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“Ava is hot.”
The words were barely out of Camila’s mouth before Beatrice’s head jerked up in response. Unfortunately, she happened to be cleaning underneath a bedside table, and the resounding thwack resembled a gunshot in the small bedroom.
“Beatrice! Are you okay?” Camila looked aghast.
“Perfectly fine,” Beatrice responded through gritted teeth. She took slow breaths in order to control the pain and to calm her heartbeat. Her mind raced, trying to parse out any possible hidden meaning in Camilla’s statement.
She could come up with nothing. Ava is hot. Beatrice had never heard Camila make mention of any sort of attraction towards the halo bearer. Why would she say that? Does she need someone to talk to about it?
The thought made her insides twist. It was not like she could blame Camila; Beatrice had been trying to ignore that particular vow-breaking temptation since she started spending time with Ava. But, being able to sympathize didn’t mean she had any desire to discuss feelings, physical or otherwise, that Camila might have for the halo bearer. If Lilith wants to be the leader so badly, she can have this conversation.
Camila was already kneeling next to Beatrice, hands hovering just above her veil. “How bad does it hurt?” she asked.
“I appreciate it, but I’m really all right,” Beatrice reaffirmed. She resisted the urge to touch her throbbing skull.
Camila looked like she didn’t believe her, but helped Beatrice climb to her feet. She tipped her head back to look Beatrice in the eyes, but tucked her hands behind her back and retreated a step, perhaps noticing the slight tick of aggravation that Beatrice could not control.
Beatrice had felt out of control a lot lately, specifically around the newest halo bearer.
“I thought Ava was the clumsy one,” Camila observed. “Is your head really okay?”
Beatrice felt the expected flash of annoyance, but also a stab of something deeper, more sinister at the second mention of Ava. She stifled the feelings with ease borne of years of practice. “It’s fine, Camila. Thank you for your concern.”
Camila nodded, seemingly satisfied, before pulling back her sleeve to check her watch. “Oh no,” she murmured. “Sorry, Bea, I need to check on Ava!”
Infuriatingly, with no additional information offered, she sprinted from the room. Beatrice’s heart kicked into overdrive as she dashed after Camila. “Wait!” she called. “What’s wrong with Ava?”
Camila didn’t answer, just skidded around the next corner with a fierce look on her face. Beatrice, pounding head forgotten, followed and narrowly missed crashing into Mary. She heard the annoyed warrior curse behind her before rapid footsteps indicated that Mary was now pursuing her. Beatrice hoped it was because she realized that something was wrong and not because she was pissed. Knowing Mary, it was probably both. Ahead of her, Camila sprinted through the main hall of the Cat’s Cradle and threw herself at the doors leading to the training courtyard. They opened with a bang that had every nun in earshot whipping around with combat knives in hand. Beatrice ran into the courtyard moments later and finally understood what had Camila so panicked.
Ava stood in the middle of the courtyard, her arms on fire and the halo shining so brightly as to be a small sun stationed in Cat’s Cradle. Beatrice’s heart seized in her chest and she stumbled to a stop. She could feel the power of the halo from the doors as the flames danced up Ava’s arms.
Beatrice felt like couldn’t breathe. Her entire body tensed, watching the halo’s power engulf Ava.
Destroy her.
No.
No. No. No. No.
Beatrice could feel the loop starting in her mind, the scream that echoed in her nightmares.
Ava lifted her hands to inspect them.
“Holy shit!”
Mary’s exclamation snapped Beatrice from her reverie. For once, she was glad for the language. She glanced around, taking in her surroundings. Several nuns were running for the hose and some buckets from the nearby garden. Camila was among them and Mary was already sprinting in their direction.
Too slow, Beatrice thought as she refocused her gaze on Ava. The light hurt her eyes, but she didn’t care. She sprinted forward, running full tilt and pulling her veil from her head as she ran. She saw Ava’s arms come down, could just make out her face of surprise behind the light from the halo before she tackled her.
Ava wheezed when she hit the ground and covered her face instinctually with her hands. That was fine with Beatrice, it made it easier to beat out the flames on Ava’s arms with her veil. Within seconds, the fire was gone. Beatrice threw the smoking garment to the side, yanking Ava’s hands to her so she could inspect them for damage. She didn’t know if she wanted to scream in frustration or sigh with relief when she found them completely unblemished.
“See?” Camila exclaimed through labored breaths; she and Mary had both ventured closer, carrying buckets of water. “I told you she was hot!”
Mary snorted with laughter as she unceremoniously dumped her bucket on Beatrice’s veil.
“You said she was hot, not on fire!” Beatrice accused, dangerously close to losing her composure.
“Why can’t I be both?” Ava cracked lamely from beneath Beatrice. She was grinning again, ever happy go-lucky. Beatrice’s only response was her most withering glare.
That was a mistake, because now Ava was looking at her, focusing on her intently. It was the type of focus that always made Beatrice feel like the rest of the universe didn’t matter. It made her feel uncomfortable things even as she craved it. “What?” she snapped, trying to displace her discomfort.
Ava cocked her head. “I’m just not used to seeing you without your veil,” she said. “I like it.”
Beatrice tried to hold onto her annoyance. If she was annoyed, then her face couldn’t burn with embarrassment. Still, she took the opportunity to shift off of Ava and back to her own feet. “Well, I like it when you’re not on fire,” she said. Feeling like that was a smooth transition away from dangerous territory; she offered her hand in assistance to Ava.
Ava took Beatrice’s arm, wrapping her fingers around her forearm. Beatrice matched the grip and pulled Ava up. The movement brought Ava close to her, too close, and Ava’s additional step into Beatrice’s space didn’t help. To make matters worse, she still had that intense look, but now it was paired with that smile—the one that made her eyes crinkle—her gaze darting around Beatrice’s face.
Lord, give me strength, Beatrice prayed as Ava’s lips parted just slightly. I took vows and I still don’t know if I can resist her.
It wasn’t just that Ava was beautiful, although she was—gorgeous—it was her intelligence, her kindness, her warmth. It was everything that made her Ava, the constant puns, the snark and sarcasm, her desire to grab onto life and hold on with everything she had. It was her willingness to try, even when she made mistakes. It was how easily she put her faith in Beatrice, it was the care and support she had shown when Beatrice had read Sister Melanie’s journal. All of these things were admirable, and so Beatrice had felt betrayed by her heart when she realized that what she felt for Ava was far beyond simple admiration.
It took Camila tossing her bucket of water on Ava for Beatrice to realize they were still holding on to one another.
“What the hell?” Ava spluttered.
“Language,” Beatrice reprimanded even as she turned to look at Camila in confusion as well.
“Your body temperature was rising again,” Camila explained in earnest. “I thought you were going to, you know, whoosh!” She punctuated the last word with a hand motion mimicking combustion.
To Beatrice’s surprise, Ava blushed and looked to the side. “Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, I, uh, got a little carried away with the halo, I guess.”
“You sure it was the halo?” Mary tossed out while examining Beatrice’s smoking veil.
“Very,” Ava snapped back. She glared at Mary.
Beatrice was thoroughly confused by the turn in the conversation, but she ignored it. Instead, she turned back to Camila. “How did you know that her body temperature was rising?” she asked.
“Oh!” Camila grinned and shoved back the sleeve on her habit, showing off her watch. “I put a sensor on her so I could collect data on the halo!”
“What? Where!” Ava yelped, spinning and twisting around, trying to examine herself.
“A sensor?” Beatrice repeated in disbelief. “What—why would you—and without telling her?”
Camila at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “I thought it would be a good idea after the Vatican,” she said quietly.
The follow up, ‘The Vatican, where Ava completely blew out the halo’s powers and nearly killed herself’ went unspoken.
“Yeah,” Ava said again, apparently unconcerned about talk of the Vatican even though thinking about it made Beatrice want to vomit, “but where?” She spun once more for good measure.
“It’s in the middle of your scar from the halo,” Camila answered. She nudged her toe in the dirt. “I just wanted to collect more data,” she said. “I’m sorry, Ava.”
Ava frowned as she reached behind her to try and touch her back. Upon a distinct lack of success she sighed and dropped her arm. She looked at Camila, falling silent for the first time. “Hey,” she said.
Camila picked her head up.
“It’s okay,” Ava said with a smile. “I get it, you were just trying to help. Just…tell me next time, okay?”
“Next time?” Beatrice asked, deadpan.
Ava nodded. “Yeah, next time. She’s not wrong, having more data on the halo will only help us. There just needs to be transparency.”
“Well look who’s finally using her brain,” Mary teased.
“I wasn’t aware she had one,” Lilith remarked as she walked up to them, surveying the scene.
“Ha ha,” Ava said, rolling her eyes.
Beatrice felt raw. She could still see Ava burning in her mind’s eye, and it was entirely too close to what had happened at the Vatican for comfort. “I’m inclined to agree with Lilith,” she said in a carefully modulated tone. “Given that you were on fire only a few minutes ago.”
“Fire?” Lilith said (over Ava’s indignant, “Hey!”), “That’s new.”
“Not entirely,” Beatrice shot back, nearly vibrating with emotion.
Lilith looked at her strangely, but let the remark pass. She then shifted her gaze to Ava. “Well, you look fine.”
Ava shrugged, although she too seemed to be studying Beatrice much to the latter’s distress. “It was the halo’s doing, I couldn’t feel any of it.”
“A new weapon, then,” Mary observed, stepping closer to the group. “Beatrice’s veil sure could feel it. Or even defense, a flame that will damage attackers but won’t hurt you.”
Beatrice felt her heart sink at the implication, but Lilith beat her to speaking. “We’ll have to do more tests, see how long she can hold it.”
Ava was nodding, and Beatrice had to close her eyes to hold her temper. “I think that these conclusions are premature,” she said.
“Which is why I suggested that we do more testing,” Lilith said, as if she were talking to a small child.
“I disagree with the conclusion that it won’t hurt Ava,” Beatrice argued, returning Lilith’s tone to her.
“Beatrice, I’m fine,” Ava said, concern and confusion evident in her voice. “The fire didn’t hurt me at all, I promise.”
“It didn’t hurt you this time,” Beatrice argued, turning her attention back to Ava. “We don’t know if it can hurt you.”
Ava still looked confused. She glanced around at the other sisters and spoke her next words carefully, as if she wasn’t sure what could happen. “Even if it did, the halo would heal me,” she said.
She was right to be worried.
Unbelievable rage and pain swirled from Beatrice’s gut and spewed from her mouth. “Are you implying that we should just let you get hurt because you can heal?” she snapped. “Technically, all of us here can heal, should we just break our arms in training because eventually they will return to normal?”
Ava already looked chagrined, but Beatrice couldn’t stop. The tight control she kept over her emotions had slipped and for once she was speaking her mind. “Even with the halo, we don’t truly know if the damage you do to your body can show up later. Was the fire safe for you, or, was it painless because the halo was healing you faster than you could feel it?”
Even as she issued the challenge, she could feel the shift in the air, the tension building. Somewhere in her head, a distant alarm bell was ringing violently, but it was too late. Beatrice could no more stop her next words than she could stop disappointing her parents. “Not one other nun has demonstrated this particular power, Ava, do you really think that you’re so special that you are the only one to experience it?”
The immediate silence was suffocating. Beatrice blinked. Ava’s face crumpled. Mary stepped forward to grab Beatrice’s shoulder. “Whoa, that’s way outta line!” she snapped.
Beatrice barely even noticed her, she was staring at Ava, the full magnitude of her words unfurling in her mind.
Ava just shook her head. “No, Beatrice, I don’t think I’m special at all.” She took a deep breath and gave Camila a weak smile. “I think I’m going to head inside. I should get changed, don’t want to catch a cold.”
“Ava—” Beatrice started to say…what? To say something, but even she didn’t know what it was.
It didn’t matter anyway because Lilith, of all people, stepped in front of her so she could no longer see the halo bearer. She was clearly furious, and Beatrice didn’t blame her. The courtyard was still quiet, all of the other nuns besides her usual sister warriors had swiftly departed.
For the second time in a matter of months, Beatrice cursed. “Fuck.”
Lilith didn’t even flinch. “She didn’t deserve that.”
Beatrice felt the tears spring to her eyes. “I know.”
“Fix it.” Mary growled. She grabbed the buckets that she and Camila had used and strode away.
Lilith gave Beatrice on last hard look before departing through one of her portals.
Camila moved to Beatrice’s elbow. “Are you okay?” she asked quietly.
“No,” Beatrice answered. “I’m not.”
Camila nodded. “It’s okay not to be okay,” she said. “About today, even about the Vatican.”
“Ava is feeling worse than I am,” Beatrice countered, her voice dull even to her own ears. “I need to go and fix this.”
“Just because she is feeling worse does not make your bad feelings go away. It’s okay to take a moment for yourself, Bea.” Camila said.
Beatrice smiled, albeit weakly, for the first time in what felt like hours. “When did you become so wise?” she teased gently.
Camila beamed. “Just taking a page out of your book,” she said. “I know that you want Ava to stay safe, maybe more than Ava does. I want that too. But, she is the halo bearer, and she is not new at this anymore. You need to trust her a little more with stuff like this.”
Beatrice winced. “Trust your team,” she said quietly.
Camila nodded and then embraced her sister. “It’s going to be okay. You just need to talk to Ava, and I need to design a new sensor.”
“Very well,” Beatrice said with a laugh. “I will see you at dinner, Camila.”
Camila nodded and walked off towards the dormitories.
Beatrice took a moment to breath and feel the sun’s warmth. Noise had returned to the Cat’s Cradle, chirping birds and busy nuns, even buzzing insects, surrounded Beatrice in a cacophony of normalcy. Ava is okay. Feeling more centered, she too walked to the dormitories to start her search for the halo bearer.
It took forty-five minutes to find her, and when she did, Beatrice kicked herself for not checking the roof first. It had become a bit of a haven for Ava as of late, a quiet spot where no-one bothered her beyond her immediate sisters. Even then it was mostly Beatrice, and Ava never seemed to mind that, a fact that warmed Beatrice’s heart to no end. When Beatrice arrived on the roof, Ava was sitting in the middle of it, her back against a wall to Beatrice’s left, her face tipped to the sun. Her eyes were closed, and she had obviously been crying.
Beatrice’s heart ached. It was bad enough to see Ava in pain and it was worse still to know she had caused it. She regretted her words in the courtyard, not only because she had hurt Ava, but because they were false, so that’s where she began. “You are special.”
Ava opened her eyes and locked them on Beatrice. They were red and puffy and so, so sad. Beatrice’s guilt doubled, as did her resolve.
“Ava,” she continued. “You are special. You are so special, and I’m so sorry that I implied otherwise.”
Ava smiled, but it was the broken sort of smile that had been all too common on her face in her first days at the compound. “Not everything is about me, Bea. It’s okay, you don’t have to try and make me feel better.”
Beatrice nodded and stepped closer, sitting cross-legged in front of Ava. “You’re right, not everything is about you. Nonetheless, you are special. I was wrong, in the courtyard. We’ve never had a warrior nun like you. It is entirely possible, even likely, that you have discovered a new power.
Ava swallowed and cleared her throat. Her voice was raw. “Then why did you say that to me?”
Beatrice felt her throat clogging with tears from Ava’s absolute trust, even after her horrible words earlier. “You almost died from your…exertions at the Vatican,” Beatrice began.
Ava frowned. “What does that have to do with anything?” she asked.
“I’m getting there, patience,” Beatrice scolded lightly. She took a deep breath before continuing. “Ava, I’ve never seen anything like what you did at the Vatican, and Sister Shannon did some amazing things with the halo. One moment it was like you were a burning sun, floating in the middle of the hall. The next, you…exploded. All of this energy sweeping outward, and the halo shrieked, I could hear it! It was piercing and blinding all at once, and I had to turn away.” Beatrice could hear her own voice breaking. “And once it was over, and I turned back around you were just…crumpled on the ground. I thought we had lost you, truly lost you, and I have never felt such devastation.”
When she had the courage to look at Ava, she found the halo bearer staring at her. “Bea…” she whispered.
Beatrice shook her head—she had to get this out or she never would have the courage again. “Ever since then, I’ve been terrified of the limits of the halo’s power. I’m terrified that you could hurt yourself, or exhaust the halo in some way. I’m terrified to lose you, Ava, and seeing you on fire again brought that moment back to me.”
Ava nodded, staying silent even though it was obvious she wanted to say something.
“The flames scared me,” Beatrice repeated, “and it angered me that you seemed to treat your body and potential mortality so carelessly. Because, truly, it is not just that you are a special person or a special halo bearer,” she paused and made sure to look Ava in the eye, “you are special to me.”
“Special to you?” Ava said, tipping her head to the side.
Beatrice could hear her heart beating in her head. “Very special,” she confirmed. “More special than I can express without…” she paused and closed her eyes. She could feel the adrenaline pushing her pulse to crazy heights, could feel her hands shaking on her knees. She hated it, the way the fear jackhammered through her system.
“Beatrice?” Ava questioned. And then Ava’s hand was on Beatrice’s and Beatrice wanted to cry she was so afraid. “You’re trembling,” Ava observed. “What’s wrong?”
Beatrice licked her lips, her eyes still closed. “You’re more special than I can express without breaking my vows,” she finally said.
She expected silence, for Ava to take her hand back. For Ava to ask her to leave. She expected disgust, or at the very least, discomfort.
Ava gripped her hand tighter.
Beatrice’s eyes flew open. Ava reached out to join their free hands, and she looked at Beatrice the same way she had at Arq Tech when she told Beatrice she was beautiful; serious and solemn. Tears sprung to Beatrice’s eyes and she let them fall, too enraptured by Ava’s face to do anything more. She felt completely at Ava’s mercy, and oh so fragile.
“Hey,” Ava said softly. “You know I wasn’t the only one in danger at the Vatican, right?”
Beatrice could only shake her head in confusion.
A smile ghosted across Ava’s face. “Of course not,” she said. “There were five possessed people attacking you.”
Beatrice nodded. She remembered the difficulty of taking on multiple opponents while also trying to keep an eye on Ava as she tried to get to Adriel.
“You were so badass,” Ava continued, her smile lighting up her face.
Beatrice felt herself blush, but didn’t drop her gaze. It was impossible to look away when Ava was smiling at her like that.
“But then, one of them landed a—a solid hit,” Ava continued. “And you hit the ground.”
Beatrice subconsciously touched her face where one of the possessed had punched her. It was still a little tender, but it was nothing worse than she had received in training. “I was okay, Ava, I got back up.”
“I know, I know,” Ava argued with a sigh. “But, it was like—I could see the moment they were going to gain the upper hand. It was like, a premonition, or something.”
Beatrice frowned. She hadn’t realized that Ava had been concerned enough for her to watch so closely. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me in the field,” she said. “I promise that won’t happen again.”
“No, that’s not it!” Ava exclaimed, looking at Beatrice like she was crazy. “Beatrice, you can’t make that promise to me because I will always worry about you!”
“You don’t have the skill to fight and keep your eye on me—” Beatrice argued.
“I don’t care!” Ava snapped. She groaned and put her face in her hands. “That’s not even the point,” she complained.
Beatrice was thoroughly confused. “Then what is the point?”
“You scared the hell out of me!” Ava yelled.
Beatrice was too shocked to correct Ava’s language. Ava never yelled at her. Complained? Yes. But even when Beatrice got mad at her, Ava’s first instinct always seemed to be to take try to make it better, never to yell back.
“I thought that you were going to die. I thought those possessed assholes were going to get another hit in and take you down,” Ava continued in a quieter but fierce tone. “And I couldn’t handle that thought.”
Beatrice’s heart stuttered.
“So, yeah. All of that training we did to ‘push past my personal pain’? It must have been effective, because there was this moment. It was like a moment of…peace? Like I finally truly connected to the halo, and I knew exactly what I needed it to do.”
Beatrice nodded. This was good news. Many of the accounts in the halo bearers’ journal spoke of feeling a personal connection to the halo.
Ava took a deep breath and took Beatrice’s hands again. She smiled, and it was almost wistful. “You still don’t get it do you? I needed to save you, Beatrice. I let the halo take whatever it needed from me to save you, because you’re special to me too.”
Beatrice couldn’t breathe, could barely see through tears. “Special?” she finally managed to choke out.
Ava smiled. “The most special,” she said. She tipped herself forward and embraced Beatrice.
Beatrice felt herself break down further. It was everything she wanted and everything she couldn’t have, but she was so relieved that Ava accepted her. She wrapped her arms around Ava and held her as close as possible. “I’m sorry,” she said through her tears. “I’m sorry I said those things, Ava.”
She felt Ava’s hand on the back of her head, pulling her in tighter. “It’s okay, I understand. We both just have to be careful, okay? I promise I will be careful.”
“Thank you,” Beatrice gasped.
They stayed like that for a while, entwined in each other, as Beatrice’s breathing slowly returned to normal. She felt selfish, enjoying Ava’s comfort when she knew that they would not be able to do this often, if at all. Ava seemed to understand, as she resisted several times before she let Beatrice pull away. Even then, she moved to prolong the contact, bringing her hands to Beatrice’s face and stroking it with her thumbs. “In this life or the next,” she said quietly.
Beatrice smiled and raised her own hand to Ava’s face. “In this life or the next,” she confirmed.
Later, when they were returning to the dormitories, a question popped to Ava’s mind. “Wait, did Camila say I was hot?”
Beatrice just laughed.