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I could never have told you out loud how much I “loved” you.
All I could do was slip up, stay clumsy, keep my bad mood, which only hurt you, over and over again.
But still? You always kept smiling, no matter how many times I dared to be so hateful to you.
You knew how to be patient, caring, loving...and despite your clumsiness and your legendary stupidity, I could only tell you one thing.
"Killer,
The word "I love you" is bullshit.
Because nothing is strong enough as a word to express how much I care about you.’’
These words, stupid as they may have been, I repeated them, often. Alone, as if I was talking to myself like a crazy person, even though I knew that I was not even capable of pronouncing these words, especially those that were supposed to express my feelings. It was almost impossible for me.
I always found myself in the castle gardens thinking about those words, watching you taking care of the plants you had grown here, bringing back a semblance of life of which you were the center.
Something I could never have destroyed, mishandled, or even ruined.
"Tell me, Boss." Had you called me once more.
I'd looked at you, with my neutral cold air, my blue pupil almost piercing you, waiting for your question... and yet you didn't back down, speaking again.
"What is the name of this flower?”
You were showing it to me.
A beautiful plant. I could see in your empty stare that you didn't know what it was.
"A Hydrangea.
- Doesn't it have a prettier name?" you asked, confused by such a difficult name.
I sighed.
"A Horthensia, yes."
Your face was sprinkled with a pretty smile.
"I didn't know her! She looks all sad, look! She has white petals and she pulls her face because she was alone in her pot, in a corner, in the castle…"
You seemed to be having a hard time with this withering plant. I almost refrained from smiling in the face of such behavior. You looked like a kid.
"Would you mind if I took care of that, too?”
Your cheerful voice of caring for a plant on its path of death made me look away, sighing. Even if you had refused, you would have taken care of it, stubborn as you are.
"Do as you like, I don't care." I simply replied, getting up from the stone bench where I used to sit to leave, going back to lock myself in my office, that cold place where I'm the only one who appreciates the desire to stay.
I let you. I let you take care of this thing, so useless...thinking that it would wither, as a normal flower would have done... And yet you seemed so proud the day when the petals and the face of this poor flower had recovered its beauty. I was astonished that you would take such joy in caring for a simple flower... Something frail and so easily destroyed...
But your proud look had finally made me smile when you showed me your work another day in the garden. You thought you were dreaming when you saw that smile, to the point of asking me if I wasn't sick.
I told you to shut up and I went into a corner and sneered. Maybe I was sick that day, yes.
But to see again the surprised and shiny look you had made, I was ready to be sick again.
So much so, that I came more and more frequently to the gardens of my dark castle, watching you gardening so much, and tending that flower, which you cherished so much... It questioned me, in the long run.
"Killer.”
You were looking at me, raising an arch, stopping what you were doing to get close to me, waiting for me to speak again.
"Why are you taking such good care of that stupid flower?"
Your gaze had turned to the flowerpot where the hydrangea sat enthroned, this one being and showing itself to be even more beautiful. You had left me in complete silence, for a few seconds... and then you finally opened your teeth, sighing, going to take it in your hands.
And when I saw, on your face, that your cheekbones were tinged with that soft red, I could only raise an arch, when I heard the words you had dared to say to me.
"I took care to give it to you, Boss.”
I didn't even laugh, even though I thought it was just a stupid joke at first.
But when I saw you hand it to me, I took it without a word. Leaving you in an awkward silence. I didn't know what to say, any words. I was lost.
And this heavy silence, which sounded like biting cold, had ended up making you feel very uncomfortable, coming to find a common excuse that you were pulling me out of her sweet voice even though you were stammering, letting you go without me being able to stop you, my own person remaining alone now.
I had the impression that I was becoming like Error, buggering, staring at that flowerpot or reigning over that Hydrangea that you had taken so much care of...I had finally gone away, taking it with me.
This plant then had taken its place in a corner of my desk, its pure white petals, beautiful as anything, giving a softer atmosphere to this place yet so dark and icy.
Yet I still thought it was stupid, that you would offer me such a thing. If I didn't feel all these quirks and attraction towards you, I would have already thrown away your gift, as long as I hadn't given it any importance.
But... I couldn't do it. Not even in my dreams, to tell you the truth. This Hydrangea had almost become a treasure for me, worthy of one of the greatest jewels that could exist, worth more than solid gold or even the most beautiful of all diamonds... All because this plant came from you. But…
"Purity, Innocence... First love.”
I had a silly laugh as I read those words again in the book I was holding in my hands.
"I knew it meant something…"
I had an unwanted blue stain on my cheekbones, looking at that plant that was sitting on my desk in its pot.
Did he realize that he had actually given it to me?
"What an idiot... " I murmured, contemplating again and again what seemed so dear to me now, passing a phalanx over those soft petals, in a more than light, almost abnormal touch on my part if anyone else saw me.
I was lost in thought afterwards. I thought, very much.
Should I offer her a flower in return as well? Maybe it seemed suspicious, coming from such filth as I had become, but...maybe it would work?
Staring at the book I was holding, a thick book listing the symbols and language of flowers according to species or color...I still found myself on the page of the Hydrangea, staring at the words that one could, making me attentive. Perhaps I should also offer her the same flower in return, as a silent thank you, followed by a hidden message?
A smile then finally came to me, fixing a precise color, as I closed this book which more than served me, grabbing something to camouflage me, coming then to teleport me in a Universe in spite of me peaceful, coming then to buy a Hydrangea in my turn.
A pink Hortensia.
I had quickly taken my property before I was noticed too much, coming to put it in my turn in a flowerpot that I had found in a corner of the garden.
Then I waited. Again, again, again. I still had this new property and...I just didn't dare to offer it.
It was as if my body did not want to move any more, by an unwanted anguish on my part that it would have this gift, that it would take it badly, or that it would not understand what I was trying to tell it through this plant...
I had ended up taking care of this Hydrangea myself, a plant that was bound to a small letter, attached by an azure ribbon to one of its stems.
"It's in exchange for the plant you gave me.
I don't like gifts. So I'm giving it back to you in my own way.
Oh and, learn the Language of Plants, maybe you'll learn something more interesting to enrich other than your bullshit.”
Anything but a good message from me, right? I could only write that, though.
But in the end... that hydrangea was useless to me. Just like this message.
I had never dared to offer this flower to Killer. I had chickened out.
So she ended up staying in a corner of the garden, fading slowly by herself because no one was looking after her...
Except…
"Boss?"
On another day like any other day when you were tending to the plants while I was reading a book, you caught my attention, my only pupil's attention from the lines I was reading, so she was amazed, as was my face as I watched you holding a flowerpot. The Pink Hydrangea.
I could see faint reddish tints on your cheekbones as you held the ribbon and the little message in your hand, showing that you had clearly read it.
"Why didn't you give me this plant before I found it on my own?”
I didn't answer. You knew the answer as well as I did.
There was a silence between us, as you put what was to be my gift on a garden table, while you came quietly to take care of it.
I finally heard you sigh, a sign that you were starting again.
"Do you, do you really mean it?”
I'd hiked up an arcade, wondering what you were talking about.
"Attachment, Emotions... Love." had you breathed as you looked at my position, seeing you puffing in front of my astonished face, the azure tints on my face did not help at all. "Did you really mean it? ...I know that you know not the Language of Flowers...Nightmare."
Hearing my name come out of your vocal codes made me get up at once, put down the book I'd read before, getting so close to you that I could feel our breaths binding.
You still hadn't backed away. On the contrary...
Your teeth had come to meet mine for a short while, while I remained frozen, assimilating things.
"...I love you too, Nightmare." whispered the one whose teeth I had come to possess again just by hearing these words, letting them clash together, each one benefiting by staying one against the other, for our greatest pleasure.
Yet I could not tell him that I loved him back. What I felt was not Love. I could not feel positive emotions, I knew that more than anything else.
But he knew that deep down, it was as if I was.
He accepted it, I accepted it.
The hydrangeas, although they were silent, accepted it as well, to tell the truth.
"Killer,
The word "I love you" is bullshit.
Because even the most beautiful flower couldn't express how I really feel about you.”