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I have to do this. You can't love me.
Shizusumi held Hiiragi's hands together, but it was not a touch of warmth. It was frostbite.
With Hiiragi's confession, Shizu wanted to pull Hiiragi into his arms. He wanted to hold his hands and caress his thin fingers. He wanted to scream out his own love for Hiiragi. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Not when he knew Hiiragi's love was misguided.
Hiiragi's expression was voiceless, but his eyes looked as if they were screaming in overwhelming pain. It crushed Shizusumi's heart. He felt a weight so unbearable overcome him that he broke eye contact and began to walk away, leaving his beloved Hiiragi to cry alone.
In the moonless night, Shizu dragged not even his own shadow along with him as he walked into the darkness. He was alone. As he had always been.
This was how it was meant to be, he thought. He knew Hiiragi loved Yuki, from the many times he caught him staring longingly at Mafuyu and Yuki's relationship. Everything in their little world revolved around Yuki as if he was the sun. A sun so bright he hated looking at it. He was a mere distant star in comparison.
Hell, he wasn't even a star. He was simply the moon that reflected off Hiiragi's light. But then again, the sun is the one that truly illuminates the day.
Who am I to think Hiiragi could love me, that I deserved his love. His embittered self didn't deserve to be exposed to such a precious and innocent radiance.
Shizu felt the trickling tears escape his eyes. He shut them tight, wincing from his own unbearable guilt.
Yet why?! Why do I want to go back?
He let out a deep sigh, his despair taking the shape of a cloud of icy fog just as cold as the words he had spoken.
His feet dragged on, leaving Hiiragi's side against his true will, knowing he would never be able to return.
He slept in an unsettling silence that night.
He never spoke a word of sympathy towards Hiiragi.
"Here are the papers," he said only what was necessary, but a sharp, chilling tension filled the air.
The edge of Hiiragi's eyes had visibly reddened, but he did not say anything to Shizu. No questions. No remarks. No shouting. Just the constant averting of his eyes. The normal readable Hiiragi became a stranger to him.
Shizusumi clenched his fist by his side, wondering what he was expecting Hiiragi to say after the irredeemable events of last night. Silently, without a proper exchange of words, he went back to his desk.
Day after day had gone by with no talk between the two. Sometimes, just sometimes, Hiiragi's eyes would light up at the sight of Shizu in the halls. However, the glow in his eyes was short-lived. It's as if by instinct, he began to raise his arm, ready to shout "Shizu-chan!" But as soon as their eyes met, his grief returned. With it, the stars in his eyes fell, collapsing with a heavy weight that Hiiragi no longer knew if he could carry.
When Hiiragi turned away, Shizu felt his chest sting. Deep inside his heart, his closed off emotions were a dam waiting to burst. His heart longed for the sound of his own name embellished in Hiiragi's voice.
No. He couldn't let his emotions overtake him. He knew it wasn't right. He could never be loved by Hiiragi. Not anymore.
"Don't you think Shizusumi and Hiiragi haven't been syncing lately?"
Uenoyama leaned towards Mafuyu to ask him in a whisper as to not attract the attention of Shizu and Hiiragi, who were on their way out.
"Of course they aren't. Shizu rejected Hiiragi's confession." Mafuyu finished packing up his guitar, and swung it around his shoulder. All while Uenoyama hadn't moved an inch, unable to comprehend what he had just heard.
"What?!" He had so many questions but only managed to stutter as his brain, now overwhelmed with questions, short-circuited. Fortunately, Uenoyama was able to collect his thoughts to ask one question. "What about the band?"
"How am I supposed to know?" Mafuyu responded bluntly, only fueling Uenoyama's panicked worries.
Outside the studio, Shizu and Hiiragi were on their way home. Living in the same neighborhood, their trip home had them taking the same route, which only prolonged the silence between them. Shizu walked a good few meters behind Hiiragi. Just far enough so that he could still see him in the distance. Shizu knew he was being selfish, still wanting to see Hiiragi despite what he had done to him, but he couldn't bring himself to leave him alone completely.
At one turn, as Hiiragi went out of view, Shizu halted his steps. What would come from this? He wondered, helpless and unable to carry on without Hiiragi's luminance.
Then suddenly, very briefly, Shizu caught a glance of blond hair with dark brown roots peeking from just past the corner. It was Hiiragi's hair. He had peeked over just like a cat. Was he really waiting for him? His heart began to pound. The beats of his heart were louder than his steps as he ran around the corner to find Hiiragi, who was still far ahead of him, just a meter closer than before.
A sliver of hope began to take form within his heart. Before he knew it he was right behind Hiiragi and turned him towards himself.
Shocked by the sudden action, Hiiragi jumped. "What?"
"I..." Shizu tried thinking of an excuse to continue talking. "Were you waiting for me?"
"I-" Hiiragi choked on his words, wondering why exactly he had went back to check on Shizu in the first place. "It felt wrong for you to not be here..." he mumbled.
Shizu's eyes widened, a part of himself was glad that Hiiragi still cared about him, but his mouth moved in contradiction.
"Why?! Just stop it." He shook Hiiragi's shoulders, shattering what had already been broken into tinier fragments.
No one spoke for a few seconds. Seconds that felt longer than hours. Seconds that felt like howling winds pushing you farther and farther away from where you wanted a go.
"Ah," Hiiragi pushed Shizu's arms off of him. "I get it."
Shizu anxiously awaited Hiiragi's next words.
"You hate me, don't you?" He let out a forced laugh.
Shizu froze. This wasn't what he wanted.. but what did he want? Was this for the best?
Before he could even process his own feelings, he had already firmly answered.
"Yeah, I hate it."
I hate that I can't tell you 'I love you.'
Hiiragi had long separated from Shizu, who took a longer route home after that.
He expected this, but in the back of his mind he had hoped it wasn't true. When his worst fears were confirmed, however, he couldn't help but feel his throat tighten. He used to be so sure about his love for Shizu, but now his mind was in disarray. His thoughts twisted and tangled like an infestation of branches crashing against one other.
His eyes began to well up with tears. Was he really going to cry about Shizu again? Why did it have to be this way?
I just want to go home.
When Hiiragi finally stepped through the front door of his house, he realized just how cold the surface of his cheeks were in comparison to the heated air around him.
"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes," his mom informed him.
"Ok," Hiiragi responded, knowing he had no intention to eat tonight. He just wanted to sleep. He would eat in the morning.
He shut his door behind him and sunk into the softness of his bed.
The light in the room was suddenly dark. Hiiragi had dozed off and slept through the rising of the moon.
He heard knocking on his door. After a few seconds of silence, his mom let herself in.
"Here," she put a small plate of food on Hiiragi's night stand since he missed dinner. She lightly patted Hiiragi's shoulder. "Eat it when you're ready."
Just as she was about to close the door behind her, Hiiragi choked out. "Mom."
Without any need for words, she rushed back towards Hiiragi and took her child in her arms. Her hands delicately embracing him with a warmth he hadn't been able to feel for what felt like years. He hugged her back, crying in her arms like a fawn protected by its mother doe.
He was able to sleep just a bit better that night under the crescent moon.
Shizu, on the other hand, arrived that night to a silent house with no one there to greet him. His foster family had given up trying to love him. He appreciated them taking him in, but after their persistent facade of friendliness he told them they didn't need to pretend to be his family anymore. After all, no one really wanted him. Not his father. Not his mother. Not anyone.
He laid back on his bed, exhausted.
The moonlight faintly painting his room with a subtle tone of whites and silvers. He caught a glimpse of the sky through his peripheral vision, and wondered where everything went wrong. He thought he was satisfied with watching over Hiiragi all these years, but before he knew it, he wanted him all to himself.
This had to stop. He knew if he went on any longer he would continue to hurt Hiiragi with his selfish desires. Yet he still wanted all of Hiiragi's attention on him, even if it meant he hated him.
"What an asshole," he commented out loud into the emptiness of his room. He looked out the window, eying the crescent moon, wondering if Hiiragi was looking at it too.
Two lonely people looked longingly at the moon this night. Although they were apart, with a wall formed between them in more ways than one, their hearts were connected. Like a tangled thread, the more they pulled apart, the tighter their knots became.
It had been narrowly over a week since Shizu and Hiiragi talked that night. They had still been going to practice, but the way they interacted so coldly with one another was surely noticeable to many. They hadn't been playing well together lately either.
Hiiragi opened the door to the studio yet again, ready for another uneventful day, but there was a difference this time.
"Band practice is cancelled today." Uenoyama stated.
"But you and Mafuyu are-" Hiiragi pointed to Mafuyu playing around with his guitar chords inside the studio.
"Cancelled," Uenoyama reiterated.
"How can you cancel practice? This is MY band I-" Hiiragi raced through his thoughts with a look of annoyance. "Why did you even call us here then?"
"You were clearly avoi-" Mafuyu was prevented from finishing his thoughts by Uenoyama's hand restraining him. Mafuyu looked up at Uenoyama for a second, who promptly let go of him, allowing Mafuyu to continue.
"Well, bye." Mafuyu shut the door between Uenoyama and Hiiragi before their talk turned into another fight.
Uenoyama then turned to Mafuyu, "What do we do now?"
"We wait."
"And if they don't make up?" Uenoyama asked, worried
"They will." Mafuyu looked at them both fondly through the window of the door. He had his faith in them despite his worries. He held Uenoyama's hand tightly in his, "We shouldn't interfere more than this."
"Bye." Shizusumi, unphased, began to walk back to the bus stop. Hiiragi walked a few ways behind him, his pace slower than usual.
Suddenly, Hiiragi fell forward and found himself caught in between Shizu's arms. He must've fell over from dizziness since he hadn't been getting enough sleep lately.
"Are you ok?" Shizu hurriedly turned Hiiragi towards himself to feel his forehead for a fever.
Hiiragi swiftly collected himself and shoved Shizu away. With this action, Shizusumi remembered that they both weren't on good terms. He had been moving without thinking, his worries about Hiiragi had overtaken his consciousness.
"Sor-" Shizu began, wondering whether he should really be apologizing or not.
Hiiragi stood in place, clenching his fists hard enough to leave indents of his short fingernails on his palm.
"Are we really just gonna leave like this?" Hiiragi burst. "Are we really gonna go to and from the studio without speaking? Isn't there something more between us than just childhood neighbours? Are you gonna continue," Hiiragi ran out of breath, or rather, words. "Are you just gonna continue fucking around with me like this?!"
Shizu froze. He had never seen Hiiragi so overridden with rage before. Shizu hesitantly reached over in an attempt to calm him down.
"Don't you realize how unfair this is?!" Hiiragi continued, swatting away Shizu's hand as if it was a pest.
"How can you care for me — act like you love me," tears broke away from his eyes. "When I can't even bear to love you anymore?!" Why am I holding onto this pain alone?
With an annoyed wince, Hiiragi pushed away Shizu and began to walk off.
Before Shizu realized it, however, he clung onto Hiiragi's wrist. To which Hiiragi turned around with a displeased look in his eyes. He didn't know what Shizu wanted anymore. And neither did he.
"You..." The dam finally began overflowing. "Do you really think that I can get rid of these feelings?!" His hand gripped tighter around Hiiragi's wrist, his fingers reaching the surface of his palm. "Do you really think I could leave you after staying by your side for all these years as you looked at Yuki?" He shouted, begging from within himself for Hiiragi to understand his feelings.
Hiiragi's eyes widened at the sudden change in Shizu's tone. He had never heard Shizu raise his voice before. He wasn't even focused on what exactly Shizu had said. Just then, he also realized that Shizu had never really shown a vulnerable side to him like this. In a way, Hiiragi felt a bit glad that Shizu finally got angry. His nonchalant demeanor earlier, when he didn't say a single word in response to his love for him, but laughed instead — That was the most painful thing Shizu had done to him that tragic night.
"Yuki?" Shizu's words caught up to him. What is he talking about? Me? In love with Yuki?
"Don't act dumb. I saw you looking at him and Mafuyu. You stared at them like you wanted to have that. You only love me because he's gone."
"I wanted-" Hiiragi pulled on Shizu's collar and hastily began to defend himself. "I wanted that," he trailed off, "with you." His grip on Shizu's collar became weaker, and his voice smaller, as he shyly looked down, focusing on his dark gray and white shoes to avoid his embarrassment. He closed his eyes, cursing himself for confessing again. Bracing himself for another rejection. Looking up only when he found pure silence meeting his ears.
This time, Shizu actually reacted to Hiiragi's confession. As if something clicked in him, he realized Hiiragi's true feelings. But his guilt ran deeper than his relief. He couldn't just turn back now. Could he? He wore a conflicted expression across his face, with anxiety glinted in his eyes.
Hiiragi tried to hold back, but he felt his hands clinging onto Shizu's shirt tighter and tighter. Clinging onto the idea of their relationship turning back to the way it should be.
Placing his hand gently on Hiiragi's, Shizu finally made up his mind. He intertwined his own fingers with his, and spoke.
"Will you forgive me?" His fingers tightened around Hiiragi's. Combining their warmth through their palms.
"No," he paused. "But," he pondered in his thoughts, and with a smile — a smile that Shizu had missed immensely, "You can walk me home. Truly together this time."
Hiiragi looked at Shizu, awaiting his answer, but to his surprise, Shizu pulled him closer into a warm embrace. The heat in their cheeks constrasting with the winds softly brushing past them, carrying with themselves the briskness of the night.
Shizu and Hiiragi looked at each other, moonlight reflecting in their eyes. They stood in the stillness of time, being held in each other's arms under the gentle glow of the gibbous moon. Sharing their warmth amidst the cold night.
"Okay."