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"hyung, am i sexy?" , san giggled and rolled his body in a sexual way while staring hongjoong right into the eye. The asked boy rolled with his eyes and turned his face away to hide the creeping on blush on his cheeks, nodded a little and sighed "you're the sexiest, san."
that's all the boy had to hear to regain confidence, or was it even confidence? Was it confidence when every time he looked into the mirror, when every time he stared at his body - the only word he would know that would describe it was 'sexy'.
choi san was sexy.
during his teenage years, san was never someone you'd describe as confident. He wasn't really proud of his looks, but he was a teenager. He wasn't supposed to be proud of his looks, he was supposed to spend his hours studying, singing for the church choir or helping at his grandma's farm.
choi san didn't need to be proud and confident of his body, the people surrounding him appreciated him anyways.
thanks to his father leading a taekwondo class, san had started to participate from an early age on. Now, looking back, he didn't feel himself being positive about this. But after all, it wasn't anything he would've been able to control anyways. His parents wish were always the first thing he looked at, before deciding anything on his own.
All those hours spent at the studio had gifted him with great stamina and flexibility, it had also made him muscular. It was supposed to be good, girls were supposed to like guys with muscles. Guys were supposed to be jealous of his tones arms and stomach and legs and - why was no one attracted? Why was no one jealous?
You could be as muscular as you want, if your legs and arms still resembled chopsticks it was no use.
San was too skinny.
Skinny girls were seen as something good, skinny guys were seen as weak.
It didn't matter if he won every game of arm wrestling, if he was able to carry around more books than others, if he was able to climb over fences easily.
San just simply was too skinny.
Once he had passed the audition and got to meet his now best friends, San remembered being jealous. He was jealous of yunho's and mingi's height and thighs. He was jealous of jongho, who was way stronger than him and who looked like he was strong, too. He was jealous of wooyoung and seonghwa's round cheeks and jealous of yeosang's smooth and yet sharp body line.
San felt like he stood out way too much, with his small waist, broad shoulders and way too skinny legs and arms.
And he was horrible at dancing, on top of that. Even now, after debuting and being an idol for two years, he still thought he was way too undeserving of all the love he'd been getting by his friends and fans.
"I am sorry for having such low self esteem", he had said one night, with everyone gathered around. Suddenly the voices quieted down, eyes turned to him and smiles turned into frowns. "what do you mean 'you're sorry'?", hongjoong had asked, worry glazing his face where happiness had been written before. San felt bad. He shouldn't have said a single thing. "why would you apologise?", wooyoung had asked, his voice changing from his usual excited tone to a lower, worried - almost sad one. San felt worse. He really should've kept quiet.
"it's just-", he sighed, pulled his knees to his chest and pouted. While looking at some fan taken pictures once, he had noticed how his normally so hollow cheeks looked rounder whenever he pouted. That's what he wanted. To look round, soft, pretty. And not sharp and uncomfortable, bony and thin. "i don't like the way i look. I really don't. I feel so stiff when i dance and i look like a twig next to you!", he had whined. He didn't want to cry in front of his friends, so he just gulped the sadness down, numbed his thoughts and voices and sugar coated everything that was actually going on in his mind. "sannie, you know you're beautiful to us, right?", yunho had said with a soft smile. A soft smile that made his chubby cheeks appear even more, a soft smile that made him look warm and inviting, comfortable and cute. "if you feel like you're too skinny, which i really can't understand because i would kill to be as skinny as you, how about trying to gain weight?", wooyoung had told him, a cheeky grin on his face.
How about trying to gain weight?
As soon as wooyoung had said this to him, the gears in san's mind began to turn in a concerning speed. Looking back to that moment, san felt surprised that his brain did not overheat from all this.
Trying to gain weight, what did that mean?
San decided to ask their dance teacher about it, even though he knew every answer already.
"You want to gain weight? Why? We don't want you to get fat..", his teacher had said, eyeing him with a concerned look. Not concerned about san per se, more concerned about his image. "I just want to gain muscles but… you need a bit of fat for that, right?", he had chuckled as nervousity hit his thin body. It felt overwhelming, so suddenly. As if his teacher's pair of eyes were equivalent to millions of eyes, staring at his body and picking out every possible flaw and edge. Flaws, san was already obvious of.
"Ah, gain muscles? That is actually a great idea!"
And his teacher told him how to gain weight.
'Eat more than you burn', he had told him.
gain weight, gain weight, gain weight… san's inner voice kept repeating as he was preparing his third meal of the day. It was only 1:00 PM.
"You're eating again?", jongho came up to him, looking at his packet of ramen. "Yeah, i wanna gain weight." Making his way to the fridge, jongho hummed in response. "how is it going, by the way? Already seeing some results?", the younger one asked as he took out an apple from the fridge, inspecting it for some short seconds and nodding to himself in agreement. San didn't really know what was going on in the youngest head but in all honesty; he didn't want to know. Knowing his thoughts would just scare him. "Not really, i mean… i haven't gained as much as i wanted, honestly. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong." San sighed as he opened his ramen packet and placed the noodles into the boiling water. "Maybe instead of eating unhealthy junk, how about sticking to protein?", jongho chuckled and went back to him, biting into his apple with a grin. "You know how much sodium ramen contains? This is so unhealthy, hyung. You're not gonna get far with this." San sighed. Jongho was being annoying, as always. Ever since he had started watching his stupid protein, fat and carb intake, jongho had gone crazy, or that was what san thought.
It wasn't normal to refuse food just because it had 'one gram of fat too much'.
"Let me eat what i want.", san mumbled and stirred his noodles before adding the flavour package, "salt makes you gain weight, doesn't it? So it's fine."
Jongho just shook his head and laughed. "Sodium makes you retain water weight, bloat into an ugly balloon and will make you feel horrible. Ask yunho after his weekly binges on ramen and salt crisps."
You care so much about nutrition, San had thought, it is kind of funny.
When the clock turned 2:00 AM, san's phone alarm went off, waking up the poor boy. "Fuck off, I don't wanna do this.", he whined but still ended up forcing himself to get up. He didn't feel hungry, he didn't want to eat. But he had to, he had to gain weight.
With a small whimper, he walked out of the room, eyeing wooyoung's sleeping figure while passing his bed. Oh, why couldn't he be more like him? Thick thighs, thick arms, muscles everywhere...
He didn't expect to find hongjoong in the kitchen, eating sandwiches, but he also didn't feel too suprised. Hongjoong always did this. Barely ate during the day but indulged in food as soon as the sun went to bed. It didn't help that his hyung suffered from insomnia, too. "Sanie? Why are you awake?", hongjoong asked and tilted his head in confusion. With a small sigh, san pointed at the fridge. "Food.", he just said.
"You shouldn't force yourself to eat at night, san.", hongjoong had told him softly as he watched san cry over the bowl of peanut butter oatmeal. Hongjoong had continued to watch him eat his oatmeal, not stopping even after it turned cold. San had watched Hongjoong eat his fifth sandwich, even after almost throwing up because of the fullness.
How funny, San had thought that night.
Another time, San was alone with Seonghwa and Wooyoung. The others all had personal schedules to attend, so it was only the three of them. "Are you hungry, san?", they both asked him with a hopeful grin, and san had to hold back a sob. Was he hungry? No. Did he also only gain 2kg after overeating for two whole weeks? Yes. San had to eat, food kept him alive.
Food was needed. So what it was too much, so what it made him turn in his bed in pain because his stomach was too expanded, too full.
Food was needed.
San didn't even question why his friends cooked him meals highest in calories. He didn't even question why they added an unholy amount of oil into the meal, too much butter, too much 30% fat cream. "Eat up, sanie, you deserve it.", both of them said as they placed the plate in front of him, sitting down right beside him. "Aren't you both going to eat something, too?", he mumbled as he picked up the chopsticks, not daring to look at his friends. "Are you crazy?", seonghwa said with a slight chuckle that suddenly sounded so cold, san could feel the room freeze. "We both are on a diet, san. You don't want us to gain weight, right?", wooyoung laughed, sending goosebumps down his spine. Those two didn't seem to be san's friends on that day. Rather, they seemed to be demons, little demons that enjoyed watching their friend gulp down thousands of calories in a span of 30 minutes.
Though even now, san wasn't quite sure if they even looked at him, instead they probably looked at the food every second.
Seonghwa, calculating calories.
Wooyoung, calculating calories.
It's really funny, san had thought that day.
"Mingi, I am jealous of you."
Mingi, who had washed out his mouth with water, looked up to san. "Jealous? Of me?", the taller asked as he washed his hands with soap to get rid of the acid he had just come into contact with. "Yeah, jealous.", san said sighing and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. He was used to the smell of vomit already, everyone of them were. They were all used to Mingi visiting the bathroom, like an old friend, after meals. "I wish I could just not gain weight and instead throw up, like you. It seems so easy. I think i could eat way more like that."
Mingi nodded. He understood what san was saying and at the same time the words went through one ear and left through the other. "I mean, yeah. It is easy to just throw up, but i wouldn't suggest that. You want to gain weight, don't you?" Now San was the one who nodded. He wanted to gain weight, that was true. Though, even if he didn't know it yet, he wanted much more than just 'gain weight'. "I really want to gain weight, but it doesn't seem to work. Eating so much... It makes me sick. I don't think i can continue this." With a sad smile he watched Mingi through the bathroom's mirror. His cheeks were bloated from throwing up, his eyes teary and red and his nose was still running a little. Mingi looked sick, like that. For some reason, San wanted this too. "Yeah, I get you." Mingi didn't get him. "If you don't like this, maybe just... Don't? I mean, don't get me wrong but instead of gaining fat, just bulk up. Protein, dumbbells... You can be like jongho in a short time." San pushed himself up from the bathtub and nodded. "Yeah, I could.", he had said, knowing damn well he couldn't. "By the way, I don't think you threw up the cheese sticks yet." With these words, San left the bathroom. Even though he wasn't looking, he could see Mingi hunching over the toilet, desperately shoving his fingers down his throat.
It is getting funnier each day, for some reason, he had thought in that moment.
Yeosang was crying again and it was getting on san's nerves. "I said I don't want to eat fruit! I can't eat fruit, you all know this!" Wooyoung and Hongjoong were once again trying to make Yeosang eat something with nutrition, the boy even refused to eat his vitamins. He was picky, in some way, but San knew he couldn't control it. For some reason, yeosang was just... Different. "Yeosang, please. One bite won't hurt, i promise.", wooyoung tried to coo his best friend into having a piece of the banana. It was completely yellow, not even a brown spot was there. It was probably the first time san had seen a perfect looking fruit. "If it won't hurt, then why don't you just eat it? Huh? You're here trying to get me to eat one of my fear foods for nutrition, but when was the last time you had something to eat?"
Yeosang was yelling, wooyoung was triggered and Hongjoong was desperately trying to keep his anger down. He hadn't slept in two days, had indulged in too much sweet food and when san squinted his eyes he could almost see his body still shaking. "Alright everyone, let's stop it here." Yunho had said with his soft smile, took the banana away from wooyoung and placed it back into the basket with the other fruits. But none of them looked as perfect. "Yeosang, take whatever you want to eat. But please don't be mad at anyone, we're just trying." With a tiny sniff, yeosang got his package of fruit jelly and nodded. "i am sorry, woo.", he mumbled and held out his hand to his best friend. "i am sorry too, yeosang", he had mumbled, had shaken his hand, before leaving the room. "See, all is okay now!", yunho grinned proudly as he pulled the still shaking hongjoong onto his lap, pressing his head softly on his shoulder and hugged him tightly, while the smaller one lived out his sugar rush.
Nothing was fine, san knew that. Wooyoung was probably gonna starve for a few more days, Hongjoong was probably gonna binge on chocolate covered ice cream tonight as well.
Somehow, San found the whole situation funny.
It's like watching a comedic movie, he had thought as he forced himself to eat another bowl of mac n' cheese.
"Why are we doing this, yunho?", san had once asked after crawling into the older one's bed. It was late at night, both of the boys just had finished their night binge. San, because his alarm ringed. Yunho, because he was stuck in a binge cycle currently. This time they didn't see hongjoong, though. The older male had finally passed out from the lack of sleep and exhaustion, he was finally getting the rest he needed to survive the next five days of restless nights. "What do you exactly mean, san?", his friend had answered him as he had turned to his side to be able to look san straight into his eyes. San, whenever he thought about this moment, felt the huge urge to kiss the other. "You know what i mean", san had said with a sigh. "All of this. Why do we hurt ourselves like that? It doesn't make any sense."
Yunho had hummed and wrapped his arms around san's small waist. "I don't know, san.", he had told him. Why did no one seem to have an answer? Not even now, not even after all this. San still, up to now, was not able to give a straight answer. A reason. It was there, but... It was not. Maybe there had never been a reason, maybe it was just another part of san's wide imagination.
"I don't like this anymore, yunho. I want it to stop."
Pulling him closer, Yunho had kissed his temple softly. "You should sleep, sanie."
San had slept that night, to the sounds of seonghwa reassuring wooyoung that he was starving for a reason, to mingi throwing up in the bathroom just to feel empty for a few seconds, to jongho counting the repetitions of pushups he was doing.
Four months later, san had successfully gained 5kg. Wooyoung had successfully lost 15kg. Seonghwa had gotten his abs which were before covered in a thin layer of fat, mingi had to get five cavities filled, hongjoong had to visit the hospital after passing out because of the lack of sleep. Jongho was able to split fruits with one hand, yeosang had to get a feeding tube to fill in the empty spots of missing vitamins. Yunho had gotten out of his binge cycle and went back to restricting his intake.
Fans were calling his cheeks chubby and soft, they loved his weight gain. Even if it was barely noticeable.
Looking back now, it was really the funniest comedy show San had ever witnessed. A funny, pathetic and pitiful comedy show.
'San's waist is so crazy thin... I am so jealous' , 2100 upvotes - 39 downvotes
'Choi San aka. Kpop's thinnest waist!' , 1378 upvotes - 26 downvotes
'San more like dorito shape wtffff' , 1222 upvotes - 28 downvotes
How about building muscles?