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”What happened?”
“The same thing that always happens. I made a wish and I couldn’t take it back.”
As she looked at Luther’s eager face, the conversation surfaced fleetingly in her mind before she was able to push it back down. Bury it in a shallow subconscious grave. It had been years ago now, for her at least, but Allison still remembered the look on his face. As if he’d only just realised the dark potential of being able to ask for anything you wanted. Everybody always told her that they were jealous of her superpower, something beneficial she could turn on and off at will. A superpower? Yeah, right.
Somedays, Allison wondered if she’d fit better as a villain. It wasn't like she wanted to hurt anyone or take over the world or, god forbid, whatever Harold Jenkins had been planning to do with Vanya. She didn't want to be a super villain but couldn't help feeling that life had cast her in the role. Only choice had stopped her going down that path. Still, Allison had used her powers to manipulate her way through life and every time Luther stumbled over himself to talk to her, it was a reminder of just how selfish she had been.
Politely, she sat down and tried not to look ashamed as Luther scrambled to clear the table. He was so pleased to see her, so desperate to talk to her… Like a lovesick puppy dog. And he had no idea that it was because he was still under Allison’s spell. That he had been ever since they were kids. That the feeling of warmth blooming in his chest had been crammed in there by her "witchcraft" as Diego had liked to call it.
A wave of guilt crashed over her that she managed to smother with a smile.
She couldn’t remember what had been running through her head when she'd done it, only that she was a stupid kid that wanted to feel loved by somebody. As the whole world knew now, Reginald Hargreeves was incapable of giving any love to his children. They’d all been forced to look for it in other places. When she was grown, Allison had found it in fans, interviews, and flatterers. A marriage that she rushed into without considering the consequences. But before she’d had any of that, Luther was the only one who paid her any attention.
She'd attached herself to him like a parasite and refused to let go, even when Luther complained she was "too clingy".
Now, Allison thought he had been trying to play the caring old brother to a needy little sister, like he was supposed to. Why else would he have put up with her? Back then, she had thought it was true love.
”You were a child, Miss Allison.”
But she couldn’t excuse herself anymore.
Deep down, Allison had known even then that she was doing something selfish and wrong. When she shut her bedroom door behind them, dragging her brother to the bed, she had pushed away the uncomfortable feeling that she was doing something unforgivable. Luther had no idea what was going on, under the allusion that she just wanted to hang out with him. When they were kids, Allison had spent a lot of time with him under the pretence of hanging out. She wanted his undivided attention, unwilling to share with the rest of her siblings, until he had finally told her to back off a bit. Be more like Vanya. Terrified he would abandon her, Allison had made up her mind.
She had leaned in close to whisper in his ear, “I heard a rumour that you love me.”
The effect was instantaneous, his eyes clearing and refocusing on her. It was everything she’d ever wanted, her heart beating rapidly like a butterfly flapping its wings, and ignored how wrong it felt when she leaned in to kiss him. His hand had come to rest on her shoulder, warm, heavy, and comforting. Just the feeling that someone cared about her fed the hungry void inside her heart.
Really, they were lucky that Vanya had walked in unexpectedly before they could get any further than kissing, prompting them to jump away from each other. Allison had given her a really hard time about it. Her sister always knocked after that.
Now, as they talked about the rest of their family, Allison couldn’t ignore the guilt eating away at her. Not just how she’d yelled at poor Vanya, who’d just wanted to tell them dinner was nearly ready, but how she’d treated Luther- how she’d drawn him into her own dizzying circle of problems. Since meeting Raymond, something had shifted deep inside her. A realisation that her and Luther had never truly been in love. On her part, it had been a desperate plead for any kind of affection. On his part, he’d been under her control all this time.
None of it had ever been his choice...
She had expected her wish to fade away over time, especially during the years they’d spent apart, but had arrived at her father’s funeral to find Luther couldn’t move on. He still looked at her as if she was the entire world, trapped in times long forgotten. Without even realising it, Allison had been holding him hostage for… how many years now? Looking at him now, (how different he looked to when she’d last seen him), she couldn’t help wondering what Luther would be like if she’d never made her wish.
There was no doubt in her mind that he would be happier.
I heard a rumour… Briefly, Allison considered whether she should attempt to reverse her wish, take it back somehow, but deep down she knew it was impossible. And more than that, it was cowardly. Once she started lying, where would the lies stop? She'd suffocate under the weight of them. Allison thought of how Raymond had looked at her back at the salon, accusing her of faking their entire relationship just to gather information on the movement, and felt like she’d been punched in the gut. No, her marriage to Ray hadn’t been a lie.
But most of her relationships were. Luther, Patrick, Vanya... Claire...
“Allie?” Luther reached over and took her hand, looking slightly nervous to do so.
He must know that it was the wrong, that their entire history was just straight up wrong… The Umbrella Academy might not be blood-related but they’d grown up as siblings, even if they were dysfunctional ones. Everyone had a good laugh at Luther's expense while he'd saved up his allowance to buy her a locket and spent his time hiding in the greenhouse with her.
We all wanted to be loved by a father incapable of giving love, Vanya had written all those years ago. When she’d read it, Allison had scoffed and snapped the book closed, the offending passage lingering in the back of her mind. Even though she’d been dubbed a “Daddy’s Girl” by her siblings, Reginald Hargreeves had never given her the nurturing or affection a little girl needed. Was that why she had clung to Luther for so long? Was it as simple as wanting someone to love her? Was that why she always attached herself to the first man to smile kindly at her?
“I need to talk to you about something,” Allison told him, suddenly, and she met his eyes.
There was so much happiness shining in those blue eyes. She wasn’t sure if she could do this.
“Yeah, sure, what’s up?” He asked innocently.
Shattering the illusion would hurt him a great deal, she knew that. It would be so much easier for the pair of them if Allison took the wish to her grave, never telling anyone about it. She was seriously considering veering the conversation in a different direction, when she remembered Vanya and how she'd slashed her throat for lying to her. Her little sister had been so angry, so hurt to find out that Allison had used her powers to subdue her- even if it had been strictly on their father’s orders. Nothing personal.
However, what had hurt her most was that Allison hadn’t told her until adulthood. She'd kept the wish under wraps so long that it had rotted and grown putrid, driving Vanya to sickness. The longer she held onto her buried secrets, let them gnaw away at her insides, the harder they were going to be to spill. It was only right she told Luther before it went any further.
She withdrew her hand from his, “Do you remember when we first… Kissed?”
Suitably, Luther very embarrassed at her bringing it up. That might be a good sign. Maybe their little relationship being revealed in Vanya’s book and the endless cringing from their other siblings had made him realise it was wrong. For them to be together. It would be easier to cut the entire thing off if he didn’t even want to be with her anymore. But Allison knew it couldn't be that easy: her rumours were almost impossible to break free of, which was what made them so dangerous.
“Why are you bringing this up, Allison?”
Something hardened in his eyes. He was probably thinking about Raymond, imagining the two of them together. When Allison thought about her husband, she felt a little better; not only did he not see her as a villain, (or a hero), but he also loved her for who she was. Even when her voice had been completely missing, her power stripped away to expose her, Ray had fallen head over heels. It was nice to have a relationship that wasn't founded in dishonesty. Maybe her and Luther could rebuild their friendship to be more like that.
Pressing her hands together, she inhaled deeply.
She exhaled.
“Luther, I rumoured you to kiss me,” There was no nice way to say it.
The whole time, she watched his face to study his reaction. At first, Luther’s forehead creased in confusion and he furrowed his eyebrows, like she was speaking Mandarin instead of English. He didn’t seem to know how to process this information, as if it had gotten lodged somewhere in his brain and disrupted the flow of his brainwaves. Then, realisation was quickly followed by a look of hurt that she recognised. I made a wish and I couldn't take it back. He looked eerily like a puppy that had been kicked.
Wordlessly, Luther slumped back in his chair and took a long thoughtful sip of his beer. She tried to imagine what the whole thing must look like from his perspective: an unrequited love story spanning several decades, suddenly shattered by the revelation he’d been forced into it?
Slowly, Luther nodded, “I… I guess I’ve always wondered about it.”
It had never occurred to her that he might have thought about it. When she rumoured somebody, they never had any memory of Allison telling them to do or say something. She wasn’t sure what went through their heads- whether they thought it was their own idea or whether they felt like they were being pushed to do something by some force- but she never guessed Luther might be able to work out he’d been rumoured. Even if he did know about her powers. After all, Vanya had known about her capacity for mind control and still hadn’t suspected Allison using her powers on her. None of her siblings had considered they might be her victims.
Talk about super villain potential, she thought miserably to herself. It had never even occurred to her what might be going through Luther’s head this whole time. Was she that self-absorbed?
“You don’t have anything else to say about it?” Allison raised her eyebrows.
His frown deepened, “What do you want me to say? I forgive you?”
“Do you?”
“Jesus, Allison, I don’t know!” Luther was wearing the pinched expression he usually reserved for when their brothers were being ridiculous, “How would you feel if you found out your first love was a lie?”
First love! The whole idea of them being in love was a complete joke. When they had been children, they hadn't known the slightest thing about love, what it looked like or what it felt like. After all, Reginald Hargreeves had certainly never loved them and while Grace had done her best, she was nothing more than a machine that was programmed to act like a mother. It was hard to feel love from a mother who was as cold as metal. As for relationships... The most stable relationship in their family was Five and his mannequin.
None of them knew a thing about love now, let alone when they were children. Allison had just turned to the first person to treat her like she was worth more than her voice and convinced herself that it must be love. She had wanted to be loved so badly that she had convinced them both that Luther loved her. The whole thing was sickening to think about now. How could she have done that?
“We weren’t in love, Luther!” Without realising it, she had stood up and was now leaning over him, both hands planted firmly on the table, “I was just lonely. I needed someone to rely on-“
He seemed to be growing increasingly irritated, “What, Dad didn’t love you enough so you had to trick me into doing it?”
“Yes, no, I don’t know! It’s more complicated than that!”
Now, both of them were on their feet. Any pretence of an ordinary meal between two siblings had been shattered and they were speaking in raised voices. It was beginning to draw attention from other patrons. Allison felt sick to her stomach, knowing that she was screwing this up exactly as she suspected she would and that saying anything else would only serve to dig herself into a bigger hole. At least he knew now. At least she wasn’t lying to him anymore. Sinking back into her seat, Allison wondered why truth was so much more painful than fiction.
Any momentary happy atmosphere had evaporated now and she got the feeling that, despite what his heart might be telling him, Luther was not so happy to see her now. There was certainly no puppy dog-eyed eagerness anymore and he seemed like somebody had sucked all the air out of him, shoulders slumping forwards in sadness. He was still on his feet, frozen in place like he didn’t know what to do with himself. Eventually, he opted to step back over the bench. Obviously, he wasn’t planning on staying with her any longer than he had to.
Luther didn’t seem to be able to look at her, “Thanks for telling me.”
His words didn’t seem spiteful and there was a tinge of sincerity to them as he turned her back on her. Leaving her again, just like everyone always did. But just like always, she had brought it on herself. It was Patrick and Claire all over again. Opening her mouth, Allison found that she had nothing more to say and just looked down at her hands instead, letting her mouth fall closed. What was wrong with her? Why did she always draw people in by lying to them and then drive them away when she told them the truth?
Briefly, she had considered telling Raymond the truth about where she came from and what she had done to stop that cop from killing him. She could walk right back into that hair salon and tell him the truth- no more lies. Now, though, it seemed obvious to her that it was more likely to hurt him than it was to help. She didn’t want to hurt anyone else if she didn't have to.
Allison leaned on the table and let her head rest on her arms.
Honest tears leaked from her eyes.