Work Text:
Its early. Too early for Ben to be awake, but excitement fizzes in his tummy like a kid at Christmas. Somehow, the light looks different. This morning has that magical feel about it, like today is something better, bathed in Lexi's fairy glitter and sparkling.
He hauls himself up against the headboard and reaches for his glasses, blinking to focus in the halflight as he looks around him.
It's here. His stuff in his room...their room...like it belongs. It does belong.
His eyes light on Callum's boxers hanging from the desk lamp where they were hurriedly thrown last night, both too far gone to care where they landed, and usually the memory of that would be enough to stir him, but not this morning. What excites him this morning is the thought of the rest, neatly folded in his drawers, next to his own. Two lives joined in the simplest of ways, but it brings a sense of permanence Ben's sure is reserved for people worthier than him.
He smiles as his eyes travel to the dresser top and the bottles of deodorant, aftershave, hair product bunched neatly in one corner, labels facing front, while his own lie strewn and rolling under discarded magazines and invoices from the car lot. He wonders then how long it will take Callum to stand them up, to set his life straight like he has in so many myriad ways.
They shouldn't work together, but they do. God they do.
He finds himself chuckling at the contradiction that is Callum. In the outside world he can be awkward, clumsy even, but in here, in their life together, neat and ordered, like he’s found his place, like it suddenly all makes sense.
Outside, around others, he can struggle to control his long limbs and tall frame, but in Ben's arms, in their bed, he moves his body like a dancer, in perfect sync with his own. Ben hopes he gives him that. That freedom to take up the space like he owns it, to find peace from the chaos in their cocoon. He deserves that.
Callum stirs a little beside him and for the first time this morning he turns to look at him. His cheeks are flushed pink from the warmth of sleep, his lips parted, his eyes moving gently beneath closed lids. God he's perfect. Ben has to look away before he chokes with emotion, or maybe disbelief at how he got this lucky, and chooses to focus on the bedside table, no longer empty. His book. His phone. His watch. His life, entwined with Ben's.
He's not used to this. Waking before Callum and having time to take him in. He wants to cherish it, but at the same time finds it taking him to places he'd rather not go. Callum's the soothing presence in his life. He quells the demons that crawl beneath the surface with his constant touch. Muffles the doubts with whispered reassurances when they threaten to drown him out. Kisses away the pain of a fractured past. He is here, beside him, but lost to sleep, and without him Ben feels vulnerable.
Thoughts start to claw. He thinks of the last few days, how differently this could have gone, and guilt and panic rises in his throat. He's lied when he promised he wouldn't, committed crimes when he promised he wouldn't, risked jail, risked Callum's future, risked all this and for what? Validation that never comes. Validation from someone incapable of giving it, while all the time its given willingly and without expectation of anything in return by the man he loves. If only he could accept it, see that it's enough. But maybe it’s come too late. He’s broken isn't he. A lifetime of self doubt and no-one who cared enough to persuade him any different. Its the price you pay.
He's done all that, and yet this beautiful man has chosen to forgive, chosen to move in and place his fragile heart in Ben's dirty hands. He doesn't deserve him. Truthfully he doesn't deserve anyone, but someone like Callum? Someone as good and strong as Callum? Someone who eases the torment Of his past like no-one else has, whose lips promise a future he can't conceive?
No, he'll leave. He's always known it, it's as inevitable as the sun rising and setting, it's just a question of when. One day he'll push him too far and the string that connects them will snap and his heart will shatter to the floor. He thought they'd got there. Was so sure he'd pushed him beyond breaking, but he'll take the stay of execution and try to make it last. He has to try when life without him is no life at all.
The silence sits heavy. It steers his thoughts back to Danny, to a gun, a warehouse, to the biggest mistake in a long line of mistakes, and he reaches for his processor. The sound of Callum's breathing snaps him back into the room, a small comfort, but he needs more. He's here, but he's not here.
His heart is beating faster now, an itch crawling through his skin, and he feels like a junkie waiting for that fix to spread liquid calm through his veins and make the world seem brighter. Its dangerous to get addicted to something you know has the power to destroy you, but he's been in too deep for too long, powerless to resist. Callum is the drug. The only remedy now.
He risks another look at him, and there he is. He seems to have this sixth sense for when Ben needs him, and his eyes are open and soft, gazing up, a look of concern wrinkling his brow.
"Ben?..You ok?"
He swipes his hand over his face to try to mask the tears and croaks out a "morning gorgeous" but Callum's not fooled. He sees him. He should know that by now.
"Regretting me moving in?" Callum smiles. Its weak, but beautiful and instantly soothing. He just knows.
"Nah, never. You?"
"Never. Although you might not be saying that when I make you tidy up!"
Ben tries to laugh but it catches in his throat and comes out as a sob, and Callum is up on his elbows.
"Ben, talk to me."
Ben tries to think what to say to deflect from the truth, but then decides on reflection to go with it. That’s one lesson he needs to start learning.
"Just thinking you deserve better."
"What, than a shit tip for a bedroom? Yeah, I reckon I do, but we'll work on it. Its ours now."
"Than me. I don't deserve this. You. Love."
Callum's face falls, and Ben sees a flicker of something akin to pain flash in his eyes, but it passes. He says nothing, gently rolling his body over Ben's and pulling him downwards by the hips to lie flat. Ben opens his legs on instinct at the calming press of Callum's body and he settles there, breath warm at Ben's ear.
"Shhh...I'm gonna show you that you do. Every day. Starting with now."
He starts slowly, gentle pecks to Ben's hairline while he takes off his glasses and carefully places them on the side. His lips follow a trail around the shell of Ben's ear and down the rough stubble of his jawline, up to his other ear where he dips his tongue inside, a smile blooming on both their lips as Ben wriggles beneath him. He kisses the tip of his nose, and the delicate skin under his eyes but dips his head into the crook of his neck when Ben tries to chase his lips with his own.
"Tease"
"Shh...no talking, just feel."
Ben feels his body instantly relax, sinking into the mattress, calm and still beneath the safe hold of Callum. The kisses are open mouthed and sucking now, marking ownership. Moving down his neck and across the taut skin of his throat to nip at his earlobe. Callum licks into the hollows of his collarbone, and grazes his teeth over the bones there like he's claiming him and Ben can only submit. He wants to submit.
He's on his chest now, trailing his tongue down to the delicate skin of his nipples, wrapping his lips around the peak and sucking in a way that makes Ben quiver. His warm mouth travels across his breastbone then down each arm, gentle kisses to the crook of his elbows and further, across the palm of his hand to take the tip of each finger into his mouth. Its heavenly, reverential in its intimacy, and Ben can only close his eyes and wait to feel where he goes next.
Soft lips fall on his ribs and then stomach, and a tongue swirls in his belly button making him giggle, but he doesn't want this to stop. Never wants it to stop. His skin tingles with it, goosebumps forming where damp skin meets cool morning air, and he could stay like this forever, a willing pawn in Callum's game. Time passes, and it could have been minutes or hours since this began, but Ben has lost all sense of it, lost to the sensation of Callum’s lips on his skin.
Thumbs hooked in the elastic of his boxers snap him back into the room, and his hands move to help Callum pull them slowly down and off. His tongue lands at his hip bones, circling there and sucking to mark his territory. Ben wants to be marked by him. He burns for it. Wishes they'd never fade so the world can see he belongs to someone. Someone as perfect as Callum. He moves across to dot kisses along the trail of hair below his navel, and Ben feels his cock twitch as his warm breath hits the tip. He's so close.
But then it's gone. Callum bends his legs up and out, opening him up to him, laying him bare, and he should feel exposed but he feels safer than he's ever felt. Kisses tickle the inside of thighs and the soft hairs there stand to meet them and then fall away as Callum moves his mouth down towards his knees. Lips ghost his shins, his calves, his ankles, everywhere they can reach, and then rise back to rest at the top of his thighs.
"You're beautiful Ben."
He opens his mouth to argue he's not but feels a nip of teeth at his hip and swiftly closes it again.
"Not a question."
Ben is breathing heavily, and he knows Callum is looking up at him, but he doesn't want to look, doesn't want to break the spell of unpredictability, the anticipation of where he goes next.
"Just feel baby."
"Yeah"
Warm wet heat envelops the tip of his cock and he groans loud before it recedes, wet sucking kisses adorning his length and working downwards to his balls. It's good, so good, and when Callum's tongue licks a long stripe over his hole he arches his back on reflex. He wants more, he does, but he knows that isn't what this is about. This isn't about sex, it's about Callum showing him what he's worth, that he deserves to be kissed, that he deserves to be kissed by him.
His back comes down to meet the sheets as Callum crawls back up his body, kissing and licking as he goes, and finally, finally, lips meet lips in a crushing press. It's perfect. The slide of his tongue, the huff of his warm breath, the now familiar taste of Ben's own skin on his lips. It's all he needs, all he wants, over and over, until the breath leaves his body. He wouldn't come up for air if he didn't have to.
He's never admitted to Callum how much his kisses soothe him above all else. The way his lips and his tongue still the thoughts in his head, dragging him into the calm eye of the storm. A safe haven where he can rest and build resilience for the waves to come.
It was the first place their bodies touched that night, and in all the intimate touches that have followed, regardless of the places they take eachother, it's the one thing he always craves. Sex has been a constant for Ben, intimacy a void. It's what he's missed all these years, and when Callum's lips met his that first time in June, his world shrunk to nothing but the feeling of his mouth on his.
He doesn't need to tell him. He knows doesn't he. He knew the second he woke this morning that it's what Ben needed and he would never deny him. He gives them freely, like kissing transfers some life force between them, an unseen energy without which they'd both wither and fade. But maybe he should tell him. He's trying to be honest now. He breaks the kiss.
"You have no idea what your mouth on my skin does to me Cal, how incredible it feels. Can't believe I still get to have this. You. Everyday now. You make me so happy."
Callum leans down to place one final kiss on Ben's lips. Its soft, gentle, perfect. It's him all over.
"You deserve to be kissed Ben, by someone who makes you feel that way. And if that someone is me, then you deserve me."
"You make me happy too."
"No more doubts, ok."
"Ok"
"Now, if I know you"... Callum whispers, grinding his hip against Ben's rather obvious arousal...."you'll want me to finish what I started....yeah?"
Ben nods and grins as Callum slides down beneath the sheets, turning his head to breathe in the scent from his pillow. His scent.
Ben doubts. Callum kisses them away. It's as inevitable as the sun rising and setting. Yet maybe it doesn't have to be, not anymore. Maybe he can trust in them.
A shared space, a shared life.
A shared love.