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Iwaizumi was a smart man. He wasn’t as reckless or brash as his peers but he had his moments.
This was one of those moments.
“Do you ever think about me?” Were the words that Oikawa heard when he finally answered the call.
Hajime’s words were slurred. Drunk. Wandering hands somehow found his phone tucked away in his pant pockets.
Oikawa knew Hajime wasn’t the type to get drunk. No. His alcohol tolerance was way too high.
He must’ve drank for hours.
It must be midnight in Japan right now, Oikawa thought.
“Iwaizumi—”
“So it’s Iwaizumi now? Not Iwa-chan? Not babe? Not hubby ? ”
It was way too early for this.
It was only 12 PM in San Juan and God knew Oikawa Tooru was way too emotionally exhausted and sleepy to deal with his ex right now.
A painful silence fell upon them. The hot temperature of Argentina suddenly felt as cold as Tokyo’s.
It had been so long since they last talked.
“Last time I was with you….last time I was with you was in my dreams,” Through the haze of the alcohol and his jumbled thoughts, Iwaizumi somehow managed to calm himself down, calm himself down enough to not make his relationship with Oikawa worse.
The usually sharp tongued setter had nothing to say and who could fault him? What in the world can you say when your ex boyfriend and childhood best friend drunk calls you in the middle of the morning on the other side of the earth?
What can he possibly say at that moment?
That he’s sorry for leaving Hajime just like that? That he’s sorry for breaking all their promises? That he’s sorry for choosing his career over the one man who’s been there since day 1?
Oikawa Tooru’s pride could never but more importantly, Oikawa Tooru knew sorry wasn’t going to cut it. Because he knew, even if he uttered those 2 syllables, it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t do anything.
Oikawa Tooru can’t even figure out his own feelings for fuck’s sake.
“Until when do I have to keep waiting as if no one else can replace you?” Hajime’s voice was filled with an emotion not even he can decipher, sounding more like a question to himself than to the man on the other end of the line.
Iwaizumi Hajime was just so sick of cradling his broken heart. His heart that was torn to little pieces that could never be put back together, even if he could, there would be large gaps and holes, ones that used to be filled with nothing but Oikawa Tooru.
He was just so sick and tired of feeling like he was the only one who never moved on.
No one could ever replace that loud brunette. No one could replace those almost 2 decades they spent together.
“You woke up one day and you saw just how bittersweet the moment was, you saw a past that won’t ever come back and you took it and ran away with it,”
Who could blame Hajime for being so hung up on Tooru? It was as if the setter woke up one day and decided that leaving his home, his Hajime for Argentina was a good idea.
Maybe Hajime was right, maybe he did see that bittersweet, almost poetic tragedy of leaving Iwaizumi. Oikawa had to admit.
Yes Oikawa left him for petty reasons but he also had real reasons.
A few years ago, on that last morning together as he gazed down at Iwaizumi’s sleeping figure beside him, Oikawa made that decision that would ruin both of them forever.
‘Love never lasts,’ he tried to reason with himself.
‘Career first,’ he tried to convince himself.
‘This was never gonna work out anyways,’ he lied to himself.
“You didn’t even say goodbye,” Hajime whined, the alcohol once again catching up to him, his usual composed demeanor nowhere to be seen.
“I…I didn’t say goodbye,” Oikawa repeated, his words getting caught in his throat.
He was confused to say the least. He always thought talking with his ex would be a bit different.
He expected yelling.
He expected pride.
He expected resentment.
But all he got was—was a broken man. A man who had to drink his feelings away just to be able to call him up.
“How long do I have to wait? How long do I have to endure this pain?” messy tears streamed down the athletic trainer’s face. He could never get used to this dull aching pain in his chest, even if their break up took place years ago. He doesn’t think he ever will.
Iwaizumi couldn’t let him go.
“Weren’t we enough?” Hajime stepped out to his balcony, letting the winds carry his whispered words. Tokyo looked so beautiful at night.
Oikawa stayed silent, at a loss for words. For the umpteenth time that day, He didn’t know what to say. Hajime wasn’t the type to share his feelings after all. So why now?
“Did you think that I could just cry this one out? That if I slept through the pain and woke up the next day, everything would be alright? I’d be alright?” Hajime leaned over his balcony, closing his eyes as the winds got stronger. The cold feeling against his skin gave him relief, from the way the alcohol made him feel hot, from the way his heart numbed every inch of his body.
“I wished it was as simple as that,” Hajime would do anything just for that to happen. To cry and sleep for one day and wake up the next all okay. He wished there was some type of surgery that could physically extract these feelings for him.
“But it’s not, I wake up every single day and my brain won’t stop racing a thousand miles per minute, trying so hard to answer the hundreds of questions you left me,”
‘Don’t think too much, Iwa-chan, your head will hurt,’ Hajime shook his head, trying to get that voice out of his head. Those familiar words from years ago. Years ago when they were still okay. When Hajime could say Oikawa was his. Those days felt so distant, so impossible.
“Why did he do that? Why did he leave me? Was I not enough? Was I lacking something? Was I too much? Was I too explosive? Was I too angry? Was I too clingy? Is there something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Is my body ugly? Am I that easy to replace?”
“Iwaizumi—”
“ Was I ever enough? ”
“Of course you were! You were more than enough!” Oikawa blurted out, louder than he intended.
Oikawa was confused, he couldn’t figure out who he was or what he wanted but what he knew was Iwaizumi Hajime was more than perfect, he was more than he could ever ask for.
“Then why?” Hajime’s question hung in the air.
Oikawa hesitated. He doesn’t know the answer either.
“I don’t know either, Iwaizumi, I don’t know either,” He looked out his apartment window, the sun was high up in the sky. It was noon and for a split second, Oikawa felt a sense of nostalgia. Nostalgia for those sweaty afternoons in the gym with…with him.
Another painful silence surrounded them.
Neither of the two could come up with any more words to say or any more questions to ask.
Love was so hard to build up and maintain but it was so easy to throw away.
Wasn’t love supposed to teach you how to, well, love? Then why did it teach Iwaizumi nothing but how to cry?
“I chose you and I still choose you, until the end of eternity,” Oikawa could practically hear the sad smile through the phone.
Tooru felt his eyes burn. He knew those words very well.
It was theirs.
It was their always.
Their little ‘Okay? Okay.’
Oikawa swore that if he closed his eyes he could vividly see those memories he swore to forget.
“Until the end of eternity,” was said through late night phone calls and volleyball practice that lasted a little bit too long, tangled in each other’s arms and lips that were suspiciously red and swollen.
And before Oikawa could say another word, the call was already dropped.