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The barn had brought back so many memories for Dean. He had almost expected sparks to fly again, just this time they would not terrify him. However nothing of that sort happened. It was a hunt quite like the others, mostly at least. There had been a few close calls. The group of masked vampires posed a serious challenge for the brothers. Dean was glad that he had sneaked one of the shuriken into his pocket before he had put the box back into the trunk of his Impala. Sam´s initial disapproval had faded when Dean had thrown the star right at one of the vampires that was dashing at him. He still shook his head with some amusement when he saw the shiny star sticking out of one of the bodies on the ground. Now that all their heads were cut off they were finally silent.
VampMimes, it would have been too good to be true. Unfortunately they had spoken and Dean hadn´t liked what they said. On their way out of the barn the hunter had ripped the mask off one of the severed heads. He was relieved that there wasn´t another familiar face under it. Seeing Jenny had shocked him more than he wanted to admit, brought back all the memories of people they hadn´t been able to save. He was well aware that what had been standing in front of him was not the human they had failed and he had played it cool, tried to not let the monster know how much this nevertheless affected him.
But they had success this night. The boys had hidden outside the barn and Sam and Dean could bring them back to their mother the following day. Those were the good memories.
Back at the bunker Eileen greeted them. She had stayed after what initially started as simply another date with Sam. Not all that many days had passed since then but Dean found it harder and harder to imagine the bunker without her. When Dean had come across the news about the Pie Fest in Akron and shared them Sam had been excited about all three going on a little trip but Eileen had shaken her head: “I´m staying”. Sam must have signed something like “No, of course you´re coming with us” before they had excused themselves, left the table and relocated into the kitchen. The three of them had spent most of their time in the bunker going through old texts, they all could use some fresh air. Sam especially, since he even skipped some of his usual morning jogs. Sleeping in was uncharacteristic for Sam but Dean found it became him rather well.
Back at the table Sam told Dean that they´d go on the trip alone. Eileen feigned annoyance and claimed she could concentrate on their research much better without them being around. Dean directed a thankful nod in her direction when Sam was already putting his attention back to the text he had set aside for dinner. Eileen returned a kind, knowing smile with a hint of conspiracy in the corners of her mouth. Dean wouldn´t have minded her coming along but just him and Sam in the car for once not driving into something risky, he had appreciated that prospect. However, risky had found them but they beat it once more and now that they had returned he would put his focus back on their current task.
After the brothers had a shower Eileen cued them in about what she had dug up while they had been gone. An early inscription about Sheol had pointed her to a name that a cult used that worshiped something they called the “Before”, which had rather striking similarities to what they knew as the Empty. However a language barrier had brought her research to a stop at that point and Sam stepped in. Dean skimmed through some of the other books they had taken from the archive. Just like the previous days nothing he read seemed to be relevant. Hopefully Sam had come across something.
“Anything we can use?”
Sam shrugged indecisively. “They for sure really liked that .. Before .. the Empty. I can´t find anything that would harm or weaken it .. or even just bind it, they don´t talk about any vulnerabilities. They were all about strengthening it and reinforcing the peace that rests within.”
“Not sure about that peace, slumber sounded nice but dreaming of your greatest regrets ... that´s a rude awakening.”
Sam stared at Dean a tad bit too long, picking up the worry in his voice. Cas had been awake in the Empty before, maybe he was now as well but they didn´t know the specifics of his deal. The Empty sure did not like him not sleeping, him not being awake had probably been a prerequisite. Dean wasn´t even sure if facing an empty void awake or cruel nightmares asleep was the better option.
“At least we know the Empty doesn´t get much peace either after Jack´s detonation.”
“What does it say about strengthening it, maybe we can use that … or do the opposite. ..”
Plenty beers and discussion later the three of them had come up with a plan. Destruction or forcing the Empty to release Cas didn´t seem to be something within their possibilities and if they some day found instructions for that, they could still try that later. For now they settled on a bargain.
The spell work involved was not too intricate but it did prove a bit tricky to gather the necessary ingredients despite them being less unpleasant than what they were used to. To find all they needed they had to call in a couple favours by some hunters. Soil yet to receive the seed, wood from the funeral pyre afore the blaze and linen from the crib awaiting birth. These had to be joined in their state of lacking something and to be dissolved in the spirit of niter.
When they had corked the bottle they were ready to invoke the presence of the Before and hope the Empty would answer. A fast of 49 hours was required before one could offer themselves to the Before, the texts had demanded and Eileen and Sam had to hide one or two pies during this time period.
Dean truly felt empty when they drew the sigil with water, hoping this was what the texts meant with colourless ink. It seemed to be just the right interpretation.
Dean found himself in the all encompassing black of the Empty. He turned around and could see nothing at all. Another round and more of it. The third time there was a carved wooden chair, a throne almost hadn´t the picture of the body sprawled over it been thoroughly unregal. The Shadow sill used Meg´s appearance and just slowly lifted its head.
“I haven´t heard that call in a long time and I rarely awakened to answer it. But now … I´m … always … awake.”
Dean watched how the Shadow slowly sat upright into the chair, still slouching over and holding its head up with an arm propped on the armrest.
“Well, I´m here to change that.”
Dean saw that he had the Shadow´s attention, although its tone kept that unimpressed, inconvenienced and increasingly pained tone.
“Why would you, how would you?”
Dean pulled the bottle out of his pocket. “That´s how and the why … you´re going to release Castiel from his deal and from this place.”
“Why don´t I just take it from you. “
Dean felt something in his chest tightening and burning.
“You don´t know how to use it.”
The pain lessened slowly.
“Why should I trust you?”
“Would I bother talking to you if I was here to harm you?”
“You made it loud”, the Empty´s voice had risen but continued with a less accusatory tone: “You might not want to risk harming feathers.”
“This could benefit the both of us.”
The Shadow still seemed doubtful so Dean added: “Wouldn´t it stop either way”
Staring somewhere far behind Dean for a while the Shadow eventually sighed. “Go on.”
“First Castiel.”
“I cannot do that.”
“Why should I trust you?”
“I would, if I could, but this noise has been eating away at me.”
“You only have something to gain here, I´m not leaving without Castiel.”
“Have you ever not slept, Dean? Everything is wrong and everything is so exhausting. It is getting worse and worse. I don´t have control over the louder parts anymore. I can´t stand them. I cannot fetch your angel and spit him out before I haven´t recuperated.”
“I swear I will find a way to make this the loudest place if you try to keep Cas.”
“You already are”
This was not quite like he had envisioned but Dean knew his threat was empty and he had no real leverage at the moment, so he put his cards on the Shadow not breaking its word and caring more about its sleep than about Castiel.
The hunter held up the bottle and pulled out the cork that kept it sealed. It looked like some faint dark grey mist was slowly rising out of the bottle, upwards like smoke. It lingered a bit before it seemed to be sucked into all directions, following the pull placidly. There were no words to say for this spell. The Empty predated spoken language and it was silence that held it, in fact the texts had gravely forbidden to speak while opening the vessel.
“That was all?”, the Shadow deadpanned with raised eyebrows. “I don´t know how to do that?”
“Well I don´t see any bottles here, how would I know if you know how to open them.”
In the middle of the comment the Shadow ´s head had perked up and Dean could tell that it wasn´t even listening anymore. He watched how Meg´s face relaxed, how some weight fell off her shoulders.
“It´s getting quieter.”
“Awesome, how quiet does it have to get so you can get Cas?”
The Shadow ignored him for another moment before returning its attention to him. Its whole habitus had changed.
“I cannot do that.”
Dean felt his throat constricting and his blood boiling. Mending the Empty had been their best shot. He could only guess how long it would take to find something they could shatter it with again, now that they were out of Nephilims and ribs. His hand had involuntarily clenched into a fist and he spat: “What?! “
The movement the Shadow made with its hand was somewhere between dismissive and placating.
“I cannot give you the angel because he already left. I cannot give what I don´t have.”
“What do you mean?”
“Castiel is not here anymore. All you asked for is done already. Though, I do have to thank you, you …”
Dean cut the thanks short: “Where is Cas?”
“A place … that I don´t recognize anymore.”
“What´s that supposed to mean?!”
“Things are changing. And I´m so tired of it, I can´t wait to go back to sleep. ”
“No, there won´t be any sleep for you, if you don´t tell me where Cas is.” Dean stepped closer to the Shadow that was now sitting straight on its chair. Pain in his chest forced him to stop. He sneered at the Shadow.
“How should I tell you what I don´t know. But don´t worry I can call him for you, the line is still up. It´s the least I can do ... but I don´t promise that he´s going to answer. I can´t force him, if he doesn´t want to.”
There seemed to be some bitterness lingering under the nonchalant tone when the Shadow uttered the last sentence. Dean´s knuckles were still white, tension remaining high in his whole body.
Until he heard a sudden “Dean.” behind him. He turned around and indeed saw Castiel standing in the endless nothingness. Familiar Trenchcoat, twisted tie and all.
“Cas, are you alright?”
Castiel ignored his question. “Dean … why are you here?”
“To get you out,” Dean was confused as to why he had to explain that. “but you already had left.”
“Jack got me out.”
“Soon everything will be quiet,” the Shadow interrupted them with a pleased tone. “Don’t take too long to leave.” With that Meg´s form and the chair faded into the void.
“Cas can you just leave the Empty?” Dean worried. His exit plan had been the Empty releasing them.
“Jack equipped me with the power to do so on my own before I answered the Empty´s call.”
“Huh, he really is in charge of everything now …”
“Most of it. He´s doing good Dean, setting things right, making them like they should have been,” Cas paused. “I´ve been helping him.”
“And that´s why you couldn´t tell us?” The accusatory tone in Dean´s voice barely masked the pain and incomprehension.
Cas turned slightly away from Dean: “I did not want to ... burden you with …. “
“Not burden me?! What do you think, thinking you´re stuck in a place that´s worse than hell is? You being here cause you stopped Billie, for me … how do you think I could live unburdened by that?”
“I made that deal to get Jack out of the Empty.”
“But you didn´t need to go then, you could have lived ... but that´s not even the point. Why didn´t you bother to let us know? Not even a brief visit?”
“I had my moment of happiness, there´s nothing more for me.”
Cas face reminded Dean of the last he had seen of him before the Empty had dragged him out of the bunker. Just that there was more sadness in it, the acceptance and assuredness less clear.
“You said nothing.”
Dean´s heart was beating uncomfortably loud in his body. His jaw clenched under burning cheeks.
“I told you I loved you and you said nothing.”
Just a moment before Dean had thought it would take tremendous effort to make his jaw move again, to let his lips form words but now they came promptly: “You told me that you´re going to die Cas …. That you would sacrifice yourself … I didn´t want you to do that.”
It was the truth he carried in his heart, the part of it that could spill over his lips out into the world. The other part wanted to stay, contained and secure. Getting it over his lips was an effort but Dean saw that Cas need him to say it. It wasn´t enough that he had searched for a way to free him from the Empty. It wasn´t enough that he had found a way and was standing right here. It was not enough that he had wanted Cas back and done everything for it. Even not touching any pie for two miserable days. Everything he had done was not enough, all hung on some spoken words. Dean couldn´t move, it was like he was frozen in place, like stone but everything inside of his body seemed to try to make up for the immobility outside. How he´d regain control he didn´t know. His mind was blank and buzzing beyond capacity at the same time. He knew he thought everything he could think of at once but if he tried to think just one thought he could grasp none. Everything behind his eyes was a turmoil that seemed unstoppable and impossible to sort out, only the rigid shell of his ossified body containing it.
Dean felt remote controlled, as if he was watching himself speak when he finally opened his mouth.
“You always had me.”
His stern face did not match the emotional content of his words, Dean knew that but he could not help it. The only thing he managed to do was lower his gaze, Cas´ shoes adding a bit less to the mayhem in his head.
“I´ve lost faith in some of the things you did … but I never was able to lose faith in you Cas.”
Dean was surprised that he could even from words with how tight his throat felt. He had been strangled many times and each and every time had been easier to handle than this. But he had to.
“Alone with what you did to Sam back then I shouldn´t … I should hold you accountable but I can´t, not with you. Cas I know you tried, you always wanted the best. You saw something in us. Something not even Chuck could see in his own creation. And I didn´t live up to it so many times and you still stayed on our side.”
Dean raised his head again, his jaw compensating with clenching even firmer and his eyes feeling like they were locked in place by wrenches.
“No one was being themselves like you were. You defied Chuck, you defied heaven you were always true to yourself no matter who tried to tamper with you. You didn´t let them. That´s no crack … Cas you´re the only one that ever had it right. The only one that was whole. I didn´t change you Cas, that was always you.”
Dean noticed how his face finally caught up with his words, his brows softening and his lip quivering while his eyes teared up. Just his jaw kept rigid, forcing his constricted throat to swallow before he spoke again:
“I love you.”
Dean was glad that he felt arms wrapping around him and a firm body pressing him close. The decision whether to stare into the void or dare to look into Cas´ eyes and face his reaction would have overwhelm him. Untroubled by that he could simply melt into the touch. The embrace took away all the tension from his body. And suddenly it was not that difficult anymore to move when Castiel lifted his head from his shoulder and brought his lips to Dean´s. It was easy as pie to kiss back and move his lips with the pace Castiel set.
Dean brought one of his arms that had been clutching Cas´ back to the side of his face. How often had he felt the rough stubble on the palm of his hand? It was so different now that it wasn´t because Cas was injured and he had to fear for his life. Dean wasn´t holding on to him because he feared he was slipping away. He could enjoy this, a brief moment without worry, just Cas´ face under his hand and his soft tongue in his mouth. Dean had believed there had been nothing around them before but now even that had vanished for this moment, right along with the mayhem that had reigned inside of him.
Cas broke the kiss to look into his eyes. “Dean, I love you.”
It sounded so different than the first time. So much better. Dean pulled Cas closer again. It was like he could only now truly hear those words. Dean didn´t want to dwell on why that was. Didn´t want to replay these memories again. Cas just gone, him incapable of doing anything about it. Incapable of doing anything at all. Hard floor of the bunker under him, the phone he knew he had to answer but just could not ringing next to him. This was not what it was now. This was how it was right. Just that their current surroundings left much to be desired.
Dean felt like he was snapping back to he senses. “Wait a minute … that´s .. this place is different .. right?”
“Isn´t every place different in its own way.”
“I guess this one isn´t so different that you can show me what you look like?”
“I could but the result would not be desirable.”
“But your wings? You could let me see them?”
Cas brows furrowed for a moment but then he nodded. Dean stepped back a bit, whether it was veneration that caused him to do so or to get a better view he couldn´t tell. But he knew that he was in awe after a swoosh sound had briefly filled the air. He didn´t know where to look first.
“They are nothing like I remember,” Dean whispered.
“What you saw was just their shadow … but they also changed, just like I changed. When I raised you from hell they still were pure black.”
What Dean saw was dark and colourful at the same time. A rich black, that was so unlike the one of the Empty surrounding them that Dean wondered if you could even call these colours by the same name. A black that had something luscious and sultry but at the same time a strong, sturdy resilience and elevated the lighter hues in and around it. There was an amalgamation of all the colours he had ever seen in his life, and he could swear some more. All the shades or red, green and blue seem to stand beside each other and then again to come together in unity.
Any analogy his mind could come up with felt frustratingly inadequate. No rainbow had ever carried this enchanting shine. The way the oil had caught the light whenever he had spilled some while working on a car and it´s ever changing shimmer had caused Dean to learn the word “iridescent” but now, although it might technically be a fitting description in the end it was thoroughly insufficient to even begin to describe what he saw. He had seen a lot of oil slick on the concrete being carried away by the rain and dissolving but these wings gave the impression that nothing could even begin to do away with them.
Dean felt himself swallow and stepping a bit closer again. What he had seen in the whole span of the wings was mirrored in each individual feather. Sometimes his eyes seemed to have trouble making them out, as if the wings were a solid organism or made out of something completely different but then he could see them clear as day. The quills and what he would later learn was called barbs in the world of Ornithology. Each feather was a sight to behold on its own. Combined they looked so soft and supple, as if he could sink his hands in and feel something that would give the word tenderness a new meaning. At the same time Dean had no doubt that these wings could break his spine with just one swift movement. He wondered what it must be like to spread them and rise. He would never know but he didn´t need to.
Dean took a last step towards the angel and raised his hand, letting it hoover over one of the wings. Just shy of touching it. Castiel seemed to shift a little and the whole wings followed the movement. It was mesmerizing. He could have just taken in this sight for days but as compelling a thought this was it was not how Dean wanted to spend them.
“Cas, can you take us home?”
“I can.” Cas let the astral projection of his wings wrap around both their bodies and within the blink of an eye they had left the Empty.