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Is there no relief from past torments? Do your mistakes ever stop haunting every waking moment of your life? Is it possible to move on when your life is destroyed? How do you look past the guilt and the horror to see a brighter future? Or do you just live the rest of your existence in misery, until death itself comes to rescue you?
Some might say it’s possible to move on, to stop seeing the bloody horrors behind your eyelids each time you blink. They say brighter days are still to come. Others say it’s impossible to leave your past behind, that you’ll never be able to fully dodge its gloom. They say it defines you.
Is this true? It depends on the person themselves, on the mistake they made. It depends on what your mindset is, and what you choose to make out of that mistake. You’re never able to undo a mistake, but it doesn’t mean you have to create a pattern. You can focus on isolating the incident and finding peace with yourself, even though others may never intend to let you move on.
******
Cole sat straight up in bed, sweat soaking through his shirt as he panted heavily. The nightmare receded into the depths of his consciousness, only flickers of vivid images remaining. He twisted to look at his clock-- 3:00 a.m. --and groaned softly, scrubbing heavily at his face. He knew he should try to get back to sleep, that two hours a night was not at all sustainable, but he couldn’t bring himself to shut his eyes again.
He groggily slid out of bed and padded to the bathroom, switching on the light and squinting against the harsh shine. He stared at himself in the mirror, his fingers tracing the heavy bags under his eyes. It had been an entire year since he’d slept through the night, often not being able to sleep at all. Ten months since he came back from Moscow. Ten months since he’d spoken to his-former?-friends. A year since he’d kill-
Cole hastily turned on the water and splashed his face, sputtering a little from the shock of the cold. After relieving himself, he padded into the living room on socked feet, flipping on every light as he went. He couldn’t be in the dark anymore, just one side effect of that horrible night. He settled down in a comfy chair and pulled a blanket around his shoulders, tentatively picking up his phone. There hadn’t been messages for a very long time. Cole no longer spoke to his family, as they had been...less than ideal when he came home. He no longer spoke to his old group of friends or Erin, which left him pretty much alone. He’d also deleted all social media on the plane back to the U.S. and hadn’t once redownloaded anything.
So really, he was just staring at a blank lock screen. Which was totally fine, but it gave him absolutely nothing to do. No distractions.
Cole only lasted maybe five minutes before he got up, striding back into the kitchen and finding as many cleaning supplies as he could. He then started right there in the kitchen, vacuuming and washing everything in sight. He was meticulous, scrubbing every window and wall like it had personally offended him.
Or it still had blood on it.
Cole took a sharp intake of breath and froze, blinking rapidly to get the image out of his mind. He wasn’t back there. The Escape Room and the horrors afterwards were in his past; he was safe. But his brain wouldn’t listen, sending a bolt of panic at the feel of wetness on his hands.
He was back there. The blood of the unknown body, the blood of Alexei coating his hands. It was so thick...he was covered.
Cole jolted back and scrambled to find a towel to wipe his hands off on. His hands, formerly covered in cleaning liquid, were rubbed pink when he finally tossed the towel away. He sat back and took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair. He weighed the pros and cons of getting back to cleaning and eventually decided to finish the job. Which fortunately was an uneventful and long job, the whole downstairs being spotless by 7:30 a.m.
What was difficult about being a former famous vlogger with lots of money and no job was that there was nothing to do all day. Having spent the first two months back home doing nothing but stare at the walls in his apartment, Cole did his best to stay home as little as possible. Usually that meant a long run in the quiet park near his house in the morning, then finding any activities to do that meant easy anonymity until he crashed in bed for another night of terrors.
His runs provided a safe place for the bad thoughts to run through his mind. This morning was no exception. As he ran, the cool November wind against his face, Cole let the thoughts come. At least here, in a secluded park in Klintebjerg, Denmark, they couldn’t smother him.
After the tragedy in Moscow, things had taken a rather odd turn. Alexei had been taken out and so had Cole. He wasn’t exactly sure what had happened, but from what he could piece together the guests had been told that it had all been part of the act. Apparently, everyone had bought it as one last “horror” of the show. Only Cole, his former friends, Viktoria, and the authorities had known what really happened. Cole had been taken to some kind of prison, his friends being brought in later. He was rather glad that they hadn’t placed him in a cell near any of the others, as he wasn’t in any condition to deal with those issues.
They’d all been held, with little contact from anybody, for two months. From what Cole understood, he was the only one who hadn’t made a fuss about it. He’d been too shellshocked, ready to let them do whatever because he didn’t care. Except they didn’t do anything. After two months of solitude, the Russian authorities suddenly released Cole and the rest of his group with no real explanation. They were made to sign NDAs, learning that the world thought it had all been part of the show and that it was to stay that way. They could only discuss the topic, with limited information, with their families. They were then shooed out of the country.
Cole had traveled to the U.S. on the same plane as the others, but chose to ride coach instead. He was sure of only a few things; that he wanted to get home and that he didn’t want to see any of his former group. He was successful, and it had been ten months since he’d last seen them. Truth be told, he did miss them sometimes, especially Thomas. But he couldn’t face them after what they’d done, after what he’d done.
Once home in the U.S., Cole didn’t feel settled. He’d come clean to his family about what had happened and nothing had been the same. He hadn’t even spoken to them in eight months, unable to take their avoidance and judgement of him. After spending two months back in the States, spending every moment he could trying to avoid being recognized and having absolutely no idea what to do with himself, Cole knew that he couldn’t continue like that. So, in a decision made over his fifth consecutive night without sleep, the former YouTube star had packed his entire life up and moved to Klintebjerg, Denmark. It was a small port town located on the edge of the Odense Fjord. A quiet, peaceful little town, Cole felt more freedom to leave his apartment, even if he did continue to hide his identity as much as possible. To the world, it was all a show. But there were still enough people who had their doubts that he still felt he had to hide. Especially since they were right but didn’t know it.
Cole took a break, sitting down on a bench and chugging his water bottle. It was November and the temperature hadn’t risen above 35℉. Even bundled warmly, he shivered, looking around the empty park. 8:00 am was the perfect time for his morning run, as there was never anybody else around.
Or, usually there wasn’t. Because now, Cole could hear the crunch of footsteps behind him. When they didn’t pass him by, he stiffened instinctively and slowly turned to look behind him. He blinked slowly, looking at his former friend group-and ex girlfriend- who stood behind him. No one made a move or sound, just staring at each other. Then Cole shook his head.
“What the actual fuck are you doing here?” Out of all questions, that seemed most important at the moment.
Dash shifted nervously, looking around at the others. “We came to look for you.”
“You came all the way over to Denmark to find me? Seriously? I still have a phone, you know that right?” Cole narrowed his eyes at the others. “Also how the hell did you know where to find me?”
“You blocked us.” Sam pointed out drily. “Or at least we can assume, since you never answered.”
That was true. But Cole wasn’t going to admit that he forgot that he blocked all of his former best friends. That was just awkward. “How did you find me?”
Thomas looked uneasy as he shifted on his feet. “Man we’ve been trying to get in touch with you since Moscow. We finally figured that we could go to your family and ask them if they knew how to contact you. They were very shifty and not helpful, but while we were there we saw an envelope from you with a return address.” His ‘I’m not dead’ letter, Cole thought. “Erin discreetly snapped a pic and we organized our trip over here as soon as we could.”
Cole just stared at them, unable to believe what he was hearing. Finally he said, “Well that’s just creepy.”
“We’ve really wanted to talk to you, Cole.” Erin finally spoke up. Her face seemed tired and unsure. Once, Cole would’ve wanted to do anything to fix that expression. Maybe it made him a monster but now he felt nothing looking at her. Oh well, he already was a monster.
“I moved to a different country, blocked your numbers, and have actively avoided speaking to you.” Cole pointed out drily. “I think that makes how I feel about talking clear.”
“We know.” Thomas said quietly. His face also seemed strained and tired. Out of all of the group before him, he missed Thomas the most. Almost twenty years of friendship was just gone overnight. “We tried to respect that after a while. It’s been months since we tried to contact you. But things changed.”
“How?” Cole was genuinely curious. “Did someone die?” That was the only reason he could come up with for why they all looked miserable.
“No.” Dash shook his head. “The exact opposite, actually.”
“Someone was born?” Immediately Cole tried to figure out if, on top of everything, he had a kid he didn’t know about. But no, he and Erin had been careful in their time together and he had been careful before her too.
“Cole.” Erin had a desperate edge to her voice. “Alexei’s alive.”
Time halted as Cole stared at the group before him, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. His mind went back to that horrible night, to the feel of Alexei’s face crushing beneath his fists. He remembered the mangled...skull, for lack of a better word. There was no fucking way that the Russian bad boy had survived that.
“...ole? You with us?”
Cole came back to himself, blinking slowly as Dash tried to get his attention. It was a moment before he hoarsely said, “You’re fucking with me. That’s not possible.”
“We didn’t think so either.” Sam held out her phone with the Whatsapp open. He reached out a shaking hand, taking it and staring at the screen. Three days ago, Alexei had messaged the apparently long dead chat called “Plotters”. He looked up at them. “We sure it’s him?”
Erin pointed to the opening message wordlessly. Cole read it, actually taking in what it said this time. “‘Hi fuckers, I am alive.’” Yep, that certainly sounded like Alexei. Cole looked up in bewilderment, not even fully believing it. “How? How the hell could he have survived that?”
“He didn’t tell us. He wanted to reach you. We told him that we hadn’t spoken to you in months and it was left there. But...well we thought you should know.”
Cole absorbed Dash’s words, reading the conversation to confirm what they were saying. He had a niggling doubt in the back of his mind. What if they were messing with him again? Granted, there wasn’t anything to gain. But Cole’s ability to trust had completely moved to Moscow without his permission and decided to live in the bunker of his nightmares.
His thoughts must’ve shown on his face because Thomas spoke up. “I know it’s hard to trust us...but we’re not messing with you, Cole. We thought you deserved to know. That’s why we came to the middle of bumfuck nowhere.”
“Klintebjerg.” Cole said absently. Maybe it wasn’t a trick from the group in front of him. Maybe it was someone in Russia who didn’t like that he walked free. Was someone coming after him?
His feet were moving before he knew it, walking slowly away from the group without a goodbye. He’d wait for whoever it was in the safety of his own apartment.
“Cole!” Erin called out. He stopped and turned around, watching as the group caught up to him. The desperate look was still on her face. “It’s just...we’re really sorry. We never meant for any of this to happen. We just thought that it’d be up your alley. Another thrill.”
“Watching all my friends die?” His voice sounded hollow. “Seriously? Did none of you know me at all? Did you guys think that after watching my friends suffer horrible, bloody deaths-that all turned out to be some gigantic prank that everyone but me was in on-would result in me coming out of it without night terrors? Did you think that I’d see my friends die and not want to kill the person who was responsible for it?”
“We know.” Thomas looked around awkwardly, then back at Cole. “It was stupid and irresponsible. But dude, we meant only the best. I don’t know what we can do to make up for it other than apologize.”
“I’m not looking for an apology.” He wasn’t. He knew they were sorry and he knew that it hadn’t been their intention. “I’m just trying to start over. Maybe one day, we can talk this through. But now, I just can’t.”
“Are you going to contact Alexei?” Sam asked. “We can give you his number; he really wanted to talk to you.”
Cole was absolutely in no fucking way ready to open that can of worms; if, of course, Alexei was actually alive and the former vlogger wasn’t being stalked by every Russian that was suspicious about an affluent man’s death.
To cover all his bases, Cole gave a small, awkward smile. “I’ll, um, I’ll let you know. I need to think about it. Um...safe flight back.”
He rushed back to his apartment, determined to hide in his...rather large closet with every chocolate delicessie that he could find until the world forgot he existed. Or he forgot the world existed. Either way.
*****
After around a week, Cole pulled himself out of isolation and out of the apartment, not yet trusting that there weren’t Russian spies after him but no longer able to deny that he did indeed need to eat. He ran to the local market and stocked up on anything he could think of. His appetite was on and off on bad days, but fearing for your life from a maybe non existent person worked up an appetite. It was a good day to get out, the air cold and crisp and a soft blanket of snow on the ground.
He was so busy juggling his various bags that Cole didn’t even see the person at his apartment doorstep until he almost walked on top of him. Cole looked up, ready to apologize, and froze.
“You know,” Alexei remarked, peering up at Cole over his sunglasses, phone in hand. “If you’d wanted to get away, you didn’t have to move to the middle of bumfuck nowhere.”
Cole was surprised that he didn’t drop everything he was carrying as he tried to comprehend that Alexei was right in front of him. Alive! Before he authorized it to, his mouth opened and words spilled out. “Why the fuck aren’t you wearing a jacket?” With further thought, that was probably not the best first thing to say to the guy that you tried to kill a year ago, even if he was only wearing a tight black t-shirt and even tighter black jeans.
Alexei looked fairly unfazed, shoving his phone into his pocket and taking off his sunglasses. “I’m Russian. This is nothing.” The man looked over the former vlogger with interest and said bluntly, “You look like shit.”
Cole decided to ignore that for the time being, busy grasping that this was actually happening. He took a moment to look over Alexei, trying to determine if it was actually him. The other man looked almost exactly the same as he had when Cole had first met him, but with some slight differences. A few scars, very faint but there if you squinted, lined various angles of his face. But even with some subtle differences, there wasn’t any denying that this was Alexei. Which led to more questions. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
Alexei hummed softly. “Your friends sent me the location last week. Didn’t take too long to find an address, this place isn’t that big. Don’t look at me like that; you think I couldn’t have found it out any other way? Money does things, darling. This was simply easier. And I thought we should talk.”
Cole considered for a moment. He strongly suspected that he wasn’t going to get rid of Alexei until the Russian had spoken his share. Besides, he was definitely more than a little curious on how the man was alive, much less standing. “Are you going to tell me how you’re alive?”
“That was part of the plan.”
Cole nodded and fumbled with his keys to open the door, not allowing Alexei to help with the bags when the man offered. “Thanks, but it’s fine. Give me just a moment to put everything away.” The other man stayed obediently outside while Cole hurriedly put his groceries away and took a moment to lean against the table, exhaling slowly. He had so many questions, but he felt weirdly lighter than he had in a year.
Well, discovering that he wasn’t actually a murderer might have something to do with it. Yep, that was probably it.
Making sure that he had his phone on him-honestly, it was just for an extra minute to gather himself-, Cole exited the apartment and locked the door. Alexei had been looking towards the road, but was quick to redirect his gaze towards Cole, raising an eyebrow questioningly. The former Youtuber wanted to have this conversation and whatever implications it brought away from his home, wanted some place he could go back to and decompress. He jerked his thumb towards the nearby park and asked, “Want to walk and talk?”
Alexei nodded and fell into step alongside Cole as they walked towards the park. By an unspoken agreement, they walked the short distance in surprisingly comfortable silence. When they reached the entrance to the park, Cole stopped and looked over Alexei in the better light. He let out a slightly disbelieving laugh, shaking his head. “You’re actually alive?”
Alexei looked down at himself. “Um...I think so?”
Cole tried to keep himself from smiling, but it was unsuccessful, his lips creeping upwards. Alexei’s trademark cocky grin spread as well and just like that, both their barriers went down. They were about as ready to talk as they were going to be.
“How?” Cole’s hands lifted in a slightly helpless shrug. “You were...your face was a bloodied horror scene.”
“Ah yes. I’ve seen the photos.” Alexei grimaced. “Fortunately, I don’t remember too much. How much of the story do you want? Abbreviated version? Full details?”
Alexei had started walking again, so Cole quickened his pace to catch up. “Um...everything.”
The Russian nodded. “Well, when they took me out of there, they were positive I was dead.”
“You don’t say.”
Alexei snorted. “But they found a pulse. Rushed me to the hospital and they discovered that I still had brain function. They were certain that it was temporary, that my mind and body just hadn’t caught up to the trauma yet. But I stayed alive, albeit in a coma. Once they figured that I wasn’t giving up that easily, they worked to repair what they could while I was unconscious. I was in the coma for two months.”
“Only two months?” Cole stopped and stared at Alexei in astonishment. People with far less serious injuries had been in comas for years.
“What can I say, I’m a medical miracle.”
Cole did the math. “They let us go after two months.” He said in realization.
Alexei nodded. “They weren’t sure what to do with you. I wasn’t dead yet, so they couldn’t push murder charges. The situation was...unique, so they decided to wait and see what happened. Viktoria had a lot to do with that, to be honest. And my lawyer. Both of them concluded that they had to see what happened to me before deciding on what to have them do with you. Quite frankly, the Russian authorities didn’t really want any more to do with the situation than they had to.”
Cole processed that. “I’m not sure I can make sense of that.”
“Don’t try, it hurts the brain. Anyway, I woke up. Viktoria and my lawyer had them release you. Lots of details that I don’t even want to think about, but I gave my approval as soon as I could do any form of communicating.”
“Why?” Cole shrugged helplessly. “I tried to kill you. I almost did. Why would you all want me free so much?”
“Because if I’d been in your position, I would’ve done that exact same thing.” Alexei said bluntly. “What we did was stupid. And traumatizing. To you, I was responsible for killing everyone you loved. Of course you tried to kill me! Anyone with sense would. Technically, if it had gone to any sort of trial, you could’ve pleaded temporary insanity and it would’ve held. None of us came out of it without scars. Your old friends, they have to live with the knowledge that they planned it all out exactly to lead to this outcome and they couldn’t even realize it. You and I, though. We’re the victims. I’m a victim of my own stupidity. You’re a victim of grief and betrayal. It never should’ve happened.”
“You tried to tell me.” Cole muttered, looking down. “As I was attacking you, you tried to tell me.”
“I remember.” Alexei winced slightly. “You went crazy. And yeah, it fucking sucked for me. But I’m alive. You’ve got to stop holding yourself to blame.”
Without anything else to say at the moment, too busy trying to process what he’d just been told, Cole gave a tiny smile and abrupt laugh. “You sound like a therapist. Weird therapist, but a therapist.”
“You should really go to therapy.” Alexei shot back with a hum. He paused and shook his head in slight disbelief. “What am I talking about? I’m Russian. But you should.”
Cole chuckled a tiny bit. He was probably right. “Maybe.” He conceded. “What happened then?”
“A lot of time in the hospital healing, then a ton of plastic surgery after that. Amazing exactly how much time and money it takes to have your entire face reconstructed.” There wasn’t any malice in Alexei’s voice, so Cole simply raised an eyebrow at him. “I was able to smooth out that one spot on my nose that I’d never liked, so thanks for that.”
“You literally don’t look any different.” Cole deadpanned.
“Um, ouch? Anyhow, surgeries finished last month, a lot faster than anyone had thought they would, and I decided to try and get in touch with you and the others.”
“You only contacted them like ten days ago.” Cole had a question within the statement.
“Ah, yes. Well, Viktoria got married a couple weeks ago and that wound up distracting me.”
“Viktoria? As in your girlfriend, Viktoria?”
“Mmm not exactly my girlfriend anymore.” Alexei pointed out. He didn’t look too bothered. “Our relationship was open and while I was in the hospital she met someone else.”
Cole thought that sounded rather horrible and unfair, but since Alexei seemed to not mind, he decided not to obsess over it. “That sounds...odd.” He couldn’t resist saying.
“Well maybe a little.” He shrugged slightly. “You pretty much know what happened after that. I contacted the others, they told me the circumstances, then they told me the vague area where you were. I’ll admit, I didn’t think they'd actually try to find you. Sorry about that.”
“It was a little uncomfortable.” Cole admitted. “But to be honest, once they told me that you were alive, I was more worried about if I had a gang of Russian spies about to descend on me.”
Mirth twinkled in Alexei’s eyes and after a full moment of trying to suppress it, he burst out laughing. “Боже мой, no wonder you looked so shook earlier. Oh my God.” He translated for Cole’s puzzled expression.
“Why weren’t we told that you were alive?” Why had Cole been left to think that he was a murderer, was the question and Alexei seemed to understand that.
“I don’t know exactly, but from what I could understand from inquiries the authorities were far more worried about getting you and your group out of the country and out of their hands rather than explaining things. And I wasn’t exactly out of the woods, but I don’t know if that played a factor.”
Cole thought it over and supposed that it made sense. He said as much and they walked a little way in silence.
“So. What happened to you?”
Cole raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Oh I’m sorry, it’s obvious that your life dream was to move into the middle of bumfuck-”
“Will you ever stop calling it that?”
“-nowhere Denmark, delete all social media, completely stop talking to everyone in your life, and to worry about spies coming to get you. Now obviously, there’s an explanation for that which I know some of because it had to do with me, but what went on behind your scenes?”
Cole thought about the past year, able now to look at it without as much pain. “Well, I had two months to stew about things while we were being held. I didn’t want to talk to the others.” He said it with a slightly challenging tone, looking for any opposition that Alexei might give. The Russian simply hummed in understanding. “So I hid in coach on the way back. I just wanted to get home, but once in the U.S. it felt like anything but. My family basically shunned me and I felt like I had to hide. So I basically threw a dart and moved here. I know it’s what you call ‘bumfuck nowhere’, but it’s what I needed. And it’s actually pretty nice here.”
Alexei hummed. “It’s nice and quiet.” He observed. “And pretty.” The snow covered park spread out before them, a postcard in person. “So are you planning to stay here?”
“Hmm? Maybe. At least for now. Surprisingly, I don’t miss the States all that much, so I don’t know if I’m even going back.”
Alexei nodded. A grin spread across his lips. “You should come to Russia.”
Cole raised both eyebrows this time. “I thought you just said that they couldn’t wait to get rid of us.”
“Yes, when there was the whole drama. People have mostly forgotten about it now. You’re not banned or anything. It’d be fun! We could just fuck around and have fun and not have it be under the guise of some stupid prank. Relive the first experience.”
Cole wasn’t sure if it’d be as simple as Alexei made it out to be, but it did sound fun. “You really want to be around me?” He’d figured that they’d sort their shit out then part ways, not be lifelong buddies. Though...let’s be honest, it was Alexei. Cole was figuring out quite quickly that Alexei was anything but predictable.
The side look that the Russian threw Cole was enough to confirm that. “Of course. That’s if you want to be around me, obviously. Shared trauma bonding and all that.”
“Oh of course, completely normal.” Cole rolled his eyes, but there was no heat to it. “Fuck, we both need therapists, don’t we? Yeah sure. Trauma buddies. Let’s do this. No more Escape Rooms, okay?”
Alexei looked far more elated than he had any right to, but Cole didn’t really care. He had absolutely no idea what was happening in his life anyway, but he felt lighter than he ever had. “Awesome. Where do we start? Clubs? Bars? Express to Russia?”
Cole snorted. “It’s like noon. Why don’t we go back to the apartment and kill time until it’s like an appropriate time for either of those things? And actually plan out going to Russia instead of impulsive traveling?”
“Is it impulsive traveling if it’s going home for me?” Alexei shot back, but he shrugged easily. “Sounds good. Though when the hell did you become the responsible one?”
“In comparison to you? I think I always have been.”
Alexei looked far too pleased with that declaration and then rushed ahead to pet the dog being walked not too far from them. Cole had absolutely no idea what he’d gotten himself into, but he was fairly certain that his life was taking a permanent change yet again and he actually wasn’t too worried about it.