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Love was a silly little thing and Todd Anderson knew nothing about it.
So after he flipped through a book he'd found at the library filled with sappy romance poems, love never fled his mind.
Todd pondered it for days. The question lingered in his thoughts, how would one know they were in love? What would they feel? During the poet meetings, he'd listen to Knox and what he wrote of love and lust. He wondered if the feeling was the same for everyone. Sometimes, when he was being attentive enough, he'd catch the glances Knox would throw at Charlie while he spoke and the brush of their hands when they thought no one was looking. Was that love? The fleeting moments. The things left unsaid but were so blatantly known. It felt bittersweet.
Todd scribbled his thoughts down in the notebook that rested on his lap. It was the middle of November, rain poured outside, yet the pitter-patter of the drops that hit the window wasn’t enough to fill the silence. Neil was off somewhere, he'd been gone for an hour or two. The boy just couldn't sit still for long, he always had to be doing something. Todd found it endearing, but it often left him lonely.
Normally, Todd didn't mind being alone. As a matter of fact, he liked it! No one to poke and prod at him, classic peace and quiet. But this felt different, the silence Neil left behind was deafening. Maybe it's because Todd had gotten so used to hearing Neil's ecstatic ramblings, or the tapping of his foot while he studied, even the soft sound of his breathing. All the little things about Neil he’d oddly come to miss when he was away.
His sulking was fortunately interrupted by the sound of the door being unlocked. Todd turned to see Neil drenched, he carried a small, brown paper bag. He'd come back sooner than usual.
"Where'd you run off to?" Todd asked.
Neil dropped the bag on his bed, "stopped by the store!"
Todd watched as Neil slipped his coat off and hung it on the wardrobe handle. He reached into the bag as he plopped down on his bed and tossed a pint of ice cream to Todd.
"Your favorite," a pause, "I think. I wasn't quite sure."
Todd looked down at the pint. Raspberry ice cream. He could feel his face start to burn up at the gesture, he was surprised Neil remembered such a tiny little thing about him. Something that was only ever mentioned in passing.
"Yeah it is, um, thank you," he laughed sheepishly, "ice cream in November?"
All Neil could do was shrug with that silly grin plastered on his face, it made something tug in Todd’s stomach. Neil’s happiness was always so contagious, he couldn't keep his lips from curving into a grin of his own.
~
During a lecture, Mr. Keating had been talking about something particularly strange that received a few giggles in the class. Neil turned around in his seat and flashed Todd a look that said, "what in the world is he on about?" Todd raised a hand to his mouth to prevent a chuckle that threatened to slip out. The glances, the silently mouthed words, and gestures at each other were things the two regularly did in the classroom. Though he'd never admit it out loud, that was his favorite part of class. No matter how interesting the subject was for the day, seeing Neil turn around in that seat of his made Todd feel like he mattered for once in his life.
From the very beginning, ever since he stepped foot into Welton, it was always Neil. It was Neil he'd see every morning and night. It was Neil who'd talk to him when no one else found him worth knowing. It was Neil he'd turn to first when something's happened. It was Neil's smiles and laughs he'd strive to see and hear.
That's when it hit Todd.
And God it scared him so fucking much.
"Mr. Anderson, are you doing alright?"
Todd snapped out of his daze at the words. Though he was looked only at Mr. Keating, he could feel the eyes of everyone else in the room on him. His face flushed.
"You look spooked."
"I- I'm not."
Mr. Keating squinted at the boy before he continued to speak. "Very well…"
Neil was still looking in his direction, when he finally got Todd's attention he mouthed, "are you okay?" Todd replied with a shrug and hesitant nod. The expression on Neil's face was undecipherable.
For the rest of the day, Todd avoided everyone as much as he could by spending all his time in the more secluded section of the library. It wasn’t the best move on his part, the silence left him alone with his noisy thoughts. This can’t be happening. He wanted to shut it out. Curl into a ball so tight he’d disappear from the world. No matter how much he repeated it to himself, I’m not in love with Neil, the truth remained so obvious—he was. He is. He always will be.
Todd even skipped dinner without warning and went straight to bed. He couldn't stand the thought of sitting beside Neil. Feeling their sides brush every once in a while, Neil's breath on his ear every time he'd whisper a joke that was meant for them only. It'd drive him insane.
At the sound of the doorknob being rattled, Todd pretended like he was asleep. Neil's footsteps were slow and thoughtful. Then they stopped.
Just under his breath, Todd could hear Neil whisper worriedly, "oh, Todd…"
All of Neil's movements were quiet, trying not to wake up the sleeping boy who wasn't sleeping. Todd’s mind was racing. What if Neil ends up hating me? It scared him to lose the one person he cared about the most. He hated his feelings, his stupid feelings.
So this is what love felt like. Confusion, embarrassment, guilt, frustration. It was nothing like what the poems or Knox had described. It wasn’t freeing, it wasn’t warm, it wasn’t bliss. In all honesty, he’d prefer to feel nothing at all. To go back to when he didn’t even care about what it meant to be in love. All it did was eat him up inside and he wanted to throw it up. Love. It left a sour taste in his mouth.
~
The next morning, Todd woke up to Neil on his bed with his back against the wall. He was watching Todd. Startled, he let out a tiny yelp.
“Are you doing okay?” Neil’s voice dripped in concern.
No. I’m not. Instead, Todd replied, “yeah… why?”
“It’s just… you seemed off in Keating’s and then I didn’t see you again after that and you didn’t even come to dinner and when I came back here you were already in bed!” Neil sighed, “that’s not like you at all.”
Stop it. Stop caring about me. “Maybe you don’t really know me then, Neil!”
The look on Neil’s face made Todd’s heart sink, “Todd…”
He took a breath, “God, I’m sorry. I- I’m not feeling the best. I didn’t mean to snap at you like- like that.”
Neil leaned forward, “you can talk to me about anything, you know that right?”
“Yeah… I know. Thanks.”
“Okay, well,” Neil stood up, “I’m going to breakfast, I’d like it if you came.” His voice was soft and genuine.
Todd hated himself for being so head over heels.
“Okay.”
Neil’s usual smile was back and for a moment Todd felt like everything was okay again.
At the dining hall, all the poets sat together as per usual. Their table was a mess of half-eaten food, crumbs, homework, and napkins. Pitts and Meeks babbled to each other about some new project they had been working on, Cameron and Charlie argued over something trivial, Knox was unfortunately stuck between the two and tried to lean away from the chaos.
Charlie stopped his griping to turn to Knox. “Knoxious, if you keep leaning like that you’ll fall over.”
“Think I’d prefer that over this useless bickering.”
“You wound me, you really do!”
“Ha ha ha,” Knox deadpanned.
Charlie gasped dramatically and poked at Knox’s sides, he earned choked laughs and snorts from the hopeless romantic.
They seemed closer than ever. Less bitter, more sweet. The sight made Todd hopeful. It was a feeling he wanted to hold onto forever. Beside him, Neil also watched the two with a faraway look on his face. He nudged Todd.
“Want to go on a walk?”
Todd’s entire face flushed and he had to turn his head away slightly so that Neil wouldn’t see.
“Um… uh… I… yes…”
He followed Neil outside. The morning air was chilly, the sky was gray and cloudy. Not many people were outside either, which wasn’t a surprise. They walked in comfortable silence until they reached a secluded woodsy area behind the school.
It was enchanting. There was a stone bench with moss and vine that crept up the legs. The bench was old, eroded, and framed by all the trees and overgrown plants around it. Neil took a seat and gestured for Todd to join him. When he sat down he glanced at Neil. His cheeks were rosy from the cold, contentment written all over him.
Todd wished things were different between them.
“I didn’t even know this place existed,” Todd said softly.
Neil chuckled, “it’s because you’re cooped up inside so much!” Todd let out a sound of protest. “I found it during one of my restless adventures. Actually, the same one when I bought the ice cream.”
There was a beat before Todd replied, “I was glad you came back so soon. It- um… it gets lonely.”
Neil turned to meet his eyes. “It does?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it?”
It was Neil’s turn to blush. “Ah- I just- I don’t- I don’t know.”
Seeing Neil so bashful like this was new to Todd and it definitely opened a floodgate of emotions that he didn’t realize he had. Suddenly the sick twist in his stomach from last night became flutters, the sour taste in his mouth turned sweet, and he felt like he was floating. Still, the weight of how wrong these feelings were brought him back to Earth. Todd shivered. Neil deserved someone better than him. Someone who wasn’t so timid and quiet. Maybe in a different universe things could’ve been better.
“Oh, are you cold?” Before he could hear an answer, Neil started removing his scarf.
“N-no! You really don’t have to-”
“I want to.”
Neil wrapped the scarf loosely around Todd’s neck, “all better?”
The warmth of the soft fabric, the scent of Neil’s cologne, the brush of his fingertips against his bare skin. Todd struggled to keep his composure.
“All better.”
“Good. I don’t want you feeling under the weather again. I get lonely too.” He’d said the last part quietly like Todd wasn’t supposed to hear it.
“Neil, I’m-”
The sound of the school bells interrupted him.
“Oh shit, nearly forgot!” Neil had started for the school while Todd lagged slightly. “C’mon, c’mon!” He cried and grabbed Todd’s wrist while he ran. Giggles erupted from the two in between breaths.
The sprint left Todd winded, “God, Neil, maybe a warning next time?” There was no menace behind his words, he couldn’t keep himself from smiling.
As Neil held open the door for the two of them he cocked his head. “What was it you were saying? Earlier at the bench, I mean.”
Todd bit his lip. “Um. Nothing important.”
Todd could tell Neil believed otherwise but didn’t press on with any more questions. He didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved.
~
At dinner, Todd had tried to give Neil his scarf back. And it’s not like he didn’t want it! It’s the fact that he wanted it so bad it scared him.
Neil shook his head adamantly. “No, no, no. It’s practically yours now.”
Todd’s brain was short-circuiting. “Well- um- well won’t y-you miss it? I mean I can buy my- my own, you really don’t have to-”
Neil took Todd by his shoulders and shook him slightly, “Todd!” He exclaimed. “I am your roommate! I’ll see the scarf in the same room as me every day! Keep it, it’s yours, you doofus.”
“Okay,” the word rolled off his tongue slowly, his mind struggled to process the moment.
“Aw… you guys are sharing clothes ?” Charlie teased. “Knox, why don’t you give me your scarves?”
“Oh, that’s simple,” Knox set down his fork, “it’s because you stink, Dalton.”
He stuck a tongue out at Knox.
“You’re so childish,” a smile crept onto Knox’s face.
“Ah-ah! Look who’s smiling. I’m just that loveable.”
“No, you’re not,” Cameron mumbled.
“Richard Cameron, you are so lucky Knox here hadn’t given me his scarf, or else I would’ve strangled you to death with it.”
~
Todd couldn’t sleep.
He wanted nothing more than to scream and shout at the world.
It wasn’t fair, in his opinion—to be burdened with this infatuation. I have to live like this forever, don’t I? He’d watch Neil drift from him and fall in love with a nice girl, maybe even get married and have a sweet family of his own. The worst part is that he’d wait. Wait for the day Neil would turn back and see him for who he was, a fool who was hopelessly in love. The concept was cruel.
Todd hadn’t realized he was crying. Silent tears ran down his cheeks, barely glistening in the dim moonlight. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. It hurt.
“Todd?” Neil’s voice was muffled slightly.
He froze. “Hm?”
There was a rustling from the other side of the room. “Are you okay?”
The laugh that slipped from Todd’s mouth was dry and humorless. “I wish you’d stop asking me that, Neil.” He cringed at the raspiness of his voice.
“What do you suppose I ask?”
Todd turned his head to look over at Neil. The boy was propped up on his elbow, there was just enough light coming in from the window for Todd to make out Neil’s taut expression.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me!”
Fuck.
Todd’s voice was barely above a whisper, “I- I can’t tell you.”
The silence was unbearable.
Then Neil spoke delicately as if the words could shatter him. “ What is it that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the print I have read in my life. ”
Todd recognized the quote.
And shatter Todd it did.
~
When he woke up, Neil was gone. He wasn’t at the table during breakfast, he couldn’t even find him anywhere on campus.
It should’ve felt normal to Todd. It was the weekend, Neil was always on a mission, that was normal. But after last night…
Todd didn’t want to be the reason Neil was upset. If either of them were to get hurt, it should be him. Not Neil. Never Neil. He already had to deal with his bigot of a father. Todd clenched his fists at the thought of him. He hated Mr. Perry. Every mention of him made his blood boil and he wished he could just take Neil away from him forever. Or punch him. Both choices were good.
“Charlie!” Todd called out when he saw him just down the hall in the dorms.
“Hey, Todd. What’s up?”
He sighed. “I was wondering if you knew where Neil went?”
Charlie looked deep in thought. “Have you checked,” he lowered his voice, “the cave?”
“Oh!”
Immediately, Todd spun on his heel and ran out of the building.
When he reached the entrance to the cave, his feet froze in place. What am I doing? Todd was having an internal conflict. On one hand, he could walk in there, confess, and he wouldn’t have to feel like he was holding his breath anymore. On the other hand, he could keep it to himself and he wouldn’t have to deal with the potential of rejection.
Yeah, he preferred the latter.
Just when he was about to leave, he heard Neil’s voice.
“Todd?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “H- hey, Neil.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Well, I asked first.”
Todd looked down at his shoes. The once pristine, black dress shoes were now scuffed, creased, and spotted with mud. “I came to look for you.”
Neil didn’t reply. He leaned back against the entrance of the cave, his hands stuffed in his pockets.
“Neil, I need-”
“You confuse me!”
Todd jerked his head up. “Huh?”
Neil scoffed. “I get so many mixed signals from you!”
“W- what do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
Todd didn’t want to believe it because what if it wasn’t real? What if this was some elaborate prank? What if he was thinking about something completely different?
“I still… I still don’t get it.”
“Do you like me or not!?” Neil cried. “Because every day I try to do something, anything to give you hints, and sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t! It doesn’t help that you’ve been acting so strange recently and I’m terrified that I’m scaring you away.”
“Oh… oh .” It felt like something was caught in Todd’s throat. “N- Neil… I- I’m… God … I’m in love with you.”
Neil’s eyes were wide.
“At least I- I think so? I mean… like… y’know?” Todd groaned. “What- what I’m trying to say is that you make me feel like how the poems describe it! Love. I mean. But also what they don’t?”
Neil strode towards Todd, his expression was unreadable and dread took over Todd not only mentally, but physically.
But when he expected a punch or a slap, he got a hug. A tight, warm hug that held a thousand words and more. It took a second before Todd wrapped his arms around Neil.
Nothing mattered more than this moment.
For once in his life, Todd felt complete. He wasn’t the throwaway son of disappointed parents, he wasn’t the shy kid overlooked by his classmates or the student that teachers pitied. Todd was Todd and it was as simple and complex as that. He contained multitudes.
And in his arms was Neil. The one he loved. The boy he swore hung the moon and all its stars. In a place where no one could hurt him. Where his dreams were more than just naive thoughts. Where he could be his true self— an actor, a lover, a human.
~
When night struck, the two crept out of their rooms and into the outdoors. It was freezing, but neither of them cared. They ran and ran until they reached a lake in the woods. In its reflection was the neverending universe, it should’ve made Todd feel small in comparison, but it didn’t. Not when he was with Neil.
Neil strolled to the edge of the dock, he peered into the water.
“You’re not seriously thinking about getting in, right? It’s cold!”
“Todd, Todd, Todd…” Neil shook his head each time he said his name. “Carpe diem.”
He began to strip down to his boxers.
“You’re crazy!”
“C’mon.”
“Neil .”
“Todd .”
“We could catch a cold.”
Neil shrugged. “I don’t see the problem with being alone with you in our room with some soup.”
“Okay. Fine.”
Neil didn’t wait for Todd to finish undressing before he jumped into the ice-cold water.
Todd sat down on the edge of the dock, only his feet touched the water. It was enough to send shivers down his spine. He didn’t understand how Neil was swimming in it.
“You should come in, the water’s fine,” he said while moving to Todd. He was visibly shaking.
“Neil. You’re trembling.”
He rested his arms on the doc and looked up at Todd, he was smiling. “No, I’m definitely not.”
“And I definitely believe you.”
Neil pouted. “Come on. For where thou art, there is the world itself, and where thou art not, desolation .”
“Shakespeare? Just because I won’t swim?”
“Yes .”
Todd let out a breathy laugh. “Okay.”
He slowly dipped into the water, he tried his best to adjust to the temperature. Neil grabbed him by his wrists and took him further into the lake. There they played like they were children, the boys splashed each other, dunked each other, hooted and hollered, not a care in the world.
Eventually, they got out and collapsed on the grass. They looked up at the starry night sky.
“The actor and the poet,” Neil mused.
Todd traced the outline of Neil’s silhouette with his eyes. “Yeah... the actor and the poet,” he echoed.
Love was a silly little thing and Todd knew everything about it. He became familiar with the laughs, smiles, cries, and shouts love would cause. The way it could make you feel like you were on top of the world or six feet deep in it. But most importantly how it could hide in places you’d least expect it to and how it could creep up on you no matter how much you wanted to avoid it. Every moment he spent with Neil, love was always pulling the strings. Day by day and night by night they were together. All else had long been forgotten by him.