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Jack knew that when he arrived at his parents’ home for Sunday dinner, he would have to have a good reason for the broken nose and two black eyes. He considered what to say on the drive over as he remembered what actually occurred.
It had started innocently enough late into their after-case drinks following the Rosewell case when Phryne mentioned to Mac several drinks in that she would need to obtain a new contraceptive.
“Did you lose it? Should we put up posters? Lost, one diaphragm, much beloved, last seen near the Green Mill. If found, contact the Honorable Phryne Fisher. Reward for prompt return. No questions asked.”
Phryne simply rolled her eyes. “No, I didn’t lose it.”
“Has it torn? You haven’t had it that long. You can’t have worn it out already! That one pet of yours who was using it as a bloody trampoline isn’t here, is he! I had nightmares for days after you told me about him! Simply not natural!”
“No, Auguste is still in Berlin as far as I am aware...thankfully. To be honest, I need a new one because mine’s in police custody.”
“Are you in legal trouble for using one? Have you called Jillian? Damn government trying to make women criminals for controlling their own reproduction…”
“Mac, I’m not the criminal, it’s in custody because it’s evidence of an attempted assault. Someone attacked me with a spider, and I used the pessary to defend myself.”
“You were attacked with a spider and defended yourself with a diaphragm? I’m not sure if I’ve had too much to drink or I need another one.”
“You see, the spider crawled up my arm and I swotted at it to get it off of me, then I used the first thing I could find to trap it.”
“Excuse me, you used it as a capture device? I may have to write this up in the Lancet.”
“Mac! Anyway, Dot, Hugh, and Jack ran in when they heard me scream. I explained what had happened and, about that time…ugggh, it… started… moving towards the door…”
“Your diaphragm made a run for it?”
“Not the diaphragm, the bloody spider!”
“So, it used the pessary as the get-away vehicle?”
“I guess you could put it that way. It didn’t get far because Jack had Hugh take it into custody.”
“Hugh Collins, resident virgin of the Victoria constabulary, arrested your diaphragm?
“No, silly, he arrested the spider, he just used the diaphragm. Now it’s in custody as evidence.”
“Hugh Collins used your diaphragm? Now, Phryne, I have told you before, some things just can’t be shared!”
“Mac, now you are just being ridiculous! Not only do I not share my birth control with my companion’s fiancé, I definitely will not be using that particular prophylactic ever again given it has been touched by an enormous, hairy, bloody spider!”
“Well, when you put it that way, I would recommend getting a new one.”
It was, at this point in the conversation that Jack, who had been relaxing on the chaise, found himself laughing so hard that he rolled, face-first, onto the floor.
While he concluded he would claim it happened in the line of duty, he couldn’t help chuckling until tears rolled down his cheeks at the idea of announcing at Sunday meal that his injuries stemmed from a burglarizing spider driving a used pessary.