Archive of Our Own

Patrick shut the door to Rachel’s room and leaned against the side of the Motel. It had cooled off thankfully and the air rushed at him after feeling like he was suffocating for the last two hours. He just needed a second then he could get in the car and go back to Ray’s. He groaned. Ray would be up. Wanting to chat. And he couldn't. Breathe. He told himself. Maybe go for a drive. Clear your head. He put his head between his knees.

‘You need carrying to your car? Because we charge extra.’ Stevie’s voice made him jump.

‘Right.’ He said ‘I’m going don’t worry I won’t...whatever.

Stevie half regretted the half attempt at wit. Patrick looked rattled. Actually, he looked exhausted.

Patrick pushed himself off the wall, ‘I should…’

‘He wouldn’t speak to me either, so I currently know nothing. I’m neutral. Like Switzerland.’ she said. ‘If Switzerland had a stash of the beer Mr Rose bought in the back office.’

She jerked her head. He hesitated.

‘Ok so not totally neutral but I have beer.’ Patrick shrugged. Talking to Stevie was probably better than talking to Ray, or sitting in his car for hours until Ray went to bed. Plus a beer wouldn’t hurt any of this.

He followed Stevie into the office and she flicked on the light, waving in the general direction of the couch. He sat, and felt the weight of exhaustion on him. How did a day that started so well end up like this?

Stevie retrieved the beer and handed him one. He downed more of it than he was proud of in one drink. Then sat steadily working on the rest. He caught Stevie looking at him.

‘I’m not judging.’ she said. ‘I’d be downing whiskey at the same rate if I’d had the evening you had.’

He finished the beer and took the other one she offered. Drinking at a normal pace now. ‘You mean you don’t hate me?’

She shook her head. ‘Let me see if I’ve piece this together right, then we’ll decide? deal?’

He nodded, taking a swig of beer.

‘You broke up with...Rachel?’ he nodded, ‘For the, it doesn’t matter how many-th time. You broke up. You moved here. You were here what...four, five months before you met David?’ he nodded again, ‘Then what, another three four, before you idiots got it together enough to go on a date?’ he smiled a tiny bit in spite of himself. ‘And it’s been four months since then.’ he nodded ‘So even at my conservative estimate, and the fact I don’t do math, it’s been what 10 months since you split up with Rachel?’

Patrick blinked. It really had been that long. ‘More like a year’ he said now he realised it.

‘Ok then.’ Stevie said. ‘So you weren’t cheating on anyone. From my point of view you weren’t cheating on anyone while you were with my friend. So no, I don’t hate you.’

Patrick nodded.

‘Do I think there’s some things you maybe need to address here…’

‘I know.’ he said, realising how sore his voice was. There had been a lot of talking, and a bit of yelling for which he wasn’t proud, with Rachel.

‘Is she...ok?’ Stevie asked ‘I ask this more in a professional capacity of ‘is she going to trash my Motel in revenge for a bad boyfriend.’ she swallowed ‘Shit I didn’t mean.’

He waved at hand at her. ‘It’s fine.’ he sighed ‘No she’s fine. She’s...a nice person. She just, understandably isn’t my biggest fan right now.’

‘She seemed sweet. I mean far far too sweet a person that I would be friends with but still.’ Stevie hesitated. But Patrick caught the look on her face.

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’ Stevie said ‘I should stay Switzerland.’ She took a swig of beer.

Patrick fixed her with a look that was part sweet, part demanding. ‘Damn.’ she said ‘I can see why you get David to do what you want.’

Patrick laughed. Actually laughed.

‘More than most people.’ she said.

‘Except you.’

‘I just make him think it's a good idea.’ she said ‘But I don’t have those puppy dog eyes, or my rolled up shirt sleeves to distract him into what i want.’ Stevie raised an eyebrow at Patrick. Who couldn’t help it, he smirked.

‘I plead the fifth on those charges’ he said. Then his face grew serious again. ‘Stevie.’

‘Fine. Fine.’ Stevie sighed. ‘When she was in here with Alexis, who was wittering on about some text that Ted sent her or whatever, anyway, Rachel said she did the same thing.’

‘You’re gonna have to back up a bit Stevie.’

‘Ugh. I’m not explaining it. I don’t do girly relationship shit.’ she took a sip of beer ‘Ted had texted Alexis something about a bagel. And she said it was a thing people do, when they want to get the other person’s attention- text something random, so they’d have to reply, then you get into it with them, and then you’re talking again and then ‘boom’ I don’t know you’re naked on a rug or whatever’ she took another drink. ‘And then she said that’s what she’d been doing with her finance...and she was in town to get him back.’

Patrick’s eyes went wide with realisation. He took a long swig of beer. ‘Oh.’ he said.

‘From that ‘oh’ can I take it you don’t do girly relationship shit either?’

‘Nope.’ Patrick said. ‘Fuck I’ve been an idiot.’

‘Is it true then?’ Stevie looked at him, he looked genuinely shaken.

‘Yeah.’ he said. ‘I mean we’ve spoken, but sporadically and always from her first- it seemed cruel to just stop speaking-I’ve known her my whole life, and I’m not a rude guy you know?’ he shrugged, it had seemed polite. ‘And it sorta fizzled out, and I was glad, you know of the distance. And then four months ago- fuck it’s like she knew she started texting.’

‘And you didn’t think to stop?’

‘It seemed so innocent.’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Either it was an ‘hey how are you’ or…’

‘Bagels’

‘Exactly.’

‘Did she talk about...you know, you and her.’

‘A bit. But I shut it down. I really did Stevie. You have to, believe me, I would never want to do anything to endanger this thing with David but I was scared of hurting her.’

‘I think you did anyway.’ Stevie didn’t mean it unkindly. But Switzerland was seeing both sides now, or all three sides as it was. She reached over and patted Patrick on the back. ‘You’re an infuriatingly good man Patrick.’ she said ‘Which is infuriatingly why you’ve managed to hurt two people in one night.’

‘It was going so well!’ he said hanging his head ‘David’s Mom and I chatted today, she likes me- and I admit I was mildly terrified of her-’

‘Oh we all are.’ Stevie said ‘But she’s actually just fiercely protective. She just doesn't like the world knowing she has the maternal gene. Or compassion. Or humanity. Or humility.’

Patrick smiled. ‘Apple didn’t fall far from that tree.’

‘No it did not.’ He sat back against the couch, which was softer than it looked, and closed his eyes. ‘Have I fucked it up?’ he asked. ‘Honestly?’

Stevie flopped back. ‘Four months ago I would have said yes.’ she said and heard Patrick sigh. ‘But he’s...different with you. If anyone has a shot, it’s you.’

Not a yes, and not a no. But he’d take it. He was determined.

‘And it’s done with Rachel now right?’ Stevie added.

‘So very done. In the ‘I never want to see your face again’ sense.’ he ran a hand over his face. Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes. Stevie caught it. This wasn’t about Rachel she guessed.

‘Patrick?’

He wiped furiously at his eyes. ‘I just wasn’t ...ready.’ he said.

‘Ah.’ she replied.

‘She, um, she kept saying to me ‘just say it, Patrick, I need you to say it.’ and I couldn’t, because, well I don’t know if I...I mean...if I’m...David is the only…’ he sighed he couldn’t get it out without saying the words.

Stevie folded her legs under her on the sofa. ‘When David and I...you know’ she gestured vaguely ‘Don’t make me say it.’

‘Oh, I won’t. None of us needs that visual.’ Patrick said ‘I mean, no offence.’

‘No, I’m with you.’ Stevie clinked her beer on his with a smile, and actually got a tiny one in return. ‘I do not need to relive that.’ She took a drink. ‘Anyway, up until one very stoned and drunken mistake’

Patrick raised an eyebrow, he’d never actually heard the story.

‘Oh yes, very stoned. Very drunk. And I feel the need to make this clear, he kissed me’ she said with a smile.

‘He’s good at that.’ Patrick said. ‘I mean taking the lead. I mean’ he was blushing now ‘Carry on.’

Stevie smiled, Patrick wasn’t wrong on any count there but his embarrassment was endearing. ‘So up until then I had always assumed he was...well’ as it seemed they weren’t saying it out loud tonight.

‘Right.’ Patrick said. ‘I assume most people do.’

‘Thank you!’ Stevie said. ‘Honestly, I felt like I was being some kind of sweeping generalization asshole, it’s a vibe right?’

‘Oh it’s a vibe alright’ Patrick said wryly.

‘Anyway.’ Stevie continued, remembering she had a point. ‘I was confused, once I sobered up. So I asked him. While we were in the general store actually, when it was still a general store.’

She caught Patrick smiling again and felt warmed.

‘I told him that I was a red wine drinker, that I only drink red wine, and until the night before, I assumed he only drank red wine.’

She waited for it to sink in, Patrick raised an eyebrow to show he was with her.

‘And he said, sometimes he drinks red wine, sometimes he drinks white wine...and then there was a whole complicated thing about rose, and chardonnays that used to be something else…’

Patrick smiled at that ‘I imagine it’s gotten really complicated in the past. From what I hear.’

‘You’re lucky he’s probably still giving you the edited versions’ Stevie smiled. ‘The point is, it doesn’t matter whether you like red wine or white wine, or both. But also’ she considered how to say this tactfully, ‘Nobody is allowed to make you pick one or the other unless it’s their wine they’re offering. And just because you drank someone’s wine before doesn’t mean you have to again...or you always have to like their kind of wine and...I don’t know.’

Patrick nodded. ‘What if I don’t know what wine I like?’ he paused, and Stevie didn’t answer, waiting for him. ‘Or what if, I spent my whole life thinking I liked one kind of wine, and then I tried another, and I really liked it. Before I didn’t really like wine, I just drank it because that’s what grown ups did, to be polite. But then I tried a different kind of wine and I suddenly understood what everyone was talking about, and I just love it so much. But I spent so long telling people that wasn’t the wine I liked. I'm worried what they’ll think if I change my mind.’ he looked at her sideways.

Stevie thought for a moment. ‘I think once you find a wine you really really like, then you just keep drinking that wine and fuck what anyone else thinks.’

Patrick smiled. ‘It is a really good wine.’

‘It really is. Though I hate to admit it.’ She smiled. ‘You’ll be ok. I’ve got a good feeling about you two.’

Patrick half-smiled. ‘I hope you’re right.’

‘You ok to drive?’ she asked ‘I’d offer you a room, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say here is not where you want to be waking up tomorrow.’

Patrick nodded. ‘Yeah I’m fine. Especially as Mr Rose bought...he checked the label, 0.5% beer...that’s basically water.’ probably for the best, a hangover would not add to his day tomorrow.

She got up with him and walked him outside. Patrick half waved and walked towards his car, feeling an aching sense of sadness at walking away from the Motel like this. He sat in the car and couldn’t help but remember that first night when everything had changed. Stevie knocked on his window and made him jump. He rolled down the window.

‘I told him I liked this for him.’ she said ‘I still do.’ she smiled and walked away towards her car.

Patrick looked over at David’s room where a faint light was coming through the curtains. He hoped David still did too.

Finally, at midnight David opened the door and let Alexis in. He’d expected her to bitch at him for keeping her locked in with their parents for hours. Instead, she came straight to his bed and got in next to him. Downton Abbey was still playing on his laptop, but he was curled up under the covers now- having thrown himself there after unlocking the door. She scooted her way under the covers and stole some of the remains of the giant cookie still littering his bed.

‘Get away from me’ he said not even half-heartedly.

‘This episode isn’t as good as the Christmas they killed Matthew.’ Alexis said gesturing at the scene.

‘You are a twisted human’ he said. ‘Matthew was the love of Lady Mary’s life and his death is a tragedy.’

‘Hmm, was he, or was he a plot point that allowed her to flourish and grow and then find the right person later on.’

‘Is someone Lady Mary in this analogy?’

‘Well she does marry the super hot racing driver man.’ she ate some more cookie ‘But also he’s super loaded too so that is not you.’

He huffed at her, but didn’t make an effort to eject her from his bed, so she snuggled in a bit more. ‘Look I’m just saying, it looked clear that Mary and Matthew were going to be married and have all the little Downton children or whatever...but it turned out he was just a plot point on the way to something better.’

David huffed again.

‘God David it’s your show I’m just doing the best with what I’ve got.’ she paused, ‘Also I have it on good authority that Matthew is no good in bed so she didn’t miss much.’

David snorted. ‘Well I bet he was no Mr Pamouk no.’

Alexis reached over and hugged him.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Shhh David. You need a hug.’

‘I do not need a-’ she squeezed him a bit burying her head into him, he sighed. He kind of did need it. He reached his arms up and hugged her back. When she was done she pulled herself upright and dragged him up too.

‘Now listen.’ she flicked her hair. ‘I’m going to tell you some important information. For you to like, do with what you will.’

He frowned, ‘What?’

‘So the reason I was with Rac-that girl’ she rolled her eyes ‘Is that earlier I was telling Stevie that Ted texted me about bagels’

‘What?’

‘Like a ‘hey get some bagels’ text’

‘Oh so like a fake-text-you-by-mistake’ David said with a shrug

‘Right?! Thank you. Ok so this is why I needed you not Stevie. Anyway Rach-that girl was there too. And she totally got it. And, ok so this is the important thing.’ Alexis fixed him with a serious look ‘She said she did it to her fiance. And that she was here to win him back.’

She watched the pieces fall into place in David’s brain. ‘So she was…’

‘Mmmhmm.’

‘Not him.’

‘Right.’ Alexis looked triumphant ‘So it’s all fine! You can run off to him and say it’s ok! It’s just some crazy ex chasing his little button self.’

David smiled sadly, Alexis was so sure it was that easy.

‘What?’ she said ‘it’s all fixed right?!’

He shook his head. Then shrugged. ‘He didn’t tell me about her.’ he sighed ‘And I am nobody’s first choice.’

‘Well you were his first choice of guys’ Alexis said.

‘Thanks.’ he said bitterly, shifting trying to find a bit of space. But she refused to budge.

‘No I mean.’ she huffed sitting up a bit poking him until he looked at her. ‘He spent what until he was like, 30 in the closet, he nearly married a girl to stay there, but then for you...he took that leap.’

David frowned and didn’t say anything.

‘David not everyone is like you all confident and ‘fuck you I’ll do what I want’ clearly Patrick struggled with this.’

He hadn’t actually cried until right then. He’d been angry, he’d hurt, he’d sulked, he’d shame-eaten. But he hadn’t cried. But his face crumpled and he covered it with his hands.

‘David’ Alexis said softly, ‘What?’

He couldn’t answer so she gently petted his hair twirling it in her fingers like she did when they were little, trying to get it to curl back to its natural state. After a minute or so he wiped at his nose and looked over at her. She stopped. ‘What?’ she said again.

He pulled himself upright, so he was looking down at her. ‘He told me I made him feel ‘right’’ he said the words catching in his throat as he remembered ‘That nothing else before had been right, and I made him feel that.’

Alexis looked up at her big brother. Who yes, she often mocked. But who also had been both big brother and parent to her at times she needed it. She’d seen him hurt before by people, seem him pine after people. She’d never seen him look like this.

‘You need each other.’ she said.

David frowned. ‘What?’

‘That’s it.’ she said triumphantly ‘You need each other.’

He sighed. ‘He’s seen how damaged I am, he’s got an ex fiance, it’s over before it’s...anything.’

Alexis smiled, shaking her head. ‘I don’t think so.’ she said. ‘You aren’t giving up.’

‘What?’ he said again.

‘God David get your hearing checked.’ she huffed sitting up. ‘You aren’t running away from this. You’re hurt. But you aren’t running away.’

‘In case you hadn’t noticed I'm usually the one being run away from so that’s not news.’ He folded his arms.

‘You got him to bring you dinner before he left. And he did.’ Alexis was grinning now. ‘Neither of you are out.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ David leaned over and took another piece of cookie. ‘This is me, it’s doomed.’

‘Mmmmm’ Alexis said ruffling his hair and getting up. ‘You’ll see.’

‘Ugh’ David said, batting her off. ‘You think?’ he said serious again. She nodded, then settled down again.

‘Start this episode over.’

‘Get your own laptop out.’

‘Dav-id’

He sighed. ‘Ok fine.’ he started the episode again and Alexis handed him the cookie.

‘Just like Lady Mary you’ll get a happy ending.’ she said. ‘And the outfit to go with it.’

Several days which felt like a lifetime later Patrick was grinning from ear to ear while his boyfriend- he was pretty confident in putting that label on it now- lip-synced to Tina Turner in their store.

‘You know people can see you?’ he asked before laughing. It was at once the most ridiculous and the most charming thing he had ever seen.

David collapsed at his feet out of breath but smiling. Patrick was too, for the first time in what felt like forever. David sat back on his heels and looked at him, and Patrick folded his arms, narrowing his eyes.

‘Well it’s a start.’ he said.

For a second David looked like he believed him. That he somehow was serious. But then Patrick couldn’t keep the grin off his face.

But David had already accepted the challenge. He quirked an eyebrow and leaned forward again, planting his hands either side of Patrick’s thighs on the chair. He leaned in slowly, not breaking eye contact and kissed Patrick. Slowly at first, though the lack of contact for days made it feel electric from the first touch of his lips. Patrick moved to grab and something- David’s waist, head anything, but felt his arms pinned down and as he deepened the kiss felt David’s grin of satisfaction. Again it might have been several days without being able to touch and- on Patrick’s part at least- thinking of little else- but the kiss felt like nothing else. And they in the short time they’d been together had done a lot of kissing. But the second David’s full soft lips touched his this felt like something else. He wasted no time in parting Patrick’s lips with his tongue, not that Patrick was keen to resist. He felt himself straining upwards at David, who pulled back just enough to tease him, before dipping his head again. Even as he held Patrick’s hands down he somehow expertly controlled the kiss at the same time. His tongue ran over Patrick’s lips and back inside his mouth. Patrick groaned inadvertently and felt David hum in return. He pulled back again, nipping at Patrick’s lips. Then suddenly he slowed right down, his lips gently brushing Patrick’s, still working their tongues together, but taking his time now. It was still deeply passionate, and Patrick sensed the same yearning for touch in David as he kissed him once more long and slow, but there was something else, as he eased off a touch and planted a series of soft, lingering kisses on Patrick’s lips. Still he was nearly as out of breath as David had been after his dance, and his head was spinning as if he’d done it too.

David finally pulled back. He’d got totally lost in Patrick for a second. He’d almost forgotten it. He didn't seem to have words for anything today. But as he pulled back and looked at Patrick he knew he’d got it. It had felt like a mixture of remarking territory and an apology. They were in a strange place, but he hoped not a bad one. He stood and looked Patrick up and down for a second, he was out of breath and his jeans looked very tight suddenly. David was thankful for the decision to wear soft pants, but as he was still sweaty from his exertions, not for the pleather sweater. He quirked an eyebrow down to Patrick’s crotch. ‘People can see you you know.’ he said and spun on his heel towards the back room.

‘Where are you- you can’t-are you just.’ Patrick was flustered. Not least at a half-finished job of sorts. ‘You’re an idiot!’ he shouted after David ‘I’ve missed you.’ he said quieter.

‘What?’ David said, having genuinely not heard. He re-emerged with an open bottle of Prosecco in his hand.

‘What’s that?’ Patrick asked.

‘I erm, may have downed some of it in order to do...that.’ he gestured with the bottle but added a little twirl as he made his way back to Patrick. ‘What did you say?’

Patrick smiled. ‘I said you’re an idiot.’ a beat ‘And I’ve missed you.’

David’s mouth did the thing where he was trying not to grin and failing. ‘It’s been like four days.’ he said, taking a swig of the wine, standing in front of Patrick’s chair.

Patrick smiled, ‘I’ve missed you.’

He rolled his eyes ‘Well give it some time and you’ll be begging for a four-day break. Or more.’ he swigged from the wine again, feeling suddenly exposed and awkward again.

Patrick stood up, David had been standing over him so closely they were millimetres from touching now. He reached for David’s waist instinctively, ‘Don’t. Don’t do that.’ He said.

‘What?’ David said with a slight pout and fidget with the wine bottle. Patrick took it out of his hand and put it on the counter. Taking David’s hand and intertwining their fingers.

‘David. I won’t want a break.’ he said

‘You say that now…’

Patrick squeezed at David’s fingers. ‘I’m going to keep saying it.’

David was looking ahead over Patrick’s head not making eye contact. He didn’t want to push it. So he stood on his tip toes and kissed David’s cheek gently. He made a slight hum as he did it and dipped his head a bit. Patrick felt him relax a bit.

‘Ok I guess I owe you that dinner now.’ David said ‘Come on.’ he went to move away and Patrick pulled him back.

‘I’ve got a better idea’ he said with a smile.

David frowned at him. ‘I know we joke, but people really can see in through those windows.’

Patrick frowned. ‘No. Not that.’ he lowered his voice a bit ‘Not yet anyway.’ he grabbed the wine again ‘I don’t want to share you with anyone else tonight, not now I’ve finally got you again. So…’ he took a drink from the wine. ‘Dinner here?’

David looked at him blankly.

‘We’re in a store.’ Patrick said, ‘We have cheese, and wine.’ he gestured with the bottle, ‘And vegetables, though I don’t think I’m going to make a salad.’

‘We can’t make dinner out of what we have here.’ David frowned.

‘Oh watch me.’ Patrick said. ‘Get a blanket. Put it down in the back room.’ a beat ‘Well people can see us out here you know.’ he said with a wicked grin that made David think maybe cheese wasn’t all Patrick had on his mind.

It didn’t take long for Patrick to round up enough for, if not dinner, then a passable snack. They had bread and several varieties of cheese. A strange hummus dip that Patrick didn’t quite understand but David raved about. Some kind of rustic fancy potato chips from a local farmer, and two kinds of cake. And more wine.

David spread out the rug in the back room, smiling to himself. It had gone well. Patrick was back to smiling at him and making jokes - filthy jokes too. He couldn’t quite believe what he’d done. But it had felt...weirdly liberating if a little exposing. He was suddenly aware of how warm he was. He fanned himself and wiped at his face just as Patrick came into the back room.

‘You look …’ he made a slight face. ‘Well, there’s no polite way to say sweaty.’

‘It’s just a little warm in here tonight.’ David said fanning at himself.

‘You know if you hadn’t chosen to do that in a pleather jumper…’

David frowned ‘Where did you learn the word ‘pleather’’ a beat ‘Also this is Gucci’

‘I pay attention.’ Patrick laid out the last of the food ‘Anyway take it off you’re making me hot just looking at you.’

‘Making you hot or making you hot.’ David raised an eyebrow.

‘Yes sweaty and panting is really attractive…’ as the words left Patrick’s mouth he regretted them, get a grip he thought, you’ve behaving like a teenager.

David had the decency to raise an eyebrow, but also was clearly unbearably hot because he decided to forego fashion in favour of comfort and ripped of the sweater, throwing it like it was on fire onto the floor, half lifting his t-shirt up with it. As he did he caught Patrick’s eyes going wide. He swallowed and stood, open bottle of prosecco in hand, he took a swig.

‘Everything ok?’ David asked.

‘Um. Yeah.’ Patrick swallowed, taking in the fact that David happened to have put on a very tight t shirt under that sweater, and one with a very low V-neck.

He caught Patrick looking. ‘Ugh I know. Just ignore this’ he gestured ‘Going away left me with no clean shirts of any standards and I wasn’t exactly anticipating wearing this in public.’ he held out his hand for the wine.

Patrick was still staring.

‘Patrick?’

‘Uh. Yeah.’ he shook his head and handed the wine over. Even though he now knew what David looked like under his giant sweaters, it was still very much a pleasant reminder. And something about what he now also realised were some very short sleeves exposing most of his upper arms, as well as the v neck exposing his chest, and the dark hair there...it was a lot.

‘It’s been four days David. And that is a tight shirt.’

David’s eyebrows shot up. It still took him by surprise that Patrick was so...into him. While he’d never had trouble getting people interested, he’d never truly felt like they were into him like Patrick was. Sometimes he could feel his eyes undressing him across the store without even turning around. It was cliche as hell to also say that Patrick seemed to be into even the bits of him he was never that confident about. He was never the most muscular, which mattered to more men than it should- and women as well. He was long-limbed and awkward and he felt like there was just too much of him somehow in every sense. Patrick took a step towards him and instead of wrapping his arms around his waist like he usually would he ran both hands up David’s chest to where the V of his shirt started. Flicking his eyes upwards for just a second, he ran his hands up to David’s collarbone his thumbs tracing the edge of the shirt, and David realised with a shiver, the hair there. Patrick looked at him again and bit his lip, almost involuntarily it seemed because he blushed right after.

‘Really?’ David said not having to finish the question.

Patrick blushed a little deeper and shrugged. Suddenly feeling embarrassed at himself. He ran his hands back down the way they’d come and rested in more familiar territory on David’s hip. ‘Come on, this picnic dinner isn’t going to eat itself.’ he turned away, best to make a subject change and not dwell on that admission he’d made.

He felt David grab his left arm, just under his elbow as he turned and hold him still, so he turned back. David reached for his other arm, in the same place. He paused for a second as Patrick frowned at him, and just long enough that he had his attention. Then he ran his hands up and down Patrick’s bare forearms and look up at him. There was no mistaking the look of desire in his eyes. ‘Really?’ Patrick smiled shyly. David nodded, rubbing a thumb over his right forearm.

Patrick nodded, both excited by the confessions they’d both made. But warmed by the slow opening up between them. They weren’t great at talking yet, but they were getting there. David let go and maneuvered himself to the makeshift picnic blanket.

For a while they busied themselves with eating, idly talking about the produce and supplies. Patrick realised as much as anything he’d missed this- talking about their store, the work, hearing David’s passion for the things they stocked. He caught himself smiling at him often as he talked. David looking self conscious as he ate and talked at 100 miles per hour as usual.

They finished the prosecco and Patrick reached for one of the bottles of wine. ‘Red ok?’ he asked. David nodded, Patrick poured. Remembering his conversation with Stevie. He blurted out.

‘I guess I maybe should start making my ….wine preferences known to people’ he said carefully.

David poured ‘Well technically you’re mixing wines tonight.’ he raised an eyebrow checking in on what they were talking about.

‘Technically, yes, I have been known to mix wines.’ Patrick countered, taking the glass back. ‘But maybe it’s time I was more...honest about settling on a wine choice.’ he cleared his throat ‘That might save people some...confusion.’

‘Mmm’ David said ‘But nobody is pressuring you into any lifelong choices about wine you know?’

‘I know. I do know.’ Patrick said taking a drink, thinking. ‘I didn’t know I didn’t like...white wine.’ he said, ‘I mean I didn’t get excited by it. But I also never really thought about trying other wines.’

‘See this is where we differ I tried every wine’

‘A true commitment to experimentation.’ He stared into his wine for a moment ‘Stupid question, I mean probably.’

‘There are no stupid questions. Many stupid answers.’ he felt his hand on his shoulder again letting him know it was ok to carry on.

‘How did you ...know that you wanted to try ...all the wines?’

David crossed his legs and thought for a moment. Nobody had ever asked him directly. Sure he’d read all the articles- both supportive and otherwise about bisexuality, pansexuality, whatever label you wanted to throw about. But nobody had ever asked him to explain what it felt like to him. Probably nobody had cared.

‘Sorry I didn’t mean to- that’s probably super un-woke and insensitive of me.’ Patrick said downing his wine.

‘Firstly, where did you learn a word like “woke”’ David smiled, ‘No. I was...thinking.’ he said, frowning. ‘You know how people say, when they want to counter someone saying being gay is ‘a choice’ that ‘how did you know you’re straight?’ and people just know like they know what gender they like...I never got that. Because I never had a ‘yes this gender, not that one’ like it made no sense to me that people chose.’

‘Again, stupid question’ Patrick said raising an eyebrow ‘From someone only just figuring out some really obvious facts.’ he felt Davids hand come down his arm and take his hand ‘Is it really no different, when you look at a man, look at a woman, or when you...do stuff, like it feels the same?’

David looked up, ‘Yes and no.’ he said ‘And I only speak for me here- again not to get all woke there are many many ways to do this’ Patrick nodded he was watching him intently, ‘But as cliche, as it is, it’s just always been the person for me. Whether that’s for lust, or ...something more. I just sort of fell for ...people who crossed my path. Ok sometimes not fell for just said ‘ok why not’ to.’ he paused ‘I’m not the greatest example to counter other cliches I realise.’

‘I don’t judge you.’ Patrick said.

‘You should well judge some of my choices.’ David said wryly. ‘But as much as maybe I don’t understand things being more binary, I don’t understand why people don't understand when they’re not...I mean I wanted Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts and I’ll be damned if anyone can make me choose.’ he looked up and fidgeted with his rings ‘I’m not explaining it right.’

‘You didn’t know you had to choose because choosing made no sense? And that actually all choices are equal to you, just the circumstances dictate...which choice?’

‘Yes!’ David exclaimed ‘And that Patrick Brewer is why you fill in the grant forms around here. You make my ramblings make sense.’ he leaned over and triumphantly kissed him. He pulled back a bit. ‘You make me make sense.’ he repeated and nodded slightly. Patrick blinked at him and nodded.

‘My Dad always said ‘wouldn’t it be easier to pick a gender’ and I get what he’s saying like he actually doesn’t care whether I bring home a boy or a girl, he just thinks I’m ...overcomplicating life. As usual. Or being dramatic about it. Which I usually am. And he’s right, though God help you don’t ever tell him that.’

Patrick smiled, Mr Rose tried so hard. Even when David couldn’t see it. He was glad to hear him appreciate him too. David looked sad for a second.

‘It’s not that I don’t like this whole ‘wine not the label thing’ by the way I should get that printed on T-Shirts or copyright that or something.’ he was rambling again he was aware. ‘And I know I’m very’ he gestured hoping to convey something between ‘extra’ and ‘dramatic’ but hopefully ‘still a good person.’ and then shrugged. ‘I just wish people understood it more.’ he took a drink ‘Not even ‘people’ in the general sense, people in the general sense can frankly go fuck themselves.’ he stared into his wine ‘I just wish some people I had known could see past the label. Or lack of one. Or understand that...that…’

‘That it’s not an excuse to think they can use you. Or throw you away. Or think that you’re lesser because you don’t fit a neat box...am I close?’

David shrugged. ‘I don’t know if it's me or the label’ he said.

‘That’s sort of it isn’t it.’ Patrick refilled his glass, then David’s ‘Where what people call you ends and...where you begin?’

David looked down for a long moment. ‘All that matters is you.’ he said into his glass. He darted his eyes sideways.

Patrick looked into his glass. ‘You’re a good person David Rose.’ he said. Darting his eyes sideways too.

They sat quietly for a few moments. Patrick looked around at the mess on their ‘picnic blanket’

‘You done?’

‘Hmm.’ David agreed ‘Though I maintain that is not actually dinner and I will be starving by 9pm.’

‘We can order a pizza.’ Patrick said with a smile and began to clear up a bit, manoeuvring the debris of the food off the rug and stacking them to one side. David stood and picked up some of the trash and was about to walk away back into the store with it.

‘Where are you going?’ Patrick said pausing

‘Trash’ David gestured vaguely ‘And we’re done with…’ he gestured at the former picnic.

‘Oh, I am not remotely done with you here.’ Patrick said, holding out a hand. Even though he knew it was a terrible line David couldn’t help but grin and allow himself to be pulled back down to kneel next to Patrick, who quickly ran a hand up to the back of his neck pulling him into a kiss.

‘Oh you really aren’t done are you?’ David said as they pulled back for a moment.

‘If you stopped talking for a second I might get closer.’

‘What if I like to drag it out.’

‘Shut up David.’

Before he could try and answer again Patrick kissed him in a way that he knew was guaranteed to keep him quiet for some time. They spent some time not talking and getting reacquainted with each other. While the ‘no sex in the Store’ rule Patrick had enforced from the start was maintained, they gave High School kids a run for their money on the making out front. It turned out four days really did feel like a long time. After pushing themselves as far as they dared without endangering the throws under them Patrick pulled back.

‘Worth putting up with Ray’s chat tonight?’

David nodded and kissed him hungrily. ‘That and we can order that Pizza’

Patrick laughed and half-collapsed into his chest ‘Ok, we’ll go soon.’

David ran a hand up his back ‘No rush.’ he said ‘we could lie here a while.’

Patrick smiled into his chest, breathing him in for a moment. They shifted a bit, David propping himself up on a balled-up blanket, Patrick half propped up on his chest, also on his back, David’s left arm snaked around him, Patrick’s left pulling their fingers together and playing with David’s rings. They lay there for a few moments in the quiet, steadied from their earlier efforts by the other’s breathing.

‘I’m sorry David.’ it came out unconsciously. But as he said it he felt the urge to make it right.

David pulled their entwined hands up to his mouth and kissed Patrick’s. He didn’t speak yet. Waiting to see if there was more.

‘I should have told you about her.’ Patrick said.

‘Yes.’ David said. Feeling something clench in his chest hoping he wasn’t pushing back too hard.

‘You can read every text I sent her over the last four months.’

‘Alexis told me about the bagel thing. And what Rachel said to her. I know you didn’t go …looking for her to turn up.’

‘Hard no on that one.’ Patrick caught himself ‘She’s not a bad person she’s just…’

‘Confused.’ David finished for him. ‘And clearly has boundary issues.’

Patrick let him get that one in. He wasn’t wrong. ‘We broke up a year ago.’ he said looking at the ceiling, this was easier if he didn’t have to look at David. He squeezed at his fingers, and David squeezed back, which he took as a sign to carry on. ‘We broke up for then...fuck I don’t know how many times, a year ago. We were only engaged six weeks. I did it to…’ he sighed, he wasn’t proud of it, ‘I did it because I thought I should. Because it might fix things. It didn’t. Obviously.’

David squeezed his hand again. He had so many questions, about whether Patrick knew then. If he had any idea. Or whether this was all a revelation to him later. He didn’t know if you had an ‘wine preference’ kind of wiring if you did in fact ‘always know’ or if it was a surprise sometimes. Now wasn’t the time.

‘I left two weeks later. We didn’t speak at all. Or more like I didn’t speak to her. After two months she text me because my Mom told her where I was. I lived here three months before I met you.’ he hoped being this clear was the right thing to do. ‘I spoke to her on the phone once in those three months. And once more after we met but before we…’ he squeezed David’s hand again. ‘I’ve known her since High School, and I hurt her- more than once, and I’m not proud.’

David could hear the hurt in Patrick’s voice again. He had no frame of reference for staying because you felt you should. But he increasingly had, if not sympathy, then empathy for Rachel. He had experience being left, and not knowing why. His stomach knotted at the thought. That was what had really bothered him, he realised. He didn’t hate her. He understood her.

‘You can read every text message I sent her since I’ve known you’ he repeated, ‘Since whenever. I’ve got nothing to hide there.’ he paused, feeling honesty was the only policy, ‘There’s nothing inappropriate. I struggled enough with that all the time we were together.’ that was something he’d scarcely admitted to himself, ‘I always felt like I was playing the part of her boyfriend. Fiance. Whatever. I never fought for her David.’ Patrick shifted a bit to look at David, he was staring at the ceiling biting his lip. ‘David?’

‘Hmm’ he said, frowning a bit.

‘David talk to me.’ Patrick said sitting up. David untangled his arm from him but kept hold of his hand. Squeezing like he was clinging on. Still staring at the ceiling. ‘Sorry.’ he said realising he was squeezing a bit too tight. ‘David say it, whatever it is.’ Patrick felt panic rising in his chest, the kind that had been sitting there for days. They were so close to getting past it.

David nodded, still fixed on the ceiling. He couldn’t look at him while he said it.‘I don’t hate her.’ he said finally.

‘Ok.’ Patrick said. ‘Well I guess that means we don’t have to call her you-know-who from now on at least.’

‘I understand her.’ he finished. Patrick didn’t respond so he carried on. ‘I understand being the one left. Not understanding what you did wrong. Being so burned by that you do...crazy shit.’ he looked up ‘I can understand being left by you doing that to someone too.’ fuck he thought, this had been going so well, couldn’t they have just got drunk, had sex and forgotten the whole thing? Why was he so determined to try and be an adult about this.

‘What about doing crazy shit to win someone back?’

There was a pause. Then David slowly shifted onto his side, pulling Patrick into him so they were facing each other. ‘I have done some crazy shit, it will not surprise you. Like radio over my head outside your window crazy shit.’

‘I don’t know what that means.’ Patrick said deadpan. David look horrified for a second, and Patrick smiled, David laughed again, a genuine charming sweet laugh. ‘I mean you did just dance to Tina Turner’ Patrick said ‘So I kinda knew you had it in you.’

David laughed again, looking at Patrick. He was smiling.

‘What?’ Patrick asked.

‘I don’t know.’ David said with a grin.

‘You’re an idiot.’ Patrick said holding out his hand, David took it. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘Nobody has ever fought to win me back.’ David said, his eyes glassy again. Patrick put a hand up to his face and stroked his cheek.

‘I’d have fought twice as long and twice as crazy.’

David bit his lip and smiled ‘Maybe I should have held out. Seen how crazy you got.’

Patrick smiled ‘Oh like kittens in a basket crazy.’

‘I’m more a dog person’

Patrick smiled and kissed him, resting his forehead on David’s for a second, before pulling back and looking down. ‘It was all my stuff.’ he said softly, ‘That’s the only reason I ran away.’

David nodded slowly. ‘I know.’ he said reaching for Patrick’s face this time, running a thumb over his cheek ‘I know now.’ He closed his eyes for a second ‘I’m still damaged goods.’ he said not opening his eyes.

Patrick reached up for his hand on his cheek and squeezed and he opened his eyes. ‘Damage can be repaired.’ he said with a little half smile. David smiled a bit back. ‘Or you know, we just sell you off cheap.’ Patrick added with a grin.

‘I think you’ll find there’s nothing cheap about me.’ David said pouting.

‘Oh I’ve noticed’ Patrick grinned. David smiled back, and shifted again so that they could lay down properly together. He hooked a leg over Patrick and looped his right arm to pull him closer, taking his other hand and holding Patrick’s between them.

‘Thank you’ he muttered into the top of Patrick’s head. ‘You’re the best.’

Patrick giggled at the unintentional pun, or maybe it was intentional. But soon David was giggling too, it was all a bit much. David had danced, actually danced. He’d bought ridiculous gifts and tried to win him back, and he’d danced. And here they were lying on the floor of their Store, but things felt right. So he laughed and David joined in. And then they kissed. And then Patrick broke his ‘no sex in the Store’ rule. Just this once.

They’d pulled themselves together and tidied up, and were locking up to leave, when David caught Patrick staring at him.

‘What?’ he said ‘My hair?’

‘Your hair is fine. Well actually it’s a mess but Ray won’t mind.’ Patrick grinned.

‘We’re still going back to Ray’s even after…’ David gestured.

‘Oh yeah.’ Patrick said ‘I’m really hungry. I want that pizza.’

‘Pizza huh?’ David smiled.

‘Yeah pizza. Can’t wait for it.’

‘Hmm.’ David said. ‘But what was that look for?’ he wasn’t letting anything slide tonight.

Patrick shoved his hands in his pockets, looking thoughtful. ‘I was thinking about earlier when you walked in.’ he said ‘I was so scared today when you walked in. It was like I spent four days imagining it, I thought this is the last time I can imagine what happens when I see your face again. Because it was happening and then it was all going wrong and I didn’t know what to do any more because what I’d done had been wrong and-’

David was grinning at him.

‘What?’

‘You sounded like me for a second.’ he leaned over and kissed him ‘and I think we both agree one of me is enough.’

‘Quite enough.’

They shut the door and this time David stopped, it took Patrick three steps to realise he wasn’t at his side. He turned around and didn’t have to say ‘what?’ this time for David to answer.

‘We survived it then’ David said.

Again Patrick caught on quickly. ‘Yeah, we did’ he smiled, ‘I think we officially kissed and made up back there.’

‘I’ve never made it this far before.’ David said. Even in the dark his eyes were wide and vulnerable.

‘I know.’ Patrick said. He held out a hand ‘Come on. Pizza.’

David gave him a half smile and took his hand, falling into step alongside him.