Work Text:
Having amnesia sucked in a variety of ways.
For one, Vanya had no idea where she came from or what she’d been doing prior to being hit by a car in Dallas. She didn’t talk or dress like the people around her did, which had often made her wonder if she’d just fallen out of the sky one day. Until she found out that was literally the case. What was worse was that Vanya had no idea who she really was- all she had was a first name, not even a last one to sit neatly next to it in the missing ads- or at least who she’d been before.
Everything she knew now had come from complete strangers, none of which talked or dressed like her either. Vanya was pretty sure that they were telling her the truth about everything, (big happy family with nice cuddly father etc.), but there was no way of knowing for sure. Not until she remembered for herself. Her family didn’t know the answers to everything either- or, at least, didn’t want to tell her.
So, Vanya was surprised to find out that she was anxious about stepping into the elevator with the rest of her siblings. Just thinking about it made her chest feel tight and her breath catch in her throat. It was the same sort of fear that always filled her when she woke from a nightmare. A feeling of panic that grabbed hold of her and refused to let go, shaking her violently. But this just seemed to come out of nowhere, no warning at all.
Staring at the elevator, she felt vaguely sick.
“Come on, Vanya,” Allison said, holding the door open, “It probably won’t be as bad as you think. What, has Diego been telling you horror stories about Dad?”
From the back of the elevator, Diego protested, “She deserves to know the truth.”
Vanya didn’t want to get in that elevator. She really didn’t want to. But since she didn’t know how to put the fear into words, (and since she didn’t want to waste her new family’s time), Vanya just reluctantly hopped inside and tried to push down her fear. She drew in several long breaths as the doors slid closed in front of her and trapped her inside. Immediately, she regretted not taking the stairs instead.
Horror stories about Dad. The discussion they’d had back at the TV store suddenly surfaced in her mind and Vanya gulped as she remembered: her father had locked her up. Was that why being shut in this small metal box caused her heart to pound frantically in her chest? Was she claustrophobic? Vanya could see herself reflected in the double doors and noted that she looked pallid, sweaty. Her entire body was trembling from head to toe, even as she willed herself to be still.
“Hey, hey, Vanny,” Klaus reached forward to plant a hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Glancing back at him, Vanya realised that he didn’t look much better than she did. He was gripping his flask so tightly that his knuckles had turned white and there was a curious look on his face, as if he might snap any second. Even with his sunglasses on, she could see Klaus’ eyes darting about. Looking for an easy way out, she thought, as she watched her brother take a swig from his flask. He was scared too. And he didn't want to mention it to the others either.
“What’s going on?” Luther inquired, looking between the two of them.
“I just- I just don’t feel good,” Vanya admitted honestly, “Klaus was trying to help.”
For a moment, Luther seemed to consider this and then deem it an acceptable response. He looked unsure of what to do, going to put his hand on her shoulder and then realising that Klaus’ was already there, his hand hovering awkwardly for a second before dropping back to his side. Luther was a very awkward person but at least he was quick to buy their bullshit without a second thought. On the other hand, Diego didn’t let the issue drop so quickly.
He rolled his eyes, “Bro, it’s because you locked her up.”
He had? Was that what he had been trying to apologise for back at the barn?
Luther opened his mouth to argue but Allison cut across him smoothly, “Are you okay, Vanya?”
Now, all eyes were on her when she wanted it the least. Even without her memories, she knew that she hated being the centre of attention under any circumstances. Vanya sorta wished that a hole would open up in the ground and swallow her right now. Her breathing was still a little too quick and there was an acidic taste in the back of her mouth that told her she was anxious. Understatement of the century. As she fumbled to think of a response, Vanya was surprised by the sob that escaped from her lips.
She hadn’t even realised her eyes were hot and wet with tears.
“Everybody give her some space,” Five ordered quickly, taking his own advice and pushing himself into the corner of the elevator.
Klaus snatched his hand away as he pressed himself against the back wall, looking grateful to be resting against something solid. He averted his eyes politely, as if to give her some privacy to collect herself. Vanya was grateful. The rest of them did the same, trying to shuffle as far away from her as was possible in the tiny space. Poor Luther looked distraught by how much room he was taking up in the elevator, probably blaming himself for making her cry in the first place.
It wasn’t his fault though. There was some sort of innate fear buried deep inside her, which had crawled its way up to the surface, that Vanya realised now had always been there. A phantom memory surfaced of her pacing the length of a small, dimly lit room. The feeling of hammering her fists against a glass door until she thought the bones in her hands would shatter. Much like her nightmares, the memory slipped away before she could dig her nails into it. So close.
“I-it’s fine,” Vanya sniffed, tears rolling down her face now, “I’m sorry.”
Allison shook her head, “You don’t have to apologise.”
Her sister smiled fondly at her from where she was leaning against the elevator wall, looking as pretty and perfect as ever. But there was a sadness underlying her words that Vanya didn’t have time to dissect. She wasn’t sure why Allison reached up to touch her own throat, running her finger along a scar there and wincing, but her stomach lurched unpleasantly. For a moment, Vanya thought her wobbly knees might give way but managed to stay upright, leaning against the closed doors. Her face was wet with tears now, as was her shirt from where they'd landed, and her nose was disgustingly snotty.
Her brothers and sisters didn’t seem to mind that she was upset. None of them seemed all that surprised either, now that they knew the reason behind it, and they were all offering her sympathetic looks. Except Klaus, who looked a little nauseous and sweaty himself. She really hoped that he didn’t throw up on her. She’d borrowed these shoes from Sissy and would be so embarrassed if she returned them covered in her brother's puke.
“We’re all screwed up where Dad’s concerned,” Luther offered her a handkerchief from his pocket and she took it gratefully, ignoring the small specks of blood on it.
Vanya blew her nose and wiped away some of her tears, “Was he that awful to us?"
Her siblings bristled, as if they none of them wanted to answer the question. From what little Vanya knew about her father, he wasn’t exactly the best man or the ideal father. But surely, it couldn’t have all been bad. There must have been good moments now and then? She thought about her home on the farm. It was true that Carl wasn’t a great father- often talking down to his son or shouting at him if he had an episode- but he still loved his son more than anything in the world. A kind of love still surfaced in his eyes when he looked at Harlan. It made her second-guess her decisions.
Vanya wondered if her father had ever looked at her with love in his eyes. She bit back a sob.
“He was a monster,” Diego said finally, “But you’ve got us now.”
Back at the TV store, her brother had seemed so tough and no-nonsense to Vanya. He carried knives with him like most people carried purses, after all. But there was a surprisingly tender expression on his face as Diego looked at her, which said even more than his words did. Vanya thought that if it was just the two of them here, with nobody else around to judge him for it, he might have hugged her. As it was, Allison was the one to step forward and wrap her arms around Vanya.
The weight of her sister’s body pressed against hers was grounding and a feeling of warmth flooded through her chest when Allison hugged her. It was nothing like being hugged by Sissy, although she enjoyed it just as much- this was more familiar, felt more like coming home. Vanya loved the feeling of her sister’s long hair tickling her skin and the pleasant, fresh smell of her shampoo. Vaguely, Vanya remembered being hugged by Allison before: none of the details surfaced.
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Her sister released her.
“Are you okay now?” Five asked, his face still pinched with worry.
It was a peculiar expression to see on such a young face. Vanya bobbed her head, taking a few more deep breaths. She was grateful to leave the elevator and step out into the tiki restaurant, which was pleasantly (if garishly) decorated. The vibrant colours were enough to catch her attention and draw it quickly away from the throbbing nerves in her chest. A calming soundtrack playing over the speakers and it reminded her of the beach, though Vanya had no idea if she’d ever been to one before. As she approached the table, tracing the wooden surface with her index finger, Vanya tried to summon any memories of her father.
Nothing came to mind but the wave of fear crashed over again violently.
Right. So, Vanya wouldn't be trying that any time soon. She swallowed hard, dabbing at her eyes again before tucking the handkerchief away in the pocket of her jeans, and turned her attention back to her siblings. Klaus was arguing with Diego at the bar, snatches of conversation about ‘sobriety’ and ‘relapse’ reaching her ears, and waving his arms about wildly to emphasise his point. The rest of them were having more tame conversations, Allison and Five talking about their plan of action over a conch shell. Vanya wondered if she’d read Lord of the Flies in her past life too. She'd borrowed Sissy's copy... About a fortnight ago now.
“Hey,” Luther sidled over to her, “I can understand if you don’t want to do this, Vanya. It’s not too late to back out.”
“No, no, I-“ Vanya gave him a nervous smile, “Thanks but I really do want to meet him. Maybe, uh, it will jog my memories a little? Being around family?”
He winced at this but nodded sympathetically. Although Vanya had no idea what part he had played in her past life, it was clear from his repeated apologies that he wasn’t keen for her to remember and part of her wondered if she didn't want to know either. No matter what, though, Vanya had already decided to forgive him for it. Her big brother didn’t seem like the type to hurt people intentionally and if he had done something wrong without thinking, Luther deserved a second chance.
At the bar, Diego had triumphantly encouraged their brother to hand his drink over and was now ushering him towards the table- of course, Klaus was whining loudly in protest but stumbling along reluctantly. Allison turned to Vanya, her eyes still filled with concern, and opened her mouth to say something. Before she could get a word out, Allison was cut off by the sound of doors swinging open behind her. It was clear in the way that everyone tensed up that Reginald Hargreeves had arrived.
Yes, having amnesia definitely sucked. But Vanya thought, as she shuffled over to the table, that she was probably glad not to remember some of her past. Especially if it was as bad as her siblings insisted it was and especially if just the sight of their father made all of them shrivel in fear. Maybe knowing where she came from and what she’d been doing would be even worse than not-knowing. After all, like Carl had said, there were some benefits to having a blank slate. New timeline, new me.
However, as Allison shot her a smile, Vanya wished she could remember the good bits.
Like spending time with her family.