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David detangled himself from the nest of blankets he’d made on the bed while he browsed furniture stores online. He was not- he had sworn to Patrick- buying anything for his apartment without his permission. He was hungry and thirsty. Patrick had got up to use the bathroom so he planned to shout for requests through the door on his way past. Now he thought about it he’d been gone a while. He crossed the apartment and was about to shout through the bathroom door to ask if the cafe’s meatloaf had finally crossed the line into health hazard.
He paused. It sounded like soft crying coming from the bathroom. He waited a second to be sure. Torn over what to do. Clearly Patrick hadn’t wanted him to see or hear. But he couldn’t ignore the fact his boyfriend was, for whatever reason, crying in the bathroom.
‘Patrick.’ he called softly, knocking at the door.
There was silence. He waited a second then tried the door. Patrick sat on the floor, wiping his eyes.
‘It’s fine David. I’m just coming.’
David folded his arms and leaned on the doorframe. ‘I’ve cried on enough bathroom floors to know this.’ he gestured at his boyfriend, whose eyes were bright red as was his nose, ‘Is not fine.’ he said. He pushed himself upright again. ‘Can I…’ he gestured to the room.
Patrick nodded. ‘Pull up some floor I guess.’ he shrugged. There didn’t seem to be much point in trying to cover this up now. David sat next to him. He didn’t touch him, didn’t speak. Patrick reasoned he had indeed cried on enough bathroom floors to let Patrick take the lead. He leaned his head on David’s shoulder for a second. Felt him lean over and kiss the top of his head. He hummed softly in response, then sniffed. David reached over for the toilet roll and ripped some off, handing it to him. He sat up and blew his nose. Taking more offered to wipe his eyes.
‘Thanks.’ he said softly.
‘Do you want to tell me?’ David asked softly.
Patrick shrugged. He wasn’t sure he even had the words. He felt utterly foolish. Which was why he was hiding in the bathroom. Which now made him feel even more foolish now he’d been caught. It was nothing. And everything. It was three in the afternoon and he had been having a perfect day at home with his boyfriend after a stressful, buty week. His parents had left yesterday morning, they’d been busy in the shop and all but collapsed into bed last night. Today had been perfect, after a morning of errands and grocery shopping they’d settled in for a long overdue afternoon together. And the next thing he knew, he was crying on the floor of his bathroom because of everything and nothing.
Patrick wasn’t answering. And so David’s mind leaped. Obviously. Things were fine. Weren’t they? Patrick’s parents had gone home yesterday, after extending their stay a few days. They’d had a nice time. David had been charming- in Mrs Brewer’s words. They’d come to the Store, gone to dinner with Patrick alone and with David, they’d even spent time- Lord help them-with his parents, and seemed to enjoy it. It had been a mess, but it was a mess they managed to make right. Patrick had been fine. Happy- really happy actually, to spend time with his family. And David could see a weight he hadn’t known was there had been lifted.
But even in the few seconds he thought about it, he worried. That somehow in there something had gone wrong. Either he’d done something. Or Patrick had a sudden change of heart about...well at this point anything and everything. It was an illogical leap given he just put his head back on David’s shoulder and looped his arm underneath to hold onto him. But his brain had never exactly been logical.
‘I have to ask…’ he said with a roll of his eyes he knew Patrick couldn’t see ‘Did I…’
He felt Patrick sit up. ‘No. God no.’ he said wiping his eyes. Just as fresh tears seemed to spring from nowhere. ‘No.’ he said, sniffing. David was the last thing from what was making him feel this way. He had been...beyond what Patrick would expect this last week. Which was enough to set him off again. He sniffed.
David nodded biting his lip. ‘Do you want to go into the Living Room and talk about it?’ he asked ‘Or do you want to sit on the bathroom floor and cry for a bit longer.’
Anyone else saying that would have sounded sarcastic. Mean even. But there was something so sweet and sincere about the plain, bluntness with which he presented them both as perfectly reasonable options that was...so nice. So nice in fact that Patrick just crumpled at it. Fresh tears springing as his face crumpled in what he was sure was a pretty unattractive look.
‘Ok Ok then.’ David said, pulling his boyfriend into him while he cried. ‘Crying on the floor it is then. That’s fine I’m really fucking good at it.’ he rubbed a hand on Patrick’s back as he hiccuped with a half laugh-half cry. He tried not to let his mind run away with him. But his chest ached. Patrick was properly crying now. He’d never seen him cry like this. He’d seen him well up- sneakily crying at films he claimed to hate, he cried at books- a trait David found incredibly endearing, but a soft gentle cry, not this. Even in response to emotional moments, he’d barely seen him well up, unlike David’s frequent sniffling which gave way to ugly-crying. The day of his party, he’d let himself get overwhelmed just for a second, and tears had flowed down his face. But this soft hiccuping sob was something else. It felt like it came from somewhere deep inside him. David tightened his grip around his boyfriend and leaned down and kissed his hair. ‘I got you don’t worry.’ he said, which only seemed to set him off more. So he held on tighter.
After a while Patrick felt himself calming. He hadn’t cried like that, in front of anyone at least, in a long time. Not since he was a kid. But that made it twice this week. On Wednesday he and his Mom had gone for a walk, a mini hike near some of the trails he’d discovered on moving here. His Dad had stayed to hang out with Johnny, already forming a fast friendship there. And he and his Mom had talked and talked. Making up for all the time they’d lost while he’d hidden things. They’d always been close, and he felt like he’d disappeared for two years on her. And then from nowhere, as they sat in a clearing watching the river, he’d started to cry and couldn’t stop. It had started with a choked apology to her for everything he’d done, and spilled out into a mess of everything- the hurt he’d felt leaving his old life, all the stuff with him and Rachel. How he was worried he’d hurt David. And all the dark messy stuff that he’d been keeping inside while he figured this stuff out. Except he couldn’t say any of it. So he’d cried in his Mom’s arms, and she’d let him.
‘Talk to David.’ she’d said as they walked back to the car. She was right. But he hadn’t been able to find the words. So instead, he was crying on his bathroom floor, his poor confused boyfriend hanging onto him. He managed to steady himself, halting the ragged breathing and sobs that escaped, he felt his body still. But David still let him lay there for a bit.
‘How you doing?’ David asked a while later, his voice soft and quiet. Again he was so matter of fact about it, like this was all totally normal behaviour.
Patrick pulled himself upright and looked at David. Who gave him a lopsided smile and reached out for his face. ‘You need some moisturiser’ he said. Which made Patrick laugh. Such a perfectly David response. And sure enough, David reached up to the cabinet, standing on his knees, and pulled down his pot of moisturiser. ‘I’m serious.’ he said with a quirk of an eyebrow ‘That’ll dry your skin right out.’ he bit his lip and gestured to the pot, asking for permission. Patrick nodded. David carefully dabbed moisturizer onto Patrick’s face. Against the hot burning skin where he’d cried it felt good. As did David’s touch. He worked his fingers gently around Patrick’s face, when he was done, he rubbed a thumb across his cheek.
‘Thanks.’ Patrick said quietly. ‘Tea?’ he asked. David nodded, getting up first and offering his hands, hauling Patrick up after him.
‘Oof.’ he said.
‘I’m not that heavy David.’ Patrick quipped. And quickly embraced his boyfriend from behind. Before quickly letting him go. Patrick went to go to the kitchen to make the tea, but David nodded towards the sofa.
‘Sit.’ he said. Then paused, and jerked his head towards the bed, ‘Or…’ he said then blinked, ‘I didn’t mean, I meant. Fuck.’
‘I know David.’ Patrick smiled. He debated for a second. But he felt exhausted and curling up in bed for a bit didn’t seem such a bad plan. He went to the bed and sat with the pillows behind him, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He picked up his phone from the bedside table where he’d put it to charge. There was a message from his Mom.
‘Hope you’re having a good weekend...your Dad is insisting we start painting the spare room, it’ll end in tears...have you talked to David yet...you should.’
He checked the time, just five minutes ago. He wrote back.
‘I just cried again Mom, what’s wrong with me?’
He glanced up checking, David was crashing about in the kitchen, making far more noise than he needed to for making tea. Patrick’s phone pinged again.
‘It’s been a lot honey, give yourself a break. And talk to David about it. He’ll understand. Better than I will.’
Patrick smiled fondly. His Mom really did love David, and it made him really happy. She’d also, probably correctly, told him, David would understand what he was going through better than she could.
‘You’re right.’ he sent back.
‘I know (talk to him) love you.’ she replied.
‘Love you.’ he sent back. Smiling at his phone as he put it down.
‘I’d make a joke about you having someone you’re texting, with that smile. But honestly you haven't had time.’ He put the tea down ‘But also I’m not confident enough to not believe it so…’
‘Well David, Roland and I have always had a connection I can’t deny.’ Patrick said, taking the tea. ‘It was my Mom.’ he said.
David nodded. ‘In which case send her my love.’ he sat on the bed, ‘Something I have and will never say about Roland.’ he scooted himself closer to Patrick on the bed. ‘She ok?’
‘Hmm.’ Patrick said, ‘Thanks for this.’ he said. He saw David nod. ‘She’s good. She um.’ he glanced over at David ‘She says I should talk to you.’
David nodded slowly and rested a hand on Patrick’s knee. ‘Am I to take it, this isn’t just about...just now?’ he raised an eyebrow.
Patrick nodded slowly, glancing over at David then back ahead. It was difficult, he was used to saying what he thought, or felt, straight up. But he was struggling. He went about working his way into it by explaining the conversation with his Mom.
‘We went for a walk- you know on Wednesday, when your Dad and mine were, well whatever they were up to.’ he was rambling a bit. ‘And we talked a lot, and it was really good, you know how close I’ve always been with her and it felt like getting that back.’
‘I’m glad.’ David smiled, squeezing Patrick’s knee. Sensing he needed to pause he interjected ‘you know your Dad came to visit me in the Store after he I don’t know got bored with Rose Video stories or something.’
‘He did?’ Patrick’s face lit up in surprise. David grinned at him. ‘Did he give you a scary Dad Talk?’
David shook his head. And Patrick could see tears in his eyes. ‘No because you are your Father’s son, and he is the sweetest most gentle man. A gentleman. Like his son.’ David shrugged, ‘We just talked about the Store mostly, now him I would let loose on creative decisions.
Patrick laughed. He could imagine his Dad was more in the business of giving decorating advice- as his Mom would attest. But he was glad he’d spent time with David. He knew his Dad found it harder to talk to him than his Mom. But he also knew how much his opinion mattered to him. ‘What then?’ he asked.
David smiled. ‘He said he’d never seen you happier.’ he said with a smile.
Patrick smiled, leaned back against the pillows, stretching his legs out. ‘He’s right.’ he said with a smile. ‘Despite...appearances.’ he nodded towards the bathroom.
David leaned over Patrick- who groaned- and put his tea down on the bedside table. Then propped himself up on an elbow. Patrick could hear him thinking and glanced over. He looked up from under his eyebrows. ‘You know.’ he said at last, ‘Just because this.’ he gestured between them, ‘Is good.’ he paused, giving Patrick a friendly poke in his side ‘And it’s good right.’ Patrick smiled and nodded. David nodded back. ‘That doesn’t mean that other stuff isn’t...hard, or complicated, or makes you feel things.’ Patrick looked over at him ‘Not that I’m an expert on actual human emotion’ he said with a shrug.
‘David.’ Patrick said, warning him. He nodded, and reached for Patrick’s arm, rubbing his thumb back and fore a few times. ‘You’re right.’ Patrick said eventually. He was staring ahead wondering how to start. The obvious, if not easy part seemed logical. ‘With my Mom.’ he started, ‘it was partly, guilt? And sadness, I guess. For the hurt I caused her, and Dad. And I guess Rachel.’ he stole a glance at David who was watching him with a neutral look, ‘And you.’ he said softly.
David nodded. They’d not really talked about it. He wasn’t about to ruin the perfectly lovely end to Patrick’s Birthday by bringing it up. But they also hadn’t had time since. But also there was more to this. ‘You think you hurt your Mom and Dad?’ he asked.
‘I know I did.’ Patrick said. Surprised by his certainty now. ‘Not, with what I ...told them’ He cursed himself for how it still stuck in his throat a bit. He’d get to that. ‘But for hiding it.’ he pulled his knees back up to his chest. ‘I mean I hid a huge part of my life from them for what, almost two years? I mean even before you and I...I don’t know it feels like I hid my whole life here. And we can’t get that time back, and they’re not getting any younger and…’ he shrugged trailing off.
‘Hey this isn’t- I mean they’re both ok right?’ David was suddenly worried there was some Brewer family secret he was missing.
‘Oh no totally fine, but you worry. And I’m an only child… it feels...like pressure sometimes.’
‘Want to swap?’ David said ‘Mine are cheap to buy, very expensive to maintain.’ He smiled, letting Patrick know he was joking.
‘I guess I was this perfect kid before.’ Patrick mused, ‘Went to College, got a good job...met a girl, was going to get married.’ the exhaled ‘And to their mind, I what, ran away from it all? For no reason. And then I ...lied to them.’ he nodded to himself, more than anything else. ‘I knew it wasn’t the right way...but I couldn’t figure out another way.’
‘I think.’ David said carefully, ‘You did the wrong thing for the right reasons.’
Patrick nodded. He picked up his tea and handed David his. He sat up and folded his legs under him so he was sitting sideways, facing Patrick. He knew he was waiting for him to carry on. He set his tea down and sat up straighter, then shifted crossing his legs too so they sat opposite each other. They looked like they were in Kindergarten waiting for storytime. David raised his eyebrows over his tea, waiting.
‘I’m sorry.’ Patrick began, locking eyes with David, ‘Firstly I’m sorry, I haven’t apologised to you for what happened on my Birthday, or before it really. David I’m sorry I lied to my parents about you, and I’m sorry I lied to you about it. It was wrong, and I hurt you and I should have trusted you.’
David blinked, and nodded. He raised his eyes for a second willing himself not to cry.
‘Firstly.’ he said slowly ‘Nobody has ever apologized for hurting me, and you always have. Whether it’s yelling at me over candles or...the big stuff.’ he held out his mug to Patrick who took it and reached it behind him to the table. ‘That puts you ahead of the curve.’ Patrick smiled at him putting down his own mug. David reached a hand over to Patrick’s knee, resting it there, moving, somehow needing to ground himself a bit while he thought. He’d gone over and over this in his mind all week. He didn’t want to blame Patrick for any of the things he’d gone through. He was trying though, to be better at saying the things he felt, rather than waiting and yelling them. And he’d hurt for his boyfriend too, he’d been trying to work it all out in his mind too, so he could help.
‘David?’ Patrick said, mirroring David’s gesture, resting a hand on his knee. David nodded at him. He could see he was thinking ‘Just tell me.’ Patrick said gently.
‘When my Dad told me your parents didn’t know, for a second I felt like the world fell apart. I think Dad did too. I know we joke, but he cares, about all the times before, all the people before...and as much as he felt terrible on your behalf I know he worried that this was about to ...fall apart.’ he looked up at Patrick under his eyebrows and watched him nod, he was going to let David run with this. ‘And for the twenty minutes or so between hearing that and speaking to you...yes, everything was falling apart in my head. You know what it’s like in there I couldn’t help it.’ Patrick squeezed his knee, and lifted a hand briefly to his cheek. David smiled into it, shifting to kiss Patrick’s palm. ‘I was torn between ‘he’s not really in this like I thought, if he’s hiding me’ and ‘he’s ashamed of me.’’ he saw Patrick’s face contract at that, ‘My mind went straight to, you were hiding me, and that was typically selfish of me. I didn’t think it was...you were hiding you.’
Patrick inhaled and sat up a bit straighter. He hadn’t thought of it that way either. David must have sensed it because he covered the hand that was back on his knee with his own.
‘The second I stood over there.’ he jerked his head to the living room ‘And you told me how scared you were to tell them, all that disappeared. It was about you.’ he squeezed his knee ‘I had it easy with my parents but you don’t get to be like me...us...and not appreciate how difficult and scary this is.’ he shrugged.
‘You really just switched in that moment?’ Patrick said softly. That conversation was a blur up until that point, the point he’d felt David’s hand on his back telling him it would be ok.
‘I love you.’ David replied ‘Even if I was hurt and confused by it…’ he shrugged ‘I wasn’t going to let you go through it alone.’ his eyes flicked down.
‘What?’
‘I just wish I had known sooner to help you through it.’ he shrugged.
Patrick nodded. ‘Me too. I was stupid.’
‘That’s usually what you tell me.’ David gave him a lopsided smile, then threw himself at Patrick into a hug. It knocked him off balance, and ended with him half hanging off the bed ‘David!’ he tried to scold but laughed, just as David kissed him. They laughed for a second. Then David pulled back slightly, cupped the back of Patrick’s head in his hands and kissed him, seriously and deeply. ‘What was that for?’ Patrick asked as he pulled back. David shrugged, and rolled off him. Patrick followed, rolling into him, throwing an arm across his chest, resting his head on David’s shoulder. David leaned down and kissed his head, letting him settle. He sensed there was more Patrick needed to say, but he maybe needed a break. That was confirmed when he felt him kiss his neck- a long established sign he was angling for something more. David instinctively arched into the sensation and inadvertently let out a soft hum. He realised being so busy this week that the last time they’d had a chance for anything was the night of Patrick’s Birthday.
Patrick hadn’t intended to shift focus to...something else. But a moment nestled in David’s neck, he felt what could only be described as a craving for him. His smell, the feel of him heavy in the bed next to him. Patrick felt like he missed him despite being around him all week. He kissed at his neck, his less than subtle sign he was trying to instigate something and grinned when he heard David hum under his mouth. He didn’t move for a moment, instead worked his hand slowly under David’s sweater, another well-worn signal.
For a few moments David let himself enjoy the sensation. He often felt a bit like a cat, when Patrick got like this, basking in being petted. But there was something joyous and calming about the way Patrick instigated sex sometimes, his slow kisses up his neck, a hand working slowly across his stomach. It was slow and languid, and like everything else so unlike a lot of what he’d experienced in the past, the hurried urgency and just ‘getting it done’, with Patrick it was more often than not a slow burn, and he sometimes still wanted to just dissolve into it. And while there were times they were hurried, urgent even, this felt like what they both needed right now. Patrick worked his way down his neck, towards the neckline of his sweater, while working his hand lightly across his stomach in a way that caused a soft growl to escape his throat. He felt Patrick chuckle into his neck at the noise. He lifted his head and locked eyes with David and exchanged a quick ‘we’re doing this?’ look. David used his eyebrows to answer yes. Again, Patrick always asked, however subtly. David wasn’t used to being asked before now. Patrick smiled languidly and shifted his hand, pulling himself on top of David.
Patrick took a moment to take him in once he’d shifted on top. David looked up with a wonky smile, and he felt his hands come up to his hips, holding him steady as he leaned in to kiss. They kissed for a long time, David’s hands working their way under his sweater this time, pulling his t-shirt free and running his hands up Patrick’s back.
It was slow, deliberate and passionate. Both of them taking their time, but also undercut with a charged hunger- a combination of realising they’d gone nearly a week without any real intimacy, and the bubbling undercurrent of everything else from this week. Eventually they both came, hard and fast within seconds of each other, each grabbing at the other to steady themselves.
David pulled himself up to meet him, so they were tangled up, Patrick in his lap. As he collapsed onto David’s shoulder, breathless and letting him hold them both up for a second, he felt something strange. He wasn’t sure what it was at first, an odd sensation ran through him, and his breath hitched in a different way. He pulled back a fraction to look at David, for what he wasn’t sure- clarification? Reassurance? Explanation.
‘What?’ David said still breathless and a bit delirious himself as Patrick leaned back in his lap. ‘Oh, hey, come here.’ he said reaching up to kiss Patrick’s cheek as tears fell there. For the first time Patrick realised he was crying. He breathed in a slightly ragged breath as the tears took hold fully
‘Sorry, sorry.’ he muttered, burying his face into David’s shoulder. He felt like something was emptying out of him, he wasn’t sad or scared or anything bad. But he did have a sense of being totally overwhelmed. Tears were hot on his cheeks as he buried his face into David’s shoulder, he could feel himself clinging too tightly around his waist.
David wrapped himself tightly around Patrick’s neck holding him still in his lap. He felt Patrick burrow into his neck and he felt him kiss his neck, along with the damp of his tears falling there. He held him for a few seconds before speaking.
‘Emotional release.’ David muttered ‘As important as physical release.’
He felt Patrick laugh against him, and his hands tightening around his waist for a second before pulling back. In a silent agreement, they maneuvered their way back to lying down, facing each other on their sides. David lifted a hand up and wiped at Patrick’s tears with his thumb. Which set him off again.
‘Sorry.’ he whispered, holding his hand on his cheek for a moment, before leaning over and kissing his boyfriend softly.
Patrick smiled. ‘No, I feel...better.’ he frowned. It was strange, like David said, a release. ‘That’s never happened to me before.’ he said softly. And mirrored David’s smile.
‘You were the first person...for me, too.’ he said softly. ‘You remember…?’ he looked down a bit embarrassed, biting his lip. But he felt Patrick’s hand come to his chin tilting it back up. He nodded and leaned over and kissed him.
‘I was worried, that I’d done something wrong, hurt you or...you weren’t happy.’ Patrick remembered it vividly. It was only the third time they’d slept together, Ray was out for the night and they’d spent only their second, unhurried full evening together. As they’d lay getting their breath back he’d felt a hitch in David’s breath and felt his tears on his chest. He’d held him there quietly for a few minutes while he cried and after David had promised he was fine-more than fine- but Patrick had always had a nagging feeling about it. Until now. ‘I get it now.’ he said with a little laugh through tears, ‘It doesn’t feel like…that.’
David smiled. He knew what Patrick meant. It didn’t feel like normal crying. With him it had felt like something cracked open inside him. In the best possible way. It was also the first time he’d really known he trusted Patrick more than anyone before. But he’d also felt a lot of other things, a rush of them all at once. It felt like something else. Patrick had needed it today that much was clear, but seeing him so vulnerable, so open after everything, was enough to set him off as was. ‘Dammit.’ he muttered, wiping at his eyes. ‘Come here.’ he whispered. Pulling Patrick into him, feeling him sniffle against his chest, while he let the tears fall into his hair, he had to take a breath to steady himself. If he let it, this could scare him more than anything else.
‘It’s ok.’ Patrick said, able to speak properly again. ‘It’s ok to be scared.’ he wasn’t sure if he was talking to himself or David. But he was relieved when David held him a little tighter for a minute. After a while he let out a long breath. Feeling a bit more in control. He turned his head. ‘You ok? He asked. David hummed in agreement. ‘We should get up.’ David groaned in response. But smiled at Patrick when he sat up. And returned his kiss.
‘Come on, I’ll feed you.’ Patrick said with a smile knowing that at least would move him.
They busied themselves in quiet, mostly companionable silence getting cleaned up and dressed, and eating a quick pasta dinner. Once they had cleared away the dishes, Patrick followed David to flop on the sofa. David reached a hand over to his shoulder and squeezed it in a silent question. Patrick guessed he must have looked like he was thinking. Which he was, the routine tasks had allowed his brain to wake up again, and thoughts to creep in. He smiled over at David.
‘That obvious huh?’ he said.
David shrugged. He could read Patrick’s face so easily by now. Even if sometimes he chose to ignore it - often to his detriment. But his thinking face was always clear. Even if usually it was followed by a list of the ridiculous things David had been doing, or a lecture on financial management. He drifted off again, clearly deep in thought and David squeezed his shoulder.
‘You ok?’ he asked. ‘I mean…’ he raised his eyebrows towards the bedroom, and jerked his head towards the bathroom.
Patrick smiled ‘A lot going on for one Sunday afternoon.’ he shifted so he could look at David ‘A lot of crying.’
David nodded. Letting him lead.
‘I’m not a big crier.’ he Patrick mused. ‘I know I said that.’ he jerked his head to the bathroom, ‘Never happened before but...I think I’ve never cried much before.’ he bit his lip. ‘I used to think it was just my personality but…’ he shrugged ‘I don’t know maybe you and your romcoms have done something to me.’
David let him make the joke, but edged closer and reached his arm tighter around Patrick’s shoulders.
‘Everything feels...at odds with itself?’ he looked over at David who was listening patiently ‘I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Really, truly.’ he smiled at David who smiled back ‘But I’ve cried more this year than my whole life.’ David ran a hand up the back of his neck to his hair. ‘And I feel.’ he paused and sighed. ‘Guilty.’ he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, resting his chin on his hands.
‘Guilty how?’ David asked evenly, moving his hand to Patrick’s back. ‘You can tell me, I won’t be offended, look we get given all these messages from the world about what we should be, or shouldn’t be, and it’s ok if you’re struggling with that with-’
‘No. God no.’ Patrick twisted to look at him ‘Sorry.’ he said ‘I’m not making this clear. I don’t feel guilt, or shame, or whatever for who I am. I promise you.’ he locked eyes with David who nodded. ‘I feel guilty that it’s so hard, because I know who I am now, and I’m happy, and yet it took me so long to talk about it, or I’m crying about it, but not really about it and I’m just...I don’t know…’
‘Confused?’ David said with a smile. ‘Funny that’s what everyone always says about me.
Patrick laughed and shook his head. ‘I’ve never known anyone less confused about who they are.’ something flickered over David’s face as he said it, and he reached a hand to his knee. ‘What?’ he asked.
David shrugged. This was about Patrick not him. Would it help to open up the box of his past? But it also might help he conceded. ‘This.’ he gestured to himself ‘Hasn’t always been, this.’ he shrugged.
‘What happened to ‘I brought a couple home in college and told my parents to deal with it.’?’ Patrick asked, tilting his head.
David rolled his eyes and leaned back against the sofa. Patrick had an exceptional memory, something that often went against him. And this was no exception. ‘That may not be...the entire truth.’ he said. ‘I was trying to make you feel better.’ he shrugged.
Patrick couldn’t help but smile. It made sense that if David had had a more...complicated experience than he let on, then he wouldn’t have chosen that time to tell him. ‘What then?’ he asked ‘I mean your parents are...great right?’ for all their faults, for their past, the Roses were nothing but accepting of David.
‘I may have been a disappointment in many other ways, but no you’re right never that way.’ he looked down and found Patrick taking his hand. They rarely held hands, and Patrick often used it as a way to get his attention, focus him. He nodded, letting him know he knew what he was doing. He sighed. ‘Ok what actually happened was Alexis accidentally outed me.’ Patrick frowned at him. ‘So I guess you could say I came out twice?’ he shrugged ‘When I was 18, they’d assumed I was gay for...well forever I suppose. It won’t surprise you most people do.’ he felt Patrick squeeze his hand. It was a strange thing, probably to most people, even other Queer people, ‘straight until proven otherwise’ was usually the default. David had spend most of his life having to prove he wasn’t just gay...he sighed again trying to wrap his head around it. ‘My Mom just asked me outright over dinner one night if I liked men. And it wasn’t a lie so I said yes. And that was that. I mean Mom was showbiz Mother of the year, and a gay son was probably more marketable or something.’
‘David.’ Patrick said, squeezing his hand again. David didn’t look at him, so he leaned up and kissed his cheek. ‘David.’ he said softer. He knew it wasn’t a terrible story. People had it much worse, but his heart still broke for elements of his old life.
David glanced over. He could see Patrick was feeling this deeply on his behalf, understandable given where his head was at. But he didn’t want to give into the melancholy reflection just yet. ‘It was fine. She was fine about it- a little too fine sometimes, in her trying to make sure I was dating, a thing she’d later regret. My Dad was fine too. It was only later he had any reservations.’ David shifted a bit to look at Patrick again ‘Nothing they did was bad, they never intended to be ...anything less than accepting. Just...life.’ he shrugged ‘So, yes in college, I was dating this couple- and by the way this is just me, who I am, was not you know, how you have to do it, not that it’s wrong or anything, though you could say I am not the poster child for it being a healthy way to live your life and-’
‘David.’ Patrick said again squeezing his hand, slowing this roll enough for him to breathe. ‘I don’t judge you for you past. Only some of the outfits I’ve seen.’
David managed a laugh. And breathed. He was right, Patrick was intrigued by, occasionally confused by, David’s past life. And mostly the only opinions he expressed were anger towards the people in stories David shared, when they treated him badly, which was most of them. And sorrow for all the stuff that had made David how he was. He nodded, took a breath and continued.
‘Alexis knew I was seeing the girl, not the boy. My Mom knew about the boy...Mom brought up my date at dinner, and Alexis said the other name. And well. Pansexuality 101 over Friday Night Dinner.’ Patrick lifted their hands together onto his lap and shifted a bit more towards him. He was absently rubbing his thumb over David’s hand and the gesture was soothing. David closed his eyes for a second. ‘They were just confused. And I think they’d long ago accepted me as gay, they thought- and given I’d just admitted ot being in an open relationship with two people this is understandable- I was just acting out, doing it for attention, whatever. I guess I didn’t do much to prove them wrong for a while.’ he shrugged. ‘I wasn’t.’ he said quietly, dropping his gaze to their hands. ‘I was just sort of following wherever my heart- or whatever other body part- led me.’
‘How does it work? I mean, not pansexuality 101, just for you, how did you know?’ Patrick was still running his thumb over David’s hand, and they were both looking down at it now. David shrugged, and sighed.
‘I just always fell for everyone. Obviously far more than I should when I got older. When everyone was picking dates for Elementary School dances, I fell in love with a boy. But two months later, I fell in love with a girl. I was confused by everyone telling me you had to pick one.’ he paused again, he squeezed Patrick’s hand, and he squeezed back. ‘It was always love you know. I always just fell for people with my whole heart. Until I learned not to.’
Patrick squeezed his hand. And leaned over, dipping his head to kiss his boyfriend lightly. ‘I love you.’ he said softly. Feeling like David needed to hear that right now. He had never doubted David’s good heart for a second, but it was telling perhaps that the heart he protected so fiercely now had been what led him to need to protect it so.
‘Don’t answer if you don’t know...or don’t want to.’ David said carefully ‘But how did it work for you?’ he bit his lip and glanced sideways. He’d never asked. It wasn’t his story to ask for, but maybe now was the time to push Patrick to talk about it.
Patrick nodded. He understood David wanting to know. He was so open about himself. And part of his frustration with himself was not being able to articulate any of this properly. He smiled, at the only answer he could give. ‘You.’ he said with a shrug. ‘As much as I’m reluctant to give your ego that boost.’
David nodded slowly. ‘I mean obviously.’ he said with an eyebrow raise ‘But was there never, I mean with all the stuff you said about the first time we kissed and all of that...was there never anyone before who…’
Patrick shook his head. ‘I suppose I’m just exceptionally dense. I can see now, how yes, that’s what it was with other people...but until you...nobody. I don’t know why.’ he paused ‘Some days I really don’t know why.’
David laughed and leaned over and kissed his boyfriend first on the cheek, then turned his face towards him to kiss him properly. ‘Some weeks I know.’ he felt Patrick smile into his kiss. ‘You really never knew? Even when it didn’t feel...right?’ his eyebrows practically met in the middle.
‘It didn’t feel ...wrong.’ Patrick had spent a lot of time working this part out. ‘It was...fine. Everything was...fine.’ he shrugged ‘I just figured, everything you’re supposed to feel was just’ he stole a glance at David ‘Romcom nonsense and nobody really felt that way.’
‘But what about..’ David rolled his eyes. Apparently he was uncharacteristically being a prude.
‘Sex?’ Patick said, amused at David’s mild embarrassment. ‘Again it was...fine. I um.’ it was his turn to be embarrassed now ‘I guess I always enjoyed things, um by myself? More. And I guess, looking back if I was you know, looking at stuff, it wasn’t...the girls that made it...better.’ he made a face ‘David I’m no good at talking about this stuff. I don’t have the language like you do.’ he shrugged.
David shook his head, and shifted to face him. He reached up and took Patrick’s face in his hands. ‘What did I tell you?’ he said, ‘This is deeply personal to you. And you talk about it in your way ok?’ he leaned over and kissed him. ‘Sorry if,I, you know, pushed too much.’ he felt Patrick shake his head fractionally.
‘No.’ he said quietly ‘I think, I think I need to talk about it.’ he bit his lip and David leaned over and kissed him again.
‘Ok.’ he nodded, reaching back down for Patrick’s hand. The little tie between them had become reassuring now, a way to gauge how this was going.
‘It’s so silly.’ Patrick said, ‘I mean it’s so obvious now. All of it, and I just didn’t know.’ Suddenly he was crying again ‘Fuck!’ he exclaimed ‘What is wrong with me?!’ he wiped at his eyes ‘David what’s wrong with me?’ his face crumpled and David pulled him into him, hugging him close and burying his face in his shoulder, letting Patrick get out a few shuddered breaths before pulling back.
‘Nothing.’ he said wiping away some of the tears that were falling thick and fast now. ‘There is nothing at all wrong with you, you hear me?’
Patrick sniffed, wiping at his face. ‘It was all supposed to be fixed now!’ he said, aware he was raising his voice now, but he was angry, stupidly irrationally angry at himself, or at the universe or something ‘Now that my parents know, and everyone can know, it was all supposed to be fixed! So why do I feel like this?’ he jumped up suddenly, pacing in the small space, needing somewhere to put all this which was bubbling up inside. ‘And while we’re at it, why didn’t I know? David why am I so stupid that all those years I didn’t know? I wasted what half my life? Not knowing. Living a lie, that I have to feel guilty about forever now, because I didn’t know! I just didn’t know and I’m so stupid! I just didn’t know! And it’s.’ David was up and stood in front of him ‘It’s not fair!’ he said before crumpling into David’s chest, dissolving into sobs while David wound his arms around him.
‘No, it’s not fair love, it’s not fair.’ David said feeling him heave with sobs underneath him. ‘It’s not fair you have to feel this way.’ he held on and let him cry, for long minutes he stood in the living room, in the life Patrick had built for himself, and let him cry for the life before. And for everything he’d missed. Eventually he steadied himself and David unwound himself a bit. Pulling back so Patrick could detangle himself and look at him. His eyes were red and swollen, and his cheeks stained with tears. ‘Hey.’ David said softly.
‘Sor’ Patrick started.
‘No.’ David said firmly. ‘No apologies. Not for feeling this. Not for you. None of it.’ he flicked his eyes down asking silently for permission. Patrick flicked his eyes in response and David leaned in and kissed him, a slow, reassuring kiss that felt to Patrick like it grounded him. Reminded him he was home. In every sense. He was safe, with David, here. And it was all ok. All of it. David pulled back and rested his forehead on his. ‘This stuff is difficult. It shouldn’t be. But it is. I’ve had half my life, you’ve had two years. Some of it you’ve had five days with. Give it time ok?’
That set him off a little bit again. He sniffed and nodded. And leaned up for a soft kiss. ‘You still make me feel right.’ he said softly.
‘Good.’ David said. ‘Good.’ he closed his eyes, and pulled Patrick into him.
‘Please always keep making me feel right.’ Patrick whispered ‘I can figure out the rest if you do that.’
‘I promise.’ David said into his hair.
They stood for a long time in Patrick’s living room, David holding him tightly. Until eventually Patrick pulled back and took his hand and led him to the sofa. He held up an arm and let David resume his usual position curled up at his side. He ran a hand through his boyfriend’s hair and reminded himself that this felt right. This was what right felt like. He didn’t need all the answers as long as he had right.