Work Text:
It was 1am in a small town in Hyougo, late enough that even the street lamps had given up, not expecting anyone to be out at this hour, leaving the street bathed in darkness. It was okay. That was how Atsumu liked it, no one could see him as he spent the only private time he was allowed wallowing in his self pity.
He shared a room with his brother, shared a school, classes, club. At any point they would always be together. The invincible Miya twins, the best twins in the league, too bad one of them could only be invincible on the court, Atsumu though to himself. He settled down on the very top of the roof of his house, where the slant of the tiles cascaded down from and a small oasis in the form of a platform stood. He took down his hood and let the rain slowly drip down from his hair to his face, feeling the water seep through his hoodie.
Sighing quietly to himself, he leant back into the dirty puddle that had formed behind him, his mother was probably going to kill him for getting his clothes filthy. Atsumu couldn’t bring himself to care. Most of the time he was fine, he could uphold the careful mask of arrogance he had created for himself, feigning anger and frustration at his brother when really he wanted to break down and cry. His old teammates hated him and truthfully, he didn’t blame them, his drive for perfection made life hell for them. To be honest, he kind of hated himself too.
You may ask, what is Japan’s best high school setter doing alone on his roof in the pouring rain? Well, as Atsumu would tell you himself, he was a mess. He could barely carry this act that he had got himself stuck in anymore, the pressure of his achievements and everyone’s expectations were suffocating, making his expertly crafted persona crack at the edges.
He didn’t want to be likeable, or even popular. It could be fun at times, sure, but that meant that people always wanted to be around him, not giving him a chance to just /breathe/. Another downside was having to crush girl’s dreams as he rejected them week after week, sure they would get over it quickly, but maybe that was what hurt the most. He would be quickly replaced by the next good looking guy they happened to come across, because that’s all he was to people, a pretty face who knew how to hit a ball well.
Nobody cared enough to want to get to know the real him, the vulnerable, insecure him who could see that even his position as best setter in the league would be taken soon by Karasuno’s number 9. If he couldn’t even be the best at volleyball, then what could he do? Thoughts of worthlessness swum around his head with no restraint, Atsumu basking in the misery he had come to feel comfortable in as his tears mixed with the rain. He was stuck in this limbo of wanting someone to come and save him and his intense desire to keep everyone away from this part of himself.
He loved Osamu, and he was sure his brother loved him too, even if they would never admit it aloud. But, Osamu would never understand this side of him, or would think that he was just looking for attention. At least, that was what Atsumu told himself so he would have an excuse to keep his feelings to himself for a little while longer. But it was inevitable that they would burst out in an ugly mess that someone else would have to clean up. He really was despicable, huh? Always relying on others to sort things out for him, his brother was the only reason why he had any friends in the first place, as he was sure that nobody would be able to stand him without the better version of himself to subdue his awful personality.
Osamu always seemed so confident, never faltering, talented in anything he tried his hand at. He was even confident in his decision to leave Atsumu all alone after high school, pursuing his dreams of opening his own restaurant. He really couldn’t blame him, if he were Osamu, he would leave him as soon as possible too.
“Shit”, Atsumu cursed under his breath, he knew better than to think that Osamu’s life decisions had anything to do with him, he wasn’t important and he needed to realise that.
Atsumu reached up and put his upper arm in the puddle, removing it, watching the droplets slide down his arm and then placing it back in the water, letting the bitter cold of the rainwater numb him to the core. He told himself that he needed to do this to realise how little he meant to everyone, that he has to hurt himself until he realised that no one would come to save him, that he had to break down to the point that not even he cared anymore.
He let his arm rest in the mix of freezing cold water and grime from the roof and turned his gaze up to the sky, storm clouds blocking out the stars he usually came up here to see. He liked reminding himself how small and insignificant he really was at times, but he supposed that this was good enough. Atsumu kind of liked the raindrops that felt like small kisses of death, relaxing yet he knew that they would let him slowly freeze if he stayed up here too long.
He would already have a cold after this, which Osamu would smack him for being careless for not bringing a jumper to school, as his twin didn’t know about the roof yet. Atsumu doubted he would ever tell him.
A biting gust of wind blew past, sending shivers running down Atsumu’s spine, but he resisted, this was the only time he got to himself and he wouldn’t sacrifice it for his idiotic body’s inability to keep warm.
Atsumu sighed again, watching the sky as it unloaded it’s frustration on him, he could feel himself shivering as the water had made it through his layers a while ago, knowing that he should probably go in now, yet he was still going to stay a few minutes more, he needed to reassemble his thoughts and pick up the broken pieces of his mask before he returned to his and Osamu’s room.
Atsumu wrapped his arms around himself as if they weren’t as cold and wet as the rest of his body, drinking in the last of his freedom for tonight before he sat up. Brushing what dirt he could off of himself so he didn’t ruin the carpets inside, he then carefully made his way back inside, making sure not to wake his brother up, mask securely fixed to his face.