Work Text:
Charmed
“And I’m N—… a white identitarian.”
Ancap arched a brow, eyes scanning the newly introduced man from head to toe (blue? what a boring color) after offering a toothless grin in place of a blatantly absent housewarming gift. “Identitarian, huh? Sounds interesting, though, I must know what your economic policies align with. The other two are a bit too off my grid than I’d rather prefer.”
“Economics is a working progress for me…” The nationalist answers, stern face cast to the ground before meeting Ancap’s gaze (underneath the wayfarer shades, anyway). “But I’m open to hearing ideas at the moment.”
“Is that so?” The capitalist couldn’t pull the reins on the smirk that decorates his face after. “Well, I’m Anarcho-capitalist – and I’ve got ideas.”
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Ridiculous
“What the fuck—” Nazi nearly drops the controller in his hands. “W–…What’s with the get-up? Why are you all… pink?”
Ancap fashionably rolls his eyes beneath the flamingo-tinted shades. “It’s for Pride Month, you silly outdated cretin. I’m changing my brand to cater to our good friends, the LGBTQIAP.”
Nazi nearly lurches from his seat. “Our?”
“I heard even you have a friend from the demographic,” The capitalist strides over to occupy the spot next to the identitarian on the leather cinema sofa, crossing his slender leg over the other. “A fellow nationalist, was it? Do you think I could interest them with my new pink swastika stickers?”
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Pestered
“Nazi?”
“Not now, Ancap.”
“Nazi.”
“I’m cleaning my Walther.”
“This is important.”
“What is?”
“Well, since we’ll be meeting with the moderates next week, I thought about doing a few preparations for myself. Do you think Libertarian would like this suit? I want to impress him. He’ll be a good business associate if he chooses to defect.”
“Just our luck.”
“You’re not even looking!”
Nazi sighs, and finally tilts his head up. “You’re kidding, right? Isn’t that what you already wear everyday?”
A horrified gasp leaves the anarchist’s mouth. “Excuse me? This blazer is in Cambridge gray. The one from yesterday was in the shade of steel gray. How can you not see the difference?”
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Perky
“How does that work?”
“Well, cryptocurrency fundamentally works the same way as physical money. The only difference is that it’s virtually generated and spent. Now, acquiring Bitcoin is a little tricky if you’re new to the business, but the benefits are endless! The government is completely thrown out the window, and you’re allowed to stay as anonymous as you’d like in all of your transactions!”
Nazi doesn’t actually want anything to do with Bitcoin, or business deals, or the economy, or whatever it is that Ancap ends up blabbering to him about—but he guessed it was because the capitalist was just that good at business-talk that he winds up getting invested with nearly every little thing the man says.
“Okay.”
It couldn’t be something else, right?
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Awe
“Good morning.”
Ancap blinks up at Nazi, who had just come through the doorway, holding a wooden tray with what looked like a small bowl and a tall glass of water. “Did you just come up here, or did you stay the night?”
He thinks he sees the man’s face slightly redden at the question, but it could have just been the godforsaken fever kicking in again. “What makes you think I slept here?”
“Well—” The capitalist gestures with his foot to the opposite side of the bed where two heads sprouted from the edge; the one on the right had a worn-out ushanka (does Commie even wash that thing?), and rested atop a hoodied one on the left. “I figured it was a team effort, actually.”
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Edgy
“He’s out to kill me, I know it.”
“Calm down.” Squirm. “That Slavic fuck isn’t going to murder you.”
“But he is! He’s violating the NAP as we speak!” Shuffle. Click, click, click… “He hasn’t paid rent in two months, and he thinks that just because he’s this big, buff Russian bear-man with size-12 feet that I won’t take matters into my own hands, and demand—”
“Look, I know Commie intends to abide by the rules.” Tap, tap, tap, tap. “Even if they’re yours, of all people. Unlike you anarchists, we actually know why rules are important. He does enough chores around the house to compensate for rent anyway. When’s the last time one of your Hispanic maids came over to clean around?”
Click, click, click—pause. “You’re right. I should hire more Latinos.”
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Guarded
“You mean, they didn’t take everything this time?”
Did Nazi avoid eating his ‘share’ this week, toss them in a Ziploc, and set them aside on his bedside table until Ancap came whining to him about his bagels being redistributed by that red statist again in the middle of a COD session?
“Just eat that before those degenerates loot your property again for the fifth time this month.”
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Sleepy
“Ancap? What do you think will happen after this?”
“What do you mean, Nazi?”
The nationalist yawns, eyes barely open as he stared at the dimly-lit ceiling of the living room. “When the Centricide ends, and we manage to kill all those damned centrists… What happens next? A green signal goes off, and we all just turn against each other? Something like that?”
Ancap stops scrolling through his digital wallet, and he peeks over his laptop monitor to catch sight of Nazi’s wandering eyes. “I’m not… quite sure yet. Whatever happens, my luxury bunker is ready to take me in, anyway. You’re free to join me at the right price.”
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Bold
“Nazi, would you consider marrying me?”
“What?”
“Hypothetically.”
“Hypothetically, what?”
“Would you consider, perhaps, hitching your wagon with mine if it meant you’d be helping your good friend, Ancap, to benefit from the tax advantages that come along with marriage?”
“…No, you fa—”
“What? But that was a decent proposal.”
“That doesn’t make it an appropriate reason to wed!”
“Oh, you conservatives and your superstitions! What would be a good reason then? Humor me.”
“How about bearing more children for the Aryan race?”
“Deal. How many of those do you want?”
“What?”
“What?”
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Delicate
Nazi was aware of this.
He knew that there were days where all he could do was look, stare – but never approach. Days where all he could do was wait.
It’d take Ancap about two or three on some occasions; and in others, it took him a full week.
However long it was, Nazi knew to keep his door unlocked for the capitalist. Just in case.
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Boredom
“This is degenerate.”
“Shut up, statist. Just…—Jesus, Nazi, don’t squeeze too hard!”
“How am I exactly supposed to do this?”
“Apply pressure on the sides. It’s textbook. We went over this about four times!”
Nazi retracts his hand from Ancap’s neck. “Show me again.”
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Bitter
Ancap doesn’t like how Hoppean slightly reminds him of…
Well, actually, he hates it.
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Elated
“You couldn’t have picked a better place to bask in your degeneracy?”
The capitalist snickers, watching the nationalist’s scrunched-up face get clouded by the smoke gradually filling up the room. “What do you mean? The bathtub is snug.”
Nazi just squints at him. “Where’s the other degenerate? Commie’s been nagging about him—”
“Quem.”
“—whatever, all day. I thought you two were up here together.”
Oh, right. Ancom offered him a bag of kush earlier this afternoon to get a cut off rent this month. They did smoke a couple of joints together, but… “I don’t remember where quee went.”
He sees Nazi shake his head, as if he’d already expected the response. “Whatever. I’m out of here.”
“But, Nazi…” Ancap whines after the identitarian, though he punctuates it with a breathy chuckle as the man shuts the door behind him. “That ‘Hitler, baby, one more time’ t-shirt is the most horrendous thing I’ve seen this week…—wait, where are my glasses?”
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Wounded
He needed to say it. He had to.
Nazi saw what that degenerate did to Commie. His respectable compatriot was left a sulking mess, unable to get a hold of himself because of emotions, and I just don’t know who I am without Anarkiddy.
He wasn’t about to let Ancap walk into the same bear trap. If a wake-up call was what the man needed to toughen him up, then Nazi would be the one to give it to him. Even if that meant…
“That’s what I kind of like about you, Ancap. You want to do to poor people worse than what I want to do to minorities. You’re the biggest monster of us all.”
Even if that meant witnessing the gold gradually drain away from the capitalist’s face as he curls in on himself like a child caught stealing candy, arms crossed over his chest as a desperate attempt at a makeshift shield against hearing the truth—the truth he needed to hear.
“Your moral code is a blatant contradiction, and maybe if you ignored it and started being a selfish person, like you know you are, you would actually be a service to this team.”
Even if that meant Nazi staring at a map of… hurt in front of him, and having to walk away.
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Petty
“What’s gotten into you, Ancap? First, you abandon our headquarters; and now, you’re in the middle of nowhere in some new get-up!”
Ancap smirks at how much frustration those words held. He wanted Nazi to keep staring at him like that, with pure aggravation, so thick that he’d be able to slice a cake with it. Of course, he’d notice the wardrobe change. The capitalist did it for him, after all.
Even so-called ‘monsters’ could look good, right?
“You like the new outfit? I actually sold my old suit to the Libertarian just to get rid of the old thing. I think this new outfit fits me a lot better.”
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Flushed
Nazi didn’t exactly mean to do it.
He just... 3D films were very convincing. Not to mention, this was a horror movie, for fuck’s sake. He thought he was about to get brutally murdered by a fucking clown, and then he wasn’t, and then he just grabbed the nearest thing around him to make sure he was still alive, and —
“How long are you going to hug me for, exactly? You’re wrinkling up my suit, and I might just have to charge you for it... or get a little comfortable.”
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Warm
It’s impossible to hold sunlight, even with closed fists… but with his rough hands on Ancap’s golden face right now, Nazi thinks it’s easily the same thing. The warmth—
“On Rand’s sweet buttocks, what’s taking you so long?”
“Keep that mouth shut for five seconds, will you? And stop moving so much, you damn Je—”
“I’m just asking you to see if it’s a pimple! What’s all the staring for?”
“Dead God, I hope you get acne.”
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Withdrawn
“I am a fucking woman. Do not call me a man.”
Nazi couldn’t even stay fixated on the monitor for more than 10 seconds.
“You’re oppressing a person of color right now, do you know that? Intersectionality! I have rights to—”
These SJW compilations don’t seem to be as entertaining as they were before.
...Was it because he watched them on his own now?
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Loose
“Where exactly are we going?”
Ancap doesn’t hear him immediately, attention focused on the cold wind blowing through the cuff of his sleeve as the car drove through the city highway that seemed to stretch on and on in front of them.
“Where nobody knows who we are, Nazi.”
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Optimistic
“Tell you what, I’ll offer you a deal you can’t refuse.”
“What is it this time?”
Ancap swallows, stepping back a bit from the sniper rifle in front of him, right hand still on the trigger. “If all of this… turns out for the worst… If the left somehow manages to make majority of the population dull-witted enough to adopt their ideologies, and convince the world of their misguided righteousness…”
Nazi lowers his handgun. “I strongly doubt their success, but go on.”
“If that happens—and let’s be real, what with all that’s been going on these past few weeks, they’re a lot closer to it than we might think—” Ancap gestures to the riots going on in the streets below them (to which Nazi rolls his eyes, but nods). “What do you say we… team up?”
“Team up? Like, join forces?”
“Somewhere along those lines, yes...” The capitalist crouches down to pick up the box of ammunition by his feet, and sets it beside his rifle. “We’ll wage a war against them—I’ll fund it, you train our men—and we’ll decide on who gets what after the entire thing is done and over with. You love the idea of genocide, and I love paying people to do my bidding… It’s a temporary win-win until we crush the opposition, and we go back to wanting to murder each other for ideological dominance.”
Ancap then holds a slender hand out, beaming at the other in a way that Nazi has never seen him do before. The expression he had held so much… hope that the identitarian doesn’t even realize when his hand moves to meet the other’s in a tight handshake.
“Deal.”
The anarchist lowers his glasses to wink at him. “A verbal contract is binding.”
“At least this one’s better compared to that pathetic marriage proposal.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing,” Nazi shakes his head, letting go of the other to reload his handgun as Ancap went back to being hunched over his sniper. “Let’s just finish shooting these pests before those two leftist cucks get back from their protest.”
And they did.
Ancap shot about 11. Nazi got 20.
All of whom they didn’t actually kill, but instead shot at with red paintballs to avoid being beaten to death by a communist and his degenerate sidekick for ‘murdering their comrades’. What a bunch of cucks.