Chapter Text
“There is a man who would give his life to keep a life you love beside you.”
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
London, 1903
“I have every intention of doing all I can to help Jesse– whether he wants me to or not.”
Grace stepped forward, out of the shadows. Her green earbobs danced in the light, like the jewelled eyes of cats. “In that case,” she said, “do tell me more.”
And Lucie did tell Grace more. Much more. She revealed her powers to her – the warlock abilities that she had inherited from her mother’s side. That finally explained why she was the only one, besides Tatiana and Grace, who could see Jesse. But not only she was able to see all kinds of ghosts, she could also make them obey any of her orders.
The two girls long discussed about finding a way to bring him back. Lucie tried to figure out if she could do it with the only aid of her powers, but she soon realised that they were not strong enough to perform such a ritual alone. It was Grace the one to bring up the Black Volume of The Dead first – she had overheard her mother talk about it on some occasions. Thus, Lucie did some research and found out that it was kept at the Cornwall Institute.
· · ·
London, March 1904
They spent months researching and studying, building up the perfect plan. Eventually, after they made up a very questionable but still credible excuse, Will surprisingly allowed Lucie and Grace to travel to Cornwall, but at one condition: they would need a chaperon. Lucie hadn’t yet spoken to a soul about their dangerous plans, it was a matter of life and death – quite literally. She hadn’t even told James, or Cordelia, who was still to become her parabatai. She really wanted to, though, and probably would have, once she found a solution.
While Lucie was still arguing with her father, begging him to trust them and let them go alone, Matthew Fairchild stepped in, gallantly volunteering to be the one to escort them and make sure their trip would be safe. He certainly didn’t have a soft spot for Grace, but indeed he had always had one for Lucie, and he would have done anything to see her happy.
After Grace’s spell on James had been broken and his true feelings for Cordelia had finally been declared, the pair had happily married and were still together to that day. Matthew’s feelings for Cordelia had slowly faded away, overcome by the joy he felt for his parabatai, who finally seemed to have found his place in the world. Matthew’s old feelings for Lucie, though, had suddenly come back to the surface. He had tried to convince everyone, himself included, that it all had been just “a phase”– but the truth was far from it. He’d once again found himself pining for her, more intensely than ever before: he so badly wanted to court her, to marry her, to build a home and a family with her, to give her a happy life – but she’d always been so distant, and now he felt her slipping away from him more and more every new dawn. Was there, by any chance, someone else he didn’t know about?
Will agreed to Matthew’s proposal straightaway, and Lucie found out, to her surprise, that she couldn’t say no to those pleading, deep-emerald eyes.
Matthew only discovered the truth halfway to their destination. He was definitely shocked and beseeched Lucie to give up on that suicide mission. He tried to remind her of the risks: she could be stripped of her marks and be exiled, and of course black magic always required the payment of a high, dangerous price.
She could lose everything, and for what? Or, rather, who. All that for a stupid ghost. Yeah, there was that matter, too. Matthew didn’t like the way she spoke of that Jesse guy – it was the way he wished she would speak of him. Could he be the one she was in love with? Could a dead guy that no one but Lucie and those two witches could see be more worthy of her love than he was?
After giving it some thought, he sadly came to the conclusion that yes, maybe he could. In fact, he didn’t think that she had ever really returned his feelings, not even after they had shared those two kisses.
London Institute’s library, 1902
Matthew and Lucie were reading together, snuggled up next to each other on the green sofa by the fireplace. London was all dressed in white on that cold day, a candid mantle of snow stretching out on its busy streets. It was freezing, so they had also wrapped themselves up in a warm blanket. Matthew liked being so close to Lucie, though he feared that, that way, she would notice his racing heart. She was reciting some lines out loud, and he was listening to her, enthralled.
Then she stopped for a moment and looked at him, smiling, and at that point Matthew couldn’t help but lean in and just kiss her lips. It was soft, sweet, warm, intimate… it felt right. She returned the kiss for a few seconds before breaking it and looking at him, giggling. “Matthew, you scoundrel! Aren’t we still too young for this kind of things?”
“To be frank with you, I don’t quite think so,” he answered with a smirk on his lips.
“But – you understand that you can’t just go around stealing kisses away from me like that!”
“It wasn’t a theft in my opinion, darling Lucie, since you kissed me back. But, either way, I’m glad I did it.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, innocence and confusion spread all over her face.
“It means I like you, Lu. Easy as that.” He looked at her, his heart warmed by a spark of hope as he tucked a lock of brown hair behind her ear.
Her eyes lit up with joy and a bit of surprise but, to Matthew’s dismay, she didn’t say anything back. Instead, she just rested her head on his shoulder and went back to reading, while he just sighed and put his arms around her, pulling her closer to him and holding her tight.
Lucie’s bedchamber, January 1904
Lucie was very upset because something in the chapter she was writing just seemed completely off and she was struggling to get it right. Her hands were all dirty with ink, and tens of crumpled sheets were scattered all around the place, both on her desk and on the floor. Matthew was sitting on a chair beside her, in the vain attempt to calm her down with his jokes and to give her advice when she asked for it. At some point she almost broke down crying from the frustration, and he readily welcomed her in his arms, trying to give her some comfort.
He put a hand on her cheek, brushing a loose curl of her hair behind her ear, trying to make her stop whining, and just looked at her, his gaze wandering back and forth from her eyes to her lips. She sighed, wrapping curls of her hair around her fingers. It all happened in the blink of an eye: they didn’t know for sure who leaned in first, but a few seconds later they were kissing. It was rougher than their first one: there was more urgency to it, more desire, more burning touches, and a tip of desperation.
Once again, Lucie broke the kiss first.
“What… what are we doing?” she said, a little out of breath.
Matthew didn’t know what to say, so he tried to laugh it off, as usual. “Maybe we were trying to… kiss the stress away?” he answered, a slight smirk appearing on his red and swollen lips.
She gave him a faint smile. “Maybe.”
“Lu… I think we should talk. This happened again and we never discussed about it the first time.”
“There’s nothing to say, Matthew. Obviously it was a mistake.” The hurt became clear in Matthew’s eyes.
“Is that what you think?” he asked.
“It’s… it’s complicated,” Lucie only managed to answer. She didn’t dare to meet his gaze.
Anger took over him. “You made it complicated. I think I’ve always made it pretty easy for you.” He stood up and stormed off without waiting for an answer, leaving a flummoxed Lucie behind.
He went back to his room, pulling an empty flask from his pocket and looking at it furiously. He threw it against the wall. Maybe that was why Lucie had always rejected him. Maybe she didn’t want to carry that burden with him. He’d eventually opened up to everyone about what he had done, had had a long talk with his family and had finally started to forgive himself, but giving up his bad drinking habit had turned out to be harder than he’d hoped, and he was still struggling. He had thought that, maybe, Lucie cared about him enough to bear with that. Perhaps he’d been wrong.
H e talked about it to James and Cordelia, but even they seemed unable to help him understand the reason behind her behaviour. She wouldn’t open up to them either, they had no idea what was going on in her life that was pulling her away from everyone more and more every day.
· · ·
London, March 1904
Now Matthew knew. It had been Jesse Blackthorn all along. And now she seemed so committed to bringing him back, that she had even agreed to team up with that witch. He thought she was being crazy, and yet a very irrational part of himself still wanted to help her. He didn’t want to deny her the chance to be happy. Also, he knew that she would do it with or without his approval, so he thought that at least he could make sure that she was safe all along.
And so, once arrived at the Cornwall Institute, they managed to sneak into the library and, after a lot of searching, they eventually found the Black Volume of The Dead. Stealing it would have been too dangerous: everyone would have immediately noticed that it was missing, so they opted for making a copy of the resurrecting spell they had found in the book. Grace offered to take care of that, while Lucie and Matthew guarded the entrances of the vast room. Once they got everything they needed, they cautiously put the volume back where they had found it, quickly left the place and went straight back to London.
· · ·
London, a few days later
«Lucie».
Lucie was alone, wandering the streets in search of one of the last ingredients they needed for the spell, when she heard Jesse’s voice.
«Jesse, you startled me» she said, but quickly added, with a smile «but I’m glad you’re here. It’s been a while».
«Yes, I was mad at you. I still am, as a matter of fact» he exhaled.
«Is it because I’m working with your sister to bring you back? You should be grateful… you know we care about you! I thought you cared about us too».
Jesse frowned, letting out a sigh. «I do care about you. That’s why I want you to stop before you do something very stupid and end up hurting yourselves or someone else». Though Jesse’s heart had been still for years now, he could almost feel some sort of pain in the spot where it once lay beating– when he was alive. Why was the thing he wanted more than anything else also what he dreaded the most? He couldn’t let her go through all of that for him. He didn’t belong to this world anymore, she couldn’t take that risk. He would always be grateful to her, because she had allowed him to be the Shadowhunter he’d always dreamt to become, even just for that one, single time when he had given up his last breath to save James. That is enough for me, he thought. I can rest in peace now, and she can live a long and happy life with someone who loves her and who can give her what she deserves.
«But– you said you’d like to come back to life! I thought that you wanted to be with me!». She was almost crying.
He lowered his head. «It’s true. But not like this. I cannot approve of you using black magic. We both know too well it never brings anything good».
Lucie glared at him. «Alright. You leave me no other choice. I am sorry, Jesse, I really am... I hope you’ll understand that I’m doing this for you». She took a deep breath. «I command you to help me find the last ingredients that we need for the spell». Lucie's voice suddenly sounded different, it had something frighteningly eerie to it.
Jesse felt overwhelmed with worry as she pronounced those words, but he couldn’t do anything but obey her, once again.
It took them another couple of weeks until they had everything they needed, and eventually they agreed to perform the ritual at the Serpentine Lake in Hyde Park, at night-time, when all London would be already sound asleep.
· · ·
Chiswick House, April 1904
«So, is everything finally settled? Are you sure she will really do it?» Tatiana asked, fidgeting with her gloves.
«Of this I’m sure, mother. She’s in love with Jesse, I can sense it, even without my power. She would do anything to bring him back» answered Grace, with her chin up and a fierce smile.
Tatiana smiled back, but then she frowned. «What about that boy?».
«What boy, mother?» Grace gave her a questioning look. Her mother gave a dismissing wave of her hand. «The Consul’s son. The younger one».
«Ah– you mean Matthew Fairchild. He’s not that big of a problem anymore. Actually, I think he will be of great help when it comes to the price».
A pleased grin spread on Tatiana’s lips. «Interesting. Does the Herondale girl know about this?».
«She doesn’t necessarily need to know for now. She will when the right time comes». Grace giggled.
«Good. Very good, my child». Tatiana gently stroked her daughter’s hair, then looked down and run her other hand on the glass under which rested her son’s body, untouched. «Soon, we’ll all be together again» she said in an ominous tone.
· · ·
James’ bedchambers, April 1904
James heard someone knocking on his door. «Please, do come in».
Lucie entered the room. «Did you call for me, Jamie?».
He turned to look at her. «Yes, I did. I will be very straightforward, Lucie. I’ve barely seen you these past few weeks. You’ve been missing your training sessions with Cordelia. And you’ve been pushing Matthew away for no reason whatsoever. Will you tell me what’s going on, once and for all?».
Lucie started trembling in front of her older brother, and he noticed, so he moved closer to her and grabbed her shaking hands, drawing invisible circles on them with his thumbs, as he knew that it was something that would always calm her down.
Then she began sobbing uncontrollably, and finally started blurting out all the truth. She told him about Jesse, about how he had saved her so many years ago in Brocelind Forest and how they had grown close since then, as she was the only one who could see him, besides his mother and his sister. She went on telling him about Grace, about truth behind their trip to Cornwall, about Matthew’s help and about the ritual and their plan to bring Jesse back. James wore an astonished look all along, in evident disbelief in front of all that completely unexpected information.
After she stopped talking, the room fell silent for a bunch of minutes. «Have you completely lost your mind?» James then said, finally breaking the silence.
Lucie tried to reason with him. «James, I told you that...».
He was furious and wasn’t thinking clearly, so he interrupted her before she could even start arguing. «I understand very well what you just told me. I can’t believe you of all people could be so easily talked into such madness. Risking your and other people’s lives, threatening your role as a Shadowhunter and the already tainted reputation of our family. I thought you knew better, Luce».
Lucie was overfilled with rage. «I knew that you could never understand. That's why I didn't tell you until now. You just proved to me that I was wrong to believe that I could trust you». She turned on her heels and left the room, ignoring James’ orders to come back.
· · ·
Fuming, Lucie rushed outside the Institute and headed towards Blackthorn Manor. She mostly followed her instinct and memory, since her vision was blurred by her own tears as she ran fast underneath the gloomy London sky.
When Lucie arrived at the gates of Chiswick House, she only found Jesse there. Tatiana and Grace were probably out for their Sunday afternoon stroll, but they would probably be getting back soon so she decided to wait for them inside.
«Lead the way» she told Jesse, who readily complied.
«Make yourself at home» he encouraged her, smiling. Despite all their recent arguments, he was very fond of her, and although he still was against the idea of her taking that mad risk for him, he was also flattered by her deep affection, which was all reciprocated.
Lucie walked into Grace’s chambers and started looking for the notebook where the girl had written down the instructions for the spell – Lucie wanted to finally read all the details. After poking around for a handful of minutes, she eventually found what she was looking for in one of Grace’s drawers. She smoothed the pages and started reading, wearing a satisfied smile as she checked the list of the ingredients and saw that they had succeeded in gathering all of them. She then went through the procedure, memorizing as much of it as she could and rehearsing each step in her head, until her smile suddenly faded away when she saw one final note at the bottom of the last page, in a smaller writing: The price.
Realisation hit her hard, and she felt a cold shiver run through her back as Jesse tried to touch her shoulder, flinching at her sudden change of attitude.
«Lucie, is everything alright?» he asked in a worried tone.
«I-I... I can’t believe it» Lucie stuttered, «It can’t be... oh, who am I kidding. Of course it can. How could I be so stupid? How could I not think about it sooner? It was too good to be true».
«What are you talking about, Lucie? Please, calm down– talk to me».
«See for yourself» she said, showing him that one paragraph that had shocked her to the core.
Jesse gasped. «Does this mean...».
«I didn’t know. I would have never agreed to do such a thing knowing the price was this high! I care about you, Jesse, a lot, but it would never be fair to take another innocent’s life to bring you back. I’m sorry, I can’t do it this way. I failed you» she said, bursting into tears as realisation hit her all at once. «It all seemed so easy. Too easy. I thought we had finally found the right spell, one that could have required all my power, even took it away from me for good, if anything. I thought I had found the right way for us to be together. But now I know I could never do that– at least not this way. Not even for you, Jesse. I hope that you understand» she mumbled, sniffling.
Jesse simply smiled. «I’m so glad that you started seeing some sense again, at last. I care about you too, Lucie, but I already told you that there is nothing that you can do to bring me back, and that’s fine. If it’s up to anyone, that is not you. You already did so much for me. And anyway, I will always be there for you, no matter if dead or alive». Lucie wiped the tears from her eyes. «I wish there was another way». She weakly reached out her hand to his, trying to touch it – with no luck. He leaned closer to her, their foreheads almost touching.
Just then, Grace made her entrance in the room. «What a touching scene. I guess after all I was right since the very beginning, about you Herondales and your sense of honour».
Both Lucie and Jesse flinched and turned around to look at the girl. Long locks of fair hair rested on the edgy lines of her shoulders, her pearl grey dress matching the colour of her icy eyes. She was just as beautiful as she was wicked. She shot them a grim look.
«Grace. You’re back» Lucie said in a thin voice.
«I am. And, from what I can see, you’ve already made yourself pretty comfortable» her aloof gaze shifted to the notebook in Lucie’s hands. «So, I guess you finally found out about the price».
«Why didn’t you tell me right away?» Lucie asked, still shaking.
«Because I knew you would have the exact same reaction you are having right now. You would have gone crazy and backed out, just like that».
«You kept this from me because you knew it was the only chance to get your brother back. And of course, you don’t care about anyone else’s life but your family’s» Lucie hissed.
«I thought that you loved my brother enough to make that one small sacrifice for him... I guess I was wrong. Anyway, maybe it’s for the best. You’ve never deserved him, and you will still not deserve him once he comes back to life. Yes, he will still come back. With or without your help».
Lucie clenched her fists. «You’re right, I will not help you anymore. But we know very well that you are not strong enough to do it alone. It’s over, Grace. I’m incredibly sorry for Jesse, I already told him– I do love him, but I could never do that, for anyone».
«For anyone, you say?» Grace frowned. «What about your dear Matthew Fairchild?». A faint grimace appeared on Jesse’s face at the sound of that name. He had noticed the two of them being very close, and although he wanted nothing but Lucie’s happiness, he couldn’t help but be a little... jealous? Could ghosts even feel jealousy? That was the only thing that could’ve explained the small pain in the gut he always felt whenever he would see Matthew hold Lucie in his arms. The way he wanted to hold her, but just couldn’t.
«I don’t understand. What does Matthew have to do with this?» Lucie asked.
Grace snorted. «I saw how you two were looking at each other while you were guarding the library in Cornwall».
Lucie’s cheeks turned a fair shade of pink. «But that doesn’t mean anything– we’re just friends, we’ve always been, and I don’t see how this could have something to do with my will to bring Jesse back. I would never take another innocent’s life, in any case».
Grace seemed all but convinced, but she didn’t argue further. «If you say so. It’s too late anyway. Jesse will come back».
«Grace...» Jesse finally spoke up.
«What? Don’t tell me that you seriously agree with her».
«In fact, I do. I don’t want my life back, if that means taking someone else’s».
Grace let out a nervous laugh. «She really brainwashed you, didn’t she? Very well, at this point I guess mother and I are on our own».
Lucie stood up and grabbed her coat. «We will see about that. This is not over, Grace Blackthorn. I was wrong to trust you once, I will not make the same mistake again».
«Oh, we’ll see who has the last word here» Grace hissed.
Lucie ignored her. She reached the door instead and left Chiswick as fast as she had gotten there. She headed back to the Institute, and to her brother. She had some apologies to make.
· · ·
When Lucie arrived at the Institute, James was already waiting for her on the doorstep, arms crossed over his chest and an unreadable look on his face. Just the sight of him made her eyes water.
«J-Jamie» she began, trying to find the right words to apologise to him. But by then he was already holding her in his arms, gently stroking her hair.
«I’m so, so sorry» Lucie continued. «I just found out about the price of that stupid spell, it being the life of another person, and I would never, ever do that. For anyone. I was ready to risk my life as a Shadowhunter for Jesse, that’s true. But I am no murderer. I've been acting like a fool».
James sighed, then took Lucie’s hand and they moved to the drawing room. They sat down in front of the fireplace.
«It’s alright, Luce. I’m glad that you’ve come to your senses. I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you were being quite unwavering there».
«I am the one who should apologize to you for stomping my feet and being so stubborn and saying those words to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you, James».
James gave her a hint of a smile. «I know you didn’t. But I’m sorry for underestimating your feelings. I didn’t even bother to try to understand your feelings for Jesse». Lucie looked down, hurt by the sound of Jesse’s name reminding her that she could never bring him back and be with him. James noticed her sad look, and got closer to her, putting his hand on hers. «Hey... I’m sorry. I know how it feels, wanting something you can never have».
Lucie smiled bitterly. «You have Cordelia, though». Guilty as charged. James felt useless, he didn’t know what to do to cheer his sister up. He remained silent for a minute.
«...what about Matthew, then?» he finally said.
Lucie looked up. «Oh, Matthew» she said, nervously playing with her fingers.
James sighed. «He told me what happened between you, Luce. He... he really cares about you. And I know you are not indifferent to him as well – you may have been in the past, but I noticed how you look at him now. Things have changed» he paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. «I don’t want you to hurt his feelings. He’s been through so much, please don’t lead him on. If you don’t feel the same about him, just tell him».
Lucie hesitated for a moment before answering. «I– since we were children, I’ve always seen him as just a friend. You could say he was my best friend, it’s no secret we’ve always been very close. But, as we grew up, I started feeling... funny, at times. I even secretely started writing about him, taking inspiration from moments we shared in real life». She paused for a second, her mind travelling back to the her memories with Matthew. From their soup-ladle battles when they were little, to the first time she felt her heart skip a beat because of him. She had been avoiding her feelings for so long– she had been so busy trying to understand what was right and what was wrong, when all she needed to do was to look for what felt like home. She'd always believed that finding love was a long and challenging quest, just like in the books— when she had been ignoring the fact that, sometimes, it was much more simple. Sometimes you just realise that what you've been looking for all your life has actually been standing by your side all along. It's all about when you figure that out.
«There was something in the way that he looked at me, that changed the way I looked at him. I didn’t think I reciprocated his feelings, at first, I also remember telling you more than once in the past. When Jesse came into the picture, it all got more complicated. I felt... drawn to him, especially since I was one of the few people who could see him. What happened to him is so unfair, and he’s so kind, I guess I just found myself caring– developing feelings for him. But so I did with Matthew. It’s like my heart is torn in two, I can’t explain it».
«Lucie... I hate to tell you this, but Jesse... Jesse has very few chances to come back, as of right now. And even if he came back, you would still need to come to terms with what you feel. Just because you care about him, it doesn’t mean he’s meant to be the love of your life. But I still don’t want you to be with Matthew, if that means you’d just be settling for him. He doesn’t deserve that– he deserves to be someone’s first choice. So please, be true to your heart and think it through before you do anything, alright? I love you and Matthew so much, I couldn’t bear to see you both heartbroken because of each other. All I want is for you both to be happy, whether you are together or not».
Lucie smiled and planted a kiss on his brother’s cheek. «And you still wonder why Daisy loves you so deeply. How couldn’t she? She’s so lucky to have you. You’re both very lucky. Speaking of, I must go talk to her as well. We have a lot of catching up to do» she hugged James, resting her head on his shoulder. «Thank you, Jamie. I... I will think about it. As you said, it’s too complicated with Jesse, but that doesn’t mean Matthew should be some sort of rebound to me. I would never do that to him, I love him and would trust him with my own life, I can’t even stand the thought of him being hurt by me. I think I will talk to him. I will be honest about my feelings and all».
«That’s very mature of you» James smiled. «I am proud of my little sister».
Lucie found herself crying again, but James quickly handed her a handkerchief, which she immediately used to wipe a few tears from her eyes. «Now, now, don’t cry again, Luce. How about we go to the library and you read me your latest chapter from The Beautiful Cordelia, mh? We should invite Daisy, too, so the two of you will finally be able to catch up. How would you like that?».
Lucie sniffled and chuckled. «Alright. But I warn you, Cruel Prince James is causing a handful of trouble in this chapter. And oh– he burns his hands with a kettle while making tea, because he’s basically being an idiot and he’s not paying enough attention to what he’s doing. And that is getting on Cordelia’s nerves».
James giggled. «I can live with that». He reached out his hand to help his sister stand up and headed towards the library, with Lucie following after him.
· · ·
A week later
Lucie found herself standing in front of a panting and sweaty Matthew in his black Shadowhunter gear. He had just finished training with James and was about to go take a bath when he had bumped into Lucie in the hallway.
«Lu! I almost didn’t see you there. How can I help you?».
Lucie’s cheeks flushed at the sight of him, the sweet tone of his voice and his blond, wet curls sticking to his forehead. As if he had heard her thoughts, he pulled some of the hair back with his fingers. Lucie noticed that he had removed all of his rings, except for the one James had gifted him on the occasion of their parabatai ceremony. He never let go of it, it was his most precious possession. To both James’ and Lucie’s dismay, he seemed to be more attached to it than to his rare and (very) expensive collection of hairbrushes.
«Actually» Lucie cleared her throat. «I was just looking for you». She could read the surprise in his eyes.
«Oh? Tell me everything» he said.
Lucie looked around them and saw the Institute’s staff constantly coming and going, leaving them with as much as no privacy at all.
«Maybe we should go talk somewhere else».
Matthew nodded, his curiosity devouring him from inside. «Alright, let’s go».
They reached a gazebo in the backyard and sat on the bench underneath it. Lucie remembered how they used to play there when they were children, chasing each other around the place while James would quietly read a book sitting on that very bench, lost in his own little world, but still carefully watching over them. That was, until Matthew and Lucie would grab him by both arms and literally force him to play with them, and he would easily oblige. He had never been good at saying no to either of them.
Matthew noticed Lucie’s tension and gently took her hand into his own. «Is everything alright, Lu? You’re scaring me».
Lucie took a deep breath and tried to stop shaking. «I’m sorry, Matthew, it’s really nothing, it’s just that the things I want to say to you make me a little... nervous. And you know me well enough to agree that it’s not my wont, acting like this».
Matthew smirked. «Indeed, I’ve hardly ever seen Lucie Herondale being so tense».
Lucie chuckled. «Alright, enough with the chatter. I’ll go straight to the point. I wanted to talk... about us».
Matthew flinched. «...Us?» he asked in a cautious tone.
Lucie gave him a faint smile. She could feel her cheeks burn. «I know I haven’t been really fair to you in the past, whenever this topic would be brought up. I am sorry for not being clear about my feelings, or for pretending not to acknowledge yours. I want you to know that I’ve always cared deeply for you, and I would have never wanted to hurt your feelings. I was just so naïve– blind, I would dare to say. Those two kisses... especially the last one, from a couple months ago– despite what it may have looked like, they meant something to me, too. I was just... so confused. And I’m sorry if I’ve told you that it had been a mistake, I guess I just panicked because both times I was not expecting it and I felt... overwhelmed. Moreover... I must be completely honest with you. It’s true, I also do have feelings for Jesse, feelings that have played their part into drawing me away from you in the past... but they’re not going to be a problem anymore. I thought it through very carefully, and first I want you to know that I wouldn’t be here talking to you if I wasn’t sure of this, or if I was just settling for something I don’t really want. It’s nothing like that. I... I want to give us a chance, Matthew. For real. No misunderstandings, no unexpected and confusing kisses, no doubts, none of that. Just... us, and the hope for a future together. If you’ll still have me, that is».
Matthew couldn’t believe to his ears, and a bright grin appeared on his lips. «Are you proposing to me, Lucie Herondale?».
Lucie gave him a little nudge. «No, you fool!» she paused for a moment. «Not yet, at least» she added, giggling.
Matthew put his arms around her waist, bringing her closer to him, and Lucie placed her hands over his chest. «Are you sure about this, Luce? You really want to start courting?».
«I am one hundred percent sure» Lucie said with a smile. And she really meant it. Although in her heart she still felt a stinging pain when the matter of Jesse would be brought up, she really wanted to be with Matthew, to give him the happiness and the love he had always deserved. She felt capable of doing that. And she felt he was what she needed as well. It all just felt right.
Matthew’s eyes were glowing. «No more unexpected kisses, you were saying?» he grinned, leaning closer to her face.
«Yeah...» she answered.
He raised an eyebrow, a playful look on his face. «Are you expecting one now, by any chance?».
Lucie’s cheeks turned the colour of fire. «You tell me».
«Oh, I am definitely expecting one now».
«It would be so rude of me if I didn’t comply to these expectations of yours, wouldn’t it?».
«Absolutely rude. Despicable, even».
«Say no more, Fairchild» Lucie tittered, and a second later she had leaned in to kiss Matthew, and he had been waiting nothing more than to finally lock their lips together. He held her in a tight embrace, and for the first time they both savoured the moment with no signs of hesitation, doubt or regret. And yet, as Matthew was intoxicated by Lucie’s flavour on his mouth, he couldn’t help but hear a voice, thin but still clear, buried deep inside him, saying that it all was almost too good to be true. Who said that she was really one hundred percent sure of her choice? Who said that she wouldn’t change her mind and run back into Jesse’s arms, were he to be actually resurrected? After all, he had always come second to everyone in his life. Even James hadn’t liked him straightaway, when they had first met. He was so acquainted with unrequited love, to the point that the thought of finally being reciprocated was just absurd. How could Lucie, his Lucie, finally be opening her heart to him? She was the smartest and the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, she could easily have won anybody’s heart, but she had chosen him. He had been her first choice.
Was he going to be enough for her? Was he going to live up to her expectations? Or would he end up disappointing her as well?
He decided to momentarily put those thoughts aside and tried to focus exclusively on her, on that kiss he had so bad longed for, on that kiss that she had willingly started this time. Nevertheless, he could still hear that sneaky voice hunting him from inside his mind every now and then.