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1
“I’ve told you about my life, the final wife. ”
Cathy sounds bitter, more bitter than she usually sounds when delivering that line. The other queens have noticed the shift in attitude during the song, of course. But they can’t exactly ask her if she’s okay mid performance. It doesn’t help that she won’t let any of them catch her eye.
“But why should that story be the one I have to sing about?
Just to win? I’m out!”
She finally turns to them, if only very briefly, with frustration in her voice and in the way she walks across the stage. There’s a bit of a growl in her words, as if she’s arguing with someone. The next line, though, sounds sarcastic, dry. As if the words that Cathy herself wrote are beneath her. As if they aren’t right.
“That’s not my story, there’s so much more-“
She goes back to being angry. Wait, no, hurt? She definitely sounds upset, whether she’s hurting or if she’s enraged.
It’s like she’s just going through the motions, like she’s detached herself from the song. That can’t be a good thing. Her song is meant to represent her, she’s so proud of it. They watch Cathy go through the dance during her faster bit, and then things get even more concerning when suddenly she stops.
“I even got a woman to paint my picture!”
There’s so much more emphasis on this part than usual. They’re not sure if they should credit it to the lack of choreography, as they’ve also stopped behind her, or the hysteria in her voice.
“Why can’t I tell that story?”
She’s singing faster, fast enough that she’s slightly off beat. The audience doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss, but the other five queens do, it’s throwing them off so much that Anne nearly misses her line in the dialogue bit between I Don’t Need Your Love.
Then, as though Anne’s hesitance to answer threw her off kilter, Cathy pauses and then snaps back to normal. Gone is this new portrayal of The Survivor, Catherine Parr, her usual quieter character fully returning. For the rest of the show, Cathy is back to how she typically plays her character. But she still doesn’t quite catch anyone’s eye.
It’s after stagedoor, after the crowds and the signing and the pictures, even after they all head back up to the dressing room to grab their things to leave, when they finally address it. They get in their minivan, and wait until they’re all situated. Cathy is in her usual middle seat in the middle row of the van, with her seatbelt on and ready to go as Kitty and Anne sit on either side of her. She can’t run off, though she doesn’t look like she wants to. Truthfully she looks completely fine, as though she’s not expecting them to ask. She might not be, she’s been acting as she usually does after a show. Tired but content, grateful to let the other more rowdy members of the group fill the ride home with topic-less chatter.
What does tip her off to the slightly off mood of the group, is when Aragon doesn’t even turn on the car. They all sit there in silence for a bit, and upon seeing Cathy’s confused face, Jane decides to break it.
“So, Cath, working on some new delivery of your lines?”
The woman looks even more confused for a moment, then a look of realization passes over her face and she laughs the question off, albeit nervously.
“Oh! Yeah, and I guess I got a bit too into it. Sorry if it threw you off a little. Should’ve warned you I was doing that.”
Anne speaks up from beside her, clearly trying to sound casual. It comes off as concerned regardless, though.
“Right, yeah. That’s fine and all, but it sounded a little… intense .”
“Intense?” Cathy echos, looking even more confused by her friend's concerned behavior.
“Well,” Aragon tries to make the meaning a little more clear, “you sounded, best case, angry- or sad.”
Cathy locks eyes with her in the rear view mirror, “And worst case?”
“Desperate. You sounded desperate.”
They all turn to look at Kitty, who knows all about getting so into her song it sounds more intense than she means for it to.
“Like you were trying to make people hear you.”
Anna nods from the way back of the van, “That sounds right. Are you okay, Cath?”
Cathy looks around at her friends with an unreadable expression on her face. Then, she nods.
“I’m good. Just trying some new stuff out. Sorry if I concerned you.”
They all reluctantly take her word for it, and Aragon pulls the car into drive.
2
That might have been the end of it, if it didn’t only get worse from there. It’s been about four shows since that night, and each one gets more intense. It all comes to a head when Cathy starts sobbing during the beginning of her song.
“I’m holding back my tears tonight.” Turned into a husky attempt at actually holding back tears, and then as the song went on she kept crying harder and harder. Even the part where she’s telling off Henry comes off as sad. And then, at the same part this all started with, she was barely getting through it. To the point that before Anne’s line after the disappear riff she took a minute before speaking. If only just to give Cathy some time to pull herself back together.
It seems to work the same as the first time. Cathy snaps back to herself when Anne doesn’t speak right away, and then they continue the show like normal. The audience seemed to love the different portrayal of Parr, though. From the stage they can see quite a few of them crying right along with Cathy.
After the Megasix they all head up to the dressing rooms to get out of their costumes. It’s mutually decided by all the queens not to wait to discuss it this time. Cathy pulls on her hoodie, and freezes when she sees everyone staring at her.
“Uh, guys?”
“Why don’t we all sit down?” Aragon directs. There’s no room for argument, but that doesn’t mean Cathy doesn’t try.
“Don’t we have to go outside? You know, to see the fans?”
They’re quick to assure her that this will only take a minute, and Cathy hesitantly takes a seat.
“So, we’ve noticed you’re getting a bit more distressed when you sing your song recently.” Kitty tries jumping right into it.
Ripping the bandaid off, it seems like the best way to keep their promise that this will be quick. Cathy seems to have a realization, and she tries to play it off again.
“I’m fine! I promise! I just got too into it, still trying new deliveries and all.”
Anne replies, “Okay, yeah. Except you were full on having a breakdown today. We’re worried, Cath.”
“Crying during a performance is perfectly normal.”
“And we’re not saying it isn’t! It’s just that for you, crying that hard isn’t normal.”
“I just wanted to try something new. The fans seemed to like it.”
Jane leans forward a bit as she answers, “If it’s really you trying something new, then okay, so be it. But if something’s bothering you, or otherwise causing you to act like that, please tell us. We want to help.”
Cathy looks back at them, nodding. Because yes, she does know that they only want to help. But, also, she doesn’t need any help.
“I promise everything is fine, I’m just experimenting. Please stop making such a big deal about it.”
The queens relent, realizing that whatever is happening, Cathy isn’t going to be confiding in them today. She picks up the spare hoodie she keeps in the dressing room, then starts to walk to the door.
“Good, now let’s go to the stage door. I saw this girl dressed as Kitty-she looks incredible- and I wanna ask her if she’s cold.”
3
“Cathy? Love, are you awake?”
Jane knocks on the queen's bedroom door, certain that she is in fact up. There’s no way she’s not awake. The woman never sleeps and there’s light coming from the crack under the door. There’s no answer though, and it’s only eleven thirty.
She tries again, “Cath? Can I come in?”
There’s some shuffling, and the light under the door disappears. Still though, no answer. Maybe she just doesn’t feel up to talk, that’s fine. It’s a little rude that she hasn’t responded at all, but fine.
“I have tea.” She offers, trying once more to get Cathy to answer her. If she doesn’t, then so be it, Jane tried. If she does, then Jane can ask why she hasn’t come out of her room all day.
It’s Jane and Cathy’s day off. And while normally that entails a movie marathon and ordering greasy takeout, Cathy hasn’t even acknowledged the other person left at home with her. She hasn’t come out even to eat.
The door suddenly cracks open. Jane can’t see her face properly because of the lack of light. Neither of them speak for a moment.
Then suddenly Jane remembers why she’d been standing there in the first place. “Tea! I have tea. Here you go”
Cathy takes it gratefully with a quiet thank you. It’s unclear if her voice sounds shaky from disuse or something else, but it’s enough to ring alarm bells in Jane’s head.
“Can I come in?”
Cathy hesitates, then opens the door a bit more, allowing Jane access.
“You’ve been in here all day,-“ she flips the light switch and cuts herself off when she sees the state of the room.
It’s a disaster. It looks like a tornado rips through it. The bed is unmade, sheets and blankets splayed out. There’s unwashed laundry in an ever growing pile on top of the full hamper, spilling out onto the floor. Her desk is cluttered with so many papers and books and journals that it must be hard to keep track of what's there. You can hardly see the floor with how much stuff is laying out.
“Cath, are you okay?”
The mess is concerning. Especially since Cathy is usually so organized. She’s the productive one of the bunch, she likes keeping things in order so that she can get everything done. Jane read somewhere that a messy room is a sign of depression. Is that what’s going on with Cathy?
She tears her eyes off of the sight in front of her to see an equally disheveled Cathy. Her hoodie and sweatpants combo is normal, except she’s been wearing this particular outfit for at least two days. This means she hasn’t even showered, something the two of them are very keen on doing every single day. Dying because of poor hygienic conditions and feeling so sick on the way is a great deterrent from being unhygienic.
Her hair is a disaster, in a three day old bun that’s on its last legs. There are tear tracks under her baggy eyes. The lack of sleep is obvious, and so is her distress. The answer to Jane’s question is clearly no, but the answer she gets is not truthful.
“I’m fine. You know what? I’m not feeling up to company right now. Thanks for the tea.”
Cathy tries to usher Jane out of her room, but Jane stays.
“Hey, wait. Tell me what's wrong!”
“There’s nothing wrong, I’m just tired. I want to sleep.”
“You haven’t even eaten-“
“I’ll eat later. You know I won’t stay asleep all night.”
Jane is practically forced back into the hallway, she turns to face the door a second too late. It closes as she tries to stop Cathy from shutting her out.
“‘Night, Jane!”
4
Cathy’s eyes watch each car pass as she waits for the light to turn green. She’s tense, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as she scans everything around her. Catalina is also quite tense, because a tense driver makes for a slightly freaked out passenger.
She got her permit about three weeks ago and has avoided driving since. But Catalina wouldn’t let her avoid it forever. At least one other person needs to be able to drive in their group. She’s getting tired of being the only one.
“I think That was enough for the day.”
Catalina looks from the road to Cathy, who is staring at the car in front of her down as she starts driving down the street. They’re headed back in the direction of the house now.
“We could probably drive around some more-?”
“I don’t want to.”
The older woman tilts her head slightly, asking why not.
What she gets as a response is a slightly agitated repeat of her statement. Normally Catalina would back off. But clearly something is bothering Cathy and they’re in a car, Cathy can’t run away. Though it does cross her mind briefly that upsetting the person behind the wheel of a moving vehicle is a bad idea, she presses on. It would make for good practice, she reasons.
“We’ve barely been at it for half an hour. We should at least do an hour- turn left here.”
“No, I’m turning right because I want to go home.”
“Mija I really think-“
“Please just respect my boundaries. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
She pauses at that. Cathy is impossibly more tense, leaning forward slightly. She clearly doesn’t want to be in the car right now. But the word boundaries is what gets her. They had a talk about boundaries when they first came back. Cathy had never had a boundary respected in her life.
And something’s been going on with her recently. Something she won’t talk about or even admit to. Maybe respecting the fact that she’s uncomfortable will help her realize she has support?
“Alright.” She concedes. Cathy relaxes a bit immediately.
+1
The door opens slowly, so slow that Anna barely even hears it. It’s honestly a good thing she’s a light sleeper or she might have missed this.
She keeps her eyes closed as whoever opened the door makes their way in. They’re all home right now, so it’s very unlikely that it’s a burglar. It’s definitely not uncommon for any of the queens to sneak into another’s bed for comfort or warmth. A cuddle is not unwelcome for Anna tonight, so whoever this is will not be disappointed.
The person stops at the edge of her bed, silently standing there. Anna can practically hear the internal debate. She has the same one every time she moves to another room during the night.
“Anna?”
Anna cracks one eye open. She’ll be honest, the last person she was expecting to be in her room tonight was Cathy. Not that it’s uncommon, but just that Cathy has been isolating herself quite a bit recently. But again, it’s not unwelcome, so Anna just moves over and holds an arm out.
Cathy smiles slightly. She moves under the covers and allows Anna’s arm to pull her in. It’s then that Anna notices the shaking.
“Cold?” She receives a nod in response.
It’s not actually that cold in the house tonight. The heat is blasting through the house, making the air nice and cozy.
“You sure?” Another, though more hesitant, nod.
Anna wraps her other arm around the woman and pulls her into a tight and comforting hug. She ignores the sniffles coming from the bundle of blankets and hair beneath her chin, because she’s a good friend like that.
They stay like that for a while. Until finally the shaking slows to a stop and Cathy can breathe without a hiccup. Even then Anna doesn’t fully pull away, she just loosens her grip enough that if Cathy wanted to speak she could do so.
“Anna?” The woman whispers.
“Yeah?”
There’s some silence. It’s almost stifling with how much hesitancy is in it.
“You know I love you, right?”
Well then. That’s not what Anna was expecting to hear.
“Of course I do. I love you too Cath.”
“Good.”
Suddenly it hits her. Suddenly, Anna knows exactly what this is about. Why didn’t any of them see it before?
“You know what else I know?”
Cathy looks up slightly, humming. Though she’s still pulled into Anna’s neck, so it doesn’t do much for her sight.
“I know that you love the others. You love us all. And we love you.”
“... Good.”
Anna smiles at the sweetness of that interaction, before continuing.
“ And I know that you are so talented. And caring; you care so much about everything and everyone.”
Ignoring the part about her being talented, Cathy responds, “I care a lot.”
“I know. You also work so hard. Even on things that aren’t even your responsibility. Even when you should rest. You can’t let yourself stop if there are things to be done.”
Cathy nods, but doesn’t respond. So Anna keeps going.
“I also notice how you pay so much attention to everything. You know almost everything about me, and you also know almost everything about the theatre. You’re so observant. You know where everything is at all times, that's really cool!”
Cathy squeezes Anna’s waist, but otherwise lets her keep speaking.
She lowers her voice a bit for this next part in an attempt to be delicate. “I know about you back then, too.”
“Back then?”
She elaborates, “Well, you were a writer. I always admired that.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. And you were also a mother- don’t you dare argue with me, you were a mother. And I admired that too.” She states firmly, with a gentle squeeze to the woman in her arms.
“Thank you.” She whispers, hesitantly.
“And you were so important to women learning about religion. You did that.”
“I don’t-“
“And you influenced one of the most successful monarchs England ever saw. She learned what she knew from you, Cathy. You shaped a whole era.”
Cathy pulls back from the embrace, “You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do,” Anna nods back, sitting up a bit to give Cathy her full attention.
“You don’t.”
“Cathy,” she starts, “I don’t know what started this, but I know you. You’re my family.”
Cathy sits up completely, Anna following suit.
“You don’t know me! I couldn’t have done that. I wasn’t that important. I just hurt people and then I died.”
That breaks Anna’s heart to hear. But there it is, they’ve gotten to the root of the issue.
“I know you Cathy. You don’t have to convince me to remember you a certain way. You’re here, I know you. I love you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“People who love me get hurt. That’s why I’m not remembered right! Every person who’s ever loved me lied about it or got hurt. No one really knew me. I never meant for them to get hurt. I should have just stayed alone.”
Anna takes a deep breath, then grabs Cathy’s hand. “Listen to me. You are a good person. I know this, I know you love your family. I know you have so much love in your heart, Cath. The reason that you are not remembered right in history is the same reason I’m not, or any of the others. It’s not because of you, or anything you did. It’s because of patriarchal societal issues and how we all compared to each other as wives.”
She pauses to gage Cathy’s reaction. The woman is sitting completely still. She does seem to be listening, although there may not be anything to convince her that her historical image is not her fault. But she may be able to make her realize that she is known and loved as she is now.
“I know there’s not much I can do to convince you right now. But please just recognise that I know you. Recognise that you are loved. Please.”
There's no proper response to this. If the tables were turned Anna might have run away from the conversation by now. But Cathy is strong. Stronger than most give her credit for. She’s been through so much, she’s done so much.
What she gets in response is a hug, which turns into a cuddle as they both sink into the blankets once more. And maybe Cathy has accepted that she is loved, or maybe Anna will just have to remind her every day that she is loved as she is. And that’s okay.