Chapter Text
Dean is dead.
He doesn’t feel Dean. He feels pretty great - better than he’s felt in his entire life. But he’s definitely dead.
He can still feel the phantom pain in his back. Pinching the muscles in his spine and digging into his ribs every time he so much as winced. He remembers the terror that took hold of him. That, more than the nail in his back pinned him in place. More than anything he was scared of being sent to Hell. Being sent back to eternal torment. Knowing that he’d break. Again.
But at least he got to know what freedom tasted like. At least he knew what it was like to win. To save the world. At least he got to say goodbye to Sam.
His death, he knows will break his brother. But Dean knows he’ll pick himself up eventually. He’ll live. He’ll be happy and have everything he ever dreamed of and they’ll see each other again.
Because that’s the man he raised Sam to be.
Due to the wandering of his mind, the view almost seems secondary. It almost seems like it’s taunting him.
This is Heaven.
Paradise.
‘Everything he deserves.’
So what’s wrong?
For once, he actually feels like he deserves it. Cass’ words, though they took some time to sink in, still resonate within him. It was the only thing driving him after the angel’s death. The only thing that stopped him from spiraling. From wallowing at the bottom of a bottle.
Cass gave everything for him. He was determined not to waste his life after that sacrifice.
And the words he said…
Dean can hardly wrap his head around it. He tucked them away into a safe part of his mind, just so he could come back to them when he’s ready to face the emotional fall out of accepting them. But he never truly got the chance to come back to it. Because it’s so much easier to avoid it. Because it’s so much easier to convince himself that Cass didn’t die because of him.
Thinking about it would’ve made it real.
And Dean wasn’t ready to confront that kind of loss.
But according to Bobby, Cass is back in town. Making waves with Jack. Dean expected nothing less from the angel who always tried his damndest to make Heaven a better place. This must be like a dream come true for him. Everything he fought so hard for, finally coming to fruition.
But bitterness gnaws at Dean’s heart.
A selfish yet consuming bitterness.
After everything.... Cass never even tried to find them. Sure, Dean hadn’t prayed, but that was only because he didn’t think anyone was there.
‘Everything he deserves.’
It suddenly hits him… what’s wrong with this Heaven. He isn’t at peace because something is missing.
Someone is missing.
Well, two someones. But he knows Sam will be along in due time.
No, what Dean needs is the angel in a dirty trench coat.
The one who stood by his side through thick and thin. The one who betrayed everything he knew for Dean. The one who saved him from the pit and Death and countless times in between.
The one… the one who loved him. Truly. Wholly. With every fibre of his being.
…
And so Dean spends the next hour in this his wondrous Heaven, feeling utterly tormented.
Clearly he means something to Cass. Otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he did.
But why didn’t he come back? Dean gets that he and Jack are fixing things but Dean is dead. Seems pretty momentous. Seems like something you’d take a break for. Even just to pop over and slap his shoulder before flying away.
With Jack back… Cass must have his wings back. He can’t imagine Jack not restoring them.
Maybe he finally realised that he can be free too. Free of Dean. Free of his moods and constant anger.
Dean shakes his head. But according to what he said…
According to what Cass said, he never saw Dean that way.
So why isn’t he here?
Dean feels petulant and worst of all, needy. He’s in Heaven. Bobby is here. Mom and Dad are here. Everyone they ever lost is here. And Dean can’t even bring himself to go see them. Because the one person he wants - needs - to see the most, didn’t even come.
It occurs to him that maybe Cass is keeping his distance because Dean stood there like a stone pillar while he poured his heart out. But Cass knows he’s a mess when it comes to expressing emotions. Dean is sure he could… tell how much he didn’t want him to sacrifice himself.
A little voice in the back of his head tells him to pray.
Because Cass always comes when he calls.
But Dean doesn’t want to feel as though he’s dragging him away from whatever angelic duties Jack has given him. The dude isn’t chained to Dean. He can live his own life. Make his own choices. Dean just wishes he made the choice to come see him.
He never got to tell Cass thank you. Or good bye.
Seeing Cass again is worth more than his stupid pride. Cass deserves to know that his sacrifice meant everything. He deserves to know that he was missed. That his words had an impact.
A prayer is on the tip of his lips when he stops himself.
If he’s gonna drag Cass all the way here, he can’t do this half assed.
He’s gotta deal with everything.
And everything includes…
‘You changed me Dean.’
‘I love you.’
In the moment he barely registered the words. But in the aftermath, as he lay on the ground, trembling like a newborn babe, it hit him. The power behind the words. The intonation and look in Cass’ eyes meant that not even Dean could misinterpret what those words really meant.
Cass is in love with him.
He has been for who knows how long.
And Dean was utterly oblivious to it.
That love prompted him to sacrifice himself. But it also made him so happy that it triggered his deal.
More than anything he wants to look Cass in the eye and let him know that -
“Hello, Dean.”