Work Text:
Beneath: There Are Those Days
by Duointherain
Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing.
Warning: Duo is depressed.
Duo sat on the floor in his office, his laptop held on a pillow tucked up against his shins. He was supposed to be writing, but all he wanted to do was go back to bed. He’d almost made it through November/December without the depression that had attacked him in those months since just after the war.
He had a therapist. He’d thought he found the answer. He’d thought he was free.
He wasn’t.
It was the worst. He was sure Heero didn’t really love him, that Martha was glad they’d moved out, that Rey held all his mistakes against him, but at least it wasn’t any big deal about Wufei. Wufei had always hated him. He’d failed out of pre-med and no one read his stories. Being a writer was some way to cope with his disintegrating brain. Even the memory of being happy was too dusty and far away. The obvious choice was to just stop, make everything stop, but that would just take too much energy and he kind of curled upon his side, pulled the blanket he’d been sitting and pretended he was asleep until he was.
He woke some time later, laying on their bed, Heero’s head on his chest. “What are you doing?”
“Listening to the sound of your heart.”
“Why,” Duo asked, head lifted up. His arm felt like it weighed fifty pounds as he reached to run his fingers through Heero’s defiant hair.
“It’s the happiest sound in the world to me,” Heero said, his head lifting into Duo’s touch. “I know this month is hard, but January is coming and my love for you is real, no matter what December feels like.”
“Everything hurts and I don’t know why,” Duo said, flopping back on the bed. “It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense.”
Heero stretched out next to him, wrapped his arms around him. “I’m here with you.”
“I should have figured this out! I should have found a way to be okay already! I’m twenty-seven, not some crazy kid anymore, but I don’t know why this happens.”
“There are mysteries to the universe,” Heero said, gently stroking Duo’s temple. “I don’t try to understand them, but I know that loving you makes me whole, being near you makes me joyful. The value of your life and safety is beyond what I can count.”
“You’re a fucking math professor,” Duo teased, nuzzling his head against Heero’s arm.
“You’re so valuable, I can’t count that high,” Heero said seriously, kissing Duo’s shoulder. “You’re the king of stories. Tell me a story about an old married couple who goes to the beach for the holidays, someplace private and warm.”
“I think that’s the story you were just trying to sell me on,” Duo rolled over in his arms, resting his head on Heero’s chest, “Do you think sand under my feet will make me feel all better?”
“I’d take a little better and it’s worth a try,” Heero said, gently scratching down Duo’s back. “You can be sad there. I can lay my head on your lap as you think of stories to tell me.”
“Listening to me ramble is your idea of a good holiday?”
“Very much so. Do you feel a little better?”
“Yeah,” Duo said, “It’s frustrating and I feel like there’s this ball of anger just out of my reach over shit I can’t do a damn thing about and it makes no sense to be upset about it. It’s long gone. I just want to be free of it all! I don’t want to fight this anymore.” Duo tensed, his fist grabbing hold of a wad of Heero’s white undershirt.
“I understand,” Heero said with empathy.
Unsatisfied rage wanted to eat him, if it couldn’t eat anything else. “When I have something to blow up, I can vent, but it feels like the world is made of glass right now.”
“Let me carry the anger for a while,” Heero asked, “I’ll give it back when you ask and it will not harm me, let me carry it for a little while.”
Duo went slack against Heero, his breath leaving him and taking tension with it. After a moment, he drew in breath again, slipped his hand under Heero’s shirt to rest on lean belly. “If I do, you’ll let me cook you dinner? And we’ll work on the anger together later?”
“I’d like that,” Heero said, kissing the top of Duo’s head. “While you’re cooking, I’ll book us a trip to Jamaica. We can work on that pirate research you wanted to do.”
“That sounds like fun.” Duo said, just feeling better. It was like he could breathe again. Somehow, he’d figure out how to solve the anger, but Heero could hold it for him for a little while. Heero always saved him. Always. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”