Work Text:
He doesn’t know how it happened. Or why. When?
He doesn’t have answers to any of these questions. The only thing he knows is that it happened suddenly and he couldn’t control it. He just let it happen since there was no way to fight the darkness that consumed him abruptly except to let it in.
The silence in their house was ironically deafening. And Lan Wangji knew instantly that something was wrong. Even more so when Wei Wuxian walked out of their room, changed but wearing a cream coloured hoodie that was a few sizes too big.
Everything was fine just a few minutes ago.
Wuxian being silent while on their way home wasn’t anything new. Sometimes he would go silent, lost in his thoughts. In a world that Wangji had no access to and never will. This was one of those times when Wuxian’s brain was working the most. Wangji learned to not bother the other during that time since Wuxian wouldn’t hear him anyway.
That is exactly what he did this time. While Wuxian was looking through the window, at the city that passed by him in a blur, Wangji drove them home. He noticed how Wuxian stopped talking after only a few minutes of the drive. Wangji smiled to himself. He could only wonder what was running through Wuxian’s brilliant mind.
However, on their way from the car to the inside of their house, Wuxian would slowly come back from whatever world he was in, back into reality. He would smile at Wangji and tell him something that was on his mind.
This time, it didn’t happen. Wuxian proceeded to do things, as usual, putting away his shoes and hanging his jacket. Yet, not a single word has left his lips and he didn’t look up. Wangji was watching him, waiting but Wuxian just went to their room. When he came back changed and wearing that hoodie with the hood on his head, Wangji understood instantly.
Wuxian made his way towards the sofa. Wangji walked together with him. There was only one thing he had to check before he could do anything.
“Wei Ying,” he spoke softly. Wangji waited for a response but there was nothing. He tried again: “Wei Ying?” His name being said twice sparked a reaction from Wuxian, just not the one that Wangji wanted. Wuxian slowly raised his eyes to look at his partner but he didn’t say anything.
Wangji didn’t bother Wuxian further. He stood up and walked to the kitchen, slowly coming up with a plan on what to do further.
Wuxian has shut down. Wangji noted the lack of energy and emotion. All he could do was just wait for now and be there when Wuxian will need him.
In the other room, Wuxian was trying to get rid of the shadow that was cast on him. He knew it was no use fighting it when he let it happen, or was forced to, yet he still tried. The emptiness that opened inside his chest, the huge hole that he couldn’t fill was ruining everything inside, making chaos.
The headache that appeared out of nowhere should have been a huge red flag. And it was, but Wuxian ignored it until his brain shut down.
Until the sun was covered by a dark cloud.
On the drive home, Wuxian was lost in his mind, he was thinking about many things but even more about the fact how his brain was running quicker than it should. Thinking about how he felt tiredness take over with every passing second and how his energy was reaching a dangerously low limit.
He felt dizzy. Wuxian could just close his eyes and disappear. Fall into an abyss. Or into cold water that would freeze him whole. Maybe he would like that, being underwater where the whole world is silent because at that moment, his mind was too loud and it was exhausting him.
Wuxian was confused. He has no idea why his mind was shutting down. Why was his energy depleting within seconds? What triggered this state?
The first thirty minutes went in a blur. Wuxian was laying on the sofa, feeling warm with the hoodie on yet inside his chest was only coldness. His thoughts were a mess, so many that he couldn’t understand some of them. Everything was mixing together and making sense, yet at the same time, nothing he thought did.
After laying on the sofa for half an hour, his mind slowed down until a few thoughts finally made sense. However, they felt like a stab to his already suffering heart. The same heart that was beating a bit too fast than it should, as if it wanted to jump out and leave Wuxian.
Just like you deserve.
Wuxian closed his eyes when the first thought hit.
That’s right. You’re not worth anything.
If he could, he would scream. The lack of control over his body prevented that from happening.
You don’t deserve people caring about you.
Something was stuck in Wuxian’s throat. Something that prevented him from speaking. Something that was choking him.
Lan Zhan doesn’t actually like you. He’s just being nice. One day he will leave too and you deserve that.
The thought made Wuxian shiver. It felt so real, so true. All the “I love you” that Wangji had once said were nothing against Wuxian’s thoughts.
You don’t matter.
You never did and never will.
Who are you again? Not someone significant for sure.
Wuxian thought he would go insane if this continued but he didn’t know what to do to stop it. He had his eyes closed tightly, hugging himself and hiding his face in the pillow that he laid on.
Sadly, that was the point. He couldn’t do anything. The firm want to not see anyone, hear anyone, to be left alone could not be fought. Nevertheless, something did calm him down. A sound, or two, made him relax his hold on himself. Wuxian was sure that there would be small bruises later. He didn’t care.
He recognized the sounds instantly. First of all, that was the song he would always listen to calm down, to ground himself. The song that comforted him the most. It was being played on the piano that they had, his favourite instrument.
Wuxian focused on the song, following its rhythm, trying to even out his breathing. Slowly, the song helped him calm his mind. To silence it a little. It helped just not completely. He knew that it wouldn’t, it never does but this was a start. When the song stopped, the silence startled Wuxian even if the song faded out softly. He opened his eyes but could only look at what was in front of him.
Wangji sighed, he knew that this wouldn’t help Wuxian so he connected the speakers to his phone and played a playlist. The first song to play was the one he just played on the piano. He walked towards Wuxian, to check on him a little. His eyes were unmoving but at least he had opened them.
At the time, Wuxian felt like flying. Like he left his body and flew away from everything. He felt such calmness while listening to the song that it scared him. As if weight was lifted off of his chest and made it lighter. Wuxian himself felt as light as a feather. He genuinely felt that and started hoping that all of this will just fade away, that this moment will become nothing soon. And it will, he just needed more time.
Wangji sighed a little and sat down close to his partner, just not too close. He listened to the songs that were being played, getting immersed himself, and waiting.
Wuxian was a lot more responsive now, but Wangji knew better than to try and do anything else. They learned it the hard way when something similar happened. They were out with the Jiang siblings and Wuxian just slipped into this state. No one noticed, not until they finally realized that it was too silent. Wangji didn’t say anything but Jiang Cheng was the first one to react which was his mistake.
He tried talking to Wuxian, asking him what was wrong. And as he got more worried, his voice got louder. Which made everything worse.
“Hey, come on, talk to us. What’s going on?” he asked, not getting any response from Wuxian which made frustration rise. “Come on, say something!”
No one noticed how tears welled up in Wuxian’s eyes.
“STOP TALKING TO ME!” he shouted back at his brother. This shocked the three of them and everyone around. After that, Wangji slowly guided Wuxian back to the car. They went home and Wuxian shut himself out from everyone for a few days. It was torture for Wangji since he did try asking what was wrong, he tried talking yet received no answer.
Three days later, very late in the evening, Wuxian still wasn’t sleeping and Wangji knew that. He was keeping an eye on him, waiting for his partner to fall asleep.
“I’m sorry,” was what Wuxian said after three days of silence. His voice was silent and broke at the end. Wangji instantly noticed how his partner started to shake. He shuffled closer to Wuxian, who turned around and hid his face in Wangji’s chest, holding him tightly as if his life depended on it.
Since then, Wangji knew that it was best to just wait for Wuxian to open up. The longest it took without counting in the three days was only one day. Sometimes he would respond a few hours later, it was never the same and impossible to predict.
That was what Wangji was doing now, giving Wuxian space and hoping for him to come back quickly from whatever dark palace he entered, only when he was ready.
This went on for a few hours. The music never stopped. Wangji went to prepare dinner. He brought the plate to Wuxian. It wasn’t as full as his since Wangji knew that his partner won’t be able to eat much now. Not in this state. But what mattered that he still ate something, even if he was somewhere else. Wuxian’s body simply worked on autopilot.
Only when after washing the dirty plates and leaving it all to dry, when Wangji walked to the living room again, that was the moment Wuxian responded.
“Lan Zhan,” he whispered. Wangji sat down next to him in an instant. Wuxian slowly sat up and looked at his partner, with tears in his eyes. He looked like he was still holding back. Wangji simply opened his arms, letting Wuxian come himself and not rushing him. Wuxian slowly leaned into his partner’s hands. Wangji laid down so it would be more comfortable for both of them. He hugged Wuxian closer to himself, slowly running a hand over his back, in a comforting way. His lips were close to Wuxian’s head.
The music was playing in the background, making the atmosphere around them warm.
“It’s okay, Wei Ying,” Wangji said. He leaned in to leave a kiss into Wuxian’s hair. “Let go.”
That is when Wuxian finally broke down. He closed his eyes tightly and hid himself again. Tears ran down his face as if a dam had been broken. Sobs were shaking him whole but with Wangji holding him tight, it wasn’t that bad.
Wuxian cried, and cried, and cried. Letting it all out. Letting his pain flow free. Exposing himself in front of someone he loved. Someone he trusted to hold him when it was hard. To not ask and just be there for him.
Wangji stayed silent, comforting his lover to the best ability. He knew that words won’t help, not right now at least. So he just held Wuxian, giving him a sense of safety and, hopefully, home.
It did work and Wuxian eventually calmed down. After a few long minutes, he stopped crying. The amount of energy he spent on that was uncountable and Wuxian was going to fall asleep right there and then. He was completely spent, the very little energy that he had now completely gone.
Wangji took this as a sign to finally move them to their bedroom. He had no trouble carrying Wuxian and the other didn’t mind it either.
It wasn’t past nine in the evening yet they got ready for bed. Both changed out of their clothes and went to lay down. Wuxian instantly laid down closer to Wangji, hugging him and laying his head down on Wangji’s chest. He could feel the way his lover’s heart was beating and it made the storm inside his chest get smaller.
Not long after, Wuxian drifted off to sleep. Wangji finally could let out a breath of relief. In a way, it was weird to be happy about the fact that Wuxian cried but in reality, this meant that Wuxian let his emotions out. With enough sleep, he will wake up feeling much better. That was what mattered. Wuxian feeling good was what mattered.