Chapter Text
It’s twilight in New York City, and Eiji has been traveling on this bus for what feels like an eternity. Shaking his head, he tries to take in his surroundings. There are a few faceless stragglers, isolated and turned away. A familiar chuckle makes him gasp and he quickly turns toward it. Familiar emerald green eyes glow under a blue hoodie, followed by a mysterious smile. Ash quietly chuckles again and rings the bell to get off. Relieved, Eiji scurries off after him, smiling as he intends to get Ash’s attention. However, Ash ignores him, continuing to walk forward. Frowning, Eiji follows. He quickly realizes that no matter how far he walks, how much he speeds up, Ash’s back remains out of reach. Soon he can’t see him at all through the amorphous crowds, even though he hears a mocking laughter echoing all around him. He knows that Ash can see him; is taunting him. Eventually he’s skirting around corners, dashing through alleyways, all to no avail. Tears of frustration burn as they fall onto his face, and loneliness overwhelms him as he falls to his knees.
“Ash! Ash come back. This isn’t funny!” he shouts, pleading. “Don’t…don’t leave me here…I’m sorry…”
A loud thud jolts him from the nightmare, leaving Eiji’s heart pounding for a few moments afterwards. The digital clock reads 11:37AM, and he sighs before rolling onto his back and squeezing his eyes shut. This is the third time he’s slept later than 9AM this week alone; his sleep schedule is in tatters. So much for being an “old man” like Ash suggests.
Shit- Ash!
Disoriented, Eiji rolls out of the bed, trying to motivate himself enough to get dressed and start the rest of his day. The rush stops when his muscles relax under the steaming water. An odd image of tea leaves brewing sadness floats around in his daydreams. Tearing himself from the relaxing steam, he dries off, brushes his teeth, lotions, and shoves on some comfy gray sweats and one of Ash’s cashmere sweaters. He won’t tell Ash, but the softness of the sweater and the familiar smell really make him feel more secure. If anyone looked at him from the outside, Eiji seems perfectly put together.
The front door slams shut as he enters the living room area, and he can’t help but flinch as the positive mindset falls apart already. It’s just another reminder that he’s technically trapped here, alone; that the world’s too dangerous for ‘somebody like him’ to handle. It’s a bitter pill, especially on a day like this.
“No matter,” he murmurs. “I’ll just make something to eat.”
Thirty minutes later, he’s standing in front of all the open cabinets, and he still hasn’t chosen something to make. He’s hungry, he knows he’s hungry, and yet every-fucking-thing in these cabinets require cooking and he doesn’t feel like cooking and at this point he just won’t eat and-
Pausing, Eiji takes a deep, rattling breath.
And another.
And a third.
“Uh, hey lil’ guy, you okay?”
Jumping out of his skin, Eiji turns to see Kong staring at him with concern. Bones darts around for the paper towel roll, before tearing off a piece and handing it to him. “You’re cryin’! Did you hurt yourself?”
Flushing red, Eiji quickly wipes the tears that he didn’t know were falling and gives his best attempt at a smile. “No, no, I didn’t hurt myself,” he mutters. “I’m okay. I just have a headache is all. Thank you for asking.”
“But you-” Bones is quickly nudged into silence by Kong, who glances up into the cabinets.
“Is there something you can’t reach? I can grab it for you.”
“I can reach thi-” Eiji bites his tongue, chuckling in frustration to hold back the snappish retort to his height. “No. I can reach the things. I just am hungry, but I don’t really feel like making anything today. I’m sorry, I know you both like when I make treats, I’m just- I’m tired.”
“Well we can go grab some burgers, maybe a box from that donut shop ‘cross the street! No worries, Eiji! You just sit down and relax!” Bones gives him a wide, gaping smile, and Kong lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. Eiji is already apologetic for almost snapping at him, feeling unworthy of the support.
“All right. Thank you.”
He nibbles at the food even more slowly than usual, doing nothing to placate Bones and Kong’s concern.
Eiji is only fourteen when his heart truly shatters for the first time. He’s walking home from school, swinging his eight-year-old sister’s hand. Things have been stressful at home, but as with every walk home, he’s hoping for a better day today. The severe arguing between their parents, brought on by an already tense marriage, had cut off when his father passed out and was taken to the hospital. Their mother was very excited this morning, and he knew that they were visiting him. Maybe things had gotten better between them? Even though he’d never been very outwardly affectionate, Eiji knew his father loved both his children dearly. The lack of his strong, determined presence has been a little scary, but Eiji’s been doing his best to be strong.
A cheerful wave distracts his sister from reaching their small home; as she goes to speak to the little girl next door, Eiji quietly opens their front door and slips in. Ready to announce himself, he pauses when he hears odd thumping noises. Stomach sinking, he begins to toe forward.
(He regrets this choice almost every day for years to come; he really should have turned around and run away; even in his youth he was a danger-magnet.)
Just when he’s about to make some noise, make his presence known, he hears something that chills the blood in his veins.
Moans.
Eiji’s gorge rises, and he claps a hand over his mouth.
His father isn’t home. His father is in the hospital.
That’s not his father.
Gods, he doesn’t want to hear this, especially not his mother, especially not when it means-
He stands frozen in disgust, shaking in space, wishing that he could scream to drown out the horrible sounds.
“Kaa-san! We’re home!” his sister’s voice calls out from behind him. She jovially skips to the kitchen, unaware of the panic she’s caused behind the accursed door. His mother quickly slips out of the room in a tightly wrapped robe, slamming the door shut. Her beaming façade immediately shatters when she locks onto Eiji’s horrified expression.
“Ei-chan…Eiji, wait, please, it was a mistake-” Her hand reaches forward, and right before it connects with his face, he sprints toward the front door. As he tosses it open to dash down the steps, he loses his footing.
He’s grasping for the sky, grasping for the pole that suddenly appears, but he’s falling, and the telltale crack of his ankle lets him know it’s all destroyed- his family, his pole-vaulting career, it’s all gone. As he opens his mouth to let out a terrified scream—
Eiji wakes up, covered in sweat and tears, chest painfully tight. It’s a disgusting feeling, and he wants to rinse it all off but-
I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to!
It feels dangerous to get up. Like something bad will happen if he does. Logically he knows nothing will happen. But still…something might. His heart is convinced of it, sunk down deep into his stomach, and remaining there.
There’s no point in getting up either. You won’t do anything new. No one will miss you. No one needs you.
The bad things can’t happen if you don’t get up.
I’m scared. I’m scared…
Eiji finally acknowledges the symptoms- he must be in one of his depressive lows. It would explain the fatigue, the anxiety, the lack of motivation to eat or cook, the easy irritability. It’s so annoying, not to mention what a horrible time for this to happen! The diagnosis leaves him insecure around Ash and his gang because he can see how much they suffer daily. Ash, especially. How dare he be this way when he’s so safe?
He’s been ordering and taking his medication in secret ever since they relocated into the upscale complex, so he thought everything was under control. What could have triggered this latest episode? What happened? Suddenly, a snake-like, mocking tone enters his mind. Yut-Lung.
“I’ll be his enemy.”
“You can’t even get your hands bloody for Ash.”
Of course. And the worst part, is that if he tells Ash what’s going on, he’ll only confirm Yut-Lung’s accusations- that he’s weak, that he’s a burden, that Ash deserves better.
Another part of him screams that that’s not fair. He’s been doing his best to be strong in his own way for Ash- the way he always has. He’s trying. The last time he truly felt like he didn’t have to be strong for someone else was that day at home. He’d spent hours hiding at a nearby park sobbing his eyes out. Then he realized that he’d left his little sister at home. How could he abandon her there? Something clicked, and he realized that he didn’t trust his mother anymore to handle things at home. His father was sick, and his mother was untrustworthy- that meant everything fell to him to make sure he and his sister could live a stable life. So, he wiped his tears, put on a strong front, and went home. He refused to speak to his mother about what happened that day, for a long time.
Not until-
No, I don’t want to think about that right now!
Rolling onto his stomach, he shudders a scream into the pillow, but it’s completely silent- a choked plea for help.
Keep it in like tou-san, until it eventually kills you like it’ll eventually kill him-
Eiji immediately shuts down the resentful thought.
Two hours later, when the clock reads 1:30PM, Eiji finally drags himself out of bed. He only has a most persistent need to pee to thank for that.
Ash isn’t in the condo.
Of course not.
Why would he be?
Kong and Bones know that something is up. Usually Eiji is very cheerful, smiling that warm smile of his as he makes tea and treats early in the morning for everyone, greeting the gang as they meet up for plans. Sometimes he helps to treat any minor injuries when he notices them. He’s truly a mom friend, and you can’t help but feel comfort in his presence. But lately, he hasn’t been waking up at all, and after catching him crying the other day, they know they need to tell Ash what’s up.
However, approaching the boss about it is easier said than done, mainly because the topic of conversation is so…touchy. It’s both a privilege and a danger to work with Eiji. A privilege because first, it means they’re less likely to get hurt in the field. While they didn’t become some of Ash’s most trusted allies being cowards, it’s nice to take a break from the firefights. Second, Eiji’s such a sweet guy, and most importantly he makes the boss happy (though all the treats, drinks and kind words don’t hurt either!)
It’s a danger because if anything ever happens to Eiji, they’ll come face to face with Ash’s fury, and no one (other than Eiji) comes out of that unscathed. Still, they come to a consensus that it would be worse not to tell him, and so they approach the gang leader that evening while he reclines in their dilapidated headquarters. His red Chucks are kicked up onto the table, followed by his classic ripped jeans and black long-sleeved shirt. Anybody else would see a 19-year-old kid scrolling, relaxing, but they know better. He’s a general, a kingpin, poring over something important.
“What?” Ash mutters, not even looking up.
It’s enough to cause nervous heart palpitations, and they turn to look at each other to build moral support. For Eiji!
“Welllll-”
“If you’re just going to goof off or waste time, do it out of my light.”
“It’s-” Bones starts. “It’s about Eiji, Boss.”
The change in demeanor is immediate; Ash clicks the phone off and looks directly at them, frowning.
“What about Eiji? Is he okay? Is something wrong?”
They lock eyes again and sigh. That is clearly the wrong reaction, as Ash is on his feet and headed toward the door in an instant.
“Wait, wait! Boss!” Kong cries after him. “He’s not hurt or anything, it’s nothing like that!”
“Then what is it? What’s wrong?” Ash hisses, scowling as he spins around. They flinch back, but soldier on.
“We saw him crying the other day!” Bones yelps, before tossing up his hands.
Ash’s body seems to turn to stone. “Crying?”
Kong nods. “Something’s been off about him lately. He’s normally up early, super smiley, happy, you know? But lately, he hasn’t even been waking up. The other day we didn’t see him until after one in the afternoon. And then the crying. I don’t think he’s really smiled at all recently.”
“He hasn’t been baking, or even eating, we think.” Bones adds.
“Are we talking about Eiji? Because I noticed that too. So have some of the other guys.” They turn to see Alex sitting nearby, mildly perturbed. “The cookies and other stuff for the gang. They love it. Those snickerdoodles were an amazing morale boost.”
“The cinnamon ones? Those were fire,” Kong happily notes, memory of the sweet smell leaving his mouth watering.
“But lately he hasn’t made anything. Not that it’s about us,” Alex placates, tilting his head in assent, “but still. Sweet kid. He shouldn’t ever not smile.” The unusually warm sentiment from his second in command makes Ash’s brow furrow further.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Boss,” Bones finishes, twiddling his fingers. “But I think maybe you should talk to him? He always seems happier when you’re around.”
Ash’s face smooths out, hiding all trace of emotion. “All right. Thank you both for telling me. I’ve got it. Alex, I’m headed home early, make sure shit doesn’t fall apart here.”
“Yes, Boss.”
As soon as Ash’s back is out of sight, they all exhale in relief.
-----
Ugh! I can’t fucking believe everyone else had to tell me something was up! Why didn’t I notice?
Fury burns in Ash’s heart, speeding on his bike through traffic to get back to the condo. How could he be so blind? He’d noticed the late sleeping, but he thought that Eiji was simply adjusting to a new schedule. But not eating? Crying? How could Eiji be in that much distress and he not realize? Granted, he was in the middle of leading a gang war. There were major forces that wanted his head on a silver platter, and he had to outthink them all at once, 24/7. So of course, he was busy. But the guilt still stung as he rushed inside, slowing only to kick his shoes off at the door.
“Eiji! I’m back!”
The lights are almost completely off, except for the lamp in the main room. The lowering sun glows orange across the floor, shadows stretching behind. It’s eerily beautiful, and strangely despondent. There’s no response, and Ash almost fears the worst until he notices Eiji silently curled up in a chair, wrapped in a blanket. The mug of tea grasped in his hands is still full, no longer steaming. He’s staring blankly out of the open window, faint circles rimming his eyes. Ash is immediately disconcerted by the lingering silence; maybe Eiji is angry at him? He was purposely loud enough when he entered.
“Hey, onii-chan. You have to drink the tea, not play with it.”
Eiji’s flinch is microscopic when he meets Ash’s eyes, but it quickly fades as he chuckles.
“Good evening to you too, Ash. And how are you doing?” His quiet voice is friendly, teasing even, but the strain is audible.
Ash frowns, holding a hand to Eiji’s forehead.
“You don’t feel too warm… Do you feel faint? Nauseous?” He gently removes the mug from Eiji’s hands, frown deepening when he notices how Eiji’s fingers frantically scramble for something to grip. “What’s going on? Everyone’s worried about you.”
And I’m a fucking idiot for not worrying about you sooner.
It feels a little too embarrassing for him to vocalize something so sentimental.
“I’m fine, Ash. Don’t worry about me.” Eiji’s gaze drifts back to the window.
It’s a lie. Eiji has always been a terrible liar, but this time is different. The words are automatic, as if he isn’t even bothering to make it believable. Ash scans the room again, feeling the emptiness settling in. It’s a familiar emotion; being caught in a space that supposed to be opulent, to fulfill every need, and yet it only serves as a cage. Eiji’s trapped, and it’s starting to show. Ash quickly forms an idea.
“Hey, Eiji.” He kneels by the chair, smiling. “Would you like to come out with me to the bar tonight? I can invite everyone else out, it’ll be fun.” Placing a gentle hand on Eiji’s knee, he squeezes the same way Eiji does for him. It’s a little awkward, but sweet and well-intentioned.
Eiji lifts an affectionate hand, cupping the side of Ash’s face. “You’re not too busy?” he whispers, giving him a hopeful look. “I know you have a lot to worry about.”
You’re one of the more important reasons I worry. After a moment, Ash melts into his hand like a cat, burning with affection. “Don’t stress. We’ll get you out of here for a little bit, let you stretch your wings. Spend some time together. What do you say?”
A small but true smile stretches across Eiji’s face, his body relaxing. “I’d love to, Ash.”
“Mm. Maybe if you’re really feeling good, we can run away together into the night on my motorcycle.” It’s only half of a joke.
Rolling his eyes, Eiji stands and stretches. “I’m not that naïve, contrary to popular belief. Let me go put some real clothes on.”
“Just dress comfortably. But not the bird shirt. Anything but that ugly bird.” As Eiji flips him off and leaves the room, Ash’s phone buzzes; it’s Shorter. “What’s up?”
“I heard our boy isn’t doing too well. Whose face am I bashing in?”
Ash snorts. “I’ve got a few people you could take out since you’re feeling so generous. Anyway, we’re meeting at the usual kickback place tonight if you wanted to join. I know it’ll make him happy to see you.”
“Aw, of course I’ll come out for my little buddy! You just make sure he gets there in one piece.”
With zero exaggeration, Ash would give his life for Eiji. Shorter doesn’t even need to tease about something like that.
“I will. See you.”
Eiji returns wearing a soft, baggy sapphire blue sweatshirt that exposes the top of his collarbone, and some black fleece joggers. It’s still a ‘cozy’ outfit, the most casual he’s ever seen Eiji, but the brilliant color brings out the chocolate brown of his eyes and emphasizes his tan skin. His eyes are down demurely, lips bitten bashfully.
He’s stunning, Ash thinks with a blush. After shoving on his converses to hide his wide-eyed expression, he holds open the door and spins his motorcycle keys in his hand.
“Ready?”
Eiji gives him a shaky smile. “As I’ll ever be.”
His voice is still quiet, unsure. Before he can talk himself out of it, Ash holds out a hand, and Eiji flushes before taking it and squeezing. He lets himself be pulled out of the condo.