Chapter Text
Remus sauntered along the riverbank, head lolling from side to side. Upstream, the water shone turquoise in the midmorning sun, its happy babbling echoing off stones in the shallows. The scene made him want to vomit. He looked on with glee as it transformed into something far grimmer where the water flowed past him.
Limpid blue melted into boiling sludge, bubbles rushing to the surface and bursting into clouds of noxious fumes. Dead fish churned in the rapids, the babbling turning to shrieks that sent flocks of birds into the sky. Remus grinned at the turmoil, toothy smile expanding until his face was nothing but a gleaming maw. He was still admiring his handiwork when a shouting came from nearby.
“Hey! Anyone there? Do you need help? I’m coming, just hold on!” came the voice, closer now.
A small figure in overalls came barreling out of the woods. Remus tilted his head, eyes gleaming. A lazy finger came up to point at the person. Almost as an afterthought, he dragged the finger sideways. It was amusing how they went flying, like they’d been tugged by an invisible string. Into the river they went with a splash.
Remus let out a whoop. The body would tumble past him in a second, probably already bloodied from the rocks. Heck, probably still alive! Several moments of passed in eager anticipation, but no body appeared. Huh.
He approached the spot where the person had gone under. Sure enough, there floated a man, head bobbing just beneath the surface. His foot must have gotten trapped by a rock and stuck there until he’d drowned. Normally that sort of death was a little pedestrian for Remus’s tastes, but the trusty stream made it interesting enough. Black muck filled the corpse’s mouth and ears, oozing in and out like someone squeezing a ketchup bottle.
Remus reached down and poked the thing’s forehead. At once, a cyan mist appeared above the water. It shaped into a nebulous silhouette, only the head defined enough to be recognizable as the body below. Though cracked glasses still perched on the body’s nose, the spirit wore none.
It noticed Remus and recoiled. “Oh, hi! Hi there?” The man’s eyes darted around Remus’s face. “Sorry, I’m not totally sure where to look. You don’t appear to, uh, have eyes?” Remus tried and failed to blink in confusion. Right! He considered leaving his face as is, but finally he let the proper features melt back into place.
The spirit grimaced during the transformation, looking away until it was over. Then he asked bluntly, “Did you kill me?”
“Yep! I’ll resurrect you if you want. But then I’ll just kill you again. Maybe with snake venom this time! Do you know what happens if a stake bites you? Basically – ”
“Ah, no! That’s okay, I’ll just stay dead. Thanks for offering though.” The spirit smiled feebly.
“Bummer. Well whatever, see ya never.” Remus rose to leave, but the spirit reached forward with misty arms, expression panicked.
“Wait! Aren’t you taking me with you?”
“Nope. Not interested in the ferrying business. I’m more about the bing bang boom!” Remus threw out his hands in an exploding motion.
“Oh…you mean killing? You like doing it?”
“Yeah, ’course. What could be more fun than watching good stuff turn to rot?”
“What? Plenty of things! I mean, good stuff can be really rare, and that makes it all the more precious. Dontcha think?”
“If good stuff is rare, then opportunities to kill good stuff are also rare, therefore killing good stuff is precious! Boom, logic-ed ya.” Remus grinned.
The spirit breathed a laugh. “I’m not sure that’s how it works, kiddo. I’m Patton, by the way, though I guess you already knew that.”
“Why would I know your name?” Remus asked.
Patton’s brow furrowed. “Because you killed me. That means I was a name on your list, and now, well.” Patton glanced at the putrefying body floating below him.
Oh, this was a treat. “Uh-huh, so you think your death was some assignment by divine providence or whatever?”
“Wasn’t it?” Patton replied hesitantly. He looked away, face falling into something pained and tragic. “I’m not mad about it or anything. I get it. I wasn’t a good enough person, and bad people face consequences. Guess I haven’t even really started facing the big consequences, huh?” Patton’s arms clutched tightly around the vague shape of his torso.
“The big consequences? You’re talking about hell?” Remus asked incredulously. Patton really had no idea why Remus had killed him. He strained to hear as Patton’s voice dropped to a near whisper.
“Yes. I know I deserve it, just…is it okay if I don’t go just yet? If you give me – uh, directions? – I promise I’ll go on my own. Really, I will!” Patton closed his eyes. “I’d just like to soak up a few more moments under the sun.”
Remus stared at the cyan blob in front of him. Normally he never spoke to the things – plants, animals, people – that he killed. Some fatal mayhem and then he was gone. He had more important things to do than chat with the dead, after all.
“…Look. You wanna know the real reason I killed you?” Remus asked, sighing through his nose. “And here’s a hint: it’s not because you were on some ‘eternal damnation’ list.”
Patton sniffled, a few teardrops falling when he opened his eyes to look at Remus, who sighed again.
“It’s because you were yelling. Well, not that you were yelling, but what you were yelling. You were coming to help cause you heard screaming, right?”
Patton swallowed. “Yeah. Was that you?”
“Nope. It was the stream. It shrieks when I get close, same way it turns into a biohazard. Point is, I killed you cause I could tell right of the bat that you were good. Kind, selfless, moral, whatever. And I kill good stuff. It’s fun, like a game.”
Patton blinked rapidly. Remus could practically see the gears turning in his mind. “So…I wasn’t destined to die today or anything?”
“Nope.”
“And you killed me…because I’m good? Not broken or defective or bad?” Patton’s earnest gaze would’ve made Remus’s heart ache, if he could care about people.
“No. Geez, man. You need to lighten up. At this rate you’ll bring everybody down the second you get where you’re going. No that they’d probably care; the fuddy duddies up there get off on bullshit like ‘love’ and ‘friendship.’ Dull or what?”
“Up there?” Patton broke out into a hopeful smile. It was disgustingly wholesome.
“Yeah sure, you’ll fit right in with that crowd. Speaking of, how about you get going?” he replied dismissively.
Patton’s face was scrunching and unscrunching in what Remus provisionally identified as an expression of joy. “Yes, great idea! Oh, wow. Hey, wait!”
Remus turned back from where he’d started to leave. Patton made a motion like he wanted to fiddle with his sleeves, except he no longer had any. “You might think it’s ‘BS,’ but truly, thank you. For being my friend today. I really needed one, ha.”
Remus stared, meeting Patton’s gaze for several long moments. Finally, he broke the look to rub the back of his neck. “Uh-huh. It is BS, but – you’re welcome. And thanks, too.”
With one last sunny smile, the mist that was Patton vanished into the sky. Remus felt an odd ache in his chest. When a frog hopped into his vision, he tossed it into the river – like he’d tossed Patton. After a few moments, Remus fished the frog back out and let it hop away.