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“I don’t want to hurt you”, he said with his deep voice. You looked right into his eyes where you saw small tears form for the first time. Your eyes widened from surprise and you felt your throat shrink, getting smaller and smaller.
Taking a deep breath, trying with all your might not to let tears form in the corner of your eyes too, you waited a few seconds before opening your mouth. “I know. I know.” Your tone had some fatality to it. Agreeing with him on this matter was the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Yet you said what you said while taking his big hand into yours pressing it to make him feel your sadness.
Biting your lip was now of no use, you couldn’t help but shed some tears. They rolled down your cheeks, and into your neck to finally end their race when they came in contact with Chrollo’s shirt.
“But. Leaving isn’t necessary.” You searched for the perfect sentence. “It hurts both of us.” You articulated fairly louder. Yet your partner didn’t seem moved by any of your words. Any trace of tears had left his beautiful face, lit by the moonlight; but sadness was still perceivable in his eyes. He let out a single phrase, three words that made the situation even more impossible. “I love you.”
Silence now ruled between the two of you. You thought of telling how much you loved him, how you wanted to be with him forever. These thoughts made you realize how pathetic this situation was. How pathetic you were really. You felt like a twelve-year-old getting rejected by her longtime crush. But it wasn’t enough to make you back down. In your heart, you felt that yours and Chrollo’s story wasn’t over yet.
“I can always get stronger. I can train. You can train me!” Your voice was now far away from the whispers you let out before. “Let me do it. I can even join the Troupe. That way I’m with you, protected and able to defend myself.”
For a second you saw hesitation in your partner’s face, but it left as quick as it came.
“Darling, I believe you are aware of my position, and of the Troupe’s doings.” he began. “I could never let you make such a foolish decision. Hell, I could never forgive myself if something happened to you.” He put his warm hand on your head and slowly leaned in to give you a tender kiss on the forehead. But at the last instant, you lift your head up intercepting his lips with yours.
The kiss was sweet. Or was it his lips? Either it was a totally different experience from what you had seen or felt before. The passion hadn’t disappeared, you simply had both decided to lock it away for this exchange. Surprisingly, the butterflies in your stomach were multiplied by a hundred, no a thousand; sending shivers down your spine. His hands left your hair for your cheeks as yours found his soft, black hair.
“Please my God do not try to make me believe there is a better sensation than the one I am experiencing at this moment.” You thought. “Please leave him with me. I beg of you”. You had never believed in God but there you were praying to an entity you didn’t recognize.
Tears started rolling down your cheeks again, racing each other to yours and Chrollo’s jointed lips adding some salt in the sweetness of your kiss. Maybe some of his tears got caught in it too. You weren’t sure anymore, everything was blurry. His touch made your head spin and got you weak in the knees, and your lips moving in harmony only added to your dizziness.
He slowly ended what felt like a goodbye kiss. You hid in his neck, hiding your crimson cheeks. You took a deep breath, inhaling his scent trying to remember everything about it, afraid that it would be the last time you could smell it. Him. Chrollo. The man you loved. As much as you didn’t want to admit it right now. You loved him and letting him go would bruise you for as long you lived; even in the afterlife.
Where was the discussion coming from? You had been together for months now, even a year. Of course, he had told you he feared that something would happen to you, but you took the risk. You feared something happening to him too. But all of this was so sudden. Or had he been thinking about it for a long time? Did he choose to leave you out of the blue or had he been preparing this conversation for a long time? You couldn’t decide, yet just the thought of him being sick of you made you cry even more. You. That had always been empowered and independent. How did you find yourself crying over a simple man?
It was probably because he wasn’t a simple man. You had never felt anything like it. He was your first. The first one, and at that moment it felt like he was the only one.
“Protect me. Hell if I am too much of a burden than train me. I don’t care what you do, which one you choose, as long as you choose to stay by my side.” Your voice wasn’t louder than a whisper, yet, maybe it was his sweet embrace or the way he held you close to him, his hands surrounding you tighter than before but you were able to speak your mind freely and without feeling any remorse.
Chrollo’s voice on the other hand was deep and he was in control as always. “ Y/N. I don’t how you do it but when it comes to you I’m always selfish. I always want you close to me, I always want to see you. That’s not fair Y/N. Won’t it be selfish again to stay with you? To give in to my wants? Today if I choose to stay with you, if I give in after that kiss or feeling your warm tears on my bare skin won’t I be selfish?" He took a pause in the middle of his poetic phrase, a sight leaving his mouth. "The problem is, I want to, I want it strongly.”
He paused again, to lightly push you out of his embrace and look at your eyes. After a few seconds, he pulled you back into his strong chest, brought his lips next to your ear, and whispered. “In every book, I’ve read, it was always written that love was as easy as breathing. That when you found true love nothing really keeps you away from each other. Why is it so hard with us? It seems like there are a thousand reasons for me to stay away from you, for you to stay away from me. Why then?”
You did not know if he was waiting for an answer, but whether or not he was, you didn’t have one. Your mind was blank. You didn’t agree with him. Actually you wanted to scream that if true love was easy then it wasn’t true at all. That if it was easy than you could find true love everywhere. But you couldn’t. You didn’t have the words and your brain was vacant.
It was Chrollo’s turn to lay his head on your shoulder, and for the first time in a few hours, you felt as light as a feather. True enough the matter wasn’t sorted out, but you were ready to fight. Because this conversation had shown you a new facet of the man you loved. The sweetest one yet. And now you were sure that part of him, the one so deep in it rarely got to see the outside world; was the one protecting you. It was that part’s arm that was holding you every night and that kissed you every morning. It was that part that held your hand when you walked in the streets.
How could there be anything dangerous with falling in love with a man that had such sweetness in him? A man that could love you the way he did, that could make your head spin and your knees weak.
Tonight you were sure Chrollo was trying to make you realize how stupid you were for loving him. “Boy did he fail.” You thought.
“I…” he started. “I think I need to think about everything.” His head left your shoulder and his hand left yours as he walked towards your apartment's door and got out. “I’ll be back.” You heard him say as he closed the door behind him.