Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When I was lost
You stood there silent
And kept the light on inside me

In the quiet of the early hours of the morning, Keith is woken up by his internal alarm clock. He gets out of bed and slips on his treasured red and white hoodie, wasting no time waking up.

He pads his way into the kitchen, being sure to be quiet so as not to wake up his brother. He foregoes his usual habit of starting the laundry first thing, knowing Shiro will understand. He starts a small pot of water boiling, carefully opening the cabinet to get two packets of the dollar hot chocolate with marshmallows and his thermos. He hesitates, having a moment of fleeting guilt as he remembers something that happened a few days before.

Hunk had made them all hot chocolate and Keith had taken a big drink of his, not realizing it was a special recipe of Hunk's. He'd made a face (there was too much going on for him), and didn't notice how Hunk's face fell until afterward. Unfortunately for him, Lance (being the loyal [if a bit dense] friend that he is) immediately noticed and made a big deal out of defending Hunk's honor, and it really got out of hand. Keith felt really bad and Hunk noticed and took him aside.

"Do you mind telling me what it was you didn't like? So I can make it better?" Hunk asked. Keith was taken aback, fully expecting anger.

"I- I think it's probably just me. Sorry." Keith stammered anxiously.

"Well I mean- it might be. But I still want to make it so you like it!" Hunk exclaimed and Keith flinched slightly. "Sorry."

"It's okay, sorry. Umm... I dunno, it's a little too... Fancy, I think?" Keith answered tentatively and Hunk beamed.

"So you like it simpler, that actually makes a lot of sense. What kind of hot chocolate do you like?

"Th- the dollar stuff?"

"Okay. Um, what do you put in it?"

"...Water?" From the horrified look that even Keith could understand on Hunk's face, he'd gotten the answer wrong. He wilted. "Sorr-"

"No! Nonono, that's not- it's fine! Just, why?" Hunk winced at how blunt his words sounded. "Sorry, that came ou-" He was interrupted by Keith's incoherent mumbled reply. "Sorry? I-"

"Good memories." Keith repeated and Hunk's face softened.

Keith's pretty sure that was the end of it, but he can't help the nagging feeling that Hunk is angry with him (he knows that Lance is, but that's nothing new. Lance has gotten worked up over all kinds of stuff with him). His thoughts are interrupted by the water coming to a boil. He quickly turns the burner to low, opening two packets of the cocoa mix and dumping in their contents. He stirs it together until the marshmallows are completely dissolved into the hot chocolate, pouring it into the thermos and shutting off the stove. He screws the lid onto the thermos and grabs it, two mugs (one of them spill-proof), and two blankets on his way to the door.

He makes his way out of the apartment as quietly as he can and finds a spot on the ground with a clear view of the sky, laying out the sturdier blanket to sit on. He gets settled with the softer blanket draped over his shoulders and the still dark sky in clear sight and pours the hot chocolate into the two mugs with a little more in the spill-proof one.

He sets the spill-proof mug carefully a little bit away from his right side and settles further into the blanket, cradling his own mug of hot chocolate but not drinking it yet. He bites his lip, trembling as silent tears run down his face, threatening to turn into loud sobbing. He clenches the mug tightly, trying to burrow himself further into the blanket. Eventually, he calms himself enough to start sipping his hot chocolate, though the silent tears are still running down his face, and starts to watch the morning sunrise.

Hey Pop, I miss you. I wish you'd come home.

When the kids meet up for lunch together, as usual, Hunk is the first to notice the empty seat.

"Is Keith out sick today?" Hunk asks, concerned. Pidge's eyebrows furrow in thought while Lance just shrugs noncommittally, already starting on his lunch.

"No, he was with us in science earlier." Pidge answers.

"Whatever, if mister lone wolf wants to eat by himself let him." Lance mutters, sulking.

"Lance, are you still worked up about the other day- you know what? It doesn't matter right now. Pidge, do you have any idea why he wouldn't be eating with us?" Hunk asks.

"He probably just needs some peace and quiet after dealing with mister sunshine over here." Pidge answers, jabbing a thumb in Lance's direction as he sputters indignantly.

"Hey!" Lance exclaims in offense as Pidge snickers. "Maybe he needed a break from all your nagging."

"I don't nag!" Pidge exclaims defensively.

"Yeah, you do! And you have no sense of privacy either! I was beginning to think if you tried to get him to spill about his past one more time he was gonna blow a gasket!" Lance retorts and Pidge looks like she's ready to lunge at him right there and now. Hunk intervenes.

"Hey! Calm down guys, gee whiz. I'm beginning to think Keith had the right idea, no wonder he needed a break." He ignores Lance and Pidge's indignant 'heys' and continues. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go try and find him just in case something's wrong."

"Good idea, I'm gonna go give him a piece of my mind." Pidge states already up and heading for the cafeteria exit.

"Suit yourself." Lance shrugs and takes another bite of his sandwich, completely oblivious to the horrified look on Hunk's face.

"Pidge! Wait- that's not what I meant! Pidge!"

Meanwhile at the Broganes household...

Shiro tries to find something productive to do while anxiously waiting to see if Keith's school will call. Keith insisted that he would be fine going to school today but Shiro's understandably concerned.

It wouldn't be so bad if the others knew. The others being Pidge, Lance, and Hunk. He had unintentionally stepped on some emotional landmines around the anniversary himself and he had known from the start. Matt knew, they'd talked about it a couple of weeks ago...

A Couple of Weeks Ago...

Keith had gone to dinner at the McClain's with Hunk and Pidge. Shiro was invited too, but he was exhausted was looking forward to a quiet night at home. Mrs. McClain had understood and Shiro offered to take all of the kids another night, which made her laugh. Yeah, probably not the best idea. For whatever reason (who knew with Matt) Matt decided to opt-out too. This is how Matt ended up bringing snacks over to Shiro and Keith's and they ate them while making fun of old sci-fi movies.

"Hey, can I crash here tonight?" Matt asked after they were out of snacks and a rom-com was playing on the TV.

"Sure, your mom..?"

"She's fine with it, I told her I was gonna ask." Matt answered and Shiro lazily lifted an eyebrow with his eyes half-closed from his (very comfortable) position on the couch, half-asleep.

"So you were just buttering me up with snack so you could use me?" Shiro asked jokingly.

"You know it, I'm only in it for your crappy couch." Matt teased back, dodging the pillow Shiro threw at him easily.

"Hey, I'll have you know that this couch and I have been through a lot together!" Shiro exclaimed in mock defense as Matt fell off the couch with hysterical giggles. "You're insufferable, you know that?"

"I'm well aware, thank you." Matt answered dryly, but the effect was lost by a huge yawn. Shiro rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"Fair warning, Keith gets up before the crack of dawn." Shiro told Matt.

"I'll be fine, I sleep like a baby." Matt assured.

"Sporadically with a lot of crying in between?" Shiro asked.

"Yup." Matt answered, snickering. They both broke into laughter at this, both exhausted but not ready to sleep yet. Matt's expression sobered somewhat and what Shiro said finally registered. "Wait, when does Keith get up?"

"Four A.M., on the dot." Shiro confirmed and Matt's eyebrows shot up into his hairline comically.

"Four A.M.?" Shiro nodded. "Dang! What does he even do that early in the morning?"

"He starts a load of laundry, goes running, comes back and switches the first load to the dryer and starts another one, takes a shower, laundry again, and then he makes hot chocolate and puts on his favorite hoodie and watches the sunrise while he's drinking it." Shiro intones monotonously like he has Keith's morning routine memorized (he does), Matt sits in stunned silence for all of two minutes.

"Man, it sounds like Keith's more productive in the morning than I am all day. What's up with the hot chocolate part though?" Matt asked.

"Hmm?" Shiro mumbled, thoughts having wandered.

"It just seems kind of random with the rest of the routine." Matt elaborated and Shiro's eyebrows scrunched in thought.

"I'm... Not really sure. I think it might have to do with his dad? All I know for sure is he's done it for as long as I've known him." Shiro shrugged.

"What is the situation with his dad anyway? Wait- you don't have to answer that. That's really personal, I shouldn't have asked." Matt backpedaled, wincing.

"It's okay. The situation is... Kinda complicated." Shiro started uncertainty and Matt raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Like, his dad's a scumbag complicated, or..?" Matt asked and Shiro sighed.

"He was a firefighter and he'd just finished his training as a smokejumper, I think? He got called out to the wildfires in Yosemite, and I guess when his parachute activated the wind shifted and his parachute got caught in a tree." Shiro informed a horrified Matt gravely.

"Geeze Louise." Matt whispered, horrified.

"The worst part is they never found his body so-"

"Keith can't even get closure. Dang, Shiro. That's- that's beyond messed up. I- I don't know what to say. Is there any chance..?"

"He's been MIA for six years, Matt. So either he's dead or-" Shiro started and Matt winced.

"Yeah... Either way, it's a tragedy." Matt stated solemnly. "When's the anniversary?" Matt asked tentatively.

"October 20th." Shiro answered and Matt nodded. The conversation trailed off after that and they both ended up falling asleep on the couch. They woke up late the next morning with blankets covering both of them (courtesy of Keith) and hadn't spoken of it since.

But now that the anniversary had come that conversation came back into Shiro's head. Matt's at school right now, or else Shiro would be tempted to drag him over here to distract him. He would too. Heck, he probably wouldn't even have to ask him to come over, he'd just show up. But instead, Shiro's left to his own devices, anxiety running high.

He gives up on being productive pretty quickly.

Keith is eating his lunch by himself in the library to avoid talking to anyone. He hasn't touched his lunch by the time Pidge storms in.

"Why didn't you come to lunch with us?" Pidge asks with an edge to her voice. Keith sends her a confused look.

"What?" He asks, voice rough from disuse.

"Are you avoiding us?" Pidge interrogates.

"No." Keith answers, getting even more confused.

"Well then come on let's go-" Pidge starts, but is interrupted by a panicked Keith.

"No! I-" Keith's voice started to fail him. C'mon, not now! "I- I- c-can't. I-"

"What's wrong?" Pidge asks, demeanor softening somewhat at hearing him stutter. Keith shakes his head.

"N-no I- ugh. I can't ta-alk ab-about it." Keith finally manages to get out.

"Clearly," Pidge mumbles under her breath and Keith's expression darkens into a scowl.

"N-none of your bus-business an-anyw-way," Keith tries to come off menacing, but it seems to lose its effect with the stutter. Nonetheless, Pidge gets the picture and narrows her eyes at him.

"I don't know why you think I nag you." Pidge says, confusing Keith further.

"What?" Keith asks, and Pidge gives him a moment to see if he'll elaborate. When he doesn't, she lets out an exasperated sigh.

"I thought we were friends, but if you can't trust me I don't know what we are." Pidge says and storms back out. Keith is struggles to get his breathing under control and by the time Hunk quietly makes his way into the library Keith's ability to communicate is reduced to morse code. A fallback he hasn't had to use since he was adopted into the Shirogane household. Hunk notices how upset Keith looks and tries to appear as non-threatening as possible.

"Hey man, you mind if I sit with you." Hunk asks in a quiet and gentle voice. Keith regards him warily, and after a few seconds nods tentatively. Hunk sits in the seat next to Keith slowly. "Bad talking day?" Keith nods, staring intently at the table in front of them. "I brought you something. You know how you said that the reason you didn't really my hot chocolate was because it was too fancy? Well, I fixed it. And I brought a sample of the the new recipe for you to try." Hunk tells him excitedly, setting a thermos on the table and pouring some of the hot chocolate into the thermos cup. Keith hesitantly takes the cup from Hunk, eyeing it suspiciously. Hunk nods at him encouragingly and he takes a cautious sip.

Keith's immediately hit with memories early mornings curled up in his pop's warm and strong arms, watching the sunrise together before he takes Keith to school. He starts to tear up, to Hunk's horror.

"Oh no. Oh no! I'm making you cry. I am so sorry. Oh my goodness I'm the worst person in the-" Hunk starts to spiral into panic but is interrupted by Keith vigorously shaking his head. His denial is contradicted by the tears that are now streaming down his face, but Hunk stops nonetheless.

Keith pauses for a moment in thought, considering his options. He was already pretty fortunate that all three members of the friends group knew ASL and were willing to communicate with him that way. But he knows from experience that ASL isn't even an option when he's this anxious. It doesn't seem likely that Hunk will understand morse code too, but it's not like he can just keep to nods and head shakes. And for some reason he really doesn't want Hunk to leave. Keith carefully taps out his words. Knocks with a fist for dots, pats with an open palm for dashes.

Hunk takes a moment to process before it clicks. "Oh! Is that morse code?" He asks, and Keith nods. "Cool! My dad taught me a couple of years ago. Sorry go ahead, I wasn't paying attention."

Faster this time, Keith taps out his words with shaky hands while Hunk concentrates on translating. MY DAD TAUGHT ME TOO.

"Really? That's cool. But are you okay? Is something wrong with the hot chocolate?" Hunk asks, concerned about how upset Keith seems to be.

IT'S REALLY GOOD. Keith answers.

"I'm glad you like it but are you okay?" Hunk asks and Keith nods. "Then why are you crying? Did I-" Keith interrupts by knocking loudly. "Okay, I'm listening."

Keith hesitates before responding. IT REMINDS ME OF MY DAD.

"Oh... Bad memories?" Hunk asks but Keith shakes his head.

GOOD ONES. He corrects, confusing Hunk.

"But if they're goo-"

MY DAD'S GONE. Keith answers.

"Gone like he left or..." Hunk asks, unintentionally echoing Matt's earlier question. Keith takes a minute to consider his words before responding, softer than before.

HE WAS A FIREFIGHTER, HE WENT MISSING IN ACTION SIX YEARS AGO. TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY. Keith eventually responds, biting his lip hard with his eyes trained on the floor. Hunk's face crumples with sympathy.

"Oh Keith." Hunk trails off as Keith grips the table tightly and tries his hardest not to lose it. "Can I... Is it okay if I hug you? If you don't want me to that's okay." Hunk rushes to add and after a minute Keith nods so subtly Hunk almost doesn't notice. Hunk immediately wraps the smaller boy in a tight embrace, swaying gently as Keith trembles with barely contained sobs. "I know you probably don't want to cry but it isn't healthy to keep it all in like this. You can let it buddy, I promise I won't think of you any differently." Keith's body seems to take Hunk's words as permission, and the floodgates open. Hunk feels heartbreaking sobs reverberate through his chest as Keith finally lets out all of the pain he's been bottling up. Keith doesn't really mean to do it, it's just-

Hunk's so warm, and strong, and safe. And he feels protected in a way that no one but Shiro has made him feel since-

Somehow he starts to cry harder.

"Okay- Keith, this is- this is really good. But buddy, you need to breath. Can you do that for me?" Hunk asks and Keith shakes his head. Hunk takes a deep breath, knowing what to do from his own panic attacks. "Can you feel me breathing?" Keith nods. "Okay, we're gonna take this really slowly. I'm gonna take deep breaths and you're just going to follow my lead okay?" Keith nods shakily. "Good, in for 5, hold for 3, out for 5. Got it?" Keith nods again and Hunk patiently coaches him through the exercise. Slowly Keith gets his breathing back under control and breaks away from the hug, cheeks bright red both from crying and embarrassment at his meltdown.

After a few minutes he taps out SORRY.

"What? Why are you sorry?" Hunk asks, confused, and Keith ducks his head. "Keith, it's the anniversary of the day your dad di-" Keith flinches. "-went missing. I would be more worried if you weren't upset." Keith doesn't look convinced. "Seriously, Keith. I do this all the time, you have nothing to worry about. I underst-" Hunk starts but changes course when he sees the look on Keith's face. He's probably heard a lot of people say that who didn't actually understand. Hunk thinks about what he wants to say, and lets out a long sigh. "I guess I probably don't understand, not completely. But... A few months ago my dad got hit by a car." Keith's head jerks up in surprise at the admission. "He lived, but he was hurt really bad. He um..." Hunk trails off, getting choked up but he perseveres. Keith needs to hear this. "He broke his back, and part of his spinal cord was damaged. They... They weren't sure if he'd be able t- to walk again, for awhile." Hunk's voice starts to get shaky, but to his surprise, Keith takes his hand squeezes it gently in encouragement. "Thanks. He's been staying at a rehabilitation center a few miles away. My mom said that the doctors said he'll walk again, but it'll take awhile and he'll need a cane to do it. I know it's not the same but..."

IT'S STILL HARD. Keith taps out, and Hunk nods.

"Yeah... It's really hard." Hunk agrees, voice wavering. Keith is still holding his hand, it's only a small gesture, but it means the world to Hunk. Hunk can't help but be disappointed when he takes it back, until he realizes what Keith's doing.

It takes him a few tries, but eventually he manages to sign 'I'm sorry about your dad.'

Hunk smiles brightly, and takes a moment to think. I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD TOO. Hunk taps out in sloppy morse code, but from the smile on Keith's face he got it right. "Feeling any better?" Keith makes the so-so gesture and Hunk sighs. "Well, that's better than I expected. At least I found you before Pidge did." A brief look of panic crosses Keith's face, and Hunk's eyebrows narrow. "Pidge found you first, didn't she?" The look on Keith's face answers his question. "What did she say to you?" Hunk asks anger written in his expression, but he makes an effort to hide it when Keith shrinks back into his seat. "Sorry. I'm not mad at you, I'm just worried about what Pidge might've said." Hunk reassures and Keith bites his lip nervously.

'She was mad.' Keith signs reluctantly. Hunk can tell that he isn't going to add to that, but he doesn't need him too. The tension in Keith's shoulders and the kicked-puppy expression on his face tell him everything he needs to know.

"Don't worry, I'll drop it. But we should drink the hot chocolate before it gets cold." Keith nods shyly.

Yeah, Hunk would be having words with Pidge and Lance when he gets home.

And when I broke down
And all the world turned to gray
You told me time would be gentle

Chapter Text

You held me up
When I was drowning
And wrapped me in your spare blankets

Pidge and Lance are engaging in a heated debate over a new theory Lance has for the latest Star Trek series while they wait for their bus.

"Are you kidding me? That's ridiculous! There's no way that R-" Pidge stops mid-argument when she sees Hunk walki- no, stomping. He's definitely stomping. Oh no. Lance is about to respond before he catches sight of Hunk too.

"What did you do?" Lance hisses at Pidge.

"Me?! What makes yo- Hunk! Hey, you look..." Pidge trails off, at a loss. Up close it becomes very clear that Hunk is angry. Hunk very rarely gets properly angry, and she can count on one hand the times it's been directed at her (Heck, it's not even that much more for Lance and they've been friends since kindergarten). So when he actually does get angry...

It's terrifying.

"Hey, buddy, bestie, asere... Why do you look so... mad?" Lance asks nervously.

"We'll talk about it later." Hunk answers in a cool tone. Yikes, this is bad. This is really really bad...

"Are you still coming to my place to work on our homework?" Pidge asks tentatively, ignoring Lance's 'yeah, I already- oh right, sorry. Shutting up now.'

"My mom said she needs to talk to me when I get home." Hunk answers. The lack of apology following his statement speaks volumes.

"Well, what about after..?" Pidge asks.

"We'll see. Besides, the bus is here." Hunk responds, getting in the line to said bus. When they get in the bus Hunk sits as far as possible from Pidge and Lance.

"Pidge?" Lance asks.

"Yeah?"

"We're doomed."

"Yup."

Matt hasn't slept in three days (not unusual for him, unfortunately) because he's been trying to finish this project. He can already feel a headache building when Pidge and Lance walk in, arguing. Pidge sits in her designated beanbag chair next to Matt while Lance lands face first into Matt's bed like the drama queen that he is. Usually, Matt would laugh at this but he's exhausted, and if I can just get this one par-

"What makes you think that this is about the thing with the hot chocolate the other day?" Lance asks Pidge, voice muffled by the bed.

"It was ridiculous!" Pidge exclaims.

"It was days ago! Besides, he was mad at you too and you didn't have anything to do with that!" Lance retorts, turning onto his side so he can glare at Pidge. Matt sighs, clearly he isn't going to get anything done right now. So much for finishing early.

"Okay, what are you two so worked up about?" Matt asks, rubbing his temples.

"Hunk's mad at us." Lance mumbles miserably. Matt raises his eyebrows.

"You're kidding me." Matt says in disbelief, but both of them shake their heads dejectedly. "What did you do?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out." Lance answers.

"We aren't trying to figure it out. I know it's about the thing with the hot chocolate the other day and you're just in denial-"

"I just explained why that didn't make any sense! Maybe it was because of what happened at lunch earlier."

"You mean when you insulted me for no reason?"

"Hey! You're the one who started it-"

Ugh, I'm not getting paid enough for this. Matt thinks to himself and tries to decipher what is going on. "Hey! Be quiet for a second." Pidge and Lance are taken off guard and stop bickering. "Okay, now let's get to the bottom of this. Now first off, what was the incident with the hot chocolate about?" Lance and Pidge start to talk over each other immediately and Matt holds up a hand to stop them. "One at a time, Lance go ahead."

"Hey! Why does he get to go first?"

I simultaneously feel the need to give Hunk a piece of my mind for not being here and give him a bouquet of flowers in thanks for his years of faithful service. "Lance is the one who was the cause of that, right?"

"Right." Pidge answers, suspicious and Lance echoes her statement begrudgingly after a minute.

"So he gets to plead his case first. You'll get to go first for whatever happened at lunch. Go ahead, Lance." Matt explains and Pidge begrudgingly waits her turn.

"Okay, so the other night at my place Hunk made us hot chocolate and Keith took a drink and made a face while he did it. It was so rude! So I set him straight, no one treats my best friend like that." Lance says with false confidence, but after he finishes he gets a sheepish look on his face and scratches the back of his head. "Hunk wasn't very happy about it. But that was days ago! And-" Matt holds up his hand for Lance to stop.

"Lance, we'll get to that later. First, we need to get the truth established. Pidge, you're up." Matt gestures at Pidge as she sits up a little straighter. Pidge takes a breath, ready to give her side.

"Everything Lance just said was bullcrap." Or so Matt thought (should've known better than that). Matt sighs as Lance starts to protest.

"If you two don't stop arguing we're never going to figure this out! Pidge, please just tell me your version of what happened, without directly insulting Lance this time." Matt implores and Pidge raises an eyebrow.

"Directly?" She asks.

"I'm being realistic. Now hurry up and tell me."

"Well... Lance was right about part of it. But I'm pretty sure Keith didn't know that the hot chocolate was homemade, and he felt really bad afterward. And Lance is downplaying what he said to Keith, he practically tore into him for it and wouldn't drop it. Not to mention, Keith apologized. That's it." Pidge explains.

"Okay, now what happened at lunch-" Matt starts but is interrupted by Lance.

"What? You're moving on already?" Lance asks in disbelief.

"As I said, I'm trying to get the whole story before working through this. You had a point earlier, that might have to do with why Hunk's mad at you but if he hasn't shown any signs of it before today that probably isn't all there is to it. And since he was mad at Pidge too and she wasn't involved with that it must be something else. Okay Pidge, since Lance seems to think that whatever happened at lunch was your fault you go first." Matt explains and gestures at Pidge.

"Okay, so Keith didn't come sit with us at lunch today and Hunk was worried. Somehow Lance turned it into a chance to argue. (Lance protests at this). And Hunk got frustrated and went to go find Keith." Pidge tells, and Lance glares at her. I can't imagine why he would've been frustrated.

"Okay Lance, go ahead." Matt encourages.

"Okay, technically what she said was true. But she left out some pretty major details. For one, she insulted me first. And more importantly, when Hunk went to go find Keith she got up to, and I quote, 'give Keith a piece of her mind.'" Lance finishes with a smug look while Pidge glares at him. I'm gonna have to work quickly if I want to figure this out before the arguing starts up again.

"Pidge, is that true?" Matt asks and the brief look of guilt that crosses her face answers his question. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. "Did you find him?"

"Who?" Pidge asks, trying to play dumb. Not her strong suit, since she's the farthest thing from dumb. Matt can't help but roll his eyes.

"Keith, did you talk to him?" Matt asks and Pidge averts her eyes to one of Matt's posters. "Pidge."

"It wasn't a big deal okay! It- it wasn't that. He'll... he'll get over it." Pidge states, for once sounding uncertain of how true her words are.

"You both said that Hunk went looking for Keith too, right?" They both nod. "Maybe the two things are connected. Pidge, do you know why Keith was eating by himself?"

"No." Pidge answers with an exasperated sigh.

"I told you it's because-" Lance starts but is cut off by an angry Pidge.

"Would you just-" 

Here we go again, guess I'm on my own now. Man, what day is it? Is it still October? (sighs) Guess I'll check my phone since Pidge and Lance are clearly occupied. Matt checks his phone and his eyes widen at the date. Oh no. Ohhh no, this is bad. This is very bad. No wonder Keith was by himself today. Matt buries his face in his hands. I could end this argument with one sentence but I can't because it would be a massive betrayal of trust. Besides, if Keith was willing to take whatever happened at lunch today instead of telling Pidge he clearly doesn't want them to know. Ugh.

Matt's thoughts and Pidge and Lance's bickering come to an abrupt halt at the sound of a knock on the front door followed by its opening. Pidge and Lance both tense at the sounds, knowing it can only be Hunk. When Hunk enters the room Matt immediately understands why Pidge and Lance were both so panicked. Hunk's protective side isn't brought out all that often but when it does you better watch out. Matt's only seen him like this once or twice but thankfully never on the receiving end.

"Matt, I need to have a discussion with Pidge and Lance. Do you want us to stay here or go out to the living room?" Hunk asks, frighteningly calm.

"You can stay here, I'll just be working on my project." That's a blatant lie. There's absolutely no way he's getting any work done while this happens but now he's invested and there's no way he's missing this. Hunk nods.

"Hunk, wh-"

"Both of you sit down. Please." Hunk practically orders and Pidge and Lance comply quickly.

"Hunk, I'm-" Lance starts but Hunk gestures for him to stop.

"I'll get to you in a minute, but I need to talk to Katie first." Hunk tells him and Lance gulps. Pidge is trying her best to hide her nervousness, as Hunk walks up to her. "Pidge, what did you say to Keith?"

"What?" Pidge asks nervously.

"Pidge, I already know that you talked to Keith before I did. What did you say?" Hunk asks.

"I... It's not important. He'll be-" Pidge starts but is interrupted by a now openly ticked off Hunk.

"No Pidge! It is important! Whatever you said sent Keith into a nonverbal episode so bad he couldn't sign. So don't sit there and tell me that what you said wasn't important, because whether you meant what you said or not it was." Hunk states, protective anger coursing through his words. From the horrified look on Pidge's face, his words have the intended effect.

"He... He couldn't sign?" Pidge asks, voice wavering slightly. Even Lance looks a little shaken by Hunk's words. Hunk nods. "I... I didn't think it was that bad. How did I..." Hunk takes pity on her since it seems like she's finally listening.

"It wasn't just you. Lance, I know you mean well and you were just trying to protect me. But what you said the other day-"

"I know." Lance says regretfully, and Hunk sighs.

"That's good. But what you said really affected Keith and I know you didn't mean to hurt him but that's still what happened. It's going to take a while to adjust to having Keith in our group, it's just been the three of us for a long time. But I think it's worth it, don't you guys?" Hunk prompts and Pidge and Lance both nod. "Good. But the thing is if we're going to hang out with him some things need to change. For one, you're both used to being able to tease each other and argue without ever doing any real damage. Pidge, I know it isn't really something you do on purpose all the time and you don't mean to come off that way but you can be a little too harsh sometimes." Pidge sighs, but nods reluctantly, knowing she can't argue with the truth. "I'm not saying that it's always a bad thing, but Keith doesn't know us well enough to know that. And Lance-"

"I know, I know! I need to lay off on the teasing and stop overreacting." Lance interrupts.

"I'm not saying that you guys need to stop being yourselves, that's not what this is about. All I'm saying is that we, myself included, need to be a little more careful about what we say around him. Keith's a little.. behind, on social cues." Hunk tries to say as delicately as he can. Pidge snorts and Lance says 'that's an understatement' under his breath. "But that's why things like this happen. You tease him, but that's not what he's hearing. To him, it sounds like you're purposefully attacking him, and maybe even that you hate him." Hunk explains and Lance looks shocked.

"What?! Why would he think that? Of course I don't hate him! He's our friend." Lance exclaims in disbelief.

"I really want to assume things but... I don't know, from the few things I know about his life before he came here..." Hunk sighs, knowing that his friends need to hear this. "The reason Keith ate his lunch by himself in the library is... His dad, he... He went missing six years ago and is probably dead, today's the anniversary."

Pidge and Lance have matching upset and shocked looks.

"What?" Lance asks in a small voice.

"Why wouldn't he tell us?" Pidge asks, the hurt clear in her voice. She's suddenly overwhelmed by guilt. I basically told him that we weren't friends anymore on the anniversary of the day his dad died. "What did... What'd he say when you..."

"It was terrible. It was like he was a completely different person." Hunk says with a haunted look on his face. There's a tense pause before Lance speaks up.

"Did he... Did he cry?" Lance asks, afraid of the answer. In the few weeks Lance has known Keith he's proven himself to be one of the toughest people he's known. He seems practically invulnerable, untouchable even, to Lance. He knows that it's ridiculous to think that Keith doesn't feel emotions but the idea of him breaking down is... a little terrifying, to say the least. Not to mention upsetting. But by the look on Hunk's face, it's obvious that that's what happened.

"Yeah..." Hunk starts, already choking up. "I um, I made him hot chocolate with a new recipe and gave it to him. Right after he took a sip he started tearing up. It was terrifying, I thought I made him cry. Evidently, if he can't sign he uses morse code, which would be cooler if the situation wasn't so awful. Evidently, my hot chocolate tasted like the kind his dad used to make him and it brought back memories. He told me what happened to his dad and- it was so sad, he was trying so hard not to let me see him cry. And I don't think he even made any sounds while he was doing it, which is really concerning. But anyway, I asked him if I could hug him, I'm still kinda surprised he said yes. And after that he just broke down, it was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen." Hunk finishes, wiping the tears from his eyes. Lance is crying softly, and Pidge and Matt both look visibly upset.

"We have to talk to him." Lance says, and Pidge just nods.

Shiro picks up some things for dinner on his way to pick up Keith. When he gets to the school he makes sure to park away from the other cars and goes to their meeting spot. Keith is already there, sitting with his head buried in his knees. Shiro makes sure to make his footsteps as loud as possible so he doesn't startle Keith.

"Keith," Shiro prompts as quietly as he can manage and Keith's head pops up, mouthing 'Shiro'. "Hey buddy, you ready?" Keith shrugs, clearly in what Shiro now knows is called a nonverbal episode thanks to Matt. He can't say he didn't expect it but it still hurts to see his otouto hurting so much. He kneels next to Keith. "Need a minute?"

Keith nods and Shiro sits next to him, far enough that he won't accidentally touch him, but close enough that Keith can initiate it. Keith chooses the latter, slumping against his older brother. Shiro carefully puts his arm around Keith and when Keith leans into the touch he knows it's safe to start stroking his hair. "Do you want me to talk or do you need quiet? Nod for talking, head shake for quiet." Keith nods, so Shiro starts talking about completely mundane things. What he got for dinner tonight (pb&j sandwich stuff, plain ridged potato chips, and the brand of vanilla chai tea that Keith likes to possibly go with the cashew milk they already have at home, depending on whether Keith wants a chai latte or just the tea), funny stories about work, various shenanigans Matt's dragged him into (past and present), and the spot Matt suggested for stargazing that he's planning on taking him to tonight after dinner. Once Keith's shoulders start to relax and his breathing is regulated Shiro sighs. "You good to go home?"

"Mhmm." Keith hums in answer, which is probably a good sign.

"Okay," Shiro leverages himself up, grunting with the effort and holds his hand out to Keith. He waits patiently for Keith to notice his hand and helps him up when he takes it. "Let's go home." Shiro says and Keith grabs his backpack as they head for the car. After they get in Shiro buckles his seatbelt and gives Keith a minute to buckle his. Sometimes when Keith's having an especially bad day he zones in and out, one of the struggles Shiro shares with his brother. And this is definitely one of those days. Sometimes music helps, Shiro knows, but sometimes it makes it worse so he asks first. "Radio on or off?" Keith nods and Shiro turns it on at a lower volume. Taking a deep breath, Shiro makes his way out of the school parking lot and starts for home. When they reach the apartment complex and park Shiro gets Keith's attention by saying his name softly.

Keith startles a little but moves to unbuckle his seatbelt. Shiro gets out of the car and gets the groceries from the backseat. With the groceries in hand, he goes over to Keith's side and opens his door. Under other circumstances Keith would snap at him for 'babying him' but not today, when he so clearly needs the help. They both know that after a day or two he'll be back to his usual stubbornly independent self, but for now, Keith leans on his big brother. Keith gets out of the car sluggishly and Shiro shuts his door behind him.

They take their time getting into the apartment, Shiro locking the door behind him, knowing Keith feels more secure when he does. He puts away the groceries and when he goes back to the living room Keith is still standing near the doorway, staring into space. Shiro's glad Keith is on the craving physical comfort side of the scale today instead of the averse side. He knows it's selfish, but being able to hold Keith when he's hurting makes it easier than the times when it just makes it worse. It makes him feel at least somewhat useful. Shiro pulls Keith in for a hug and just holds him for a few minutes. Eventually, they break away from each other. "You wanna go get dressed in something more comfortable before we go out?"

Keith nods absentmindedly and goes to his room to get dressed. While waiting Shiro makes the PB&Js for dinner and puts some chips on both of their plates. As he's setting the plates on the table he gets a text from Matt.

Matt: How's he doing?

Shiro: About like you'd expect. A little worse than usual, maybe. Or maybe I'm just being overprotective.

Matt: I was afraid you might say that. Something sorta happened at school with Katie today.

Matt: It's nothing to worry about, but she needs to talk to Keith. She wants to do it after you get back, is there any way she could do that?

Shiro sighs heavily. He knows instantly that Keith being subjected to a conversation with anyone but him right now has bad idea written all over it.

Shiro: I don't think it's a good idea. Is it urgent?

Matt: Kinda, yeah.

Matt: I honestly really hate to even suggest it but you know I wouldn't if I didn't really think it was important.

Shiro sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose where the scar tissue runs across it.

Shiro: I'll run it by Keith, but if he says he isn't up to it then it'll just have to wait.

Matt: Thanks, that's all I was asking for.

Shiro rests his head against the refrigerator, wishing he could just skip today altogether. Keith walks into the kitchen.

"Do you want to watch M.A.S.H. while we eat?" Shiro asks, knowing it's Keith's comfort show. He nods and Shiro turns the TV on and finds an episode as Keith carefully brings their plates to the couch. They settle in and watch the episode as they eat their dinner. After they're done eating Shiro decides to bring up what Matt asked him.

"Okay, if you're not up to it it's absolutely fine but Matt asked if Pidge could come to talk to you after we get back. Evidently whatever it is is important." From the look of recognition on Keith's face, Shiro can tell that he knows what it's about. "Seriously, if you don't feel up to it it's fine. I'll just tell Matt you need to do it another day, no big deal."

After a few minutes Keith signs 'It's okay.' This is definitely a good sign since it means his words are coming back to him, but Shiro's still apprehensive.

"Are you sure?" Keith nods. "Okay. We don't need to worry about it yet anyway, we've still got a couple of hours before we head out."

After a few episodes, it's time for them to head out. Thankfully Shiro had thought to scout out the place before today so he knows where it is. "You ready to go?"

Keith nods, Shiro grabs a blanket for them to lay on, and they head out. Even having scouted out the place before it takes a couple of tries for Shiro to find the place. The place is deserted, which good, and Shiro finds a parking spot right by the lot. He gets the car parked and hops out quickly to grab the blanket. To his relief, Keith is already out of the car by the time he gets the blanket from the backseat. He shuts the door and they set out to find a good place to set up. Once they find one he spreads the blanket out and they settle on top of it to look at the stars. Keith listens to the comforting sound of Shiro's voice naming off various constellations and starts to relax, little by little. By the time they have to go Keith is starting to feel a little more like himself as the day nears its end. They head home and at Keith's silent reassurance Shiro texts Matt that they're on their way home.

He's ready to tell Katie the truth.

And you held my head
While I lay broken
And told me I would sleep soundly
And that life goes on

Chapter Text

And nobody knows your name
Yeah, nobody knows your name
To me you're a giant
Or some distant lighthouse that guided my way
But nobody knows

When Keith and Shiro get home Katie is already there waiting for Keith. Shiro lets them all in and quietly goes to the kitchen.

"Do you want some tea, Katie?" Shiro asks, leaning towards the living room and Pidge's face scrunches up as she shakes her head. Shiro shrugs and disappears back into the kitchen, leaving them with some privacy. To Keith's surprise, Katie looks nervous, almost timid. It's probably just me.

"Keith, about what I said earlier. I didn't mean it. I hate it when people disrespect my privacy and I shouldn't have done it. You were right, it was none of my business, and I- I'm sorry okay? I understand if you're mad but either way I'm sorry." She apologizes, looking in any direction but Keith's.

'It's okay.' Keith signs.

"What?" Pidge asks and Keith starts to repeat himself but she stops him. "No, I didn't- I know what you said I'm just surprised. You're... really not mad?" Pidge asks almost tentatively and Keith shrugs.

'Why would I be?' He asks and Pidge looks him over, trying to gauge the sincerity of his words. Once she realizes he's being honest she sighs in relief. 'Did you really think I would be?'

"Well, yeah. I mean... That's kinda the normal response to this sort of thing." Pidge answers.

'I wasn't exactly perfect either.' Keith retorts.

"Well yeah but-" Pidge starts before catching herself when she sees the look of anxious realization on Keith's face.

'Hunk told you, didn't he?' He asks.

"Yeah. He was pretty ticked off at me and Lance and he wanted us to understand." Pidge explains and Keith looks up in surprise.

'Hunk was mad at you?' He asks, surprise written clearly on his face and Pidge winces.

"Yeah, he really let us have it for how we treated you." Pidge sees the look of complete shock on Keith's face. "Don't look so surprised. You're our friend and friends don't let each other get hurt. Even if... Even if it's by other friends." When Keith still doesn't seem to get it she continues. "I don't know who made you think that you don't deserve to have friends who look out for you, if I ever find them I'll give them a piece of my mind. But you do, okay?" Keith nods hesitantly as he wrings his hands before responding.

'I guess I'm just not used to having people who are there for me. I didn't exactly have a lot of friends before we moved here.' Or any. Keith adds mentally but doesn't say it out loud. Pidge is worked up enough as it is.

"Well, we'll just have to teach you." Pidge responds resolutely and is rewarded with a timid smile from Keith. "I'm sorry about your dad."

'Thank you.' Keith signs in response, staring at the floor. 'I should've just told you.'

"Maybe, but I shouldn't have pushed you either." Pidge adds.

'We're really great at this whole communication thing, aren't we?' Keith jokes and Pidge snorts.

"Yeah, definitely." Pidge responds sarcastically. "Don't worry, it gets easier once you learn how to speak autistic." Pidge adds on automatically, not realizing how confusing it probably sounds to Keith before he gives her a confused look. "Oh, yeah. You probably don't know what I'm talking about, do you? I'm autistic." Pidge explains and rushes to add, "This is the sign for autism, by the way." She demonstrates as Keith watches intently.

'What's autism?' Keith asks, struggling a little with the sign for autism.

"Well... It's pretty complicated. If you're autistic it means you're on the autism spectrum. Since it's a spectrum there are a lot of different ways it can manifest." Pidge starts to explain.

'So you are-'

"On the spectrum, yeah. I self-diagnosed at six and never looked back. Why would I wait a year to go to a doctor just so he can tell me what I already know, y'know?" Pidge explains, but from the completely lost expression on Keith's face, he isn't following. "Okay, there's a lot to it so I won't give you the full explanation tonight. Especially considering, y'know. But I can go ahead and give you the highlights if you want?" She offers tentatively and after a minute Keith nods a little.

"Okay, so like I started to say, since autism is a spectrum there's a lot of diversity in the traits that autistic people have. A good example of this is me and Lance. As you can probably tell Lance is a-" Pidge stops when she notices Keith waving frantically at her. "What?"

'Lance has autism too?' Keith asks, confused.

"Oh. Yeah, Lance and his little brother Luis are both on the spectrum. You might've noticed that Luis doesn't..."

'Talk?'

"Yeah, at least not in the- huh." Pidge cuts herself off, starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together. I mean, it's not like I never considered it but...

'What's wrong?' Keith asks, confused.

"Nothing. Anyway, Luis doesn't talk yet-"

'Isn't he only four?' Keith asks, getting even more confused. Pidge raises her eyebrow.

"Yeah, he's four." Pidge answers, not sure where he's going with that. Seeing the look on Keith's face something occurs to her. "Keith, what do you think the average age to start talking is?"

'I don't know. Four, maybe?' Keith guesses.

"Months?"

'No, years.' Keith corrects and instantly Pidge starts to see this situation in a new light.

"Keith, how old were you when you first started talking?" Pidge asks, half expecting Keith not to know the answer. How would he even find out in his situation?

'Five years old.' Keith answers. Things start to make a lot more sense for Pidge. The way she and Keith had clicked after only knowing each other for a short period of time. Now that it's started the observations start hitting her one by one. Pidge is brought back to awareness by the concerned look Keith's face. It's always easier to read other autistic people's facial expressions. 'Is that bad?'

"No, of course not. Sorry, I zoned out a little bit. Tonight's obviously not a good night for it, but would you want to come over sometime so I can tell you about it?" Pidge asks hopefully.

'Okay.' Keith signs and there's a lull.

"I really am sorry about today, and what happened to your dad. I can't imagine what that was like." Pidge tells him honestly and Keith just bites his lip and nods. "Do you... Want a hug, or something?"

'Not really.' Keith answers honestly and Pidge lets out a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness. I mean, no offense, but physical contact is just the worst sometimes, you know?" Pidge asks and Keith nods with genuine understanding. "Huh, yeah you probably understand that." There's an awkward silence for a minute before Pidge thinks of something. She holds her fist out to a confused Keith. "Fist bump?"

After a minute of deliberation, Keith bumps her fist with his carefully. Pidge smiles at him.

"I better get home, see you later!" Pidge says as she leaves and Keith waves after her

"Everything go okay?" Shiro asks as he emerges from the kitchen with the tea that took suspiciously long to make. Keith nods. "Good, here." Keith hesitates. "What? I made it the way you like it. Dark like your soul, meaning-"

'Thank you, Shiro.' Keith signs and Shiro's expression softens into a fond look.

"Anytime."

Keith wakes up gasping for breath, heartbeat racing.

"It's okay, buddy. It was just a nightmare. You're okay." Keith takes in a shaky breath and blinks, taking in his surroundings. He walks himself through the day before.

Yesterday was the anniversary, it started off the same as usual. He and Katie had a fight, Hunk came to sit with him and he had a breakdown in front of him. He got home from school at some point (he doesn't remember how he got there but that's not unusual for him, he has a lot of blank spots in his memory) and he had dinner with Shiro at home. They went stargazing and when they got home... Oh right, Katie came over. They worked through some stuff and she went home. Then he had tea and went to bed, which is where he is now.

"You with me, now kiddo?" Shiro asks, and Keith nods. Shiro sighs."Good, that's... Good. Do you remember what it was?"

Keith clears his throat. "I- I'm not sure." His voice is rough and a little croaky, but it's there. "But since it's right after..."

"It's probably about your dad." Shiro nods in understanding. Keith nods. "I guess it's to be expected. Having a nightmare on the anniversary of when your dad- went missing." Shiro agrees, not quite covering up his slip up.

"Shiro." Keith starts.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'm just so tired that I didn't catch myself qui-"

"Shiro." Keith interrupts, stunning Shiro. "Tha- that's not what I was t-trying to say." Keith tries to explain. Shiro wants to reassure Keith that he doesn't mind if he needs to sign his words, but he knows that's not what Keith needs right now.

"Okay, I'm listening." Shiro says.

"You... You don't need to tiptoe around it like that." Shiro starts to interject but Keith stops him, knowing he probably will only be able to get this out in one go. "I... I know that he's probably dead. I just-" Keith starts but breaks off, taking a moment to compose himself. Shiro squeezes his shoulder encouragingly. "I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I know it's stupid-"

"Keith. That is not stupid. You lost your only parent in a horrible way, clinging onto that hope is absolutely understandable. If it helps you, it's not stupid. Understood?" Shiro asks, leaving no room for argument. Keith nods, biting his lip. "You want a hug?"

"Not right now, sorry." Keith answers honestly.

"It's fine, that's why I asked." Shiro reassures him. "Do you want to go back to sleep or go ahead and get up?"

"What time is it?" Keith asks and Shiro hesitates.

"Eight. I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to wake you up. At least it's Saturday right?" Shiro asks nervously and Keith sighs.

"I guess one time can't hurt." He answers to Shiro's relief and starts to get ready for the day. Even if he can't go through the rest of his routine he can at least still go on his run. He finishes getting ready and starts to head out the door.

Only to find Lance caught getting ready to knock. They're wearing matching dear caught in the headlights looks that would be comical under other circumstances.

"Keith. Hi. What brings you here this fine morning?" Keith gives him his best 'do I look stupid?' look and Lance's face falls. "Right, you live here. Stupid question. But since I'm already here! Could I uh, could I talk to you for a sec?" Lance asks, clearly nervous. Keith sighs and gestures at the breezeway ledge. "Thanks." Lance sighs and they both sit on it. "So umm, that thing with the hot chocolate the other day was- not uh, not cool. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."

"Pidge already told me about the conversation with Hunk." Keith tells Lance.

"That's not- I'm trying to apologize!" Lance defends, but his face falls as he realizes what he just did. "And I just demonstrated exactly what the problem is. Ugh. I just- I don't mean to overreact, it's just-"

"You're used to people not taking you seriously?" Keith offers, surprising Lance.

"I- yeah, actually. How did you know?" Lance asks in mild disbelief and Keith shrugs.

"You're in a family with a lot of kids, your dad's abusive, Hunk and Katie-" Keith starts but stops when Lance snorts.

"Did you just call Pidge Katie?" Lance asks, laughing.

"Yeah... That's her name." Keith answers.

"If you say so Mullet." Lance responds and Keith sighs.

"Did you just come over to make fun of me?" Keith asks and Lance instantly sobers.

"No! I'm sorry, I really am. I'm just used to dealing with this kinda stuff with humor. And wit- nope. Uhh, what I'm trying to say is..." Lance trails off in frustration.

"You're sorry?" Keith offers.

"Yeah, and I know this is the world's worst apology but I promise I mean it. I just suck at communication." Lance tells him. "Do you... Do you want a hug?"

"Honestly..? I'm kinda hugged out right now." Keith answers him honestly, and to Keith's surprise, Lance respects his wishes. And is really struggling with it. Lance jumps up and starts pacing, evidently not able to sit still any longer. Honestly, I'm surprised he lasted this long. Keith is starting to get pretty antsy himself when Lance pulls out... A cube? "What is that?"

"Hmm?" Lance hums, concentration occupied with fiddling with the strange object. "Oh! This? It's a fidget cube. It helps me hold still sometimes. Wanna try it?" Keith takes it from Lance warily, looking it over. Tentatively he starts to play around with it, feeling a strange calm from it. "You see you just- oh. I guess you figured it out on your own."

Keith jerks into awareness, having forgotten Lance was there, suddenly he feels bad for taking it and starts to hand it back. "Here."

"Nah, you can keep it. It looks like it's helping." Lance waves him off but Keith isn't convinced.

"Lance, I can't take this from you-"

"Seriously Keith, it's fine. See?" Lance pulls another object out of his pocket. "I've got a whole bunch of them. You know what- actually you can keep that."

"What? No Lan-"

"Yes, Lance. Seriously Keith, the spinners always work better for me anyway and it's clearly helping you. Just- consider it my apology for earlier, please?" Lance asks him sincerely and Keith concedes. "Okay, I need to get home but I'll see you later?"

Keith surprises himself by getting and going up to Lance. Awkwardly he wraps his arms around him. "Thank you."

"No- no problem." Lance responds, stunned. It was possibly the most awkward hug he's ever had but he goes home beaming from ear to ear.

When Lance is gone Keith takes a deep breath and is about to go on his run when he pauses, looking over the fidget cube.

Maybe having friends I can count on will be a good thing.

Now that I'm gone
And standing on my own two feet
I still remember you fondly