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Karma watched as Amy approached the mic, reaching out like she was going to tap it then withdrawing her hand at the last second. She looked uneasy; usually public speaking didn't faze her, because she didn't like other people enough to care about what they thought of her. After a moment of Karma giving Amy her most encouraging smile, Amy locked eyes with her and visibly quailed.
Everybody around them was waiting; some were starting to murmur and Amy's mom had a look on her face that said, oh Lord, here we go. Karma tried to will Amy to continue, but she was deliberately looking elsewhere now like she was consciously avoiding Karma's gaze. Eventually she choked out, "To Mom and Bruce," vaguely raised her glass, and made a stumbling, graceless exit.
Instinctively, Karma followed her. Her back still ached from when she had fallen on the dancefloor with Amy, a bruise she wouldn't regret making. Outside the marquee she caught up with Amy, who was openly crying now.
"Amy, are you okay?"
Obviously she wasn't, and Amy managed to give her a vaguely scathing look even through her tears.
"Right. Stupid question." She moved toward Amy to give her a hug, but Amy recoiled at the first touch.
"I'm fine. It's just..." She gave Karma an imploring look as if she were trying to make Karma figure out what was upsetting her through sheer force of will, but when Karma remained silent Amy shook her head. "It's nothing. I guess it's just a lot to deal with, Mom getting married and everything."
"Right." It was definitely a lie, but if Amy didn't want to tell her what the matter was then Karma wasn't going to force her. She settled for saying, "You know you can always talk to me, Amy. I mean, if there's anything else."
"Of course," Amy said, plastering a smile on her face that would have been more convincing without the accompanying tear tracks. Then her face dropped. "Oh. Great. There's Liam."
Karma spun round, her heart plummeting when she saw the anger in the hard set of his face.
"Karma," he said, "We need to talk."
"I can't believe Liam just left," Karma said. It had been three weeks, two days and seventeen hours since their breakup at the wedding, not that she was counting. She was making progress on the getting-over-him front – well, she'd unfollowed all his social media accounts, at least – but then this had happened. "I mean, I get why he broke up with me over the fake lesbian thing, but did he really have to fly to the other side of the world to get over it?"
Amy gave her a look that was, at best, fond but exasperated – mainly exasperated, if Karma was being honest – and she poured Amy a cup of coffee, setting it down on the breakfast bar between them. "Bolivia is not on the other side of the world."
"That's beside the point." The point was, Liam was no longer here, he was off in another country helping orphans via art therapy or something like that. Building schools, maybe? It was apparently some way for him to "find himself," or in other words, it was a way for him to lose Karma.
"Do we have to keep talking about Liam?" Amy asked. "I know you're emotional about the whole thing, but it's getting a bit much."
"Seriously? I think I'm entitled to talk about him. I just went through my first breakup."
"Yeah, three weeks ago." Amy rolled her eyes, but before Karma could interject she said, "I'm sorry. It's just... I guess I'm just jealous because at least you had someone, you know?"
Karma swallowed the Liam-centric thought she'd been about to verbalize and decided to be magnanimous instead. "I'm being self-centered again, aren't I?"
"No, no, it's fine. You just went through a breakup."
"It's not fine. I've been going on and on about Liam, and I haven't been paying any attention to what you're going through."
Amy's eyes widened a little. "I'm not going through anything."
"Come on, I saw how upset you were at the wedding, and you've been a bit closed-off ever since. Don't think I haven't noticed, because I see everything when it comes to you. So why don't you tell me? Is there a boy you like?"
Amy laughed. "There is definitely no boy."
"Okay, well let's find you one! I need a new project to distract me from Liam. I'm going to dedicate myself to finding you a boyfriend." Karma waved her hands around in excitement, spilling some of the coffee that she'd forgotten she was holding. But whatever. She had a new mission in life.
"Oh god, please don't." Amy was silent for a moment, then she said quietly. "The truth is, I like..."
"Who?"
Tapping a soft rhythm on her coffee cup, Amy swallowed and said, "Girls. I think I like girls."
"Oh." It took a moment for that to sink in. Karma found herself staring at Amy, her focus tight on the worry in Amy's eyes. "The whole time we were pretending to be lesbians, you were actually a lesbian?" It wasn't the most supportive thing she could say, but it was the only question that was presenting itself to her.
"Well, I don't know if I'd use that word, but... basically, yeah." Amy gave an apologetic shrug, her fingers tapping faster now.
"Okay." Karma tried to phrase her next question as delicately as possible. "So was there a specific girl that made you realize?"
"Uh... Jennifer Lawrence. Yep. I'm secretly a big fan."
"So it wasn't making out with me that made you realize you like girls?"
"Oh! No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous. Correlation does not imply causation, okay? I don't have feelings for you. Well, I mean, obviously I have feelings for you, but like... platonic ones." Amy stopped babbling for a moment then, quieter, said, "You're not weirded out by this, are you?"
"Of course not, Amy." She reached out and squeezed Amy's hand. "I'm really glad you told me. I don't like having secrets between us."
When Shane suggested an underground dance party, Karma jumped at the chance. It sounded exactly like the sort of place she'd always imagined going to when she was popular, and now she was – well, less so since she and Amy had officially broken up, but she was still cool enough now to be invited to underground clubs. She may have still been smarting from her breakup – her real one, with Liam – but this was a perfect balm for that particular wound.
Or it would have been, if she hadn't been abandoned halfway through the night. Shane was in the middle of the dancefloor, grinding on some guy with facial piercings and a questionable tattoo, and Amy had gone to get herself and Karma drinks fifteen minutes ago and hadn't resurfaced since. There was only so much Kim Kardashian: Hollywood that Karma could play to look occupied, and she couldn't even text Amy to find out where she was because there was no goddamn cell reception down there.
Five more Amy-less minutes passed and there was nothing for it: Karma would have to investigate. She pushed her way through the throng of tall, sweaty people at the bar, but all she found were gross guys who leered at her and asked if they could buy her a drink. Amy refused to materialize.
Using her shoulders and elbows as weapons, Karma fought her way through the crowd until she saw the door that led to the bathrooms, hoping to find Amy somewhere along that dimly-lit corridor. In one direction there was a line of drunk, chatty girls waiting for the bathroom, and in the other were stairs leading up to freedom. Karma was tempted to call it a night and just leave, Amy be damned, but there was a couple midway up the stairs making out, blocking her path. They were two girls, and Karma couldn't see very clearly but she could see the way the dark-haired girl had both hands on the blonde girl's face, kissing her with purpose.
And then she pulled away, and Karma realized who the blonde girl was.
"Amy?" she said, loud enough that half the girls waiting for the bathroom turned around to stare.
"Uh, hi." Amy had the kind of expression that was usually accompanied by blushing, but it was too dark to tell. She turned to the girl whose tongue had been in her mouth ten seconds before. "This is my friend Karma. Karma, this is Reagan."
This was the part where Karma should have said hello, but the word wouldn't form when she opened her mouth. Instead she said, "I've gotta go."
Amy stared at her. "But – "
"I just don't feel very well." Karma climbed the stairs, giving Amy and Reagan as wide a berth as possible when she passed. "It was nice to meet you, Reagan."
Reagan didn't look convinced.
The next couple of weeks passed in a miserable blur, as it became increasingly clear that Reagan wasn't just a random girl Amy had made out with, but an actual thing that was happening. Their relationship seemed to be developing way too quickly for Karma's taste, and she was starting to realize how few non-Amy friends she had, even though she was ostensibly popular now.
"So, what are we going to do this Saturday?" It was Monday morning and they were at their lockers, about to start school for the day. Since Amy had met Reagan, Karma had to get her plans in order early, because Amy was no longer reliably available whenever Karma wanted. "I was thinking maybe we could go out."
Amy at least had the decency to look guilty when she said, "Sorry, Reagan and I are going for dinner. There's this new restaurant where – "
"That sounds great." Clearly Karma needed to start planning more than five days in advance. "But we're still on for movie night on Friday, right? I mean, it's kind of our standing date."
"Um, I actually –"
"Let me guess, you have plans with Reagan on Friday too."
"We'll do something the weekend after, I promise. I'm sorry I'm spending so much time with her, but it's just exciting to be dating someone, you know? And she's so awesome. And hot. And an amazing kisser." Amy had a dreamy kind of expression on her face that looked entirely unnatural on her.
"Obviously I'm happy you've found someone you like, especially considering you hate most people." That sounded way more sarcastic out loud than in Karma's head, but Amy didn't seem to notice. She was leaning back against her locker, staring off into the middle distance and clearly thinking about Reagan.
"You know she makes this sound when we're kissing that's kind of like..." Amy trailed off. "Well, it's really cute. And sometimes she does this thing with her tongue where –"
"Okay, I get it," Karma snapped. "This is exactly how I used to sound about Liam. You don't need to tell me every detail about the inside of Reagan's mouth."
Amy stared at her. "I'm just telling you about the girl I like, what is your problem? Is this because we had to break up our fake relationship and now you're not the center of attention anymore?"
"Of course not," Karma said, folding her arms across her chest. "Sorry, I was out of line. I think maybe I just got a bit jealous because I miss Liam, that's all."
Amy's anger seemed to dissolve. "Oh. Right. Sorry. I guess I shouldn't be flaunting my new relationship when you're still upset about your breakup."
"No, it's fine, you totally should." Karma shrugged it off, but she couldn't shake the suspicion that her irritation had nothing to do with Liam. It was all Reagan.
"Huge news," Karma said, bursting into Amy's room the same way she'd done since she was a kid. "I'm – "
Speechless. Amy was in bed, naked; the sheets were bunched around Amy's waist and there was a person-shaped lump between Amy's legs.
The person-shaped lump shifted and revealed itself to be Reagan, because duh, of course, Amy has a girlfriend now and maybe Karma's bursting-in-unannounced days should be behind her. Because Karma really shouldn't be finding herself in situations like this, where she was confronted by a light sheen of sweat on Amy's chest, mussed up sex hair and flushed cheeks, and the angriest scowl she'd ever seen on Amy's face (and let's face it, there was some serious competition there).
"Karma," Amy said eventually, like maybe when Karma had been staring for a second or ten too long. "What the fuck?"
Snapping to attention, Karma got a hold of herself. Or tried. Her eyes kept wandering places they shouldn't go. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize – I'm gonna go. You guys... carry on. Have fun." She cringed at herself and stopped before she could say, remember to use protection. (Do lesbians use protection, anyway? She would have to google that later. For, uh, reasons.)
"Karma, you're still staring."
"Right! Going now. Sorry." She fumbled behind herself, eventually locating the door handle, and exited, still flustered. She had a feeling that image was not going to leave her brain.
It took until lunchtime the following day for Amy to thwart Karma's attempts to avoid her, finding her on the steps outside school. It wasn't the most elaborate hiding place, but it was hard for Karma to be creative when she was feeling so mixed-up about... she didn't even know what.
"So, what's your huge news?" Amy said, settling beside Karma.
"What?"
"You were going to tell me something before you realized what you'd walked in on." When Karma didn't say anything, Amy nudged her with her foot. "Come on, please don't be awkward about this. It's not that weird – it's just that I'm a person who has sex now. Yay me!"
Karma struggled to smile. "I know, and obviously I'm happy for you. I just wasn't expecting to witness it, and obviously it was my fault that I did, but--"
Amy rolled her eyes. "But how about we move past it. Come on, what's your news?"
"Nothing, it's stupid. It's not really news," Karma said, but Amy gave her an encouraging, non-judgey kind of smile, and Karma found herself spilling as usual. "I was just going to say that I'm pretty sure I'm over Liam now. Like, for good. I realized that I went a whole week without thinking about him once, and then I only thought about him because Shane showed me pictures from Liam's Instagram, and I didn't even feel anything. That's all."
"Well hey, that is pretty huge."
"Don't make fun of me."
"I'm not! Seriously, I am well aware of the amount of emotional energy you wasted on that boy, and I'm happy if you're no longer doing that. You deserve someone who makes you happy, like me." Amy opened and closed her mouth a couple times, blushing furiously. "I mean, uh, I mean like I have. I'm talking about Reagan."
"You two have really taken things to the next level, huh?" Karma said, and Amy pulled a face.
"Yeah. She even wants me to meet her parents."
"Why don't you try on the blue dress?" Karma suggested. "I think it'll be perfect: hot but parent-appropriate."
Most of the contents of Amy's closet were strewn over her bed, and the majority of her clothes had already been put in the "No" pile by Karma. She'd officially banned the idea of pants, and now Amy was looking at her small selection of dresses like they'd burn her if she put them on.
"Come on, try it for me. You did ask for my expert advice for a reason." Karma picked up the dress and thrust it at Amy, who was still looking unsure.
"I'll just go put it on in the bathroom," Amy said eventually, and Karma found herself blushing.
"Yeah, of course," she said. They'd never been awkward around each other, not like this, but now all Karma could think about was Amy splayed out on the bed, breath short and face flushed, and the worst part was that from the look on Amy's face, Amy was thinking about that exact moment too. Karma squirmed a little where she stood, trying to think of anything else, but then Amy came out of the bathroom wearing the dress, her expression so nervous and eager for approval, and Karma's brain short-circuited.
"Whoa," she said. "It's – I mean –"
Amy smiled shyly and, turning around, said, "Will you zip me up?"
"Uh, sure." Karma's mouth was a little dry – probably just because it was still novel to see Amy looking so glamorous. She reached for the zipper and fumbled a little bit, distracted by the smooth skin of Amy's bare back. Images of Amy mid-fuck flooded into her brain again and she took a moment to breathe, then pulled the zip up and touched Amy's arm, turning her around.
"How do I look?" Amy said, biting on her bottom lip.
"Incredible," Karma said, looking Amy up and down until her gaze settled on the curve of Amy's mouth. They were standing close, close enough for Karma to count Amy's eyelashes, but then she took a step back. "I mean, Reagan's going to love it."
Amy looked flustered for a moment, or maybe a bit wistful, or something else Karma couldn't figure out. "Thanks. She, uh, she's picking me up soon, so I don't know if you want to stick around, or..."
The last thing Karma wanted to see at that moment was Amy and Reagan together, touching and kissing and generally being a couple – just because it would be awkward, having walked in on them at their most intimate, and maybe Karma was a tiny bit jealous because she was tired of being single and wanted a relationship of her own. "I'll leave you to it," she said and she forced herself not to look back at Amy as she left.
"So, uh, Reagan and I are kinda no longer a thing."
Karma flopped down on Amy's bed next to her, shuffling away a bit when she landed too close.
"Uh-oh. Is this an ice cream and rom-com type breakup, or more of a go out and get laid situation?"
"Neither," Amy said quickly. "It's not that dramatic."
"What happened?"
The ceiling had more of Amy's attention right now than Karma did. Karma was propped on her elbow, studying Amy's face to find what she was hiding, but Amy was resolutely looking elsewhere.
"I don't know. Nothing really. It just kind of... fizzled. I'm fine," Amy said, looking at Karma now, but she didn't look fine. Her bottom lip was wavering – not very much, but from this close it was noticeable.
"Are you sure? You seemed super into her."
Amy sighed. "I think I was just into the idea of having a girlfriend who was actually, you know, real." She was chewing on her bottom lip now – definitely preoccupied, bordering on upset – and was back to staring at the ceiling. "I liked her and everything, but I guess she didn't really match up to... I don't know, my ideal relationship. Shane thinks I'm an idiot and I should just enjoy getting laid."
For a long moment Karma said nothing, her brain stuck on you told Shane before me? She didn't say anything, because she was trying to be a better best friend and that meant not making things about herself when they were really about Amy, but it still stung. What she said instead was, "Shane doesn't know what's best for you. And clearly you're a secret romantic who's waiting for her one true love."
Amy cracked a smile. "Have you met me? I am not a romantic."
"I think you are. I think you want hearts and flowers and grand romantic gestures and a happily ever after."
Amy made fake retching sounds, but she was smiling again, the smile that was the most beautiful Karma had ever seen. Maybe Karma was selfish, and horribly self-centered – she'd been called both – but after a lifetime of earning that smile, she couldn't imagine anyone else deserving it.
And then Amy wasn't smiling, she was looking at Karma with an expression similar to the one she'd had at her mom's wedding. "Karma..." she said, breath hitching a little, and Karma didn't know what was coming but she felt wound tight with anticipation.
"On second thought," Amy said, "let's go out."
Amy ended up choosing a lesbian bar for them to go to, and it was kind of overwhelming when they walked in. Karma had never seen so many girls making out before; she didn't know where to look. When she glanced at Amy, she seemed just as nervous.
"Have you been here before?" Karma asked.
"Um, no. But I did go to this lesbian coffee shop once when Shane was trying to find me a girlfriend," Amy said, pulling Karma close so she could be heard over the music. "And I completely embarrassed myself, of course, due to my negative amounts of game."
"Well, I doubt that's going to happen now. Who wouldn't want you? You're clearly the hottest girl in here," Karma said, linking her arm in Amy's and giving her a friendly nudge. She was trying to be encouraging, but Amy's mouth kind of twisted up like Karma had said something wrong.
Trying to recover the situation, Karma said, "Right, I'm buying you a drink," and marched them up to the bar, fumbling in her purse for her fake ID. She ordered two cosmopolitans, which she'd never had before but sounded sophisticated, and Amy gave her a bemused look.
"I would've been happy with a beer."
"Well, we're celebrating," Karma said, clinking her glass against Amy's when their drinks arrived.
"I thought we were commiserating about my breakup?"
"Oh, no, definitely not. We're celebrating your newfound singledom, because now you're free to find someone you really love."
Three drinks later, they were sitting at a table, Amy clutching at Karma's arm as she recounted a story Karma wasn't completely following, but it seemed to involve Lauren and an avocado.
Karma didn't hear the punchline because she was too busy eyeing the girl who was approaching their table, looking determinedly at Amy. Faking a laugh, Karma threw her arm around Amy, snuggling in as close as she dared and giving the girl a pointed look over Amy's shoulder. The girl retreated.
"Wait, was she going to talk to me?" Amy said, adorably confused. "She's kind of cute."
Karma shrugged. "She's wearing two different kinds of plaid. You can do better."
"But – "
"I think it's time for more drinks," Karma announced, standing up, and just then she noticed what song was playing. She'd know those opening chords anywhere. "Hey, it's our song! Come on, we're dancing." She held out her hand, and Amy's face just dropped.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not? It's our song."
Amy shrugged. "I don't really think it's that kind of a place."
True, no one else was dancing, but why should that stop them? "So we'll make it that kind of a place."
"I said no, Karma," Amy said, clearly annoyed now. She stood up, grabbed her purse and marched out of the bar, leaving Karma scrambling behind her.
Outside the cool breeze hit her and she wished she'd brought a coat. Amy was leaning against the outside wall, hugging her arms around herself and looking miserable.
"What's wrong?" Karma asked, and when she got closer to Amy she could see that her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Nothing. I'm fine," Amy said, and Karma sighed in exasperation.
"I wish you'd stop saying that when you're clearly not. If you're sad about Reagan, that's okay, but I don't understand why a Paula Abdul song would set you off like this. It has nothing to do with her."
Amy started to pace, scuffing her feet as she went, and Karma cringed a little because she was ruining her shoes. A beat, and then Amy spoke.
"If I danced with you, everyone would think we were a couple and no one would hit on me. You already scared off the one girl who was showing me any interest."
"She wasn't good enough for you. And it's not like you were making that much of an effort to find a girl, seeing as you spent the whole night talking to me."
"I know!" Amy said. "That's the whole problem."
"I don't understand –"
Amy leaned back against the wall, eyes closed like she was in pain. "Come on, Karma, don't make me say it. You have to have figured it out by now, you're supposed to know me better than I know myself."
"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't read your mind and you won't talk to me. Is this about Reagan?"
Amy spun round to face her. "Oh god, no. Karma, I broke up with Reagan because she wasn't you."
Words stuck in Karma's throat and Amy kept talking, the frustration on her face crumpling into distress.
"Karma, I'm in love with you. I tried to get over it but I can't, I can't stop thinking about you and I can't stop thinking about us, and sometimes I feel like maybe you have these feelings too but I know I'm just kidding myself, and –" She stopped, wiping away tears that left a smudge of black on her cheeks that looked like warpaint. "Karma, please say something."
She tried to choke out some words but nothing came out that made any sense. All she wanted to do was say something that would make it okay, that would make the hurt on Amy's face dissolve, but she was caught in indecision and all that came out was, "I can't – I don't..."
"It's fine," Amy said, but her bitterness was palpable.
"No, it's not." Karma hesitated, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment, and then she leaned forward, acting on instinct rather than decision, and kissed Amy – just for a second, because as soon as they made contact Karma pulled away, surprised at herself.
"What was that?" Amy asked, her voice fragile, and Karma felt like her insides were imploding.
"Sorry, I didn't mean – " Karma said quickly, because she didn't know what else to say, didn't know what to do, didn't even know how she really felt about any of this. All she knew was that she didn't want to hurt Amy even more.
"Fuck," Amy muttered, then after a moment she sighed. "I'm going to get a cab."
Karma watched as she made the call. It was clear their conversation was over, and they stood in silence as they waited for the taxi to come. Karma played with her phone just to look like she was occupied, because it wasn't like she had anyone she could text about this. Normally all her feelings-processing would be done with Amy, and that was hardly an option now.
She shouldn't have kissed Amy. It wasn't like she'd planned to or even knew where it came from; it had just felt right for a second, and then as soon as Amy had pulled away she had been hit by all the potential consequences.
The taxi pulled up and when Karma climbed in behind Amy, Amy gave her a weird look.
"I guess we're sharing the cab, then."
"Wait, you didn't call it for both of us?
Amy just shrugged and scooched all the way over to the other side and leaned against the window, the back of her head in silhouette against the rush of streetlights outside.
"Amy..." Karma said, and Amy turned, looking fearful and hopeful and so, so raw, and the words collapsed on Karma's tongue again. Everything about their relationship felt so precarious now where it had once felt so stable, and if they took this step everything was guaranteed to change.
It wasn't until later, when Karma was lying in bed, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes in a futile attempt to banish thoughts of kissing Amy, that Karma realized that things had already changed a long time ago.
Over the next few days, Karma found herself staring at Amy's lips on six different occasions and it became clear: she was completely clueless. Of course she liked liked Amy. How had she not realized that before? How had she kissed Amy at that aborted threesome and attributed that spark of heat to Liam? How had she confused the thrill of being with Amy with the thrill of being popular? Being with Amy felt so perfectly right, and she'd thought that meant their relationship was normal, but what it really meant was that their relationship was special.
But she still didn't know how to tell Amy.
A couple of times she tried, in a subtle kind of way. Too subtle, judging from the complete lack of response from Amy. Karma would be sitting in the cafeteria opposite Amy and she'd take Amy's hand, try to give her a meaningful look, and Amy would look away, blushing slightly, and she'd extricate her hand from Karma's grasp and grab her water bottle instead. Or when they were watching Say Yes to the Dress Karma would put her arm around Amy, and Amy would snuggle up and sigh – the sad kind – and nothing else would happen, because Karma didn't know what the next move was or even if Amy really wanted her to make it.
Eventually Karma figured she needed to use her words, because things were going nowhere and she could feel the tension building every time they were alone. So one day when they were hanging out in her room after school, procrastinating the bio project that was due in three days, Karma said, "So, the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up next Friday."
"I know, Lauren won't shut up about it. She tried to get me to help out with making decorations."
Karma swallowed hard. "Right, well, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to... go with me?" She felt suspended in time for a moment, like she was at the top of a rollercoaster just before the drop.
"Sure, why not," Amy said, and Karma felt weightless for a second before she saw Amy roll her eyes. "It's not like I'm going to get a real date in the next ten days."
"Great." Karma's voice sounded strangled; she coughed and tried desperately to get her expression under control. "So, it's a date. Um, a friend-type date. Two friends, going to a dance... platonically. You know, it's getting late, I think I'd better be going."
Amy looked at her like she'd grown another head. "Karma, this is your house. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Karma said, but she was probably nodding too vigorously to be convincing.
"Look, I know things have been awkward between us, given what I told you about, you know, my... feelings. But the thing is, I'm totally getting over that whole situation, so we're good."
The words flattened Karma like a cartoon anvil. "Oh. You are?"
"Totally," Amy said. "I was kind of drunk that night and just got a bit emotional and started exaggerating things. It's really not that big a deal."
"That's great," Karma said, and she thought they were both lying but she wasn't so sure she could still read Amy as well as she used to. "So we're on for the dance?"
"Why not?" Amy's smile looked pained. "As friends."
"Right. Just friends."
"Great."
Karma wasn't sure how she'd managed to mess up her plan to ask Amy out this badly.
Karma knocked on Amy's bedroom door. She still wasn't used to this, waiting for permission to enter instead of knowing she was welcome at all times. If things were how they were a year ago, Karma would have been on the other side of that door, trying on dresses with Amy, doing each other's hair, laughing and talking easily, but they couldn't really do that anymore. Maybe they could have tried, but it would have inevitably felt awkward and it was probably best that they didn't go there.
From the other side of the door, Amy said, "Come in," and Karma entered, stopping dead in the doorway. She'd seen Amy at her worst before and at her very best, but she somehow wasn't ready for Amy like this, all dressed up in a black tux made casual with an undone bowtie. She didn't just look beautiful, she looked the most Amy that Karma had ever seen.
"Whoa," Karma said, and Amy smiled shyly.
"You think so?"
Karma's mouth was a little dry, so she just nodded.
"You look amazing too," Amy said, and Karma was so close to crossing the room and pulling Amy into a kiss, but her motor functions didn't seem to be working.
"Are you ready to go?" Amy asked, and Karma let herself be pulled away from the privacy of Amy's bedroom, to the dance she was no longer sure she wanted to attend.
But it wasn't as bad as she'd feared. Someone had already spiked the punch by the time they arrived – i.e. Shane, who considered it a noble tradition and an important part of his legacy at Hester High – and with a bit of alcohol in her bloodstream and acceptable music playing and Amy looking like that, what was there not to enjoy?
After a while Karma was starting to get sweaty and breathless from dancing so hard, and she was just thinking about taking a break when the music changed, a slow song started, and she was presented with her chance before she was really ready.
But she had to seize it. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as she took Amy's hand and smiled at her expectantly. "Wanna dance?" There was that breathless moment of anticipation again, and then Amy shook her head and pulled away.
"I think I need some air," Amy said, and she turned and fled. Karma watched her leave, her insides chanting fuck fuck fuck, but she'd had enough of near-misses and misunderstandings and after a few shaky breaths, she followed.
Amy was on the roof, her favorite place to hide from Karma, and surely it meant that Amy wanted to be found. Karma sat down next to her, trying not to look down, and nudged her with her shoulder.
"Hey."
"Hey," Amy said back, and she looked miserable but at least she wasn't crying. She took a couple of deep breaths and looked straight ahead, out at the stars. "Look, Karma, you've got to stop doing this."
"Doing what?"
"This! All of this! Asking me to the school dance, wanting to slow dance with me, everything. You know I've got feelings for you and it's killing me. I mean, I was actually pretending that this was a real date. How fucking pathetic is that?"
"It's not pathetic," Karma said, reaching for Amy's hand, and when Amy tried to pull away she held on tight. "I've been trying to tell you – and it's been scary for me because I know it's going to change everything, and even though I want it and you want it..." She still didn't have the words, so she did the one thing she'd wanted to do for longer than she'd realized: she kissed Amy.
And Amy flinched away again. "I've told you, Karma, if you don't mean it –"
Karma touched a finger to Amy's lips. "I mean it."
Amy broke out into a smile, but not for long because Karma was kissing her again. They'd kissed before, chaste public kisses that officially didn't mean anything, but this kiss felt like their first, because it was the first time it had been real. Karma's hands were in Amy's hair and Amy whimpered into her mouth, the best sound Karma had ever heard.
They broke apart and Amy pressed her forehead against Karma's, looking at Karma in a way that was familiar and new at the same time, and Karma knew that Amy was the only person who'd ever really seen her, the good parts and the bad, and loved all of her.
Amy ducked her head and smiled. "You know, if we go back down there and start making out in front of everyone, people are going to think we're faking it again."
Karma kissed the side of Amy's mouth, and again, just because she could. "So let's stay up here where it's just us."