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You had opted for your full "military" regalia, figuring that if anyone took offense at your presence, they would do so even if you wore a tux. You'd looked at yourself in the mirror for far too long, willing the pangs in your chest and stomach that had steadily increased over the course of the week to come back another day. You couldn't afford to attend Dave and Jade's wedding looking like you were going to hurl. This was about their happiness, not yours.
'karkat - sorry. please come, i miss you dude', it had said on the back of the formal invitation. It had sent you on a short rampage through your office and a long emotional journey through anger, then sadness, then anger again, flip-flopping on whether you would actually attend or not, before getting your shit together and sending in the RSVP. You were the one who walked out. You can damn well face the consequences.
You have your attendance all planned out. You arrive at just the right time that you won't have to talk to anyone, but decidedly not late. You pick your place among the pews, about three back from the front. Not too close to the soon-to-be-weds, not too far as to arouse suspicion about where you stand on this. People never truly stopped asking about your and Dave's fallout, and if anyone else asks you about that today of all days you will probably flip you shit and later pee on everything they own. You were going to sit here, you were going to watch them say their vows, you were going to congratulate them formally, and then you were going home. You were no longer that blustering, loud mouthed teenager with his heart on his sleeve, and as loudly as past Karkat is screaming inside of you now, that is where he will stay.
Roxy turns around from her place next to Calliope in the front, quickly looking around the room before waving and mouthing 'Good to see you!'. You smile and nod, greeting the both of them with a short wave of your own before the officiator is gesturing for the last few people to find their seats and quiet down.
Their collective "found family" was quite small, not extended very much by new humans or trolls, save for Harley and English, who had made lots of friends. But you didn't know any of them, and those relationships were unlikely to run very deep anyway. Nobody native to Earth C (aside from Roxy, technically,) could ever relate to any of their gods, as much as you didn't act the part. Yet another thing you had blissfully grown out of.
The music starts, and this part you know by heart. You've obviously attended a few traditional human weddings before this, but your love for romantic comedies has permanently filled the gaps in your understanding of them. John, as the obvious choice for best man, walks down the aisle first, followed by Dave with Rose and Kanaya on either side. They're all impeccably dressed, save for a bright red (but decidedly not crocker-red) suit, whose owner you can't bear to look at too long. It's been ages since you've seen Dave in the flesh, and the first time ever you've seen him cleaned up quite so well. Dave had been fond of suits for a long time, but you'd only seen him wearing them as a kid and a gross, sweaty adolescent. You'd grown up together and seen each other daily for so long that it had felt like he never changed. But now, the difference was stark.
Next came Jade's bridesmaids and groomsmen, a party of five you'd never seen before. Then, little Vriska Maryam-Lalonde, marching proud and tall across the aisle, Tavros hurriedly following after with the rings on a little velvet pillow. Behind them, Harry Anderson is skipping, gleefully scattering assorted flower petals across the floor, taking his job far more seriously than was probably required, but fuck if your heart wasn't melting.
John is clapping Dave on the shoulder, saying something that makes both of them shake with laughter, before they officially take their places on the podium. It's easier to see him now, hair swept backwards in an uncharacteristically sophisticated fashion. It's a good look for him, if only for occasions such as this. You watch as he surveys the room, taking in the guests and the procession that came after him, and finally spotting you sitting in the third row. He smiles right at you, clearly happy that you showed up. He does that upwards nod of his that's supposed to look all cool and casual, and just for a moment it's like nothing has changed. You're eleven sweeps again, and then seven, and you can't stop from smiling back as you nod downward in acknowledgement like a normal fucking person, all pain momentarily forgotten.
The romcom-aficionado in you is on the edge of his seat as the universe decides that this is the perfect moment for Jade to appear in the doorway of the church, but for real-time Karkat it's like someone has reached into your chest to squeeze your insides manually. She looks absolutely gorgeous. Her hair is half-up, half-down, perfectly tamed curls gracing her shoulders and a few gently framing her face as the rest has been swept up into a bun that holds her veil. The veil and princess-style gown are both white, but as you pay attention to the moving fabric you notice green glitters scattered all over, transforming it into something entirely Jade. You almost can't take your eyes off of her, barely even noticing Jake and Jane on either arm escorting her down the aisle. The same is probably true for Jade herself, eyes on Dave as she's coming up to meet him, and Dave looks just as captivated as you had felt. Who can blame him. His fiancée is a wonderful, bright and strong woman. They're good for eachother, they clearly make eachother happy. They're happy.
She reaches the stand and takes her place in front of him, grabbing onto his right hand briefly before letting it drop again, smiling at him. He smiles back at her and nods, and she's beaming, eyes sparkling like her wedding gown. Your heart does its level best to swell up and into your throat with a mix of joy at the image of people in love, and the earth-shattering reminder that you're in love with him too.
The music dies down, and the officiator, who you think has been in that position for every God wedding before this, starts with the usual speech. You tune out most of it, too preoccupied with keeping yourself in check in this goddamn church. Why did you think you could do this? It was a mistake to show up. Dave might've been a bit disappointed, sure, but you're a disappointment in general, so he'd have forgotten about it soon enough. But no, you just had to see him again. You'd almost welcomed the opportunity for the pain you were feeling now as yet another way of flagellating yourself for your past mistakes.
Could you really have done differently though? Would you, knowing what you know now? Should you have stayed just a little longer, heard him out? Could you have stopped the dam holding back your long-repressed feelings from breaking?
'Speak now, or forever hold your peace,' you just about hear the officiator say as he's looking around the room. All sound dies out around you, save for the beating of your own heart which you can feel in your ears. Suddenly, there is movement all around you, people turning around to.. to look at you. Why are they-
It is then that you realize you are standing. You are standing, and the room seems even more silent than before, and all eyes are on you. All eyes, including those of the bride and groom. Jade with her big, bright gaze, and Dave.. handsome, maddening, resplendent Dave. He's frowning, his shoulders raised like he's bracing for impact, and you are standing, and you hadn't planned any of this. Your mouth opens to speak, but all that comes out is a pathetic croak. Karkat Vantas is, for once in his clearly wrongfully legalized life, absolutely speechless.
You can tell that Dave knows anyway.
His shoulders slowly lower back down, but his frown only deepens, obviously pained. You had been so determined to do this right, to be a big man and let Dave go for good, accept that you weren't meant to be in the way you had hoped growing up. To go home and throw yourself into your work, fighting a battle you had an actual chance of winning someday. But your legs had decided differently for you, and you have ruined your best friend's wedding. And evidently, your piece of shit hindbrain is determined to make it even worse for everyone involved because you can feel big, fat tears running down your face. You clench your fists and look away, staring down at your stupid feet and your stupid bodysuit and-
"Karkat.."
You attempt to take a deep breath, but it's more of a hiccup. You force yourself to meet Jade's gaze, force yourself to face the consequences of your actions like you failed to do thirty seconds before. But she doesn't look mad, she doesn't even look confused. Jade Harley looks back at you sadly, hurt and sympathy mingling on her face in a way that makes you feel even worse to see. After a moment you chance another look at Dave, who is breathing heavily, and also a little too fast. You can tell even through the shades that his gaze is flitting between you and Jade, and after a while he actually takes them off, freely giving up the full extent of his facial expression. He's looking you right in the eye and.. it's not betrayal, or disapproval, there is something else there, but your panicked mind can't make sense of it right then and there.
"Auntie Jade..?" Vriska has seemingly stepped forward and has grabbed onto Jade's glittering skirts, looking up at her questioningly, sensing the tension in the room. Jade seems to be deciding how to respond, before Kanaya speeds over to her side and pulls her daughter away. She whispers something to her, softly but hurriedly, and walks her back over to where she and Rose had been standing.
The pair up on the stand remain silent, and you know you're running out of time to salvage this. Okay, no, who the fuck are you even kidding? There is absolutely no chance of salvaging this. So.. it could charitably be said that you have nothing to lose. Maybe Jane's "Secret" Police will be kind enough to take you out after this. Fuck it. FUCK!
"I love you, Dave."
Dave lets out a wheezing laugh that sounds like it was punched out of his chest. And then another one, and he's just full on laughing now, and it's not a good laugh AT ALL. Suddenly there are tears in his eyes too, and he doubles over on himself, and all of your friends and family up in the front of the church are now reacting more visibly too, the people standing closest to Dave hesitantly reaching out to him, as if to balance him without actually touching him. You find yourself pushing your way out from the pew as well, standing among the petals, but then freeze again in the face of what you just did, how they must feel about you now.
He sinks to the ground fully, completely lost to whatever feeling it was that you brought out in him, but then Jade is knelt in front of him, her dress bunching up around her as she grabs onto both of his arms to hold him steady, calling out to him. He tries to fight her off for a few seconds, but she persists, and he eventually realizes it's her and he just looks at her, and his horrible laughter has turned to open sobbing.
"Dave," you can just about make out what she's saying. "Dave, it's okay. You're alright."
Dave lets out a warbled 'nooooo,' starting to hyperventilate again, and it's horrible to watch and not be able to help him, but you have absolutely no right to take even one step closer to him right now. So you take one back. You're retreating, and you've done none of the things you told yourself you would, you've done worse than you could ever have imagined, and so you turn around to get out before you can make this even worse.
"Karkat!" Jade calls out, and you freeze once again, instantly ashamed that you were just about to run.
"Wait." She says, somewhat redundantly. You wouldn't dare ignore her right now. But you can't make yourself turn back around just yet.
"Dave, look at me," she says, much softer of course. You assume he does because she continues to speak, clearly in tears now herself.
"It's okay, Dave. I understand."
"J-Jade, you-," he gets out between breaths. "I.. hhhh.."
She repeats herself a few more times, and you can hear he's starting to calm down. You cautiously turn back around, curiosity winning out. They're both still knelt on the floor, and Dave silent for a couple more moments, but he never stops looking absolutely wracked with grief.
"I'm so sorry, Jade."
He's-
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He repeats again, and she's petting his arms to try to soothe him but you can tell she's starting to reach her limit. You doubt 'objection to the marriage followed by a mental breakdown' was on the itinerary today. Although a tiny voice inside of you wonders if that moment between them just now was about something more than you have context for.
Rose is the first to act, taking hold of Dave's arm to guide him up to his feet, and towards the door at the back of the church. His shades lay forgotten on the floor where he had just been.
The church starts to fill up with the whispers of guests wondering amongst themselves what just happened, what will happen next. You force yourself to keep looking straight ahead, refusing to meet the eyes of anyone who might still be staring at you now. John seems torn between comforting his sister and going after his friend, but ultimately makes his way over to the door the other pair of siblings just passed through, pushing it almost but not quite closed after himself. Jake is the one to kneel down next to her, still clearly not practiced in the act of comforting someone but you assume moved through sheer sympathy. Jane simply looks on and scoffs, before shooting you look so full of venom it honestly rivals some of your own. Jade's entourage gathers around her as well, all attempting to soothe her as she loses her composure fully.
"Karkat."
Kanaya has herded all three children to stand to face her, patting their heads and shoulders to hopefully stop them understandably losing it as well. She gives you a look that is somehow both sympathetic and stern, and nods her head towards the door Dave just left through. You don't dare disobey her either.
"Man, Dave, I had no idea you still-," John had started to say, but he cut himself off as you pushed the door open, and he looks absolutely bewildered. Rose straightens herself, having previously been bowed over a wooden table Dave has sat down at, head in his hands. Her face is absolutely unreadable.
"John, let's give them some time to talk shall we?" She says simply, and you quickly step aside to allow her to herd a spluttering John back through the doorway, closing it behind her.
You didn't expect to experience a silence even more deafening than the one that came before it, yet here you are. Dave doesn't move or acknowledge your presence at all, so you take a moment to actually fucking think about what you're going to say for once.
"Dave, I'm-"
"Shut the fuck up, Karkat."
Your jaw snaps shut, but he doesn't leave you to contemplate just how badly you fucked things up because in a flash you have an armful of Dave.
"So fucking stupid," He says, shaking heavily and slightly muffled by his face being pressed into your shoulder before he turns his head enough to speak clearly. "A dude spends like ten years going through a fuckton of different discoveries about himself and like half of that thinking it was moot cause the reason behind all of that 'hashtag character progression' had at best a couple of stray crumbs of monorail-feels for him that didn't really work in practice, so he decides to move on with his other childhood friend instead because she's been into him this whole time and she deserves to be happy too, and then the OG love of his life goes and objects to a dude's goddamn wedding. It's like all your dumbass favorite movies came to life and decided to have an orgy!" He finishes loudly, knocking his head into you roughly for emphasis.
"Says the guy who insisted they were irealistic and overly dramatic," You admonish him quietly, far calmer than you thought you'd be after all of this. You wrap your arms around him and idly pet his back, finally managing to keep a tighter lock on your initial urges like squeezing him till his spine pops or smelling his hair.
"That's the point dumbass. They're way over the fucking top, and still I can guarantee that if this exact thing happened in one of them Matthew McCoughtitty or whatever the fuck would not have just had a wholeass mental breakdown in front of a church full of wedding guests and his almost-wife. Might as well call me Jake English, tally ho motherfuckers, man am I glad I didn't shit myself," He rambles, giggling deliriously at the end.
"Don't celebrate too soon. Looking back on how this day went, I reckon there's still time," you joke, and Dave laughs harder, burying his face in your shoulder again. You hold him close for a long time, long enough for him to calm down again. He pulls back from you on his own, looking up at you. Shadesless and completely wrung out, there's pain there, and yet he still looks full of elation, adoration, relief. He entered this building fully intending to leave it with another last name tacked onto his original one, and yet he's looking at you like he might have yours instead someday. You pet his now messy hair soothingly, but can't help the giggle of your own that bubbles out of you, and you feel yourself starting to tear up again, this time because you want the exact same thing he does.
"I love you too, 'Kat."
Dave reaches up to brush your tears away with his thumbs like you'd always secretly hoped he would when you had platonic feelings jams, and he feels warm against you like you'd always imagined it would feel cuddled up to him on the futon to watch a movie. You feel increasingly certain you won't have to imagine any of it anymore, so you lean forward to kiss his forehead. Then his temple, his cheekbone. You cradle his head in your hands and flit around planting kisses wherever you please, and Dave just laughs helplessly. He pushes you away a bit and you comply, only for him to close the distance again and kiss you for real.