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Once upon a time, there lived a girl whom everyone called Little Red, because her hair and her eyes were bright red. One day, her mother send her to the remote cave where her grandmother lived, carrying a basket of wine, mushroom cakes, and cricket chip cookies.
“Stay on the path and watch out for spiders. You’re my favorite daughter. Don’t die,” Little Red’s mother said to her as she set out.
On her way, the path was blocked by a giant spider that talked. She was known as the Big Bad Spider, for she was the largest and cleverest wild spider in the cave system.
“Hello, little girl,” said the Big Bad Wolf Spider. “Where are you going?”
“I’m delivering goodies to my grandmother,” said Little Red.
“How lovely! Do you think she would like some bats, too? I saw a flock of them three caves over that way.”
“Bats are her favorite!” said Little Red. She took her hand crossbow and set off to find the bats.
The Big Bad Wolf Spider ran on ahead of the distracted little girl, reaching her grandmother’s house well before Little Red did. She snuck in through an upstairs window and gobbled Little Red’s grandmother all up. Then, she put on the grandmother’s clothes and climbed into her bed, setting a trap for Little Red.
Soon after, Little Red arrived with a brace of bats for supper. She let herself into the house to practice her lockpicking, and called out, “Hello, Grandmother! I’ve brought you a basket of goodies and some bats for supper!”
“I’m upstairs!” called the Big Bad Wolf Spider, pretending to be Little Red’s grandmother. For a wolf spider is an ambush predator, you know.
Little Red went upstairs to find the Big Bad Wolf Spider in her grandmother’s bed. “Why grandmother!” said Little Red. “How many eyes you have!”
“The better to see you with, my dear.”
“Why, grandmother! How many arms you have!”
“The better to hug you with, my dear.”
“Why, grandmother! What big fangs you have!”
“The better to envenomate you with, my dear!” And the spider leapt from the bed and lunged at Little Red.
“Wait!” cried Little Red. “Surely you must be thirsty after eating my grandmother! I’ve brought wine.”
“I am thirsty,” said the spider. Little Red gave her the wine and she drank it all up. “And now I shall eat you!”
“Wait!” cried Little Red. “Surely you would like to try my mother’s mushroom cakes. They pair so well with the wine!”
“I do love mushroom cakes,” said the spider. Little Red gave her the mushroom cakes and she gobbled them all up. “And now I shall eat you!”
“Wait!” cried Little Red. “Surely you need dessert after such a meal! I’ve brought cricket chip cookies!”
“I adore cricket chip cookies,” said the spider. Little Red gave her the cricket chip cookies and she gobbled them all up. “And now I shall –“
The Big Bad Wolf Spider dropped dead, for the wine, the mushroom cakes, and the cricket chip cookies had all been poisoned.
Little Red inherited her grandmother’s estate and made a washbasin out of the Big Bad Wolf Spider’s exoskeleton. The end. Now, go to sleep.