Work Text:
My eyes keep lost in the window; looking at the night sky, accompanied by clouds covering the stars and the moon. I’ve lost track of time, and I have no idea how many nights I’ve spent like this, without sleep, staring at nothing.
My story is over. That night, on that December, not only Ebb and The Mage died in the White Chapel: the hero died too. And in his place Simon was left. As simple as that. The empty flask, the puppet that served as a weapon.
By instinct, my hand goes to the left side of the bed, but there’s only an empty, cold space. Another night, there’s nothing there but a slight, dying essence of cedar and bergamot.
If there were still tears left on my body, I’d be crying, but it's been a while since my eyes dried up.
My heart shrinks at the memory of him, the memory of the last look he gave me, the memory of the last words he said to me, the memory of the last touch of his skin. Only memories, and nothing else.
And it was all my fault. As always. The only thing I've always been an expert at is hurting others, making suffer those who are not to blame for my shit. Congratulations, Simon, you're an excellent twat.
Baz is gone, but his last memory feels alive in my mind, repeating itself over and over again.
For some reason, I ended up in my old room. Headmistress Bunce told me that no one has occupied it since we left here —since that winter where my life changed completely, where I ruined things and lost the meaning of my magic, but at least won Baz, although I’m not sure about it anymore— and I came running as fast as I could.
Penny has gone after her mother, dragging Shepard and Agatha with her. I think Baz has gone to the Catacombs —to visit his mother, or to feed after an eight-hour flight from America— so I ran to the place that was my home for years, even if it was part of the charade of my life.
I get to the door, and I don't know what to do. I used to open a wound with my sword and use my blood, but there's nothing hanging from my hip anymore. I can't use the opening spell either: I don't have magic to make it work anymore.
Instead, I try to open the door in the traditional way, knowing that it won't work. But it does, and I couldn't be more surprised; if it has an explanation, I don't want to know.
The last time I was here was a year and a half ago. But Baz came back to finish his spring term, and no one has used it for a year.
When you breathe, you can still feel the essence of cedar and bergamot, which is reluctant to leave, perhaps because it has been here for eight whole years.
I open the window, the same one that I refused to close just to annoy Baz and get his attention. The specks of dust are visible in the sunshine that hits the mattress of what used to be my bed. I let my body fall on there, and it's like going back in time. I'm eighteen years old, an uncontrollable magic, and I still don't realize that I'm in love with my enemy.
Where did I start to break? When did it happen?
A couple of tears slide down my face without me being able to control them.
The world ended for Simon Snow, and yet I still can't process it.
"Oh, Snow. I didn't know you were here."
It's Baz. The only one who calls me by my surname and not my first name, as if trying to put a barrier between us.
For his bad luck, I've already taken care of that. I built wall after wall, and now I'm locked in the middle.
"I just- I needed some time alone.”
The words he said to me on the beach, under the California sun, still linger in my mind.
Why can't you see that I wouldn't be happy anywhere without you?
But he's not happy with me either. All I do is become a heavy burden, for him and for Penny. Useless and pathetic, spreading my sadness. Dragging them with me into misery.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave?"
I've destroyed him. And I can't bear to see his light go out, just to keep mine on —what's left of it.
"No." It sounds almost like a plea, I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. "I want to- talk to you."
He knows it. He walks slowly to what used to be his bed, sitting in front of me.
For a moment, still in California, I was ready to give up. To throw myself into his arms and agree with him, to ask desperate for his help. I'm tired of feeling broken, empty inside; of seeing my life slip through my hands without being able to stop it. I almost took back everything I've said to him for years to hurt him. I was about to tell him the three words that I have kept quiet for a long time.
But then Penny arrived, saying that we should go back as soon as possible. And I had all the time, as we crossed the Atlantic back, to realize that it was a mistake.
My love for him, as much as fits inside my chest, couldn’t allow it. To hurt him further by making him stay by my side; to care for a broken and unrepaired man, holding his cracks to prevent his imminent collapse.
For all my love for him, I’ve decided to let go of the chains that still bind him to me. I want him to be free, and I want him to be happy.
"This should never have happened.” I don't even have the courage to look him in the eye. I’m a coward.
"What do you mean?" His voice trembles. It's never sounded like that before, and it's my fault.
"This" I whisper, pointing out to both of us "Whatever we had, it should never have been more than a few kisses."
It should never even have been a kiss. I should’ve saved him from dying in the burning woods otherwise. I should’ve looked for someone else, other than him or Agatha, to be by my side. To be my future.
I should never have met him.
Only then would I have kept his heart intact. Only then would I not have hurt him.
His eyes are beginning to fill with tears, and I regret of looking at him.
"This is a fucking joke, isn't it?" His voice comes out like a laugh.
My gaze focus on the window, staring the outside: the moat, the lawn, the wall.
"No" the word leaves my mouth in an almost inaudible whisper, but I know he hears me. "I mean it."
If we had never met, things would be absolutely different. He would have met someone else, fallen in love and had the dream life he deserves.
If we had never met, I wouldn't have the slightest idea what love is, how this feeling takes away every ounce of rationality, tying your soul to someone else's, an invisible string that holds you two together for the rest of eternity.
"Me and you, we were made to break, Baz, that's the truth. I am not the one for you."
We weren't supposed to end up here. He was supposed to kill me, putting an end to the years of hatred between us.
And then, I realized that I never hated him. I realized that I loved him, with every piece of myself. We were supposed to be together, waking up next to him every morning, being the support for his sorrows, the unconditional man he deserves.
"How can you know what is right for me ? Simon, how can you be sure of that?" I don't need to look at him to know what he's crying; his voice comes out rough of his throat.
"Don't you realize, Baz, all the damage I've done to you? Are you really that blind? I've spent the last few months running away from you, unable to look you in the eye, to touch you, to enjoy the touch of your skin. Doesn’t it tell you anything?”
Tears burn my skin as they run down my face. Pain floods my body, from head to toe, but I need to resist.
"I know perfectly well , Snow. That's why I'm still here, by your side. Because I want to help you. Because the last few days made me know that the real you is still there, that you still want me. We're going to get through this."
Get over what, Baz? I'm broken, I'm beyond repair. I'm no longer the hero of the story, I've been hurt and defeated. I've been reduced to ashes, the remains of what I used to be. I'm not the man you fell in love with. I am dead.
The words are not supposed to come out of my mouth, but they still do, and Baz hears them. I take courage, looking into his eyes.
And what I see only causes me more pain. A pair of grey eyes bathed in tears, without any sparkle or illusion. Lips half open, trying to suppress the crying that is already running down his face.
He gets up from the bed, until he is in front of me. His arms hold me, making us stay at the same height —almost; there will always be three inches between us—, and his hand holds my chin tightly.
"You’re lying.”
For a second, I feel like I'm fifteen years old again. Baz and I are in the middle of a fight, and his eyes say that he is ready to attack me, to strike low and bury his fangs in my neck.
I realize, now, that it's just pain. He's trying to defend himself, to hold on to something.
"You are free of me, Baz. You have nothing to do with me anymore."
I’ve broken every single promise I ever made to him. Except one, the one of being his terrible boyfriend. That's the only one I've ever been able to keep to perfection.
I try to send him away, pushing his chest, but his hands catch my wrists. The touch sends a chill through my whole body, and I don't know what to do.
"Look me in the eye." I do the opposite, looking away, fixing my eyes where his hands are holding mine. "Be brave and tell me that you want me out of your life. Convince me that all of this was just a fantasy. That every kiss was worthless."
I can't do it. I won't lie to myself like that.
"Go on, Simon Snow, kill me already. Fulfil the destiny we should’ve had from the beginning."
I throw myself into his arms for the last time, because I’m weak, and because I’ll need one last memory of him before I leave his life and give him peace.
Maybe that's how I'm killing him, and I can't carry on anymore. Not like this.
"When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them. This is who I am, Baz: an absolute disaster. I'm not going to hurt you anymore. I'm leaving your life." I whisper against his chest in my tears. He tightens his grip on my back, unable to let me go.
I can't hear his heartbeat, but I know it's there, keeping him alive.
"Simon." His hands caress my back, at the point where my wings are hidden. For the first time in a while, his touch doesn't make me want to run away. "You can't do this."
But I'm already doing it. I want to tell him. Look, you're free now. My heart will no longer be heavy to carry on your back. Go back to Las Vegas, where you can be yourself. No need to hide.
But I don’t. Instead, I break apart from him.
"It's the best thing for you, Baz.” I whisper, turning my back on him again.
"No, Snow, this is not the best for me !" I can feel the rage in his voice, now. It hits me right in the stomach, but there's no going back. Not anymore.
"Why do you keep clinging to me? Look at me! I became everything you used to tell me, a failure! The worst chosen one! An idiot! Why are you still here?" Eventually, my voice increases a few octaves. It feels like fighting again, but I’m afraid there’s no Anathema to stop us now.
"Because I-!" He stops suddenly; I think I know what he was trying to say. And he didn't say it because maybe, at the end and after all this time, it would be a lie. "Because I thought you wanted me by your side!"
That’ true. A truth that has already done too much damage for the two of us.
He used to be the centre of my life, everything revolved around him. What did it matter if I didn't have magic, if I already had him in my arms? Alive, and safe.
But that’s broken too now. My life has been meaningless for months, all the years of suffering in silence have taken their toll, and I have been reduced to dust, to nothing.
" It's over, Baz ." I make every effort to make my voice heard through the crying. "I can't do this anymore.
Everything around me becomes a blur, just as it felt like going off. I hear Baz moving behind me, trying to hold my waist.
My body reacts in automatic, pushing Baz back. I almost regret doing it.
In the back of my mind, I kinda want to hurt him. To make so much damage that he will hate me, and won’t look for me anymore.
"Simon, you have me, you have Penelope. You'll get through this — we’ll get through this— , you'll see that things will be better.
This is precisely what I've had enough of. That they give up their lives for me, that they don't leave me a moment to breathe.
"Say something, anything." He whispers, after long minutes where the only noise in the room is our cries. "Simon, I need you to talk to me! Tell me what you want, and I'll give up everything for you! Just let me help you!"
If my heart was already hurt, that was the moment when it finally broke, into a million pieces.
"Baz, don't..." My voice comes out in a scream, almost desperate. "That's the fucking problem! I don't want you to give up anything for me, I don't want you to change! Go back to being that brave and arrogant bastard, the man I fell in love with!"
I didn't wait for his answer. I ran out of the room, and didn't stop until I was at the main entrance. The room where everything started, the room where everything ended.
The daylight was behind now, replaced by moonlight.
I didn't even stay to wait for Penny, I couldn't risk Baz coming after me, and then risk myself to be weak enough to go back into his arms, and stay there forever.
I had just broken his heart. I hoped that it would be enough for him to understand the signal and stop looking for me, for him to go on with his life alongside someone else —someone who wouldn’t run from his lips, who’d love him in a way that I can no longer.
I love him. I hate him. I love him.
My wings popped out on my back, the perfect opportunity to escape. I flew to my flat, knowing that it would be easy to find me here, but I had nowhere else to go.
Penny came back the next night. She came into my room and asked me what had happened, but she gave up as soon as I looked away and was silent. I’ve broken her, too.
I’m sorry. You didn’t have a need to stay by my side.
She didn't insist much again. She’s been too busy in Watford, helping her mother solve the problem that brought us back. I've been so lost in myself that I don't even know what's going on there. But even I wanted to help, I’m useless: no magic, no sword of my on. America proved that I can’t get into a fist fight, too.
I know that I can be fine on my own, at some point. To live on my own for the first time in my life, without depending on anyone else: The Mage, Penny, Baz.
What is the difference? I've been alone all my life. For as long as I can remember, I have never had anyone who cared about me.
I know Baz loved me —but I hope he hates me now, as he should have from the beginning. And I know that Penny loves me too. But I have done nothing but give them problems and worries. Lately, I've had the feeling that they only stayed with me so long because it was their duty. Out of pity. Because the Chosen One was a fraud, and they made the mistake of being with me at the wrong time, and ended up being involved in my fucking mess.
Baz is going to be fine without me. He's going to find someone at his level, someone who knows how to love him without problems, without the need to hide.
Baz is not going to need me. And I'm not going to need him.
Except that the little, tiny voice in the back of my head tells me that's the biggest lie I've ever told.