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Celebrimbor had not really spent much time in Annatar's private library. In fact, he hadn't seen the inside of the room since the shelving was initially installed. When the two met, it was usually in Celebrimbor's quarters, or elsewhere, with Annatar occasionally bringing some manuscript or other that he felt would interest the Elf Lord. It wasn't that Annatar ever said no, exactly, it was more that the Maia was very adept at finding other locations for the two to meet. Celebrimbor was mostly fine with this. If Annatar wanted a private space, he was entitled to it. Had he not contributed enough of himself to the Mírdain already? No, he couldn't begrudge his friend his bit of solitude, but that didn't mean that Celebrimbor wasn't curious. And Celebrimbor was always curious, which meant that one evening, when he came calling at the Maia's quarters to see if he would be interested in taking tea with him, Celebrimbor couldn't help but be drawn to the ajar door of the library.
Looking through the slight crack, he could just about make out Annatar sitting at his desk, engrossed in whatever it was he was writing. Normally, Celebrimbor would knock on the door and wait for the Maia to emerge. Normally the door was firmly shut. From the tiny glimpse that he could get of the library, Celebrimbor could see that the room had been transformed since the last time he had seen it. On that occasion, the shelving and other furniture had just been added to the room. Celebrimbor had brought a book from his own personal library (a volume penned by his grandfather, that had been brought to Middle Earth by his father). Last Celebrimbor had seen, it was the only book in the room. In the time since, the Maia had filled the shelves with volume upon volume, until there was no more room and the surplus needed to be stacked on tables and the floor. Annatar's desk also appeared to be littered with academic materials. To the untrained eye, the room would have looked like complete chaos. Celebrimbor knew better, however, and knew that it would almost certainly be a rigidly organised chaos.
Seeing that this might be his one chance to get a nose at the inside of the room, Celebrimbor decided against his customary knock in favour of simply walking straight into the room. He'd been standing at the door so long, Annatar probably already knew he was there anyway.
Taking a deep, preparatory breath (though, he couldn't really tell why he felt the need to do such a thing), Celebrimbor pushed open the door to the library and gave the Maia a hearty greeting. And in the process, nearly gave the Maia a heart attack! Celebrimbor had never seen his friend so startled. In fact, he'd never seen him startled ever.
"Celebrimbor! I didn't hear you knock," the Maia sounded flustered as he quickly covered the page he had been working on so intently.
"That would be because I didn't", the Elf chuckled at the still somewhat caught-off-guard look on the other's face. This was certainly a first. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise that it would give you such a start. You're normally much more...alert."
Annatar sighed before answering, regaining some semblance of composure, though not quite managing to return to his usual self.
"Yes, well, I was preoccupied with some problems that I was working on."
He pulled a pained face almost as soon as he had said that, as if he had let something slip that he shouldn't have. Celebrimbor's own face broke into a grin in response. Annatar was stuck!
"So! the almighty messenger of the Valar is stuck! Does he perhaps need some help?" Celebrimbor waggled his eyebrows playfully, enjoying the role reversal.
"NO! ...I mean, no, thank you. I'm sure I can solve this on my own."
Celebrimbor shook his head in mock exasperation and made his way towards the desk.
"You know, there really is no need to be so proud. Even you can ask for help from time to time."
"No, Tyelpë, really, there's no need to trouble yourself," Annatar re-busied himself covering the sheet he had been working on, clearly embarrassed at having been caught stumped.
"Annatar, I would be happy to give it. You've given so much assistance to the rest of us. Let me return the favour for once."
By the time Celebrimbor had reached the desk, Annatar had successfully covered most of his work. Most of it. Some sketching in the top, left-hand corner could still be made out.
"Ah, an improved ring design, is it?"
Annatar looked up at him like a child caught stealing from the pantry. So, the Maia was even more of a perfectionist than he had initially thought. Annatar usually brought ideas and information to the Mírdain in fairly complete order. Clearly, he did not like being observed at the more raw, head-scratching part of the process.
Celebrimbor couldn't help but chuckle again.
"Fine then, keep your secrets. I won't pry any further and I look forward to hearing all about your genius design once it's ready to be revealed to the rest of us."
Annatar visibly relaxed at that. Celebrimbor couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. He had seen this kind of nervous perfectionism ruin many a talent. Annatar appeared to be hanging on, but when image and expectation became more important than the simple joy of the process, it rarely boded well for one's well-being.
Feeling somewhat guilty for the anxiety he had unintentionally caused, Celebrimbor decided to change the subject.
"If I'm honest, I had rather selfish motives for my entering without knocking. I haven't seen your library since the day the carpenters left, so when I saw that the door wasn't closed as usual, my nose got the better of me."
Annatar raised an eyebrow at the admission.
"I hadn't you down as one for snooping?"
"Come now, does it really count as snooping if the owner is in the room?"
"Fine then," replied Annatar with a mischievous smile, "I didn't have you down as one for such opportunistic behaviour."
Celebrimbor smiled guiltily back.
"I suppose I can't really refute that one. I was just so curious. You spend so much time here and I haven't ever actually gotten the chance to see it myself...You've done wonders with this place, Anna."
Annatar beamed with pride at the compliment, like a parent who's just been told that their child is a marvel. Now it was Celebrimbor's turn to relax. Clearly, they were on less rocky ground here.
"I suppose it is past time that I give you a bit of a tour."
"I'd love one!" exclaimed Celebrimbor, delighted that his boldness was being rewarded and completely incapable of hiding it.
He was quickly distracted by another cause for excitement, however. As Annatar rose from his desk, Celebrimbor couldn't help but notice how the Maia was (as usual) immaculately turned out. He always had the knack for knowing just what shape his clothing should be tailored too in order to flatter and emphasise he figure just so.
"Tyelpë…?"
Celebrimbor snapped out of his observations, realising that he had been staring.
"Sorry, sorry! Lead on! I'm ready."
Celebrimbor fixed a smile to his face that he hoped looked friendly and chided himself for allowing himself to be distracted by such thoughts. There's no point, he told himself, that one's probably not going to happen any time soon. He fixed his attention back on the books surrounding him and tried not to take anymore notice of the grace of the other's movements, or how the candlelight played so delightfully off his golden hair, or how the cut of his tunic showed off the strength of his shoulders so tantalisingly...
Books, Tyelpë! Books! That is what you came in here for, remember?
Thankfully, once they had started their tour, it really wasn't actually that difficult to keep his attention where it should be. Annatar really had worked wonders with his study space. And Celebrimbor's initial assumption of rigidly organised chaos proved to be true. Naturally, the volumes were grossly organised by topic. There was a section dedicated to almost every aspect of smithcraft as well as various topics a little more tangentially related, such as geography ("I find it useful to have a good grasp on where in the world my materials come from. It's also fascinating to map the evolution of different techniques, don't you think?"), linguistics ("I've travelled all over Middle Earth to gather knowledge of my craft. It's handy to keep a dictionary or two on hand."). There was even a section dedicated to the flora and fauna of Middle Earth, a section in which Celebrimbor noticed a very curious trend.
"Anna, why are all of these books about poisonous, venomous or otherwise deadly creatures? Surely there are nicer things to study?"
"There is value in knowledge that isn't 'nice', Tyelpë." The reply came in the tones of a parent patiently addressing a particularly naïve question. "How could we possibly attempt to treat, or better yet, avoid the hurts these creatures cause, if we know nothing about them?"
That was a very good point.
"Such an admirable pursuit. Though, I should know by now not to expect anything less from you, seeing as you spend so much of your time giving to others."
The Maia wore a strange expression in response to the comment, as if he didn't quite know how to respond to the compliment.
"Admirable...indeed...," a shy smile settled on his face, "You flatter me, my friend."
They continued their tour of the library. Annatar explained that he had further organised his books by sub-category, and their placement on the shelves was organised by how frequently he needed them ("For example, Tyelpë, the information held in the volumes at the top of the shelves is generally information that is already firmly locked in my own head. I rarely need to check them, but it's nice to have, just to keep it safe. You never know what'll happen next in this life"). The tables, piled with books, that could be found all around the room, held his most frequently used tomes. Though, even these were still organised by subject. Nothing was simply placed on a conveniently reached surface, they were placed on a specific conveniently reached surface.
"Where did you collect so many books?"
"Oh, the information I gathered from here and there...or my own research. The books themselves, however, were mostly penned by my own hand, though not all."
Celebrimbor stared wide-eyed at his friend.
"You wrote most of these yourself?!"
The Maia seemed to be a little confused that this was thought to be such an achievement.
"Of course. As my knowledge grows, either through...collaboration or through my own experimentation, I make note of it."
Annatar looked at the information gathered around him and beamed once more. It wasn't as guarded as his usual expressions were, Celebrimbor noted. Annatar usually appeared to be quite private about his emotions. On few occasions had Celebrimbor been lucky to catch him comfortable enough to show his emotions so thoroughly. Celebrimbor felt a certain honour in having gained enough of the Maia's trust to be allowed to witness it. It truly was a beautiful smile. One that Celebrimbor couldn't help returning. Celebrimbor wanted to hold onto the sight forever and his heart raced at the thought of the centuries, stretching out before them, in which he might be rewarded with more of these smiles.
"Tyelpë...? What are you staring at?"
"You."
Fuck!! I didn't really just say that, did I??
Annatar cocked an intrigued eyebrow.
"Me?"
"I mean...you really love your work. It's...nice to watch."
Annatar smiled, turning his attention back to his beloved books, seeming to have already forgotten Celebrimbor's slip. Or perhaps it's unimportant to him...
"I do, Tyelpë, I really do."
He turned to Celebrimbor and fixed him with another one of those rare, open looks. This one however wasn't joy. It was hunger. The intensity of his gaze unnerved the Elf somewhat, and yet he couldn't quite help but be drawn in by it. Something about the Maia's golden eyes held him in place.
"I want to know everything, Tyelpë, everything. I want to look under every rock. I want to know every secret. I want to look inside of everything and examine what makes it work. I want to know how to fix things when they break."
Here, the Maia turned away from him and seemed to look out far beyond the confining walls of the library.
"I could only learn so much from the music. So much of it remains a mystery to me. So much in this world was not in the original music. I want to understand it all. Only when I know it all can I use it, manipulate it. Control it."
He turned back to Celebrimbor; an even deeper hunger written on his face.
"Only then can I fix this broken world!"
Celebrimbor felt something inside himself melt. Despite the impassioned delivery, there was something so innocent about that goal. Annatar made it sound like he really did believe that he could single-handedly fix everything if he could just learn all the necessary facts. It was a child's solution to the world's problems.
"That's all I really want Tyelpë. To fix it all. To make it better. If I just had the knowledge of how to, I know I could make Middle Earth a paradise for the Children. A paradise to rival even Valinor itself!"
Seemingly distressed by his inability to manifest this paradise right now, the Maia hid his face in his hands and sank down onto the nearest table (though, he wasn't so distressed as to not be mindful of the beloved books the table held).
"Oh Annatar," Celebrimbor reached out and placed a hand on the other's shoulder, "You really do want what's best for this world, don't you?"
Annatar put his hands down from his face and looked up at him.
"I do. I can fix it. I know I can," sighing, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he spoke again, his voice sounded distant, as if he were talking to himself. "So many mistakes... Everything is a mess..."
Celebrimbor smiled down at his friend.
"A truly admirable pursuit. Perhaps we should switch your name to 'The Admirable' in place of 'The Lord of Gifts'!"
The Maia's head shot up at that. His eyes met Celebrimbor's. He held the Elf's gaze for slightly longer than was comfortable, as if he were searching for something. It was long enough for Celebrimbor to spot little red and orange flecks among the gold that he had never noticed before. Beautiful, he thought.
Finally, the Maia spoke.
"Perhaps..."
Celebrimbor couldn't quite read the Maia's tone. He had returned to his usual, guarded self. Well done, Tyelpë, he thought to himself, that one's definitely not happening any time soon. He sighed inwardly. Annatar amazed him, with all his knowledge and passion for his craft and his generosity in sharing that knowledge and passion with others. Yet for all that caring, Annatar seemed to keep everyone at arm's length. His outburst moments before was the most open Celebrimbor had ever heard him be. He longed for Annatar to always be that open with him. It broke his heart to be shut out almost immediately after having been allowed in. It broke his heart to think of what could have possibly happened to his beloved Maia to have made him like this, that made him feel he had to always be so guarded. It reminded him of how his uncle Nelyo had been after... towards the end.
Deciding to continue with his earlier boldness (had it not been rewarded after all?!), Celebrimbor knelt in front of the other and took both his hands in his own. He looked at Annatar with what he hoped was the most sincere expression that any of the Eldar had ever before worn. It was met with a look of deep confusion on the Maia's face, though he did not pull away. In fact, he looked interested to see where this was going. That was promising at least.
"I will help you do it, Annatar."
The Maia cocked his head to the side, curiosity in his eyes.
"Do what?"
"Fix it all. Learn how to fix it. Whatever you want!"
He gave the Maia's hands an affectionate squeeze.
"I just want to make you happy."
A pause, and then Annatar squeezed Celebrimbor's hands back. Though his squeeze was tighter, and he didn't seem inclined to loosen it anytime soon. Celebrimbor's heart hammered at the firmness of the hold, delighted that he hadn't been immediately pushed away.
The Maia bent forward, fixing him with another one of those searching gazes before answering.
"I am glad to hear that Tyelpë. I believe that together we could really make a difference here in Middle Earth. We could actually effect some change.
Annatar smiled down at him with such unusual warmth that Celebrimbor decided to push his luck even further. Leaning closer, he pulled one of the Maia's hands to his lips and place a small kiss on the palm. He hoped that even if Annatar didn't feel the same way, the action would be taken as the deference of an Elda for one of the Ainur. He certainly meant it that way too. Annatar's arrival had brought so much hope to his life. He was grateful to the Valar for sending him as teacher and guide. He would help Annatar bring about this paradise that he envisaged. He would stay by his side as long as he was given the privilege.
When he looked back up, Annatar was beaming hungrily down at him.