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There was something akin to discomfort under his skin. Today hadn’t been… great. Nothing had gone wrong, per se, but when Barry awoke, there had been a deeply unsettling ache in his chest that he didn’t want to be there. He knew what it was, of course. It was hard to be a scientist and go over ten years feeling something without even attempting to look it up.
Depersonalization. That’s what the books said. “Feeling like you’re looking through a window into your life. Your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are alien. You experience them through a dreamlike distance.”
There were tips to help, of course. The issue was that by the time Barry had half the mind to realize he was experiencing depersonalization, he couldn’t remember what those tips were.
Lup sat across from him at the dinner table, a hand gripped on her fork, unmoving, pasta still wrapped halfway around the utensil. She looked like she had zoned off. Taako and Kravitz were awkwardly trying to keep the conversation going without Lup or Barry joining in. A thought crossed his path- the thought that he should, maybe, try to join them. Try to eat. Try to move the hands in front of him and eat what should have been mouth-watering pasta.
Barry hadn’t eaten most of the day, he should be hungry.
But what is hungry, anyway? The buzz below his skin was humming. It felt familiar. It felt familiar because Barry had spent just about a decade going back and forth between this and sensory overload. The more he died and went back into his lich form, the more it was easier to sink into the feeling of not feeling. Liches didn’t need to breathe, they didn’t need to eat, they couldn’t touch anything or get thirsty or-
When Barry blinked back to the room, there were two people missing. Lup had abandoned her seat. Barry saw Taako closing the dining-room door. He felt his throat close up for a second, a flash of panic rising in his throat.
Where was Lup? Where’d she go? Back soon? Didn’t she say she’d be back soon, he just had to keep going, he just had to keep looking-
“Barry?” A cold hand touched his arm. Barry could barely feel it through the waves of anxiety crashing down on him. “Can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me.”
Barry let the head go up and down in one small jerk. That’s confirmation, right? That’s a nod?
“Good,” the voice said. Kravitz part of him whispered. There was no way to tell if that thought was his, but he did see Kravitz’s lips moving now, so bless whatever God sent it his way.
“Listen to my voice,” Kravitz said. “I’m going to tell you about what I did today. When I woke up- well, woke up is subjective because reapers don’t need sleep, but-”
And slowly, through the soft story Kravitz weaved, his emotions were trickling back in. The hands in front of him, the head on his shoulders- those were his. The thoughts that came were his own, no one else’s. It wasn’t a dream, he didn’t have to hide away from feelings, he wasn’t back in that godforsaken cave. He was here, with Kravitz, in the dining room.
“I fucked up,” Barry said, voice rough from disuse. With a start, he realized that he might not have spoken all day. Not to Taako, not to Kravitz, not to Lup-
“Are you feeling more… you, though?” Kravitz asked.
“More me? I- uhm. Yeah. I think. Less out of it.”
“That’s good,” Kravitz said. “Taako is with Lup. She, uh, she looked a bit rough too. Did something happen?”
“Not that I know of,” Barry said, slowly. Trying to remember his day made his brain hurt. There was static threatening the edges of his mind and he pushed it away. “I just woke up, um… bad. Feeling bad. Like depersonalization? You know what that is?”
“I know,” Kravitz said, lips quirked up a bit. “I can’t have been in this line of work for this long and not known what it is. It just started when you woke up?”
“Yeah,” Barry said, trying his hardest to recall the morning. “I- I, uh, found Lup in the bathroom, I think. I- I don’t know? I think she was upset and I was already feeling off and she asked if- um.”
And the memories were coming back now. Groggily making his way to the bathroom, towards the noise, and seeing Lup on the verge of panic, gripping the sink counter so hard it might have split in two. She had been staring at herself, eyes wide, hair still fuzzy and wild from sleep.
“Are we real?” She had asked. “Is any of this real? Are you- are-” and then Barry couldn’t remember much more. He recounted this much to Kravitz.
“I- I just wanna help her,” Barry said, voice wobbly. “I know she deals with- with shit. I mean, we all do, but I love her so much, I just want to help.”
“But you couldn’t today,” Kravitz said.
“But I couldn’t today,” Barry said, voice breaking. “I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. I swear I’m alive, I- I- Kravitz, for 10 years, I could not give in to my emotions. You have to understand this. If I thought too much about my sadness or my panic or about Lup being gone, I’d- I’d lose myself in my lich form. I wouldn’t be stable anymore, because she was one of the only things grounding me.
“And now that I’m alive? Permanently? That’s fucked, Krav. That’s so fucked. I don’t want to let myself have emotions so I detach but I can’t detach because Lup needs me and-”
“Lup needs help,” Kravitz cut in, gentle but firm. “Professional help. So do you. There are therapists in the astral plane for Reapers- I’ve asked the Queen if Taako is allowed to make an appointment, but you, as a Reaper, are absolutely allowed and encouraged to seek out help.”
“I don’t want to be a bother,” Barry said, suddenly self-conscious. Good job blurting out your entire mental health issues to your brother-in-law’s boyfriend, bud. Good job crying in front of your brother-in-law's boyfriend, bud.
“You are not a bother, Barry,” Kravitz said. “You are probably suffering from a suitcase full of mental illnesses. That does not make you a bad person.”
--
Lup woke up at five in the morning and couldn’t go back to bed. The sheets against the bed were suffocating her, grabbing at her, pulling her down. She was hyper-aware of every little thing she touched and heard. When she opened the door to the bathroom, it squeaked so loud her ears might bleed.
It doesn’t matter. She had dealt with this before.
Derealization was one hell of a thing. There was this sense of just being an observer, just being along for the ride. She could feel herself, every moment of herself, every pump of her heart. But she couldn’t process anything outside that. The bed wasn’t made of velvet but it felt awfully like it against her skin. The bathroom counter had never been velvet but underneath her hands, but it felt like it now. She didn’t know how long she stood there, staring.
She heard Barry get up from bed and make his way to the bathroom. She heard the squeak of the door. She didn’t turn to look at him, but saw his reflection in the mirror, and words began to spill out of her mouth before she could help it.
Barry left, stumbling back like he was about to faint. Lup wanted to scream for him to come back. She didn’t want to be alone! She couldn’t be alone right now, she was stuck in this stupid umbrella and it wasn’t fair that she was alone. She meant to come back, please just come back, she needs someone to let her out, she’s all alone-
“Lup,” Taako’s voice cut through her thoughts. She startled, heart leaping at the sound. “Tell me five things you can see.”
“I don’t need to,” Lup said defensively, but Taako’s grasp on her knee was starting to feel fuzzy, so she said out loud, “um. Couch. You. Floor. Um, the pillows. And the door.”
“Four things you can feel.”
“Velvet,” Lup croaked out and Taako took her hand in his.
“Four things you can feel,” he repeated.
“Your hands,” Lup said, shaking. “Uh, uh, my clothes. The couch. And, um. My socks?”
“Good,” Taako said. “Three things you can hear.”
“Your voice,” Lup said, because she could hear, this was one she was okay with. “Your foot tapping. And- and the couch creaking.”
“Two things you can smell.”
“Pasta,” she said, because it was still on his breath. “And your deodorant.”
“Last one,” he said, squeezing her hands. “One thing you can taste.”
Taste? And her mouth replied, “the pasta,” before she had even thought of it.
“Good,” Taako said. The room was coming more into focus. The couch felt more like a couch than umbrella walls. Taako’s hands against hers were unlike anything she had had during those ten years alone.
“What’s going on?” Taako asked. “Did something happen?”
“No, I just-” Lup began, and then shut her mouth for a second. “Um, yes, actually. I had a- a dream. About the umbrella. But I didn’t want to wake Barry, so I just went to the bathroom, and I think I scared him, but I just- Wait, fuck, where’s Barry? Is he okay?”
“He’s chill, Lup,” Taako said. “Kravitz is with him. So you scared him?”
“I didn’t mean to,” Lup said. “I- I had a moment.”
“A moment,” Taako prompted.
“I just- Taako… for ten years, all I pretty much had was my emotions. It took me ages to gain control over my physical senses again. Like- like- that count down thing we just did? That wouldn’t have helped. All I had was feelings and if I stopped feeling, then I might have faded away or something. But Taako, I- I can’t let go of the emotions now. It’s like I’m stuck there! I don’t want to be stuck, I want to be back here, with you, and Barry, and everyone else.”
“I know,” Taako said, but Lup barreled on.
“But you had your senses!” Lup said. “You can’t understand! I couldn’t stop thinking or I’d die and never come back. I couldn’t just- I couldn’t- I don’t want to be stuck, Taako, I just want to be here!”
Tears threatened at the corner of her eyes. She blinked them back, throat tight.
“I want to help you,” Taako said, more sincere than she had seen him in months. She was acutely aware of the grimace on his face and prepared herself for whatever she was about to hear. “But I- I can’t do this all alone, Lup. You need a professional. Fuck, we all need professionals, but you can’t just bottle it up and break down. I- I need you to get help for me. For Barry.”
“I- I can’t-”
“You’re not some fucked up mess, Lup,” Taako said, voice cracking. “You’re not supposed to be perfect, either. We all need help. We’re all living beings with beating hearts.”
“Multidimensional,” Lup said quietly.
“Multidimensional,” Taako repeated with a faint laugh. “And you know what that means? It means that there are sides of you that you can’t reach or see. Sides that you might need help figuring out. I- I think therapy might help.”
“Therapy?” Lup balked. “Like, talking to people I don’t know therapy?”
“Stupid, I know,” Taako said and Lup snorted. “But, actually. Seriously, I mean. Krav has been trying to get me to go for months and I finally agreed. Either we’re both gonna do it, or your just gonna have to admit that I’m better than you.”
There was a part of Lup that ached to say “but you are”. Instead, she clamped her mouth shut. There were so many ways to argue about this, to defend herself, because obviously she didn’t need that help. But then she remembered Barry’s face this morning. How panicked he was upon hearing her questions. And she never wanted Barry to panic because her, if she could help it.
“Fine,” Lup said, voice all jokes and laughter. She knew Taako could see right through her. “But I’m better than you, still.”
“Eh, we’ll see.”
--
When Barry stepped out of the office, Lup was waiting on the couch with a pack of Fantasy Cheez It’s from the vending machine. She got up as he turned to say goodbye to Bobbi Smyth, the tiefling therapist that Barry had been seeing for the past few months.
“You’re doing great, Barry,” Bobbi said. “Remember what we talked about, alright?”
“I will,” Barry said. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” Bobbi said. “See you next week.”
Lup linked her hand with his when Bobbi shut the door. She had Cheez-It breath when she kissed him.
“Any new hot goss from Bobbi this week, babe?” Lup asked.
“Nothing that you don’t already know about,” Barry said. “I didn’t have a lot to talk about, actually? Besides like- apocalypse junk.”
“Apocalypse junk is always important to share,” Lup said, nodding. “You wanna get some Fantasy Olive Garden before heading home? I don’t feel like cooking shit.”
“I’m down for that,” Barry said. “How’d your appointment with Ann go?”
“Just apocalypse junk,” Lup said, making him laugh. “But she helped me sort out some new coping methods because the last one didn’t help much.”
“I’m glad,” Barry said. “I’m here if you need my help, okay?”
“I know,” Lup said. They shared another kiss- one Taako would have gagged at if he was around- and then Lup cut a rift directly into the Olive Garden entrance. Barry could already see people gawking as they stepped through. “I’m here for you, too, babe.”