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“You okay over there?”
Carlos is pulled from his spiraling thoughts by the sudden, direct question. He shakes himself out of his haze, blinking quickly as he takes in the image on the TV before him - a frozen Lucy drunkenly spooning “Vitameatavegamin” into her mouth. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn’t even notice when TK paused his favorite show.
He turns to look at the other man, noticing how the off-duty firefighter is laid out at the far end of his couch. TK’s wearing his signature hoodie-and-sweatpants combo, one of Carlos’s blankets thrown over his long legs, and a bowl of popcorn resting in his lap. His torso is twisted towards the TV, his left arm propped up on the arm of the couch, but he’s still tall enough that he takes up the entire space between them. Now that he’s paying attention, Carlos can feel the way TK’s toes press against his hip, gently nudging him out of his daze.
“Carlos?” TK asks, and Carlos takes in the concerned expression on his face, the questioning arch of his brow.
“Sorry,” he says, trying to remember what he might’ve missed while he was off in his own little world. “What did you say?”
TK watches him for a moment, refusing to break eye contact, before he moves the popcorn bowl to the coffee table, pulling himself up into a sitting position. He leans forward slightly into Carlos’s space. “What’s up?” he asks, his voice soft but obviously concerned. Carlos bites down on his bottom lip, wondering if this is really a conversation that he wants to have right now.
He and TK are in a good place; they’ve known each other for a few months, and though it’s taken some time, they’ve managed to navigate towards some sort of a friendship together, getting past their complicated beginning. Now, they find time to hang out most weeks, often exploring Austin; Carlos has shown TK some of his favorite places in the city, helping the other man find his place in Texas. However, both of their jobs can be taxing, so when the hard days hit, they just spend time at his apartment, ordering food and introducing each other to their favorite TV shows.
Through all of that, though, they’re careful not to get too deep. They stick to safe conversations instead, wary of where winding roads might take them.
For Carlos, it’s a matter of not wanting to seem pushy. They agreed to be friends, and while he thinks that means they can talk about things that bother them, he still waits for TK to come to him. And, sometimes, TK does, the firefighter often telling him all about taking his dad to chemo treatments and the older guy that bothers them there. While Carlos can clearly see the anxiety and fear that sits right behind TK’s eyes after those visits, the other man tells him that things are fine, so Carlos doesn’t push.
Instead, he tries to distract TK from all of the uncertainty. He takes him dancing, they try what seems like every authentic Mexican place in the city, they walk through artsy neighborhoods. Austin is known for its music scene, so they frequent cafes and bars with open mic nights. It’s a nice, distracting friendship, and Carlos loves the time that he gets to spend with TK. They have a lot in common besides their jobs, and it’s nice to have a friend who understands what it’s like to be gay and living in Texas.
He just doesn’t want to rock the boat and make a mess of it.
Which is why he’s not sure that he should tell TK what he’s currently mulling over. Unlike TK, Carlos knows that he won’t be able to just say that everything’s fine and move on; he can’t hide his fear and anxiety behind his eyes like that. He’s always been that way: too much of an open book, all of his feelings right there on his face, for everyone to see.
He knows that TK is being nice by asking, but he’s not sure if the other man can handle the answer.
“Carlos, seriously, you can talk to me,” TK says when Carlos remains silent. He reaches out, gripping Carlos’s forearm and giving it a little shake. “You’ve been distracted ever since I got here, and I know you’re not really watching this,” he admits, gesturing towards the TV. “If you want to talk about what’s going on in that head of yours, I’m happy to listen.”
Carlos looks at him, his face so open and desperate to help, and decides that maybe they can handle something deeper. They’ll never know until they try.
“I, um, I visited Michelle in the hospital after my shift,” he starts, staring down at his fingers.
“She’s okay, right?” TK confirms, scooting closer. “My dad got a call that she was going to be fine, they were just keeping her overnight for observation.”
“Yeah, she’ll recover from the accident without any problems,” Carlos assures him, biting his lip again. “It’s just, we got to talking about this other thing and…” He trails off, his voice catching in the back of his throat. “I just can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down.”
TK makes a noise of disbelief next to him, and Carlos looks up to find a dubious expression on his face. He raises his brow, wondering what could’ve caused that reaction.
“Look, I’ve only known you for a few months, but I have an incredibly hard time believing that you could ever let anyone down, Carlos,” TK explains without him having to ask. “I mean, the way you’ve been there for me this entire time, no matter what? There’s no way the same isn’t true for Michelle and literally everyone else on this planet.”
Carlos feels a sudden heat on the back of his neck, TK’s words shooting straight through his chest and into his heart.
The thing is, TK’s not wrong. He tries so, so hard to be there for everyone, no matter what. Ever since his father died when he was in middle school, he’s felt like he needed to step into his shoes, to be there for his mother and sisters. When it comes to his friendships, he’s the same way. His friends are also a part of his family, so why wouldn’t he be there for them too? The only thing he’ll ever really have to give is his love and support and understanding, so he doesn’t waste any opportunity to share those with the people in his life.
“Michelle’s been through a lot the past few years,” Carlos says, his voice quiet as he tries to navigate through this conversation. “I can’t tell you anything about it, it’s not my place to share it. You work with her and she’s your boss, so I don’t want to overstep and cause any problems.”
TK nods, giving Carlos’s arm another squeeze to show that he understands.
“I just… after talking with her at the hospital, I realized that she’s kind of been on her own with everything for awhile now,” Carlos continues, a slight waver in his voice. “And I don’t think I’ve made that any easier for her. I don’t think I’ve supported her the way I should have, the way that maybe only I could have.”
“You mean as a friend, or as a police officer?” TK asks, and Carlos’s wide eyes lock onto him, surprised that TK followed him through that messy confession. The firefighter just shrugs, the movement bringing them even closer on the couch. “I’m not just a pretty face, Reyes. I can put things together,” he jokes, elbowing Carlos gently in the side.
“I guess both,” Carlos admits, looking down in shame.
“Well, I’m sure if there was anything else you could’ve done as an officer, you would have,” TK says, leaning into him. “You’re damn good at your job, and I think if you’d seen a way forward, any way forward, you would’ve pursued it without a second thought. Sometimes timing matters, right?”
“I guess,” Carlos says, twisting his thumbs together.
“As far as being there for her as a friend,” TK continues, his voice seeming to strengthen with conviction, “there is still no doubt in my mind that you were there for her every time she needed you. Maybe Michelle wasn’t just able to see it at the time, too wrapped up in whatever this thing is to notice. That, and I think your guilty conscience might be working too hard to place all the blame on yourself.
“You’re only one person, Carlos,” TK says, shifting to rest his head against his shoulder. “Try as you might, you can’t save the whole world. But, you do what you can with what you know and what you have, I know you do, and that’s a lot more than what most people are willing to give.”
Silence falls as TK finishes speaking. The only sound Carlos hears is his heart hammering in his ears. He feels torn open and laid bare, truly seen for what feels like the first time in his entire life, and he’s not really sure how to deal with it.
Over the past few months, he’s gotten the sense that he and TK were a lot alike; that maybe they chose their respective jobs for similar reasons. Carlos can’t help but wonder if TK reading him so easily is a sign that the other man faces this world in much the same way that he does. It’s heavy, solidifying, this feeling of familiarity that defines their relationship.
Ultimately, he knows that what TK’s saying is true. If he let Michelle down in the past, dismissing her feelings without truly considering them, that’s just something that he’s going to have to live with for the rest of his life. He knows he’s tried to be there for her in other ways, tried to get her to move on, for her own sake. He’s always stopped himself from really going down that road with her, worried that the inevitable ending would destroy her beyond repair.
But he knows now that she needs to see this through, and as her friend, he has to be there for her while she does it. Maybe, with his help, with his support and love and understanding, he can keep her from tearing herself apart completely.
They have a lead now, and he’s determined to follow it. It’s the least he can do to make up for not believing her after all this time.
He glances down to where TK’s short, messy brown hair rests against his shoulder, feeling the way the other man’s fingers drag slowly against his forearm. His heart pounds in his chest, threatening to burst open. He shifts, gently pressing a barely-there kiss against TK’s head.
“Thank you,” he finally whispers, trying to pack everything he’s feeling into those two simple words.
“You don’t have to thank me,” TK says, looking up at him, their faces only a few inches apart. “I know you’d do the same for me. That’s what friends are for, right?”
“Right,” Carlos says, giving him a smile.
So, when TK texts him a few days later, worrying over Paul’s heartbreak, Carlos is right there by his side with a welcome distraction.
Because that’s exactly what friends are for.