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Noel had her permit lying in her desk. She didn’t ever take it out. Not since her sophomore year of high school. She hadn’t driven since February of sophomore year. She remembered it well. She didn’t make it off the street before having to pull over so she didn’t have a panic attack in the middle of the road. Sam had yelled at her when she got home with Charlotte, white as a sheet of paper and shaking like a leaf. She didn’t drive again.
She was 18 now. Walking everywhere was making her tired, and it was cold. She needed to drive, but the thought of driving made her chest tight and hands shake. She was getting sick of asking Lex for rides. She felt bad about always mugging rides off her with nothing more to give than thanks and a shitty coffee for free.
“Lex,” Noel said softly one Sunday afternoon, lying with her head on Lex’s stomach as Lex scrolled through her phone, her hand in Noel’s hair. “I was thinking about driving again.” She’d just come over after work, joining Lex for a relaxing afternoon before they had to face school again for the next week.
“You know you don’t have to.” Lex said, glancing down at her. “I’m more than happy to drive you around, Ellie.” She twirled a curl around her finger and unravelled it. “Plus, I’m not complaining about getting to see you all the time whenever you need a ride.”
“I know, but…” She trailed off, sighing. “I think I want to do it now.” The first time she drove, she felt like she was being forced to. Which she was. Sam had forced her into the car before she was ready. No therapy, no love, just “Get in the goddamn truck.” with keys shoved into her hand. Charlotte had done nothing to stop it. Not like she could. “I think I’m ready. But I don’t know about driving with you. I’m scared to hurt you.”
“Do you want Becky to?” Lex asked, twirling another curl around her finger. Noel hummed as she continued to play with her hair. It was a comforting feeling. If only cars worked so Noel could forever drive with Lex’s hand in her hair, twirling her curls around her fingers. She shook her head in response. “Okay, how about Tom?” Mr. Houston could hypothetically teach her. He didn’t seem like the type to shove her into the front seat of a car. He didn’t seem like the type to scream at her if she began to panic trying to get onto the main road.
“Maybe,” She said, “But later. I’m way too comfortable to move.” Lex snorted. Noel wore nothing but one of Lex’s sleeping t-shirts and the shorts she wore to Beanies. The collared shirt and tie were on the floor somewhere. She wasn’t sure where they’d ended up.
“Can you even move?” Lex teased, uncoiling her fingers from her hair. “Or did we…”
“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Noel sat herself up, pretending to look upset. She dropped the facade and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Lex’s cheek. “I can walk just fine. I just prefer to be cuddling with you instead of discussing my trauma with our ex-shop teacher.” She laid back down, laying her head on Lex’s stomach again. “Plus, it’s much nicer up here with you.”
“For the hundredth time, I’m not going to make you sit downstairs with them alone and talk about everything, I’ve told you this,” Lex patted her forehead. “I’ll go with you when you’re ready.”
Noel was ready when she wanted a cup of tea. Becky had begun buying the type Noel liked on instinct. Noel hasn't even asked about it. She really appreciated it on days like today. She set the kettle down and started the stove, sitting at a stool at the kitchen counter. Becky and Tom were curled up on the couch, Becky writing something down as Tom watched the football game. It was their thing when neither of them worked. Hannah and Tim were outside, playing in the backyard. Lex was looking through her phone, waiting for the kettle to finish.
“Hey, uh, Mr. Houston, Ms. Barnes, can I talk to you guys?” Noel asked once she had her tea. “It’s, um, nothing bad. I think.” She had their attention the second she said their names. Becky nodded and gestured for Noel to sit down and talk. Noel perched herself into the armchair with the purple blanket. It was a throw blanket, one Lex had surprisingly picked out, but it was Noel’s favorite to wrap around herself. She did as she always did, as the adults so gladly knew, and made herself comfortable in the chair to talk.
“Is everything okay, Noel?” Becky asked in her kind, sweet voice. A voice Noel knew, but not as much recently.
“I mean, yeah, everything’s fine,” Noel swallowed her nerves with a gulp of hot tea. It burned a bit but that was okay. “I...I want to start driving. I’ve got a permit and everything. I just need to do it.” She shifted her weight around. “It’s, um, something that really stresses me out.” Lex’s hand rubbing her shoulder relaxed her a little bit.
“You don’t drive?” Tom asked, raising an eyebrow. “Does Lex drive you?”
“Oh, oh yeah, or I walk.” Noel said, looking down at her mug. “Just, um, driving a car makes me really anxious. I get all shaky and panic.” She conveniently left out Sam’s screaming. She sipped her tea again and waited for someone to laugh. Becky didn’t do that, nor did Tom. They sat there listening to her with kind eyes.
“And you want help with that?” Tom asked, looking at Becky. “Beck’s a good driver.” He offered Becky’s help, “And Lex is too.” He gestured to her with a hand, “She could teach you.” Noel’s stomach plummeted and she looked down at her cup again. Maybe this had been a stupid idea after all.
“I think Elle wants to learn from you,” Lex stepped in. “I told her she could ask if she wanted to.”
“From me?” Tom seemed to look a little shocked at that. Becky patted his hand and squeezed it, as if to reassure him. The memory of the car crash that had been on the news a year and a half prior struck Noel.
“Oh, fuck, Mr. Houston, I’m sorry, I…” Noel swallowed, her face flushing. “I completely forgot a-about Mrs. Perkins, I...I forgot.” She forgot about the car crash. She remembered hearing it on the news, Charlotte saying “She was so put-together. It’s such a sin.” for weeks on end. Tom quitting his job at Hatchetfield High during her junior year. Suddenly she felt terrible for asking.
She really didn’t expect Tom to ask her a week later if she wanted to drive. She’d stopped by after work, helping Hannah with her French homework again. Hannah was now snuggled up to her, listening to music and trying to take a nap. Tom came downstairs with his car keys, them jingling as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.
“Hey, Noel, want to go driving?” He asked, making Noel’s eyes go wide. Hannah picked her head up when she felt her tense.
“Uh, I...yeah.” Noel nodded slowly. “Hey, Banana, I’ll be back soon, alright?” She kissed her forehead and laid her head down under a pillow. Hannah nodded and fist-bumped her before letting Noel get her water bottle and fill it. She’d need it. She joined Tom outside the car, taking a deep breath.
“We’ll go down to the ice rink. The parking lot’s empty.” He got into the driver’s seat and Noel got into the passenger side, buckling her seatbelt before taking a sip of water. Her heart was racing already. She didn’t even realize her jaw was clenched until she went to take a sip of water and the tension dropped. He parked the car in a spot and switched with Noel.
She couldn’t describe how she felt. It felt like being dropped into an ice cold pool and being unable to breathe for a couple seconds due to shock. Her ears rang and for a couple seconds, she didn’t know what to do. She took a sip of water, leaning her head back. She could feel Tom looking at her and shame crept into her body. He was going to make fun of her. Poke fun. Yell at her for panicking like a little kid who’d lost their mother in the grocery store.She took a deep breath, then another. Like what she taught Tim to do when he had a scare in the pool and came into Lex’s car crying after he got dismissed from swim practice. She followed what she told Tim to do. What her therapist told her all those months ago before she stopped seeing him out of spite for Charlotte.
“Sorry,” She finally said. She didn’t know why she was apologizing. This was normal behavior, wasn’t it? Didn’t everyone panic at one point or another? Tom didn’t even seem phased. He looked like he was thinking.
“What’d you say your last name was again?” He asked, tilting his head.
“Michaels.” She said. She never took Sam’s last name. Every day, she regretted it. Tom thought before a look of realization fell over his features.
“Your mom’s Adelaide Michaels. That makes sense now.” Tom sucked a breath in. Noel furrowed her eyebrows. “That crash. Like, ages ago. She and her husband crashed on the bridge and almost killed some guy driving too. They had a kid with them. That was you?”
“Uh, yeah,” Noel nodded. “Surprise?” She wanted to sink down into the seat and never come back up. Tom nodded, listening.
“Kid, if you’d told me, it would’ve made a lot of sense. She was, or is, a shitty person. Her husband’s no better. Why am I telling you this as if you don’t know, though? Unless you don’t?” He studied her face. Probably a look of terror.
“Oh, I know,” Noel nodded, sighing and bringing a leg up on the seat once she was sure he wouldn’t kill her for it. “Trust me.” She took another sip of water. He nodded, encouraging her to talk or drink. She didn’t know which. “But I’m fine. Like, I’m stable. I want to drive. Teach me.” She put the bottle in the cup holder and sat forward. Her ears were ringing, but she could still hear Tom giving her instructions.
Going one mile an hour was a perfect speed for Noel. Slow and steady, easy for her to maneuver the Sedan. She did a small circle around the parking lot and then pulled into a spot to take a deep breath and some more water. She was not parked perfectly, double parked, but she was stopping temporarily to take a breather.
“How do you feel?” Tom asked when she took her eighth deep breath of the break. She gave him a small smile and a shaky thumbs-up. Her hands were shaking and she hadn’t even realized. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. My hands are just shaky. It’s fine.” Noel shrugged it off. She could breathe. She could work. She was totally okay right now. Tom was letting her take her time. She liked that. “Sorry, I’m probably making such a big deal out of nothing.”
“Hey, kid, listen. Driving can be scary. Especially if you’ve had a bad experience with a car.” He patted her hand lightly. “But you’ve got this. You’re really careful, which is good, right? You won’t bang up the car that way.” He chuckled, which let Noel relax a little. “How long is your permit good for?”
“Um, I think it expired in February. We waited to get mine.” Noel sank down in her seat. Tom nodded slowly, thinking.
“Well, you’re 18. Do you just go and apply for a license or something? You’re a legal adult.” He shrugged, trying to reassure her that nothing was wrong. Noel shrugged as well. She didn’t know jack shit about driving. It made her head hurt. “Well, we’ll figure it out, alright? For now, you can just drive around the lot and we’ll go from there.”
Going home and jumping into the shower was probably Noel’s favorite part. Letting the hot water steam up the bathroom and calm the last of her overactive nerves. She dried off with one of the towels and put her much more comfortable clothes on. Lex wasn’t home yet from work. She must have been held up. Noel sat down on the couch with Tim and Hannah, watching them play Mario Kart. Hannah was much better than Tim.
“How was driving?” Tim asked once Hannah switched over to Animal Crossing, plopping himself next to Noel on the couch. Noel messed up his hair in a form of affection.
“Not terrible.” She said. “But I’m happy to be back with you guys. What’d you guys do?”
“Becky and I went to go see your aunt,” He stretched out, stealing the blanket. “She called saying she got a letter for you.” The shock that went through Noel was a little more concerning than the driving one. College acceptance letters were coming in. Holyoke would be sending theirs. “So we went and got it ‘cause Charlotte said you would want to open it with Lexie.”
Something inside of Noel twisted with guilt. Charlotte didn’t think she’d want to open the letter with her. That hurt. Charlotte wasn’t her guardian for ten years for nothing. She took a deep breath. “Thanks, Tim. Where’s the letter?”
“On the counter, Lexie said she’d be home soon when Becky texted her.” Tim replied, watching Hannah play. “Ugh, Hannah, can I play?” All he had for a response was Hannah humming along to whatever music she played in her headphones. “Hannah?”
The door opened and closed and Lex balanced two coffees in her hand. “Ellie? I’m home!” She called out into the house, not noticing Noel staring at the counter. Then, it hit her. “Oh, hey, babe.” She put the tray of coffee down and smiled, coming over. “How was work?”
“It was fine,” Noel shrugged. “Auntie Charlotte gave Ms. Barnes a letter for me.” She stood up. Tom was coming down the stairs and Becky was coming inside from the backyard, a small smile on her face as if she knew the contents of the letter.
“Oh, she did?” Lex asked, taking a sip of her coffee. “What is it?”
“No clue, I should open it,” Noel said, going over to the counter. It was a letter from Mount Holyoke College. Her dream school. She could be denied right then and there. She noticed the envelope was already open. “It’s already open.”
“Charlotte read it, dear,” Becky said softly. “She said you should also read it.” She rubbed her shoulder with reassurance. Noel took a deep breath and opened the letter, staring at the words on the paper.
“Read it out loud,” Tim whispered loudly to her. Noel shot him a look before clearing her throat.
“ Dear Noel Michaels, congratulations on your acceptance to the Mount Holyoke College class of 2023! ” Noel shouted, a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. SHe was going to college, her dream school. She threw her arms around the closest person to her, which was unlucky Tim, and squeezed him tightly. “Holy shit! I got in! Holy shit .” She laughed and kissed Tim’s forehead before running into Lex and hugging her too.
“No way! Congrats, babe!” Lex grinned, leaning down and kissing her. The joy Noel felt was immense. Her head felt light as an overfilled balloon. She didn’t want this to end. Her driving anxiety could wait to resurface. Right now, all she was focusing on was the acceptance. “I’m so proud.”
“Thank you,” Noel blushed and smiled when Lex pulled away from her to let Hannah into the little huddle. “Hey, Banana.” She tapped the headphones. Hannah took them off and smiled bashfully up at her. Little brown eyes sparkled back into Noel’s.
“Yay, Ellie! Webby told me ages ago but she told me not to tell you.” Hannah threw her arms right back around Noel, squeezing tight enough to make Noel gasp.
“Well, tell Webby it was a very nice surprise.” She smiled over at Tom and Becky, giving them a thumbs-up. Becky gave one back, and that was all the praise Noel needed to be satisfied. She was really accepted into her dream school. That was all that mattered. Maybe that day was just a lucky one in a bunch. It was hard to believe Noel had really sat in the car with Tom 5 hours before, on the verge of a breakdown, panicking, when she was standing in the kitchen, hugging Hannah close and an unbreakable grin on her face. She really liked this feeling. She never wanted to lose it.