Work Text:
“Hey, do me a favour and shut up real quick, yeah?”
Tadashi smiled despite himself as he heard his friend’s frustrated rambling fall to silence in a matter of seconds. The quiet was comfortable, and something about the atmosphere in that moment felt almost reminiscent of before all this: for a fleeting second they were 16 again, and the world wasn’t falling apart.
He felt Kei’s stare on the side of his face even with his eyes closed. When he did turn to face him, however, Tadashi couldn’t help but stare out of the window first, eyes flitting around. Sometimes he swore it was out of habit, just keeping them safe. Other times, it felt like… something else. He didn’t really know if he missed before; he just liked to observe the now, in case he started to forget that, too.
Outside, something was burning. He wasn’t sure what, and wasn’t sure he wanted to know, either. It was so hot that most things would catch eventually, but there was a reason Kei had insisted on driving straight through this town: wherever the fuck they were, it didn’t sound nice at night.
“Something there?” Kei was staring out the window now too, one hand on the wheel. He looked restless, and just generally like shit. (Tadashi didn’t suppose that he looked much better.)
He shook his head. “Nothing out of the ordinary. I just gotta say something.”
There it was: that anxiety, eating away at the insides of his chest again, like they were back in highschool. This feeling used to swallow him whole, holding him by the throat every time he tried to speak, but it had been a while since then. However old they were, it was more than 16, and Tadashi wasn’t that kid any more. Still, he knew the feeling well, from those bouts of sleepless nights where thoughts of words like these spilling recklessly into the open air threatened to burst his lungs. He tried to swallow, and found himself about to choke.
Kei’s expectant gaze let him breathe again, finding something soft in solid gold. He supposed some things never changed.
“I gotta… fuck, this sucks. Stop looking at me.” His tone was joking, but his friend turned to the road with a gentle, if apprehensive, smile. They were going slow on another godforsaken dusty road, and the glow of fires and lights as they passed by lit up his profile in something holy; Tadashi found himself tongue tied, and he paused momentarily, staring at the only art left that hadn’t yet been burned.
It took a while to tear his eyes away.
“Kei. I.. we’ve been friends for however fucking long-“
“Too long,” Kei chipped in, a shit-eating smirk on his bruised face. Tadashi resisted the urge to throw a bottle cap at him.
They’d known each other since they were kids, back when Tadashi was tiny and Kei was slightly less of an asshole. Something about them had just.. clicked. The memories were fond, but they stung all the same to recall now: the playground where they met seemed a world away. He doubted it had survived the blast.
Their dynamic, however, had. “Shut up, bitch, this isn’t about you.” He laughed, but it caught in his throat. Fuck. “Actually, uh.. it is. About you. Yeah.”
The sun would be entirely gone over the hills soon: they’d been driving all day. They sure spent a lot of time on the road, for two people without licenses.
(“Who, exactly, is gonna stop us, Tadashi?” Kei had drawled, gesturing towards the then-less-beat-up car. It had been a few days since they’d found each other, and they were growing desperate. “Everyone’s-“
“Dead. Gone. Yeah, I know.” He’d shuddered at that, the memories raw and vivid. “It just feels… wrong.”
Kei’s smile had turned sad then, chapped lips turning down at the corners. Despite his attitude, Tadashi heard pain in his voice as he let out a hollow laugh. “Welcome to our new life.”)
He remembered, back when this all started, how scared he’d been. Most of his memories from the beginning were loud noises- the first bomb, the gunshots that left him alone in the world, the slam of doors as he ran for his life through apartment blocks. Everything was a lot quieter now- he didn’t like to think why. The worst they’d had in a while came a few nights prior, when they heard a detonation some miles south. They hadn’t said anything at the time; they just held up their cans over their makeshift fire as a sort of tribute, and hoped to god that wouldn’t be them next.
It had always been just them, just Tadashi and Kei. There was never any formal agreement, even before: simply put, they were always together, and that was how it seemed things would always be. It had been Kei that pulled him from the rubble, Kei that saved his life, but it was Tadashi that made them run away. Sometimes, when the nights were a little too quiet, Tadashi wondered if Kei would’ve gone back if it weren’t for him.
Kei’s quiet “yeah?” snapped him back to reality, disarmed by the look on his face. It was almost.. kind.
Tadashi sighed. “Yeah. I.. I gotta tell you this. I owe you it, I think.”
The air thickened, hot like treacle in the aftermath of the day. The point of no return.
“Listen, I don’t wanna. I’ve sat on this since the beginning, maybe before, and I could probably do it forever.” He felt defensiveness slip into his tone, and in that moment he knew that this was the most terrified he’d been since the first day. There was no adrenaline, though: instead, something alive grew, twitching, in the base of his stomach, and it threatened to stir. But… “But I owe you this, if nothing else.”
“I’ve.. never said this. Before. To anyone, except maybe..” My mom, he thought, the words aching a little too much to say. But Kei nodded, understanding wordlessly.
There wasn’t really a place for conversations like these, feelings like these, any more. He used to think those opportunities had died along with most of the city, turning to dust when the buildings did. But the way he felt laid beside Kei at night, their fingers inches apart, staring up at the stars.. that was real. Tsukishima Kei was real, alive, and Tadashi knew now that this was it for him: this was the most important person in his life.
A bitter laugh bubbled up in his throat. “I know the situation, Kei. I know we probably won’t last the year at this rate.” This much was true; though there were no official figures (no one was left to take them), they’d seen the numbers decrease steadily since the beginning. Each town they passed through seemed more and more like a resting place, the nights filled with something foreboding. The end was coming.
But..
“But I wanna try. This. While… while I still can.”
Something unidentifiable flashed in his friend’s eyes, and Tadashi felt the anxiety threaten to suffocate him again. He’d spent almost every night thinking about every outcome of his words, and he knew that Kei could- might- just leave. It’s worth the risk, he’d told himself, but the nervous voice in the back of his head wasn’t nearly so sure.
He felt his voice shake as he forced words around the blockade terror had formed in his throat. “Listen, you don’t have to.. you don’t have to feel pressure, or anything like that. I’m just.. fuck, just don’t feel obliged to think it, or feel it, or even say it, okay?” Every word broke him down a little more, until he was sure that if Kei looked, he’d be able to see right through him. “Don’t fucking say it. Because I won’t know what to fuckin.. believe, think, feel, all of those.”
It was entirely dark outside, and the shadows residing in firelight had come out to dance. He almost stopped right there; almost let it drop, let it slide by like nothing ever happened. But when he saw the cuts on Kei’s pale face, saw the bruises forming around his nose and the blood drying from it, something snapped: this was it for him. Tadashi took a deep breath, bracing himself for impact.
“I-“
“Tadashi, I love you.”
And if this was it, then it was enough.