Chapter Text
Your name is Dave Strider and you do not, in any way whatsoever, have a crush on your best friend’s cute cousin from that weird Pacific island you can’t pronounce.
Cute? Wait, no, you didn’t just think that. I mean yeah, when you first met her at Egbert’s 18th birthday party you could still hear her laughing even from three rooms away (but she was really loud). And yeah, maybe you noticed the way her ridiculously bright green eyes flashed behind her really dorky glasses, or how her hair bounced against her back when she walked, or the way her front teeth poked over her lips when she grinned, or her dark tanned skin scattered with freckles all over, especially on her cheeks and nose, and ahhh fuck you have a huge crush on her don’t you.
Well that’s just peachy. I mean the least you could have done was flirt with her a little, maybe ask for her chumhandle before she left again for fucking Jupiter, but no. Instead you just followed her around all evening at a suitably inconspicuous distance while clutching your drink and trying not to gawk like an idiot, and then spent the whole of the next day sulking and pining like a lovestruck Victorian countess in one of those shitty romance novels Karkat’s always giving you (read: violently throwing at your head with screeches of “QUALITY LITERATURE”). If you don’t watch out you’ll be singing ballads from the balcony and writing poetry soon. In fact, speaking of poetry, Rose messaged you earlier. Groaning, you grab your phone from your bedside table and open up pesterchum.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:23 --
TT: Good morning Dave.
TT: I say “morning” in only the loosest sense of the word, as it is currently well past midday.
TT: Either there has been a major temporal shift/new mid-April daylight savings scheme proposed since last night, or you truly are still asleep at 3 p.m.
TT: Or perhaps I am mistaken.
TT: Perhaps the atmosphere of your bedroom finally reached the perfect conditions, tepid and moist as it is, for life to evolve from the bacteria on your discarded dirty laundry. And evolve it did, into a hideous creature of towering stature, all teeth and claws and dripping with faintly green mucous.
TT: Maybe you awoke, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, at 7 a.m. precisely, only to be greeted by the horrific gaping maw of this literal embodiment of mold, and were so transfixed with horror that you simply could not reach for your phone to tearfully type out a last farewell to your beloved only sister.
TT: Or perhaps you stayed up all night fretting like a lovelorn maiden and now you are too sleep deprived to answer your goddamn phone.
TG: wow look just what i needed to start my day off well a wall of snarky purple horseshit
TT: Ah, hello Dave.
TT: I see you have deigned to grace me with your conversation yet again.
TG: yeah yeah i get it, anyone who gets up after 9 is a useless member of society yada yada
TG: ugh tl;dr lets see im also dirty, lazy, bright eyed and bushy tailed, or no apparently not, and a lovelorn maiden wait what
TT: Ah yes, that reminds me of the reason I wanted to talk to you today in the first place.
TT: I believe it’s time for us to have another discussion regarding your long-term romantic intentions.
TG: what
TG: oh fuck no
TG: you are not making me do that Kinsey shit again rose i swear to fucking god if i have to hear you say “phallic imagery” one more time im gonna flip my shit so far off the handle people in the next state over will be able to tell what i had for breakfast
TT: Ew.
TT: Gruesome and childish mixed metaphors aside, that is entirely not what I’m talking about.
TT: I gathered more than enough interesting data from our last tests to keep me busy psychoanalyzing for a very long time.
TG: damn straight
TT: If you say so.
TG: man i never should have let you bribe me into being your lab monkey you didnt even give me enough to buy two video games dude what a tight-ass
TG: wait what was that
TT: Moving on.
TT: The main reason I messaged you today was not to talk about “that Kinsey shit again,” but in fact to inquire about last night.
TT: To be specific, why you were shuffling around from room to room following Jade like a lost puppy and sporting an expression which can only be described as “doe-eyed.”
TG: wait she’s called jade?
TG: shit i mean what are you talking about
TG: and for fuck’s sake rose i was practicing my flashstep not shuffling
TT: And you just happened to be doing this in the exact same room as Jade for the entire evening?
TG: yes
TG: egberts house isnt the fucking winchester mystery house man there were only a few rooms
TG: its only statistically inevitable that id be in vaguely her vicinity for a lot of the time
TT: I see.
TT: And the doe eyes?
TG: stfu rose you couldnt see my eyes
TG: and anyway I cant help being naturally gifted with luscious eyelashes
TG: pupils deep as the fuckin marinara trench
TG: irises red as D3L1C1OUS C4NDY and all that
TT: Indeed.
TT: In fact, I believe at one point you actually lifted up your shades to get a better view of her through your magnificent pasta-sauce filled corneas.
TG: What
TG: oh fuuuuck
TG: there really is no point denying this is there youre just going to keep needling me until i spill
TT: You are entirely correct.
TG: fuck was i really that obvious
TT: I am afraid, Dave, that it would have been less conspicuous if you had worn a shirt that read, in 200pt block letters, “Looking For Very Hot and Very Tanned Green-Eyed Girlfriend, Preferably Whose Name Starts With ‘J’ and Ends With ‘ade’”.
TG: eughhhhhh
TG: please just kill me now
TG: bury me with all my shitty swords
TG: i leave all my videogames to egbert
TG: and all those romcoms karkat gave me to you
TT: How very generous of you.
TT: What should I have engraved on your tombstone?
TG: Here Lies Dave, Still a Fucking Virgin, May He Be Spared the Embarrassment in Death That Plagued Him in Life
TG: Also Jade Plz Give Me Your Number
TT: A beautiful and touching eulogy.
TT: Although might I ask, what would you do with Jade’s phone number on the astral plane?
TG: who the fuck knows
TG: probably call her from the other side
TG: try to initiate some kind of fucked up ghost-human romance
TG: hey jade wanna come to my place
TG: i know it has a damp problem but hey its a mausoleum whatd you expect
TG: or you can just say applejuice three times and ill teleport right into your living room in stripy action pajamas, ready to fuck shit up
TT: I hate to cut this touching romance short Dave, but before you spend the precious few hours you have left before going to sleep again finishing off this elaborate post-mortem DaveJade fanfiction, I must inform you that there is a far easier way to contact her than from beyond the veil.
TT: I have her chumhandle.
TG: wait what are you fucking kidding me
TG: how
TT: I actually talked to her for some time last night and we had a very interesting discussion on the philosophical and existential implications of cloning and advanced nuclear science.
TG: yeah yeah i get it you had long sloppy science makeouts get to the point
TT: She seemed very keen to keep in touch with all of John’s friends whom she met last night, so we exchanged chumhandles.
TG: is that it
TG: hang on why in the flying fuck didn’t she ask me for mine then
TT: Presumably because you were too busy ogling at her from a very precisely maintained distance of ten feet all evening?
TG: fair point.
TG: ok well the suspense is killing me here lalonde come on
TG: or do you want me to finish my fanfiction
TT: No, I believe it would be best for all parties involved if you didn’t. Ever.
TT: It’s gardenGnostic.
TT: But Dave.
TG: yeah?
TT: Please don’t message her right away. Give her a little bit of time for the memories of your maudlin stares lingering on the back of her neck to fade.
TG: geez lalonde i know
TG: ill wait a while i mean really my original plans for today included hanging around in my underwear and eating unspeakable amounts of cereal and that's probably not gonna change
TG: who am i kidding thats my plan every day
TG: maybe by like a weeks time ill have thought of a suitably lame excuse to talk to her
TG: “hey!! you remember me right i’m egberts friend you know the really creepy one with the shades who now just happens to have your chumhandle”
TG: “seriously im not a serial killer though hahaha whyd you block me”
TT: I’ll be sure to communicate to Jade how suave and sexy the gentleman is who is planning to woo her. Hopefully then she won’t block you immediately upon sight.
TG: for real
TG: make sure she prepares herself for the waves a sheer strider charisma coming
TG: the torrential rain of smooth pick up lines
TG: the blizzard of charm and sophistication
TT: The unrelenting hail of flattery and honeyed compliments?
TG: exactly
TG: see its ridiculous im not drowning in babes already
TG: ughhh I gotta go get some breakfast i havent eaten anything since that shitty pizza last night
TT: Alright Dave. I have to take my leave as well I'm afraid, I have a test to study for. I bid you farewell, and wish you luck on your future romantic endeavors.
TG: thanks rose
TG: see you
TT: Oh, and one more thing before I go.
TT: Jade is coming to live permanently with John soon and attend our college next semester.
TG: what?????
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
TG: rose what the FUCK
TG: rose you cant just drop a bombshell like that and then leave
TG: rose!!!
TG: youre probably giggling into your weird-ass cthulhu plushies right now arent you
TG: goddamn
TG: i hate you so much
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:56 --
EB: hahaha oh man you looked like a disney princess!
EB: http://youtu.be/Tl0DMTlwLw4?t=36s
TG: fuck off egbert
EB: hahahahahahahaha
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --