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“Gon! Stop crying!” Killua grits his teeth as he whispers loudly to Gon behind the dumpsters outside York New mall. He pulls away from Gon’s embrace and gives him a stern look as the shorter boy continues to sob.
“KILLUA, WE RUINED CHRISTMAS!” Gon wails, throwing himself back into Killua’s arms. Killua rolls his eyes hard enough that the back of his skull feels it, patting Gon on the back. Gon backs up and rubs his snot on his Christmas sweater sleeve. “WE KILLED NOEL, GOOD OLE SAINT NICK…” he takes a breath. “WE KILLED SANTA CLAWS!”
“Gon, it's Santa Claus, and NO WE DIDN’T” Killua shakes him, not very gently either.
Gon’s head bobbles, his sobbing finally stopping now. “THEN WHO’S THAT!?” Gon points to the dead body they had just thrown into the dumpster.
Killua and Gon turn to stare at the body dressed in a cheap red and white polyester outfit. The fake beard falling off his chin. The Santa hat and wig long gone, discarded on the ground from their quick brawl. Killua had overestimated the older man’s strength and shocked him a bit too hard, killing him on impact. Both he and Gon were too shocked (pun intended) to say anything to each other as they dragged the limp and lifeless body to the dumpster, where they threw it in. The moment the body hit the ugly green metal with a morbid thud, Gon had started wailing.
Killua sighs loudly, as Gon sniffles. “Gon come on, that’s not Santa, thats fucking TONPA in a costume. Don’t feel bad he’s decomposing in a dumpster, we are doing the world a favor.” He gestures to Tonpa’s iconic big round nose and beer gut.
Gon nods. “That's true.. He was handing poor defensiveness kids laced juice.”
Killua smiles at him tentatively, holding his shoulder in his hand comfortingly. “Yeah! This was an act of patriotism. We did this for the people.”
“You’re so good at manipulating the truth; you should be a lawyer.” Gon says.
Killua’s hand drops and he gives Gon a sharp look. “Oh yes, let's all trust the ex-assassin to do legal work. I’m sure he’s being fair and just with the law. COME ON GON, we gotta get outta here before anyone finds out.” He gestures Gon to move as his legs start in the direction towards the parking lot, but before he gets a foot away, Gon tugs on his partner’s jacket, causing Killua to whip his head back to Gon, who is stuck in place.
Gon’s feet swivel on the ground, dirt and grime get on the rubber of his boots’ soles. “Where are we going to go?” Gon asks, looking at his feet before looking up at Killua with big eyes. “Are we going to need to change our names and bleach our hair?”
Killua scrunches his face at that. “I think we would just have to shave your hair off, and maybe change our outfits.”
“I think you would suit the name Cornelius.”
“What the fuck, how?”
“DON’T ASK ME QUESTIONS, I’M SEVERELY DESTRESSED RIGHT NOW!” Gon shrieks, punching Killua lightly in the arm.
“Gon.” Killua says warningly, before smacking Gon. “I KILLED THE MALL TONPA CLAUS, NOT YOU! And you killed like, multiple people before, why is this that big of a deal?”
Gon begins pacing, his hands in his hair. “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL THE CHILDREN KILLUA? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” He says, his hands being thrown into the air angrily.
“GON YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO SANTA WAS UNTIL LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO!” Killua growls.
Gon glares then looks away towards the apartments not too far away from behind the mall. “THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME! Do the children of York New who expect Santa Claus to deliver their gifts in a timely fashion mean nothing to you?”
“Yes.” Killua spits.
“OUCH Killua, that is so hurtful.” Gon says mockingly, throwing a hand over his heart.
“Gon, I don’t even celebrate Christmas. I have never celebrated Christmas in my life.” Killua says, his arms crossed as Gon paces back and forth.
Gon looks at him sheepishly, stopping in his tracks. “Oh right, sorry, aren’t you Jewish?”
“What do you mea—actually. Am I?” Killua pulls out the yoyo he used to kill Santa Claus with. The star of David stares back at him. “Oh shit, did I just kill Tonpa the food court Santa Claus in the name of Judaism?”
Gon laughs lightly at that. “Killua, how do you not know if you’re Jewish or not?”
“How would you know I’m Jewish?” Killua counters.
Gon gives him a deadpan face. “Because I’ve seen your circumsized dick.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Wait… We also never ate pork or shellfish… oh geez. Am I Jewish?”
Gon laughs at his boyfriend again. “Killua, I don’t know your religious background!”
“Hold on, let me check,” Killua pulls out his phone, and taps some buttons.
“Hey Milluki,” Killua rolls his eyes as he holds the phone away from his face. Before bringing it back after a few long seconds. “Shut up, are we Jewish?” Killua rolls his eyes again at the response he gets, Gon can hear Milluki shouting incoherently through the phone. “Mind your business, celibate. BYE.”
Killua looks up from his phone, his face conflicted. “Damn, was anyone going to tell me I was a Jew or was I just supposed to find out after I murdered Santa Claus?”
“I’m proud of you for coming out, Killua.” Gon says patting him on the shoulder.
“Thanks Gon.” Killua says, grabbing Gon’s hand from his shoulder and holding it.
“You’re welcome Killua—” Gon stops, his eyes grow wide. “KILLUA, SHIT, DOES THIS MEAN WE PERFORMED A HATE CRIME?”
“What?” KIllua says.
“Neither of us celebrate Christmas, we aren’t Christian and we just murdered one of their patron saints.”
“Gon, Santa Claus isn’t a saint.”
“SAINT NICK!”
Killua drops Gon’s hand and brings it to his hair giving it a tug at this realization. “OH my god Gon, we totally performed a hate crime.”
Gon starts sobbing hysterically again, and Killua grabs him holding Gon to his body. “Hey, it's okay. If I were to perform a hate crime against a religion, I would do it with you.” He coos sweetly, tenderly. His voice contrasts with his declaration immensely as he kisses the top of Gon’s head.
Gon’s face warms up as he smiles blushing into Killua’s shoulder. “Gosh Killua, you’re so romantic.” He says.
Killua smiles and pulls out of their embrace. “I know, now let’s run away together.”
Gon nods, Kilua wipes his tears with his sleeve, his fingers caressing Gon’s face, as Gon laughs lightly.
“It’s just you, me, my newly found Judaism, and a warrant out for our arrest against the world.”
“As it should be.” Gon agrees as they walk away hand in hand.
“Now, who other than me would know how to hide a body and get away with murder?” Killua asks, thinking aloud. They look at each other.
“Kurapika.” they say in unison.
“You guys killed Saint Nick?” Kurapika asks angrily, he takes out a flask from his jacket and begins pouring liquid from it into his coffee as they sit outside a cafe. He stirs it as he glares at Killua.
“Why are you glaring at me?” Killua bites. Gon laughs lighthearted beside him as Killua gives him an affectionate shove.
Kurapika takes a long sip, before giving Killua a look. “Because Gon is a sweet angel that has never done anything wrong in his life.”
Gon shakes his head at that. “I was his accomplice Kurapika, I ASSITED IN THE MURDER OF A SAINT.”
“STOP CALLING TONPA IN A CHEAP RENTED COSTUME A SAINT, GON!” Killua shouts at him.
Kurapika spits some coffee out. “Oh fuck, it was Tonpa? What was he doing as Santa Claus? Giving kids laxative laced juice?”
“Wait, yes, that's exactly what he was doing.” Killua says, handing Kurapika a napkin.
Kurapika mutters a small thanks and dabs the coffee stain on his shirt. “Yeah, okay, listen,” he looks at them. His eyebags hyper present, his suit ill fitting, hair messy. “You killed Tonpa; you shouldn’t feel bad, you’re doing the world a favor.”
Gon watches Kurapika crumple the napkin and wring it in his hands. “That's exactly what I said.” Killua throws his hands up.
Kurapika exhales and closes his eyes. Beginning to rub his temple with his fingers. “Then I don’t see what the problem is here, why did you need to ask me for my help?”
Killua leans back in his chair, letting out an exaggerated groan. “Because!” He runs his hand through his bangs in an effort to regain some composure as he continues. “We realized, if I’m a Jew, and Gon’s family is Buddhist, then we must have performed a hate crime against Christians.”
Kurapika lets out a snort. “What, why the fuck would you think that?”
Gon watches the way Kurapika is smiling at them in amusement. “I don’t know, we’re both gay and stupid.” He says as if that explains why they jumped to that incredibly drastic conclusion.
“In that order.” Killua adds before taking a long sip of his chocolate milk.
Kurapika shakes his head looking at them. “Guys…” He begins, before he notices the waiter walking towards them.
The waiter smiles at them. “You guys ready to order—”
“We are in the middle of a serious conversation, do you mind waiting?” Kurapika cuts him off, monotone and stern.
The waiter nods and walks away. Kurapika turns back to them. He takes a long swig of his coffee, shuddering a bit at the alcohol.
“Listen, It’s not a hate crime to kill a food court mythical being, where's the body, I’ll help you with it.” Kurapika says.
Killua and Gon nod slowly. “Yeah okay, uh, It’s in my car.” Killua throws his keys on the table from his pockets.
“KILLUA! Why would you put it in the back of a fucking automobile aren’t you a fucking ex-assassin you know damn well you have to carry it on your back and dump it—”
“Yeah, look, I got lazy. It's the eighth night of Hanukkah. I looked it up, I deserve some rest.” Killua shrugs as he stands up.
Gon follows in suit, placing a comforting hand on Killua’s shoulder. “You do deserve some rest Killua.” He says as he looks at Killua heartfully.
“Thanks babe.” Killua says back, completely genuinely.
Kurapika gags at them, before he downs the rest of his coffee in one swig. “Ugh whatever, let's just go to your car.”
Gon and Killua nod, standing up, while Kurapika fishes around his jacket pocket, pulling out wrinkled Jenny and throwing it on the table, before they walk towards the car parked behind the strips of shops in an alleyway.
Gon shivers while holding onto Killua’s arm as they approach Killua’s SUV. “Why does this feel like this is a drug deal?”
“Gon, we are literally doing something illegal.” Killua says.
“One could argue that MURDER is more illegal that drug dealing.” Kurapika adds.
Gon groans loudly. “Shut up, don't say the M word, I am going to burst into tears. I can’t believe we ruined Christmas.”
“GON WE DIDN'T RUIN CHRISTMAS!” Killua shouts at him as they pop open the trunk and peer inside, where it looks more like he's asleep than dead. If you subtracted the sheet thrown on him haphazardly.
“Wait,” Kurapika says as he lifts the body up. He frowns deeply. “You guys...did you even check his pulse?”
Gon and Killua look at each other.
“Uh...”
“He’s fucking breathing.” Kurapika grits out.
Gon perks up at that, giving a little jump as he tugs at Killua’s arm. “OH MY GOD KILLUA, YOU DIDN’T RUIN CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL!”
Killua pats Gon as he looks at his own hands, flipping it before making a small spark. “Oh my god. Thank god, I really thought I lost my touch with my Nen, this makes me feel way better.” Killua sighs with relief.
Kurapika looks at Killua deadpan. “Are you more relieved that you were able to control your nen and not that Santa is alive?”
“Yeah, fuck that bitch.” Killua sticks his hand back in his pocket.
Kurapika feels around the sleeping man’s chest. “Ugh, I don't think the damage you did is irreversible, it still seems pretty lethal. We would need a doctor to check on him.” He concludes, taking his hand off, reaching in his pocket for sanitizer and applying some liberally on his hands.
Gon shakes his head in understanding. “Gosh, how are we going to find a doctor that will help with an attempted murder case?”
They all look at each other.
“Leorio.” They say in unison.
“Man is it good to see you—HOLY SHIT IS THAT TONPA DON’T BRING THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN MY HOUSE!” Leorio screams as Killua and Gon push past Leorio into his family room. Killua throws the (alive) body onto the couch.
“GROSS, YOU’RE GETTING HIS ICKY GERMS IN HERE!” Leorio whines loudly.
“Stop being a baby, Leorio.” Kurapika tells him as he strolls into the house. He looks to his left seeing a small Christmas tree.
“Awe how cute. Really livens up the place.” Kurapika says nonchalant. Like the reason they are meeting is under completely normal circumstances.
“Thanks.” Leorio says angrily. He sighs rubbing a hand over his face and looks towards Killua and Gon. They’re around his age he was when they met, now. He looks at how tall and toned Killua got, how his hair brushes his shoulders, cut into a mullet. He looks at Gon, just around Kurapika’s height, strong yet soft still. His eyes shine the same, the way he looks at Killua as Killua talks to him, in complete adoration, makes Leorio’s heart ache.
Suddenly Kurapika’s hand is on his shoulder. “Leorio, why are you crying? You didn’t almost kill a saint.” He says, smirking at him confused.
Leorio rubs the tears he didn’t realize were there and then lets those words sink in. “THEY DID WHAT NOW?”
“KURAPIKA YOU FUCKING SNITCH!” Killua shouts.
Gon looks at Leorio panicked. “We ruined Christmas, Leorio!”
“Awe, Gon,” Leorio says, coming to give Gon a hug. He squeezes Gon as he lifts him up off the floor. “You didn’t ruin Christmas.” He shoots Killua a glare. “It was Killua.”
Killua flips him off. “Shut up old man, you can’t say that to me, I’m Jewish.”
Leorio drops Gon back down. “Oh really? Congrats man.” Leorio says smacking Killua good naturedly on the back, Killua glares at him as he rubs the spot.
“Don’t you mean mazel tov?” Killua asks.
“No, isn’t that good fortune?” Gon wonders aloud.
“It can be expressed as a form of congratulations.” Kurapika says from the chair beside the fireplace. A book in his hand.
Killua does a double take.“Where did you get that book?”
“The built in bookshelf?” Kurapika says as though it were obvious.
“Oh.” Killua says, he and Gon look over to the bookshelf, an old photograph of the four of them rests in a nice frame. As Gon and Killua look around, distracted with taking in Leorio’s family room, Leorio checks on the older man on his couch. They look at the brown built-in bookshelf surrounding the brick fireplace and the garland hanging across the mantle. It's a nice room. The red and orange rug, the wooden coffee table, littered with nicnacs. The photo of all four of them and Alluka hangs on the left wall. Killua takes in that photo, smiling to himself at the memory that comes with it.
“Okay guys, I can probably heal him, but after that we are kicking his nasty ass out on the streets, got it?” Leorio says, rolling up his sleeves and activating his Nen.
Gon and Killua nod, Gon walks over to the tree and looks down at gifts under it. He picks one up, it's wrapped neatly in dark green plaid wrapping paper, red bow and tag on it. Gon flips the tag over and sees his name on it.
He frowns, as a hand comes to rest on his waist. “Whatcha looking at Gon?” Killua asks, taking the gift out of his hand.
“Killua…Leorio got us gifts.” Gon whispers.
Killua looks confused at Gon’s tone. “He does every year. We mailed his gift from Whale Island, remember?” He says.
“I know. But, there's only four gifts here.” Gon says. “I might be bad at math, but that's one for you, one for me, one for Kurapika, and one for Alluka.”
Killua nods slowly.
“He doesn’t have anyone else to spend christmas with, Killua.” Gon says sadly. “That's not fair.”
Killua looks at him, understanding now, and looks to where Leorio is, healing Tonpa, for them, after Killua had knocked him out. Leorio, who has this big empty house, with no one else in it. Just old pictures of the four of them, and lonely gifts under his tree. Was Leorio just going to spend Christmas alone? Killua feels his eyes burn, he turns back away from Leorio and looks at Gon who has on a similar expression.
“This isn’t right.” Gon says.
Killua nods, and they walk over to Kurapika who is reading on Leorio’s chair like he hasn’t had a moment to relax in weeks. Or hasn’t allowed himself to relax for a moment in weeks.
“Kurapika.” Killua says.
Kurapika hums without looking up.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Kurapika folds the book closed with his thumb saving his spot. He looks up to the two of them and quirks an eyebrow. “Why?” He asks.
Gon starts speaking. “It's Christmas Eve, we should all be together tonight. I want to spend it with you and Leorio, would you be able to stay here?” Gon asks. “For tonight?”
Kurapika looks at Gon, looks between him and Killua. They both have faces of complete determination, they won't take no for an answer, Kurapika understands that. He hasn’t spent a Christmas Eve with them since before Alluka started hanging out with Zushi and Wing, since before Gon and Killua retired young, spent their days traveling and taking odd jobs. Since before Leorio had this house he got with doctor money.
Kurapika looks away from the two of them, to Leorio, who is healing a man he despises, because they had asked. Because he is there for them. Because he is a good friend, a caring person. Because he’s been letting Kurapika shower in his bathroom between jobs, because he lets him eat from his fridge, and because he never asks for anything in return.
Kurapika nods, and puts down his book. “Yes,” he says, and he smiles softer. “I would like to stay here with you all.”
Killua and Gon smile at him. “I’ll text Alluka and tell her to meet us here then.” Killua says, taking out his phone, beginning to send her a text.
Kurapika nods. And stands up. As he does that, Leorio makes a celebratory sound, and wipes his brow where sweat is forming.
“Okay guys, I think I reversed some of the damage. Lets haul his ass outside.” He says. And then he looks at the three of them, tilting his head. “What's with the serious faces guys? I just saved Christmas.” He smiles at them, and gets off of his knees. “Cheer up!”
Kurapika smiles at him. Gon nods.
Killua pockets his phone. “Okay, let's drag his crusty ass outta here.” He says, smirking, Leorio cheers at that, and they all walk over to the couch. They each grab a hold of Tonpa and walk over to the door carrying his alive body.
“Gon, can you get the door?” Leorio asks.
“Got it.”
“Okay let's all move to the left.”
“My left or your left?”
“We are on the same side.”
“Oh, oopsie.”
They walk down the steps, laughing every time they bump Tonpa’s body on something, and everytime someone takes a misstep, laughing as they carry the body down the block.
“Okay see that bench, guys?” Leorio says, gesturing with his chin to a bench with a tacky ad on the backrest.
“Yeah.” They say in unison.
“Lets plop him over there.” Leorio says as they shift their weight towards the bench.
“On it.” Killua and Gon say together.
Once Tonpa is on the bench the four of them look at the bench then look at each other, then back at Tonpa on the bench.
His beard fell off along the way, his hat sits lopsided, bruises forming on his face, his beer belly full in the ugly polyester Santa outfit. The fur is more cream than white, almost matted, it looks like his chest has blood or some other bodily fluid.
“Santa had too many laxative cookies.” Kurapika hums. He stares at Tonpa, his face unmoving.
“Santa looks like he’s incapaciated.” Killua says.
“He is incapaciated Killua, whose fault is that?” Leorio says with a snort.
“Santa looks like a drunk!” Gon blurts out loudly.
Everyone looks at Tonpa passed out on the bench. Gon grabs an empty can from next to the garbage and places it in his hand.
“It's perfect.” Kurapika says in awe, before everyone bursts out laughing at the image of drunken Santa Claus who looks like he got in a bar fight.
Once their laughter dies down, everyone looks at each other. Leorio rubs his neck.
“So what’re your plans now?” Leorio asks, and it's small.
Gon smiles at him. “Would you mind if we just spent the rest of today with you?” Gon asks, as Killua nods, arm draped over Gon.
Before Leorio says anything, Kurapika smiles. “Yes, I too would like to hang out tonight.”
Leorio makes an odd face. One Killua is able to recognize immediately. One Kurapika knows well. And one Gon sees often. It's a twisted upper lip, and eyes that glisten, holding in the biggest smile ever. Holding in for a reason, Gon doesn’t understand, but can appreciate his efforts.
“Okay.” Leorio begins. “Okay yeah, this sounds fun.” He says.
Killua grins, and throws his hands behind his head as he begins walking to Leorio’s house. “Yeah, we weren’t really gonna give you a choice anyway. Alluka is coming too, and since you’re being so generous allowing us to stay at your house tonight and all, I’ll go ahead and order us all some pizza.” He says, as he walks down the sidewalk. Gon smiles at Killua’s back and turns to the three of them.
“Does your fireplace work Leorio?” Gon asks as he links arms with both him and Kurapika. Kurapika smiles wide as they walk over.
Leorio nods at him, leaning down towards his shorter friends, it's an awkward angle. “It works alright, I just don’t know if I can trust you with a fire.”
Kurapika laughs at that. While Gon makes an offended noise. “Gon, don’t make that face at us, you almost burned down Leorio’s apartment making microwave popcorn.” Kurapika says, which causes Leorio to laugh.
“THAT WAS ALL KILLUA’S FAULT! I was just encouraging him.”
“You can't blame Killua for every crime you guys commit together.” Leorio says warningly.
“The only crime I’ve ever committed is being too swag.” Gon says, his chin raised. Then he looks to the distance. “And murder.”
“That's understandable.” Kurapika says.
Leorio’s jaw drops. “Kurapika don't encourage that!”
“WILL YOU GUYS HURRY UP ALREADY! ALLUKA IS ON HER WAY!” Killua screams from the porch steps.
“WE’RE COMING!” Gon yells back at him, grinning.
“COULD YOU WALK ANY SLOWER?”
Gon scoffs. “YES.” he says before stopping dead in his tracks, causing Kurapika and Leorio to stop as well. They both laugh and take a step in slow motion. Watching Killua’s reaction, who groans loudly.
“I HATE YOU GUYS!” He says but he’s smiling.
“LOVE YOU TOO!” Gon shouts at him.
Leorio coughs as he laughs and looks at them. “Man, I missed you crazies.”
Gon smiles softly as him, nudging his head towards him affectantly. “We missed you too Leorio!”
“As did I.” Kurapika adds fondly.
Gon smiles between the two of them. “Now let's hurry in case Killua starts another fire.”
“I HEARD THAT!” Killua shouts.
“GOOD!” Gon shouts, raising his fists at Killua, causing Kurapika and Leorio to raise theirs, as they laugh from beside Gon.
Leorio watches as Kurapika laughs, watches Gon and Killua make faces at each other from across the street, and he thinks to himself that this is the best gift of all.