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Patrick started awake. For a second he had no idea what had woken him, but his heart was pounding. And in a flash, the dream came crashing back into his mind. He shook his head trying to clear it and heard a soft groan from his left.
‘Sorry.’ he murmured ‘Wake you up?’ he glanced over at the clock. 3.35 am. He groaned himself just as David softly rolled into him, his head on his chest. Patrick didn’t realise how tense he was until David’s touch instantly relaxed him fractionally.
‘Mmmft’ David at first made an unintelligible noise. Patrick’s heart was pounding like he’d just been for a run. Or what David assumed going for a run did for a heart rate given he wasn’t exactly inclined to exercise. His brain, still half asleep caught up, he’d been woken by a noise, he assumed now, Patrick shouting or something and felt him start in the bed next to him. ‘Bad dream?’ he murmured, into his boyfriend’s shirt.
‘Mmm’ Patrick said, realising he was still trying to steady himself. His heart was pounding and weird flashes of the dream kept appearing in his mind. It was nothing specific, nothing particularly vivid. Instead, the equally unsettling kind of dream where you know with certainty something terrible is happening but you can’t pinpoint what. He remembered running. And maybe falling. And definitely darkness. He gave an involuntary shudder. David made a sleepy noise of sympathy, and Patrick smoothed his hand over his hair partly to reassure himself he was awake now.
‘Sorry I woke you.’
‘S’ok.’ David murmured ‘You ok?’
‘Mmm’ Patrick said, letting out a long ragged breath. He shook his head trying to clear it and closed his eyes again. He remembered laying for a few moments, the weight of David on him, and then just as suddenly starting awake again. Clearly, his subconscious wasn’t finished with him tonight.
‘What?!’ David exclaimed this time, feeling himself thrown off Patrick as he jumped and this time sat up.
‘Fuck. Ugh.’ Patrick gave a groan of anguish as he flopped back down reaching for David as an apology.
David rolled back into his boyfriend, who this time was breathing heavily. Used to being tortured by his own mind both awake and asleep David had much sympathy. His boyfriend also being incredibly stubborn he was likely to deny the effect it had on him. David reached over and kissed his cheek before settling down again letting him know he wasn’t mad at the interrupted sleep. Again he’d given them enough interrupted sleep between insomnia and nightmares and was ever patient with him and all that he was certain were infuriating quirks at best. He wanted to repay some of that, but his boyfriend was both stubborn and always of the mind he could fix everything himself. Except right now his heart was pounding and his chest heaving under David’s head. He tried giving him a reassuring squeeze and he jumped a little.
‘Sorry.’ David muttered.
Patrick sighed, hoping that would steady his breathing a bit. He wasn’t used to being so on edge. Just a stupid dream he reminded himself. Made worse by the fact he couldn’t quite place what had happened in it and that he couldn’t quite shake it. He knew he was awake. He knew he was really in bed that this was all real. And yet his mind kept insisting otherwise.
‘Really silly huh?’ he muttered to David ‘None of it’s real and yet.’ he ran a hand over his face, and the other worked its way up into David’s hair, his fingers playing with his hair. An immediate tell Patrick didn’t even know he had. Whenever he was thinking about something, trying to say something, or anxious; he played with David’s hair. He also did it when David needed calming down, but he had no idea that he did it more often when something was bothering him. And as it was something he could only ever do in private it was a sure sign his mind was somewhere else. He felt him take another deep breath and knew from his own experience his mind was busy playing tricks on him. As much as rational, in control Patrick was far better at calming himself down than David was, he also knew the power of the times your brain is doing its best to trick you. Even if it was just a dream. Trying to bring him back to focus, back to now was the best way through. Grounding him. David thought for a second while Patrick played with his hair. David shifted a bit so he was closer, his body against Patrick’s. Then he worked his left hand under Patrick’s shirt, he felt him start at the touch first, but settled his hand flat on his stomach, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth. He hoped Parick got what he was doing. David had an instinct this was the right move. Patrick made a noise of maybe confusion, maybe contentment. It was hard to tell.
‘Is that ok?’ David murmured, moving his hand back and forth to make a point.
‘Mmm’ Patrick was confused. It was an odd sensation, not an unpleasant one. And one outside their established repertoire of gestures. By now he knew what every one of David’s touches meant. From the way he wrapped himself around his shoulders as a hello. Or the way he stroked an arm in various degrees of franticness as an apology. To the way, he ran a hand up his leg when he wanted to initiate something. Or that him curled into his neck meant he was feeling vulnerable and needed some reassurance. He curled a hand around David’s shoulders, feeling like he was clinging on a bit.
David could read all of Patrick’s touches too. Even the several different ways he rested his hands on David’s hips had their own meaning. From his gentle greeting that way, to possessiveness. David also knew his ‘casual’ touches were anything but. Similar in that way- touch with anyone else was measured for him, it was free but always significant with Patrick. The way he leaned on him casually when they were in public and there was no other reason to touch him. To the way he’d kiss David’s forehead as a goodnight which always felt more intimate than on the lips. He’d wrapped an arm around his shoulders now so he knew he was ok with this. He moved his hand a little back and forth now on Patrick’s stomach and sensed him relax into the touch. He paused resting his hand palm down on the warm skin.
‘Skin to skin contact.’ he said softly, ‘It’s reassuring, that’s why they do it with babies when they’re born.’
Patrick laughed softly. ‘What the hell do you know about babies?’ he asked, kissing the top of his head to let him know he was joking. He knew David’s lack of child-rearing interest was a potential sore spot where past relationships were concerned. But it was amusing David had just come out with fun childbirth-related facts.
‘I know stuff.’ he muttered then added uncertainty ‘Should I stop…’ it was weird he realised, and he’d possibly made it weirder with that analogy, but he hoped it helped.
Patrick sighed closing his eyes, David was right there was something reassuring about it. ‘No, don’t it’s...good.’ he said. He felt David curl into him, he was just moving his thumb now but the cool of his hand and the weight of him next to him was the reassurance he needed. ‘I feel stupid.’ he admitted ‘Just a dream…’ David shifted his hand back and forth a few times in response, and Patrick felt himself relax a bit more.
‘My brain is the worst thing in the world.’ David said ‘So if yours has done a fraction of what mine does to me sometimes, then it’s not stupid to feel...whatever.’
Patrick gave a soft hum of response, and David resumed his soft movement back and forth on his stomach. It was a strangely intimate gesture, but also an incredibly soothing one. As David’s cool hand moved across his skin he felt himself relaxing. After a while he stilled, leaving his hand resting on the centre of Patrick’s stomach. The weight of it felt comforting too. In return he reached his free hand over and under David’s shirt, resting his palm just above his hip, rubbing his thumb back and forth over the soft skin of his stomach. He felt David hitch his breathing a fraction at his touch but then felt him lean into his neck a bit deeper, a sure signal he appreciated, even needed the gesture. It felt strange Patrick reasoned, they’d explored every inch of each other’s bodies in a sexual way by now but there were still new ways to find different kinds of intimacy. Why just resting a hand somewhere felt so different in this context, so intimate he wasn’t sure. But it was also undeniably helping.
‘Thanks.’ he said, softly moving his thumb back and forth again on David’s hip. ‘It’s...nice. It helps.’ he felt David shift into his neck a little more, felt him exhale. Patrick shifted his hand a bit, running it over the soft skin above his hip. ‘That ok?’ he asked, sensing immediately David’s vulnerability.
‘Mmm.’ David agreed. He hadn’t meant to make it about him. But the minute Patrick had touched him he’d felt exposed. Not in a bad way just in what he’d done had cracked another door open, and he knew he’d given himself away by curling into Patrick’s neck and clinging on. He felt like he’d accidentally revealed something and he wasn’t quite sure what.
‘It’s weird.’ Patrick mused, shifting his hand a little more, running it slowly across David’s hip and around to his stomach as well, it wasn’t in a remotely sexual way, it felt the same as when he wrapped his arms around his neck or leaned his face into his shoulder, the kind of reassuring, comforting gesture, but more intimate. ‘I’ve touched everywhere on your body by now.’ he chuckled ‘And then some.’ he felt a huff of laughter from David ‘And so have you on me…’ he felt David kiss his neck, ‘But this is...different. Good different.’ he kissed David’s hair.
David hummed agreement. ‘I used to do it to myself, which sounds a bit stupid but it kind of has the same effect. Like when you hold onto your own hand under a pillow or something. It’s not the same but it’s better than nothing. It sounds weird. Ridiculous..’
He trailed off and Patrick felt him shrug. Even in his sleepy ramblings, it was both sweet and achingly sad. Patrick shifted and kissed the top of his head softly. Pausing for a second thinking.
‘David?’ he said, it came out like a question.
‘Hmm?’
‘Nobody ever held me after I had a bad dream before.’ it was a confession he’d never anticipated making, not one he’d thought of until now. But it was true.
‘Never?’ David frowned, up at him in the dark.
Patrick shook his head and let out a breath, David resumed softly rubbing his thumb back and forth on his stomach, Patrick moved a hand up to his hair. He wasn’t good at this stuff he was realising, he hadn’t ever been good at this stuff. He knew why sort of now, but he wanted to be better.
‘It wasn’t just… the sex that didn’t feel right.’ he said his fingers working the softness of David’s hair into curls around his fingers. ‘I think I wasn’t ever fully...me.’
David started to rub his hand back and forth like he was petting a cat or something, Patrick felt some of the tightness in his chest subside with it. In the dark, it was easier to say these things.
‘I think I was scared to be.’ he said quietly, ‘Scared of feeling...things, or not feeling things.’ he breathed into David’s hand. ‘One night, like tonight I had a dream, just a regular bad dream. When Rachel woke up I told her it was fine, but I went downstairs and sat up all night because I was scared to go back to sleep. Or scared she’d see I was scared. I told her I got up early that day when she asked where I was.’ he took a breath. ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’ David said quietly, still moving his hand slowly.
Patrick gripped at his hair for a moment, David seemed to sense there was more.
‘I didn’t know it was weird.’ Patrick said, ‘I was a good boyfriend I looked after her, I was...nice, I think. But also…’
‘You didn’t know she was supposed to look after you.’ David stopped moving and took a breath. ‘Patrick sweetheart.’
Patrick took a breath, David had never used any kind of term of endearment for him, and he shifted upright now.
‘Sweetheart.’ he said again ‘Nobody ever looked after me, nobody ever remembered how I like my coffee, or put their arm around me when I cry at movies.’ he looked down, ‘Or when I cry for real.’ He shifted upwards and Patrick came with him, he smiled when David reached for his hand, a private intimate thing they both reserved for when they were alone. ‘I will look after you I promise.’
Without warning, hot tears pricked at Patrick’s eyes and he sniffed. For a moment instinctive panic rose in his chest, an urge to run to hide to not let David see. But instantly he was wrapping himself around him. And instead, Patrick let himself lean into him, let himself be held and let himself cry.
When he stilled and wiped his eyes, David didn’t let go, and he was glad of the warmth. He still felt like he couldn’t quite breathe. He reached for David’s hand this time.
‘David can I tell you something?’ he said softly, David hummed and kissed his hair. ‘I’ve never cried in front of anyone before.’
David lifted a hand and wiped gently at the tears on his face.
‘Well you’re lucky I’m very much an expert in crying in front of people.’ as if to demonstrate in a wholly pavlovian response, his eyes got damp too and he saw Patrick smile through the blurry wetness. Then felt him reach over and wipe away the tears with a thumb. But then he dipped his head wiping at his own face. ‘Patrick?’ David said quietly.
‘I think I’m a bit of a mess.’ Patrick confessed, into the blankets more than to David ‘More than maybe I realised.’ he’d gone along with all these huge changes in his life, assuming all was fine. And all was fine, mostly, until occasionally like tonight he stopped to think about it.
David leaned over and kissed his hair, feeling him scoot closer and pulling him into his chest again. He felt Patrick burrow into him for a second, felt him seeking out comfort in a way he so rarely did, in a way David realised he didn’t let himself.
‘I’m ok with a bit of mess.’ David said softly and felt Patrick burrowing deeper. ‘You’ve seen all my mess, let me see yours.’