiang Cheng’s secrets between his ribs with his own, kept them safe and sound in the palms of his hands and the warmth of his smile.
Jiang Cheng knew every fractured piece of Nie Huaisang, every insecurity and uncertainty. He knew his joy and his worst habits, knew him perhaps better than he even knew himself. He figured, if anyone asked, Nie Huaisang would say the same about him.
For Nie Huaisang to think Jiang Cheng was pulling away for him, like he had some piece of himself that he didn't want Nie Huaisang to see and own and forgive like one of his own sins—it stung, right where his heart was most vulnerable. The piece with the least amount of protection.
Jiang Cheng wiggled out of Nie Huaisang’s hold only so he could spin around and swallow him up instead, arms tight around his body and legs coming up to hook around the back of Nie Huaisang’s thighs. Nie Huaisang made a noise like he was surprised before he laughed into Jiang Cheng’s collarbone, returning the hug with the same ferocity.
“Aw,” Nie Huaisang murmured, only a little teasingly. “Is it a cuddle octopus day?”
Jiang Cheng ignored him, but murmured, “I love you.”
He knew Nie Huaisang had never doubted him about that, not for a long time, but he still felt the very subtle way that his boyfriend’s body relaxed. That final, tiny centimeter of space he allowed himself to close, pressing them just a little bit closer. Jiang Cheng could feel Nie Huaisang’s heart beating against his chest.
“I love you, too,” Nie Huaisang assured him, reaching up to pet his hair. “And I mean it—you can talk to me about whatever it is whenever you want, okay? Or not at all. Whatever you need to do.”
“Soon,” Jiang Cheng assured him, squeezing him just a little tighter before letting go. He pulled Nie Huaisang’s chin down so he could kiss his forehead, each eyelid, the corners of his smile. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”
“I know,” Nie Huaisang murmured, holding Jiang Cheng’s head still so he could kiss the tip of his nose. “But we’re a team, you know? You and me against the world. I just want to lighten the weight.”
Nie Huaisang kissed him one last time between his eyebrows before sliding out of his arms, into the seat next to his, close enough their elbows were still touching. He knocked his knee against Jiang Cheng’s as if it wasn’t close enough before turning his attention to the plate of pancakes.
“Come on, sweetheart, let’s eat,” Nie Huaisang said, starting to pile the pancakes onto two more plates. “I’m starving and I don’t want all my hard work to go to waste. And I don’t know about you, but pancakes always make me feel better. They’re a cure-all.”
Jiang Cheng watched him divide the pancakes, music at the edges of his rapidly beating heart like a warm memory and Nie Huaisang’s smile happy and relaxed, and he thought about the way Nie Huaisang had said you and me against the world like it was a promise, an oath.
Nie Huaisang put a plate of pancakes down in front of him and smiled, eyes curled up in the corners like Jiang Cheng loved. “Bon appetit,” he sang, nudging his knee again.
And Jiang Cheng, half out of his mind, burning with how in love he was with this man, dreaming of all the mornings he wanted to feel just like this, said: “Marry me.”
Nie Huaisang froze, pancake dangling in between two plates. He turned his gaze up to meet Jiang Cheng’s, speechless.
Jiang Cheng immediately realized what he’d said. Horror burned cold in his stomach as he gaped back at Nie Huaisang, opening and closing his mouth as he scrambled for an explanation, finally croaking, “I—I mean—”
Slowly, Nie Huaisang put the pancake back down. “A-Cheng.”
“It wasn’t supposed to come out like that,” Jiang Cheng babbled, wishing he could shut up but now that it was out in the open, now that Nie Huaisang was looking at him like he thought that it was a joke, it all came spilling out. He felt his eyes burning with tears, embarrassed and horrified and ruining the whole damn thing, and he finally choked out, “It was supposed to be this big thing and I had a whole speech and—”
Nie Huaisang grabbed his shoulders with both of his and shook him, which was a good emergency procedure to get him to stop talking. “A-Cheng. Are you proposing to me for giving you a pancake?”
Jiang Cheng had ruined it and he wished he could evaporate into thin air and cease to exist on this mortal plane. “No, I—it’s not because of a pancake, Huaisang—”
In a flash, Nie Huaisang slapped his hand over Jiang Cheng’s mouth. “Stop.”
So he did. Jiang Cheng froze with the coldness in his veins, a mixture of his terror and shame and the wish to turn back the clock and do it all better, perfect, the way Nie Huaisang deserved it to be. Nie Huaisang, like he could read his mind, tightened his hold on Jiang Cheng’s shoulders until he winced and finally met his eyes again, certain that there would be bruises in the shape of Nie Huaisang’s fingertips later.
Nie Huaisang looked—wild. Speechless, eyes wide. He looked like he had a million questions and he didn’t know which one to ask, so he just kept staring at Jiang Cheng hoping to see the answers on his face. Jiang Cheng had no idea what he saw but he was sure it wasn’t what Nie Huaisang was looking for.
After a moment of the most crushing silence of his entire life, Nie Huaisang took in a jagged breath and opened his mouth to speak.
“Wait,” Jiang Cheng whispered, and Nie Huaisang—froze. Waiting, just as he’d asked. “Can I—?”
Jiang Cheng didn’t know how to finish his sentence but Nie Huaisang nodded anyway, relaxing his grip. Jiang Cheng took the opportunity to get off of the bar stool, to push it backwards with his foot. And then, as Nie Huaisang watched him with wide eyes, Jiang Cheng got down onto one knee.
“A-Cheng,” Nie Huaisang said, and then when he watched Jiang Cheng reach into his sweatpants pocket with a trembling hand and pull out a ring box he said, even wilder, “A-Cheng!”
“Hold on,” Jiang Cheng replied. “I have a speech.”
Nie Huaisang let out a halfway hysterical laugh. He clapped his hands over his mouth to muffle it, staring down at Jiang Cheng like he thought he might be hallucinating. His eyes were curving with a smile Jiang Cheng wished he could see.
He stared up at Nie Huaisang, on one knee holding the little velvet box he’d been expertly hiding for weeks, and suddenly felt at an absolute loss of where to begin. He looked at the ring box, and then back at Nie Huaisang with his hands over his mouth, and he whispered, “Hi.”
Nie Huaisang let out a noise that could have been a laugh or a sob, but his eyes were still smiling when he murmured back, muffled through his hands, “Hi.”
Jiang Cheng reached a shaking hand out for Nie Huaisang’s. Nie Huaisang offered him his left hand, shaking almost as bad as Jiang Cheng’s, which he figured wasn’t very fair. He was the one on his knee, opening his dumb anxious chest and letting his insides pour out on the ground between them in the shape of a gold wedding band.
Nie Huaisang’s hand was warm. Jiang Cheng clutched it like a lifeline, more than a little in love with the way he could see hints of Nie Huaisang’s blinding smile, now that he could see pieces of this man’s wonder and awe.
He took a deep breath. Gave his heart one more moment to beat out of his chest before he said, “A-Sang.”
Nie Huaisang burst out laughing. “Spit it out! I can’t take it!”
“Don’t rush me!” Jiang Cheng replied, a laugh finally ripping out of him. “It’s a lot of pressure, okay?”
Nie Huaisang made a show of pressing his lips together. Jiang Cheng desperately wanted to kiss him, wanted to shake and cry with relief that maybe he hadn’t ruined it, that Nie Hauisang was smiling so he couldn’t have—
He focused on Nie Huaisang’s callused fingers against his own, throwing whatever script he’d written away, and murmured, “Nie Huaisang. This isn’t at all how I planned to propose today.”
Nie Huaisang’s eyes went wide with shock. “Today—”
Jiang Cheng shushed him. “That’s my secret. It’s kind of dumb, but I really wanted to make this big event about it, you know? I wanted to show you how much I love you, and it was going to be this big thing with like, champagne and our family jumping out to surprise you, and we’re still going to do that because I had to beg your brother to come all the way to the city and let me tell you, that was not easy—”
“A-Cheng, this is the longest proposal in history.”
“I’m going off-script.”
Nie Huaisang let out a peel of helpless laughter but he waited patiently, smiling down at Jiang Cheng, trembling maybe with the effort of holding himself back, the heat of his smile warm and sweet and so in love that Jiang Cheng felt like he was staring into the sun.
The speech didn’t matter, he realized. It didn’t matter, because all at once he was saying, “A-Sang, you’re right. It’s you and me against the world. Be on my side for the rest of our lives. I want to be even more in love with you in a hundred years.”
Nie Huaisang watched him fumble the ring out of the box, watched him awkwardly push it onto his finger. It fit, Jiang Cheng had known it would fit, but it still relaxed something deep inside of him to see how good it looked on Nie Huaisang’s finger. How it looked like it belonged there.
“Marry me?” Jiang Cheng asked again, kneeling shirtless on the floor, pancakes going cold and Nie Huaisang staring down at him like somehow he was all of his dreams coming true at once, smiling wider and sweeter than Jiang Cheng has ever seen—
And without warning, Nie Huaisang was flinging himself off of the barstool, landing with his full weight on top of Jiang Cheng and sending them both falling onto the floor. Nie Huaisang was laughing, loud and sweet and wild, and his hands came up to press kisses all over Jiang Cheng’s face, messy and uncoordinated, made even better by the way Nie Huaisang couldn’t stop giggling.
“Yes,” Nie Huaisang murmured against his face, kissing along his cheekbones, bursts of his laughter against Jiang Cheng’s skin. “Yes, yes, of course—”
Jiang Cheng finally caught Nie Huaisang’s bottom lip with his teeth and murmured, “I love you.”
“I love you,” Nie Huaisang said back, and then laughed again. “Wow, I really thought you were like—caught up in some work drama or something. I can’t believe—even Da-ge?”
“Mm,” Jiang Cheng murmured against his mouth. “Hotel down the street. My sister’s picking him up later.”
Nie Huaisang grabbed his head between his hands, pulling back far enough to look at him. His eyes trailed to the side and stared as if surprised, a soft smile pulling onto his lips. Jiang Cheng realized with a start that Nie Huaisang was looking at the ring on his finger.
He shook his head, turning his attention back to Jiang Cheng. “You said you had a plan.”
“It was a very good plan,” Jiang Cheng admitted, a little sullen but far more relieved that it had worked out anyway, that he’d somehow managed to screw it all up but it still ended with Nie Huaisang smiling at him like he’d done something otherworldly magical. Nie Huaisang grinned, running his thumbs along his cheeks.
“Can I hear it?”
“A lazy day, and then dinner,” Jiang Cheng admitted, pulling Nie Huaisang even closer, crushing him so close as if they might morph into one person, like he could fit Nie Huaisang between his ribs and keep him safe and warm there forever. “After dinner, I was going to surprise you with this indoor garden. It’s at the top of a skyscraper downtown, and it has a lotus pond.”
Nie Huaisang stared down at him, overjoyed. “At the lotus pond?”
Jiang Cheng, a little embarrassed, nodded. “My siblings and your brother were gonna hide and jump out to surprise you once you’d said yes.”
“We are absolutely still doing this,” Nie Huaisang announced, grinning. “I’ll pretend to be surprised. It’ll be the performance of the century. I’ll cry and fall into your arms like a love interest in a drama.”
“Baobei, you already did that.”
“Hm,” Nie Huaisang replied, grin getting wider. “You’re right. Wait, did I cry? It’s all a blur.”
Jiang Cheng kissed his jaw line. The tiny dimple in his left cheek. “I blacked out somewhere around the pancakes.”
Nie Huaisang threw his whole body back and laughed until the sound bounced around every wall of the apartment, reverberating off of every surface. They’d never turned the music off but the laughter overpowered it, a melody that should be played over and over again. Jiang Cheng hung on to his hips to keep him from falling, smiling as Nie Huaisang leaned back into him like gravity.
Nie Huaisang pressed their foreheads together, smiling. “This is perfect, A-Cheng. Any way would have been perfect.”
It released a tension Jiang Cheng had been holding in his chest, one he hadn’t even been aware he was carrying. Leave it to Nie Huaisang to know the little doubts he carried in his heart. Leave it to this incredible man to know him better than he knew himself, again and again and again.
Jiang Cheng kissed his chin. “You’ll have to give the ring back, you know,” he murmured. “If you want this to look real.”
Nie Huaisang frowned, immediately pulling his left hand back to his chest like he thought Jiang Cheng might wrestle it off of him. As if Jiang Cheng would ever want to see that ring anywhere but on Nie Huaisang’s finger. Nie Huaisang considered that, and then decided, “When we’re about to leave. You can have it back right before we walk out the door.”
And it was relief that warmed his skin, gratitude and joy and relief, because even though he had never really thought Nie Huaisang would say no, a part of him had imagined the possibility that he would, and he was endlessly glad he would never have to face a cold, empty forever without him, always looking over his shoulder toward what he lost. Jiang Cheng had crossed a milestone that had seemed impossible and Nie Huaisang had met him there with arms open wide, love in his eyes and heart in his hands.
It hadn’t gone to plan, but maybe this was better. An honest, raw moment just for them. A quiet Saturday morning with cold pancakes and a promise of forever, a significant something that would always smell like coffee and morning sunlight.
Jiang Cheng fell in love with Nie Huaisang more and more every day. Today, he let himself drown in it. He let it blind him.
Nie Huaisang, laughing and happy in his arms, was so warm. Jiang Cheng let himself burn with this, too, wishing for a thousand more mornings with Nie Huaisang in his arms and coffee going cold, warm lips and happy smiles and a gold band wrapped around a ring finger.
It wasn’t what he imagined. But it was still just as good—a little ruined, a little silly. So in love that it made the world warm and soft at the edges, fingertips on each other’s skin. Nie Huaisang kissed the corner of his eye; Jiang Cheng responded by grabbing Nie Huaisang’s left hand, pressing his lips to the ring, a vow for forever.
You and me against the world, Nie Huaisang had said, and Jiang Cheng let his brand new fiancé pull him in for a lazy, happy kiss.