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Chapter Text

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Loop
The players were flying and starting to swoop
Firing their guns as they soared through the air
Loudly enough that one spy started to care.

What the hell is that noise, he wondered aloud
Madly enough you'd think that he'd seen a storm cloud.
He pulled out his gun and loaded some ammo
And ran to the south, where it'd started to snow.

But wait, thought the spy, as he came to a stop,
Among some festive skins from the item shop.
It seems it's the season for holiday cheer
Yet the snowstorm does not reach far beyond here. 

In bygone days, the whole map would be covered
Including the parts that no one had discovered. 
Now isn't the year for that streak to shatter!
"Agent Jonesy, just what the hell is the matter?"

The spy asked thusly beneath the zero point
Not far from the spot where he'd once run a joint.
Sighing, Jones simply waved his hand at the sand
Which had covered most of the surrounding land.

"We're standing in a bit of an arid belt.
So hot that any snowflake will start to melt.
One snowy corner is as good as it gets.
Now scram before you make me lose one of my bets."

This would not do, the spy decided.
He then asked a question, however misguided:
"Is there any way we could have a White Christmas?
Or is this more proof that you've ruined my business?"

Jones then considered and came up with a plan
Hoping it would placate the golden spy man. 
"I'll call my hunters, while you call your agents
(Though I'm sure that they'll ask for suitable payments).

We'll settle this the way that They intended:
Battle Royale, until only one isn't dead."
"Fuck that," said the spy. "Here's a much better plan:
We'll play Snowdown Shuffle to find the best man."

And so it was agreed as the two shook hands
Each forming strategies as they called their bands,
Hoping their teams were suitably inspired. 
But that's enough rhymes; the author is tired. 

Snowdown Shuffle Wager Rules
-Each LTM will be played one (1) time.
-Each team will field four (4) duos.
-The winning duo takes the win for their team. 
-First team to reach four (4) wins, uh, wins. 

Midas' team

Midas surveyed his agents, then the LTM list, then the list of Agent Jonesy's hunters. "Right, so, let's play to our strengths," he said. "Skye, you're with Meowscles. Maya, you're with Agent Peely. TNTina, you're with Deadpool. And I'll take Brutus."

"Of course you will," someone muttered. 

"Whoever said that is fired once this is over," Midas said smoothly. "I expect Jones will take Menace, so I need Brutus to be equally matched. Now, remember, we're fighting for a White Christmas, so I expect you all to do your best. You all have your best Christmas gear equipped, yes?" The agents nodded, pulling out their various festive harvesting tools and gliders. "Good. Any questions?"

"Yeah, I have one," Skye said. "I get why you're in your Ghost style, but how'd you get the Merry Munchkin back bling? That was way before us."

"I stole it from Lynx. Any other questions? No?" Midas raised his Merry Mint pickaxe. "To Spawn Island!"

Agent Jonsey's team

Agent Jonesy surveyed his hunters, then the LTM list, then the list of Midas' agents. "Right, so, let's play to their weaknesses," he said. "Meowscles is literally a cat, so let's stick Mave against him, with Lexa because he'll probably stick Skye with him. Then Mancake, you can take-"

"I want the banana," Mancake said. 

"Excuse me?"

"Have you ever had bananas with your breakfast? Heavenly. One of the best menu options at the Butter Barn."

"Okay, fine," Agent Jonesy said. "You're with Kondor, then, and hopefully you'll actually get something done. So that's Reese with Mando, and obviously I'll take Menace. Any questions?" The hunters shook their heads. "Good. Now, remember, not all of these modes require murder, but this IS a battle royale game, so I know you'll all make the right choices. Understood?" The hunters nodded. "Great. Let's go!"

And so the two teams met on Spawn Island, with Agent Jonesy and Midas at the front of their respective sides. The teams eyed each other, sizing each other up. "One last thing," Agent Jonesy said. "To ensure there's no foul play, I've hired three judges to oversee the competition."

"There's no need for that. We'll all fight fair," Midas swore. "I'm a man of my word."

Agent Jonesy scoffed. "Please. We might never financially recover from your little bars forgery stunt. Anyway, the judges are Snowmando, Frost Squad, and-"

A large purple cube appeared in a blaze of purple lightning, wearing a Santa hat on one corner. "It is I, Kevin, the avatar of blizzards, nightfall before 5 pm, and working from home," he announced. "I have come to be the third judge of this winter competition due to your snow day squabble."

Everyone waved and greeted Kevin, except Midas, who shuffled his feet and avoided eye contact. Agent Jonesy glanced at him and sank his forehead into his palm. "You can't be serious. 'Doomed from the Start' can't possibly be canon to this."

"Have you forgotten where we're trapped?" Midas pointed at the zero point. "Everything is canon to everything here."

Agent Jonesy's face fell. "All right, fair enough. But he's still gonna be a judge."

"Fine." Midas smirked. "Let the games begin."

Chapter Text

"Explain to me," Midas said, examining the example ticket in his hands, "how you managed to craft golden tickets without me."

"You know..." Agent Jonesy sighed. "You don't have a monopoly on gold."

"Don't I?"

"No."

"And why is there an F on them?" Midas continued. "For fuck? That's not very kid-friendly."

"It stands for Fortnite, you damn fool."

But Midas had stopped listening. "Agents!" he called, turning to his team. "Golden ticket has much too many syllables for efficient communication. Please refer to these as fuck bucks."

The agents all flashed thumbs up signs while Agent Jonesy sank his head into his palm once again and returned to his hunters. "You all know the drill: camp the supply drops, shoot anyone who comes near, and I'll be waiting at the end so we can cross the finish line promptly. Any questions?"

Mancake raised his hand. "What's the race route?"

"Uh..." Agent Jonesy checked the map. "Dirty Docks to Durr Burger."

"That goes past Butter Barn."

"Yes."

"I want the banana."

"For the love of- Dude, take it from me: I don't recommend it." Agent Jonesy glanced at Kondor. "So I guess I'm counting on you then." He surveyed the rest of his hunters. "Wait a minute, Mando, where's The Child?"

"Playing with Kit."

"But I thought, you know, 'where I go, he goes'...?"

"They are working with Jules to build a lightsaber."

"Well, that's not going to work. Those are vaulted right now." Agent Jonesy thought for a moment. "On the other hand, that'll keep him out of the way so you're not distracted."

"I am uncomfortable leaving him with so many droids," Mando admitted. "But it is his wish."

"That's the spirit. Let's go."

And so the hunters and agents lined up on a particular ledge in Dirty Docks, all stretching as Snowmando prepared to wave the flag that would begin the race. Both teams eyed the vehicles in the area, gauging whether they could get to any before their competitors. 

So it was hardly surprising that, in the initial moments after the race had begun, there was a rash dash to the line of parked cars against the brick wall close to the ledge as every team vied for a seat in any of the arrayed autos. Very few of the combatants had chosen to go for a chest instead, and so a good half of everyone had already died by the time the rest of them were in cars. 

Except, of course, for the two sharp-dressed men in the group, who had both patiently and wisely waited for the initial flurry to wane before finding a suitable weapon and vehicle for themselves. With thinly veiled animosity, the two nodded at each other and moved to leave the ledge, except for the fact that there was only one car remaining. 

The two men exchanged glances. "Your shoe's untied," Agent Jonesy tried. 

"My shoes have buckles," Midas pointed out. "But your shoes are untied."

"What?" Agent Jonesy looked down, giving Midas the opportunity he needed. He jumped in the Whiplash and sped off, cheerfully sticking his middle finger out the window as he shouted, "Nice default pickaxe!"

Mancake and Kondor sat beneath the bridge near Compact Cars, where a supply drop was scheduled to drop. "So again," Mancake said, "the plan is to shoot at the banana-"

"And kill him."

"No," Mancake said, exasperated. "We scare him, lead him in the direction of the Butter Barn, and then we kill them there and use his body for breakfast."

"I do not require sustenance."

"Well, maybe one of the girls will want some. Mando refuses to eat with us, and Jones sounded like he was out." He nudged Kondor. "Look, here they come."

Indeed, Agent Peely and Maya had appeared on the hillside, making their way toward the supply drop, both still holding their pickaxes. Mancake jumped out from behind the support beam and drew his pistol. The two agents spotted him, glanced at each other, then their pickaxes. But while Maya swung hers and kept going, Agent Peely started running away, taking the long way around the bridge and veering toward Gas N' Grub with Mancake following and firing wildly. 

This left Maya alone with Kondor, which made her stop short. But he didn't fire. "I haven't picked up a weapon yet," she said. 

"I'm aware," Kondor said, "but killing you would just respawn you with the banana, putting you farther ahead, which runs counter to my objective. Rest assured that I will shoot you if you try to open the supply drop, however."

"I don't really care about this mode," Maya admitted. "Midas just said he'd give me max bars for helping him, and I like being able to use the exotic weapons every match. Do you have a favorite exotic?"

Kondor was silent for a moment. "Did... you just ask my opinion on something?"

"Yes?"

"I do not typically receive requests that are not demands."

"Sounds annoying."

"Such is the existence of a genie. I have not had the opportunity to use the exotic weapons as I have other duties this season. But... perhaps you could demonstrate?"

"Well, I would, but they're not in this mode. You're good with that Dragon's Breath Shotgun, though, right? I want to get better at that."

And so Kondor and Maya went off to Lake Canoe to burn down trees for target practice with the Dragon's Breath Shotgun. 

"Okay so..." Lexa peered through her sniper rifle, surveying the surrounding area. "You grabbed those gliders, right?"

"I did," Mave said. 

"They're going for that one." Lexa marked the supply drop on the map. "We should be high enough that the cat'll spot you immediately once you jump off. Okay?"

"His pelt shall make a fine blanket," Mave declared, and flew off the cliff. 

"I don't think that's how this works!" Lexa called after her, but it was clear Mave couldn't hear her. "Whatever. We're still gonna get paid."

Below, Skye and Meowscles were pacing around the supply drop, shooting it with their normal and heavy assault rifles, respectively. Suddenly, Meowscles stopped firing. "Do you see that?" he asked. 

"See what?" Skye paused her shooting and looked around. "It's just a bird, Meowscles."

"I'm going to hunt the bird."

"What? No."

"I'm going to bring the bird to master and teach him how to hunt."

"Meowscles, I promise, the last thing Midas wants is a fucking dead bird."

But Meowscles had already started to chase the bird, leaving Skye to deal with the supply drop on her own. With a sigh, she started to open it, but before she could grab the fuck buck, a sniper shot flew past her face. She whirled around and scanned the area, but before she could get her bearings, someone landed in front of her; to her surprise, it was a girl about her age, who pointed at her head with her gun. "Is your hat alive?" she asked. 

"Um," Skye said, as she was confused as to why she hadn't been shot yet, "yes. Ollie is my hat."

"He's soooo cute," the other girl gushed. "Listen, I'm Lexa, and I'm supposed to stop you from getting tickets, but I suppose if you came and played games with me instead of this, that would technically be the same as if I'd killed you, right?"

"Works for me."

And so Skye and Lexa went to Hunter's Haven and played video games in great numbers. 

Midas tapped his foot impatiently as he filled up the Whiplash at Gas n' Grub. He was the furthest across the map, well ahead of the line where the supply drops were falling. As long as Brutus held his own against Menace, they were all clear. But Menace likely had fuck bucks of his own to collect, since Agent Jonesy clearly had the same strategy as him. 

He was topping off the tank when another car roared into the station, ramming into the pump and exploding absolutely everything. Midas found himself several meters away, and combed the area for a sign of his Whiplash, but it was gone. In its place was an inferno and two misbehaving agents using the Laugh It Up emote. "We're on the same team!" he reminded them tersely. 

"Sorry boss," TNTina said. "But we tried getting fuck bucks and got wrecked by Reese and Mando, so we figured we'd just have fun instead." 

"Find me another car," Midas said, trying to stay calm, "and all will be forgiven."

"But we want the car."

Midas pulled out his pistol. "I am not asking."

"We're on the same team!" she reminded him. 

"For overall points, yes. But in the context of the match mechanics, you're just another duo." So Midas killed them both without regrets and found another car to use on his own, and continued his way to the finish line. 

In the Butter Barn, a rather tense negotiation was going on, as Mancake had Agent Peely tied up in the dining room. Agent Peely had been in such situations before, but Mancake was an outlaw and his usual techniques weren't working. More infuriating was the fact that Maya had apparently abandoned him, since she hadn't shown up yet. 

"Look," Mancake said. "I'm sorry about your cousin and your aunt and your stepbrother from Salty who's great at darts all getting eaten. And I know there are normal, non-sentient bananas on the island, and they taste fine. I just think that one with a brain will taste better. Give it that extra kick, you know? There's gotta be some reason Jones survived on just one of you for years in that bunker."

Agent Peely did not like being reminded of that, but there wasn't much he could do at this point, except hope for a miracle. (It's not like a certain genie of vengeance was going to grant HIM any wishes.) 

But as Mancake loaded his gun, a vehicle burst through the walls of the Butter Barn, killing them both and sending them back above Lake Canoe, which was still in flames from Maya and Kondor's shotgun practice. 

Agent Jonesy paced in front of in front of Durr Burger Restaurant, his spirits raising with every ticket Menace collected. Even with his rough start, Agent Jonesy had managed to make good time across the map, although he'd been forced to use a gas can to refill his Prevalent since someone had destroyed the only gas station between Dirty Docks and the finish line. He sighed and hoped it wasn't one of his hunters. 

Only one more ticket. He entered the restaurant and paced in front of the counter, where the finish line would appear, until a ping sounded in his ear. Yes. "Menace, that's the last ticket?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Good." Agent Jonesy turned around to face the finish line while still on the phone. "Then I'll go ahead and-" He looked up, right into the business end of a pistol. "What the-"

"Hello, John," Midas said, firing. He smiled as Agent Jonesy disappeared. "Brutus, how many more fuck bucks do we need?"

"This is the last one." And indeed, Midas soon heard the ping that informed him the finish line was open. He turned around and promptly launched into Springy once he crossed it. 

Agents: 1 Hunters: 0

Chapter Text

"Agents," Midas began, surveying the group, "I'm proud of our early lead, but I can't help but notice that it was entirely thanks to me, and that SOME of you seem to have been fraternizing with the enemy."

"Lexa's dad invented Tetris 99," Skye said. 

"No fucking way," TNTina said. 

"Also, you didn't do anything but drive to the finish line," Skye continued. "Brutus was the one out there actually collecting fuck bucks-"

"I got three more eliminations than you did."

"Two of those were your own teammates!"

"Look," Midas said, rolling his eyes, "do you guys want a White Christmas or not?"

On the other side of the Spawn Island, Agent Jonesy's pep talk with the hunters was going much the same. "I pay you guys to get eliminations, not make breakfast or play games or start forest fires. Luckily, this next mode doesn't allow much room for anything but murder, but I better not see any more distractions in future matches. Got it?" Everyone nodded, but at least half of them had their fingers crossed behind their backs when they did. 

And so the two teams met to review the rules. "Shockwave," Frost Squad began, "is a mode where you damage your opponents to and push them past their breaking point-"

"It's Smash Bros," Agent Jonesy said. "It's just Smash Bros with a strong closing storm."

"You had me until you mentioned the storm," Midas said. "Now I hate it. Also, why do I feel like you're going to be good at this mode?"

"That's classified," Agent Jonesy said. 

Midas turned back to the judges. "He's going to cheat."

"That remains to be seen," Kevin said. "Have fun bouncing."

ROUND ONE
Lazy Lake | infantry rifle / double barrel shotgun / crash pads 

The agents found themselves off to a rough start as none of them were particularly good with any of these items. The hunters, on the other hand, were not so picky, and were more caught off guard by the bouncing than anything else. Still, it did little to impact their performance, particularly Menace, who dominated the arena with the double barrel shotgun, eliminating agents one by one, until only one remained. 

"I don't care how many foes you've bested in the arena," Midas said. He'd just blasted Agent Jonesy into the storm with the shotgun, and now he leveled the barrel at Menace. "I refuse to be killed by the storm."

He fired and missed, and was forced to reload, jumping around in vain as Menace took him out with ease. 

Agents: 0 Hunters: 1

ROUND TWO
Holly Hedges | burst AR / combat shotgun / grappler 

Enraged by his defeat, Midas tore across the battlefield with the shotgun out, despite being pelted by burst AR shots the whole way. This made it even easier for Menace to blast him out of the arena, this time as the first casualty rather than the last. The rest of the round proceeded much the same as the last, although with significantly more grappling, though not always to the best effect. 

Finally, there were only two left, circling each other in the exact center of the storm's eye: Skye, who had managed to pick off hunters with the burst AR from afar, and Menace. "You are a formidable warrior, young adventurer," Menace commended, as he hit her with a blast from his combat shotgun, "but you are no match for the champion of the arena."

"You forgot one thing," Skye shouted, switching weapons. She dove behind Menace and swapped back to the shotgun. "I'm really good with the grappler."

Agents: 1 Hunters: 1

ROUND THREE
Weeping Woods | combat shotgun / revolver / grappler 

This round was a mix of people who thought they had good enough aim to use the revolver and people who thought that the combat shotgun wasn't as nerfed as it was. And while most of them remembered to use their grapplers, it only had ten uses, and they fell in the storm one by one until it was just Midas on the ground, clutching his revolver, while Agent Jonesy stood on the lodge roof with his combat shotgun. 

"It's over, Midas!" Agent Jonesy shouted. "I have the high ground."

Midas glared at Agent Jonesy and switched to the grappler. "You underestimate my power."

"Don't try it," Agent Jonesy warned. 

But Midas was already grappling up to the roof, though Agent Jonesy shotgunned him in the face before he had a chance to switch weapons and sent him flying into the storm. 

Agents: 1 Hunters: 2

ROUND FOUR
Slurpy Swamp | pump shotgun / quad launcher / boogie bombs 

Midas placed a hand on TNTina's shoulder. "This is your moment," he told her. 

And so it was, for she was a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, blasting hunters left and right with the quad launcher while the rest of the agents lobbed well-placed boogie bombs to leave the hunters defenseless. Though Mancake did manage to make some headway with his own boogie bombs, his taunt of "dance!" echoing across the arena, his shotgun could not keep up with TNTina's carnage, and the agents won handily. 

Agents: 2 Hunters: 2

ROUND FIVE
Hunter's Haven | AR / flint-knock pistol / snowball grenades 

And so it came down to this: a round played with a gun that everyone knew how to use well, a gun that nobody knew how to use well, and a throwable that caused cold feet. 

Naturally, it was a train wreck. Everyone was so desperate to get to the supply drop in hopes that it had a more usable weapon that the entire crowd ended up slipping and sliding past it and into the storm. And even less surprising was the fact that two men hadn't gone for the supply drop: Midas and Agent Jonesy, who glared at each other over the box between them.

Agent Jonesy switched to the flint-knock. "Shall we settle this like men?"

"Are you suggesting a duel?"

"It's the round that decides the winner. Why not do it in style?"

Midas narrowed his eyes, drumming his hands on the AR's grip. Finally, he nodded and switched as well. The two turned their backs and called out the count of their paces, and while neither of them was honorable enough to make it all the way to ten, Midas turned first. His shot was true, but Agent Jonesy went flying against a building rather than straight into the storm, giving him the opportunity to throw a snowball grenade and send Midas sliding into the storm. 

Agents: 1 Hunters: 1

Chapter Text

"Agents." Midas regarded his team with a golden clipboard between his hands, drumming his fingers on its back. "Your collective performance in the last mode was incredibly disappointing."

"You're the one who lost every time you were the last man standing for our team," Skye pointed out. 

"Please hold questions for the end," Midas said smoothly. "In the hopes of improving your performance this match, I've paid off the radio stations to play your favorite songs on repeat to inspire you all to do better." He handed the clipboard to Brutus, who was closest. "Print your requests clearly, please."

Brutus wrote his down quickly and passed it to Skye, who took the pen and paused. "Can we pick anything?"

"Skye." Midas sighed. "My net worth is all of it."

Skye grinned and scrawled furiously, then passed it on. When everyone was finished, Midas reviewed the list, tutting. "Some of you have no imagination." He scowled and scribbled out the bottom of the page. "Whoever added my name with Imagine Dragons' 'Gold' is fired, as well as whoever added The Hollies' 'King Midas in Reverse.' I do applaud your taste, however." He squinted at another line, then glanced at Skye. "Very funny. And expensive. You better put all that to good use."

"Trust me," Skye said, "I will."

Agent Jonesy, meanwhile, was having the opposite problem. He hurried from hunter to hunter, shoving a package into each pair of waiting hands. "So there's been a bit of a problem with the radio station," he explained in a rush. "Last minute, I know. I raised a complaint with the judges but they've spent their break time dancing at Apres Ski and apparently Kevin tumbled over Snowmando and they're waiting for him to respawn. In the meantime, I got you all air pods so you can listen to whatever you want."

Mave, Menace, and Mancake inspected the devices curiously while the others took out their various music players and paired the new headphones, with the Mandalorian excusing himself momentarily to stick the headphones in his ears. "Why can't we just hook up our own devices to the cars?" Lexa asked. 

"That's classified."

Lexa scowled, which made everyone uncomfortable. "Shady."

"You're shady," Agent Jonesy muttered. "Everyone set?"

"I do not understand this technology," Mave said, raising her hand. 

"You don't have to listen to music while you work," Agent Jonesy said. "If you don't need it, then don't use it."

Mancake squinted at his. "How do I listen to the Butter Barn theme with these?"

Agent Jonesy sighed. 

Misty Meadows, daytime

Ginger Gunner just wanted to get across town, and fast, and luckily there were plenty of taxis in the area. She jumped into the first one she saw, driven by a recognizable man with golden hands.

It was very loud inside, forcing her to shout her request over the music. She'd expected Christmas music, but instead she got Joywave's "Destruction." She liked the song, just... not at this volume. "Can you boost for six seconds?" she asked. 

Midas ignored her. She cleared her throat and tried again. "CAN YOU BOOST FOR SIX SECONDS?"

He floored it. Ginger Gunner watched the seconds tick by on the radio. "Thank you!" she shouted, but he ignored her. Jerk. She watched the time tick by on the song, sighing with relief when it ended. For a few brief moments, there was silence. Then- Would the soundtrack kindly produce a sound? Ginger Gunner winced. "How are you doing this?" she asked during the brief moment of relative quiet before the song proper began. 

"Don't worry about it."

"But it's the album version-"

"I said don't worry about it. Get out." For indeed, they had reached Ginger Gunner's destination. She got out and waved, but Midas had already floored it. He didn't get very far before he was rammed by another car, flying into a nearby house. He rolled down his window. "FUCK YOU, JOHN!" he shouted, but the other car was already speeding off. 

Shiver was glad she had gotten in the car with Brutus, who had quickly completed her power slide request and was now tearing across the lake as if the taxi were a motorboat. She bobbed her head to the tune of NAME MUSIC's "Boss Battle," which was playing. "Isn't that you in this?" she asked, glancing at him. 

He didn't look away from the road- or rather, the water. "Not my favorite part," he admitted gruffly. 

"What part is?"

"It's later." He glanced at the clock. "You probably won't get to hear it."

And that was true, just not in the way Brutus expected, for the car abruptly sank and exploded for no apparent reason. 

Maya was nearly at Crackshot's destination and was a bit worried, for she hadn't managed to hit a single pedestrian on the way. It was becoming incredibly stressful to drive with his unblinking gaze on her. 

As she rounded the corner and passed the fountain in Misty Meadows, she spotted a figure, yanking the steering wheel toward it. The figure went flying, but she also rolled the car, and Crackshot crossed his arms and managed to glare at her with even more menace as she got out to flip it over. However, once out, she noticed something white at her feet and picked it up, surprised to hear sound coming out of it. She raised it to her ear. 

"Return that at once, or suffer the consequences."

It was Kondor, who was aiming a rocket launcher at her face. Maya kept the air pod in her hand. "Is this... 'Friend Like Me' from Aladdin?" 

Part of Kondor's face glistened rather suspiciously. "Perhaps."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you... crying?"

The rocket launcher wobbled. "Perhaps." 

Maya glanced back at the car, where Crackshot was now leaning out the window with his unsettling gaze, then turned back to Kondor. "Do you... want to talk about it?"

"Perhaps," Kondor admitted, lowering his weapon slowly.

Neither of them got back in their taxis for the rest of the match. 

"Hey man." Lt. Evergreen greeted Midas as he got in the car. "Can you drive offroad for 15 seconds?"

Midas glanced at the requested destination. "Unlikely."

"I'll make it worth your while," Lt. Evergreen said. 

"I'll go fast enough that it won't matter," Midas snarled. 

Lt. Evergreen sighed. "Yeah, he's not going for it."

Midas whipped his head at his passenger. "Excuse me?"

"He's taking the way over the dam-"

"What..." Midas reached over and yanked on Lt. Evergreen's arm. "Are you on the phone?"

"No," Lt. Evergreen said quickly, but a tinny voice that matched his could be heard from his hand. 

"Is that John?!"

"No!"

Midas slammed on the brakes. "Get out."

"That's not how this works."

"Then I'll get out." Midas did so and called his agents while he checked Misty Meadows for another taxi. "Jones is using his snapshots to cheat," he told them. "Don't pick up anyone with his face."

"Roger that," TNTina said, with AC/DC's "T.N.T" playing in the background. 

"Especially you, Skye, since you have the lead," Midas said.

"I would like to thank the Maestro himself for the size of the W we're going to get," Skye said cheerfully. "Death Battle on the Big Bridge" could be heard in the background.

"Which one is that, the Final Fantasy XII version?" Midas asked.

"Record Keeper," Skye said. "Duh."

"Whatever. The rest of you need to step up," Midas continued.

"My cars keep exploding sometime between my and Skye's verses," Brutus said bitterly. 

"Lucky," TNTina shot back. "I wish mine did that. Mine just keep flipping, and then won't stop wiggling so I can flip them back over!"

"I've been too busy being chased by Mancake to pick anyone up," Agent Peely admitted. 

Midas frowned at the silence that accompanied his words. "Weren't you listening to-"

"I turned that off," Agent Peely explained quickly. "Doesn't put me in a good mood when there's someone chasing me and trying to eat me. Although listening to Mancake shout 'COME ON DOWN TO THE BUTTER BARN' on repeat isn't that great either."

Midas sighed, but cheered up when he spotted an upside-down car. He flipped it and was pleased to find Crackshot waiting inside. "Hey Meowscles," Midas said over the comm, checking the area, "can you be at the east end of Misty-"

"I know where you're going with this," Meowscles hissed back, as "I'm a Cat" played in the background. "Fuck you."

Worth a shot. "Anyone know why Maya hasn't answered yet?" Midas asked as he started to drive. "I know we can't count on Deadpool to do anything..."

(Meanwhile, Maya and Kondor sat fishing on the edge of the safe zone. "It is lonely, to only grant the wishes of others," Kondor lamented. 

"I get that," Maya said. "I didn't choose this outfit. Someone else did, and I can't change it." She tugged at her blue scarf. "Like, I wish this could be green for Christmas, you know?"

"Done." Kondor snapped his fingers, and Maya's scarf turned green. She beamed. "Thank you. You're the best."

"I have never failed to grant a wish," Kondor replied.)

"No clue," Skye answered. "But I have an idea about the Jonesy thing."

Codename E.L.F had been waiting for a ride for a long, long time. So long that he was beginning to think the match would end before someone picked him up. 

But finally, a taxi rolled up next to him, and Skye poked her head out the window. "Hey!" she called. "Do you want to be in Smash Bros?"

"Uhhh." Codename E.L.F. hadn't heard this was a possible destination. "Sure, if you can drive in reverse for six seconds on the way."

"Hop in!"

Codename E.L.F. did so, and Skye started driving. "Do you mind if I turn on the radio?" she asked. 

"Go ahead."

Skye hit the button. He only had to hear two beats before his face fell. "This isn't funny."

"No?" Skye turned toward him with a sinister grin as the strings sang their tense notes in the third measure. "It's one of my FAVORITES."

Codename E.L.F. tugged on the door handle, but it wouldn't budge. Skye giggled. "Don't you want to sing along? I bet you know the words."

"It's Latin. I don't know Latin."

"That's okay." Skye slowed down. "We can wait till it gets to the good part."

"That won't be until over a minute into the song!"

"Oh, trust me. I know."

Codename E.L.F. pulled out his phone, sweat beginning to form on his forehead, and phoned Agent Jonesy, who didn't pick up. "Come on, come on..." he muttered. Agent Jonesy picked up as the violins swirled, then- "Oh hell no," went the speaker, then the line went dead quite abruptly. Codename E.L.F. swore and tried again. No response. 

Skye began to sing. "Estuans interius / Ira vehementi... Oh, you know the next part!" She took a deep breath. 

But before she could belt out "Sephiroth!" the car went flying, and instead she screamed, not with surprise, but with fury. She jumped out of the car. "Who fucking dares-" But the sight of Lexa made her pause. "You."

"Good taste!" Lexa said cheerfully. "You know, my dad knows when Part 2 will be out."

Skye's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah. He also gave me the unfinished alphas of the canceled XV episodes. We can play them, if you want."

Skye was drooling. "Yes. Now. Please," she added, as an afterthought. 

Lexa beamed. "Great, let's just go to my house..."

And so they went to Hunter's Haven and did not take any more fares the rest of the match. 

What the hell is everyone doing, Midas wondered, as he floored it across the lake rather uneasily, for his taxi had exploded the last three times he'd tried to do this. Skye hadn't said anything else since her last comm, and now some other team was in the lead by a lot, but he hadn't seen many other cars. He spotted two figures on the edge of Misty Meadows and got out. It was Agent Jonesy and the Mandalorian. "What the hell is this?" Midas asked. 

"Oh, Mando just won," Agent Jonesy said. "He's been collecting stars in the field while the rest of you fought the car physics."

"This is the way," Mando said, as Midas kicked the side of his taxi in a fit of rage. 

Agents: 1 Hunters: 2

Chapter Text

"Due to the fact that both sides undertook dubiously permissible actions in the past match," Kevin began, "the judges have ruled that both teams will only field one duo for this match."

Midas and Agent Jonesy both started to protest, pointing fingers at each other and raising their voices, until Kevin began to glow ominously. "There is no room for debate, lest you want to be flattened," he warned. 

"I wish someone or something would tear you to pieces," Midas snarled. 

"I would prefer not to go through that again, as I thought you'd be aware," Kevin said. "Select your respective duos, gentlemen, and play nice in the future."

Midas returned to his agents and delivered the news. "Dibs," he said, but nobody else had spoken. He raised an eyebrow. "Really? None of you want to do this one?"

Everyone shifted uncomfortably. "Blowing up all the planes doesn't sound fun if we only have one shot," TNTina said. 

"I may land on my feet all the time," Meowscles said, "but that doesn't really help when hitting the ground kills you instantly regardless."

"Fair," Midas said. 

"Lexa said her dad could get me shinies of all the legendary Pokemon to make it up for losing the XV episode alphas and not wanting to breach his NDA about VII Remake Part 2," Skye said, "so I kind of want to do that instead."

TNTina glanced at her. "Uh, Skye? Lexa's starting to sound kind of sus."

"Nah, she's super cool," Skye said. "But Midas, I'm kind of surprised you want this one. You know the storm lowers from above too, right?"

"Yes, but I'm excellent at flying the plane," Midas said proudly. "I practiced with everything from the Unvaulting event in case they were picked."

"That's why you have the drum gun?" Skye paused. "What... what would you have done if they picked the bouncer?"

"I'll leave that to your imagination," Midas said. "Come, Brutus." 

The two men strolled past the hunters on their way across Spawn Island. Midas was surprised to see Agent Jonesy fiddling with his phone. "Aren't you coming?" he asked. 

"Nope." Agent Jonesy blew a bubble with his gum and popped it. "They are." He pointed. 

Midas turned to see Mando and Reese. "Fuck," he said. 

The sky above that dead area on the map surrounded by Holly Hedges, Sweaty Sands, Pleasant Park, and Salty Towers that Shadow thought it would be funny to stick a safe house in despite parking a rather conspicuous chopper right outside the fucking house

"Boss," Brutus said, "can you go for the purple or gold rings first-"

"-because you want your minigun," Midas finished. "I know. We'll tear them to shreds."

But lo, luck was not on their side, for Brutus found himself with an infantry rifle after their first ring. Midas flew toward another one, but Mando was already there, and Reese unleashed a torrent of bullets on them. Midas was forced to roll away, but Mando was hot on his trail, and their plane exploded shortly after. 

Midas boosted as soon as they were back in the air. "I'm not falling for that one again."

"Well, technically we exploded-"

"You know what I mean. Look, here's a gold one-"

But Brutus found himself with a hand cannon. "Boss..."

"I'M TRYING." Midas barreled toward another ring, but Mando dive-bombed them, chasing them away. "Fuck." Midas spun towards a repair circle, then soared into the air. "Do you see any rings we want?"

"Near Salty," Brutus said. "The circle's moving that way anyway."

Midas boosted in that direction. "You know," he said, "you could at least try to use the other weapons."

"I'd prefer not."

Midas rolled his eyes and kept going, but Mando flanked them near Salty Towers, forcing Midas to take evasive maneuvers. Unfortunately, while he was able to dodge most of the skyscrapers, he forgot about the clock tower, and the plane exploded on impact. 

They respawned near the Zero Point, which didn't do much to help Midas' mood. But then he spotted a gold ring, and dove at it without incident, and Brutus finally got his fucking minigun. "Are you quite satisfied now," Midas asked dryly.

"Yes," Brutus said, switching to it. "Let's go." 

Midas angled the plane back up, going as high as he could in an arc before flattening out. He hadn't noticed before now, but his head had started to spin. "Fuck," he muttered. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Where's Mando?"

"Heading toward Weeping-"

But Mando had already seen them, and had promptly started to fire. Midas steered wildly, but the damage kept coming. "Hit him, Brutus!"

"I am, but Reese is shooting at me too, and-" 

Midas heard the drone that signaled an elimination. "Fuck." Midas drummed his fingers on the controls, then made a decision. He jumped out of the plane. 

Better to die than to be killed, he thought, deploying his Classified umbrella. His stomach was rolling as much as his head. He angled toward a tree. Hopefully I hit the ground before-

But Mando had switched to gunning position and sniped Midas right out of the air with the infantry rifle, which did thankfully spare him from vomitting but gave Reese plenty of opportunity to finish off their last plane with her own's guns before Brutus could respawn.

Agents: 1 Hunters: 3

Chapter Text

Things were looking bleak for the agents. But Midas remained stubbornly optimistic, even if the rest of his team was ready to throw in the towel. 

"Teams don't usually bounce back from a 3-1 deficit, Boss," Brutus said. 

"But it has happened," Midas insisted. "We're going to be the Cleveland of Fortnite."

The agents exchanged doubtful glances. "Or we could just call it a day and go sip hot chocolate at Hut Watch and build snowmen," Maya suggested, as a few others nodded. 

"Absolutely not," Midas said. "And what happened to your scarf? It's supposed to be Agency blue."

"Uhhhh." Maya fidgeted with the fabric. "Laundry mishap?"

Midas narrowed his eyes but didn't press further. "Getting back to business, this next match is Score Royale- what?" For everyone had started to groan. 

"This mode is so boring," Skye said. "It takes forever and the team that wins usually has no kills."

"Exactly," Midas said. "That's why I think we have a real shot at a comeback here. After this, we only have Catch! and Pickaxe Frenzy left, and I think Catch! will be an easy sweep with Tina on our side, so that just leaves Pickaxe Frenzy as the wild card."

The agents began to perk up. "I do want to play Pickaxe Frenzy," Skye admitted. "Especially since Lexa's dad didn't deliver on the shiny Pokemon but said there was a way to train unbeatable amiibo so I gave her all mine to train."

TNTina turned to gape at her. "Skye. Seriously."

"Never mind that," Midas said. "Here's the plan..."

Agent Jonesy exited the gas station at Sweaty Sands, perplexed. The place was deserted. Not just the gas station, but the hotel too, and the ice cream store, and the trailer park as well. There was no one at the beach or inside any of the condos or storefronts. He was the only one there. 

He called the hunters. "Please tell me you found someone."

"Nobody at the Coliseum," Menace reported. "Above or below."

"No one at Hunter's Haven," Lexa said. "And I checked below, too."

"I've seen no one in Weeping," Mave said. 

"Me neither," Mancake added. 

"Wait, what?" Agent Jonesy said. "I told you to go to Craggy!"

"I need more of that liquid gold, partner, and I won't land near a rival establishment. But I'll check Butter Barn."

Agent Jonesy sighed. "And the rest of you?"

Kondor reported no one at Misty, Mando saw nobody at Retail, and Reese didn't even see sharks at Dirty. Agent Jonesy frowned. He'd hoped the agents would land at named locations so they could end this quickly, but it seemed they weren't that lucky. "Circle your areas and find them. And Mancake, be sure to stop by Ghost House."

"Will do, Boss." In Weeping Woods, Mancake headed east. He was nearly to the lodge when he realized there was something very wrong. "Uh, Mave? Is everything on fire where you are?"

"Yes," she replied. "I've taken refuge in Slurpy Swamp."

"Wish I had that option," Mancake muttered, as he was now taking an annoying amount of fire damage, but everywhere he looked he saw more flames. He was not interested in being burnt, particularly with the group so spread out. Maybe he could build a tower...

"I wouldn't bother," came a voice from the ridge overlooking the woods. Mancake looked up to see Agent Peely, who was holding a firefly jar. Mancake scowled and aimed his gun, but he only had a gray pistol and was not very accurate. Meanwhile, the fire was still spreading, and Mancake was still not able to avoid taking damage and found himself downed. "Still interested in a banana breakfast?" Agent Peely called. 

"Kondor," Mancake shouted over the comm, "get over here and revive me."

"I am checking for enemies on Lazy Lake Island and cannot get there in time," Kondor responded. 

"Well find a rift-to-go or something! There's an enemy here!"

"Perhaps you should've landed at your assigned post."

Mancake growled in frustration. "I didn't want to do this," he said, "but, I wish-"

That was all he got out, because Agent Peely sniped him before he could finish. Agent Peely reloaded as his comm clicked on. "I said no unnecessary risks!" Midas hissed. 

"This was personal."

"I don't care. Get back to hiding. And if you're going to hide at Ghost House, remember to destroy the Shadow signs-" Agent Peely turned off the comm and headed toward Butter Barn, because he actually was pretty hungry. 

Meanwhile, Midas returned to doing the Pickin' emote and rocked against the wall of Coral Castle, keeping an eye on the score. Meowscles and Skye were far ahead in the lead, just as planned. They still had a few minutes before their position would be revealed, but by then, it hopefully wouldn't matter. The storm was in their favor, fortunately, and the hunters would take ages to get across the map. As long as the other agents distracted them, Meowscles and Skye would win with score, simply by fishing and collecting coins, respectively. 

Well, that wasn't the only thing he needed the agents to do. Grapplers weren't infinite in this mode after all, and rift-to-gos were pretty rare, so there was a small bit of teamwork required to keep Skye's momentum going across the map. But nothing he needed to handle directly, so he had plenty of time to sit here and be a distraction. (He was not, as Skye had so rudely suggested, bait. Totally different.)

And sure enough, his intended target did show himself eventually. "It kind of looks like you've given up," Agent Jonesy said, raising an eyebrow. 

"You haven't been paying much attention to the score if you think that," Midas said. "I'm in first place."

"You mean, Skye and Meowscles are."

"Which means I'm winning by association."

"Whatever. Where are they?"

"Why would I tell you that?"

"Because I actually have a gun and you're doing an emote?"

"You really think I don't have a gun?"

Agent Jonesy sighed. "Look, eventually they'll get marked on the map and I'll know anyway, so why don't you just save us all some time and tell me now?"

"I doubt very much you'll ever know where they are."

"Why?"

Because at that moment, Brutus had arrived with a purple submachine gun. Midas frowned as Agent Jonesy vanished. "I could've handled that. If there's even one unopened chest out there, you're fired."

"I gave all the grapplers to Skye already," Brutus said. "As well as a rift-to-go and the location of a supply llama for when that bonus comes around."

"Good. Good."

Meanwhile, the remaining hunters still hadn't found anyone and were struggling to strategize without Agent Jonesy. Some wanted to resort to collecting coins, others wanted to regroup near the Zero Point, and then there was Lexa. "Why don't we just let them have this one?"

"That is not the way," Mando said. 

"Yeah, we can finish this whole competition now if we win," Reese agreed. 

"Aren't you guys having fun, though?" Lexa asked.

"Not in this match," Menace said. 

Lexa sighed. "Yeah, this match is boring, but we can keep playing if we let them win, and then snatch victory from them at the last moment, right when they think they're safe from the jaws of defeat. It'll be all the more satisfying."

There was silence over the comm for a moment as the hunters considered this. "I would enjoy seeing the agents in another skirmish," Kondor admitted. 

"All of them, or just one?" Lexa muttered. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing. So we're all agreed?"

Reluctantly, they all were, and so they spent the rest of the match avoiding the storm and waiting for Meowscles to catch enough fish and Skye to collect enough coins to win, which they did. 

Agents: 2 Hunters: 3

Chapter Text

While the agents were celebrating, Agent Jonesy found himself giving the hunters another stern lecture. "How did you guys manage to lose a mode where you don't even have to kill anyone?"

"Mostly because we didn't have to kill anyone," Lexa said. "I prefer to be challenged, boss."

"Well, I hope you'll find using only throwable items suitably challenging, because if that's not hard enough for you, the next match will have you only using your pickaxes. So let's wrap this up for real this time, huh?" Then he made them do arm circles until it was time to board the bus, which greatly amused the agents when they walked past. 

"Do you really think that's going to help?" Midas asked Agent Jonesy. 

"Yes," Agent Jonesy said irritably. 

"Then why don't we all land Salty and settle this quickly?"

Agent Jonesy raised an eyebrow. "All of us?"

Midas held out his hand. "All of us."

After a slight pause, Agent Jonesy took it, and the two men shook on it before telling their teams. So naturally, when the bus passed over Salty, everyone jumped from the bus in a mad dash to reach the ground first. Midas watched the cloud of gliders, amused, as he floated toward Hunter's Haven. Fools. 

He landed at Lexa's rooms while Brutus started on the other side of the complex, then met in the middle gazebo when they had finished looting. "So I have twelve clingers, 6 remote explosives, and 6 decoys," Brutus said. "There's also slurp nearby if you need it. You?"

"I have the only thing I need." Midas pulled out a storm flip. 

Brutus looked at it dubiously. "That's it? That's all you grabbed?"

"I have five of them."

"They don't stack."

"I'm aware."

"So your whole inventory is full of just that."

"That's how that works, yes."

There was a pause before Brutus sighed. "I hope you know how to use those."

Midas scowled. "Who do you think I am? Also remind me to buy back Skye's amiibos on ebay. Lexa's selling them."

"Why don't you just grab them now?"

"I can't risk scratching the paint on those, especially when she has a first edition Villager. Now let's go check on Salty."

But as they were passing a building on the edge of town, there was suddenly an explosion where Brutus was walking, and luckily Midas was far enough away not to be caught in the blast. He whirled around and spotted Menace behind him, holding a remote explosive. Midas scowled and instinctively threw a clinger at his face. "We had a deal."

"You're one to talk," Menace retorted. "And I thought I heard you say you only had storm flips!" 

"I lied," Midas said, throwing another before he went to revive Brutus. Behind him, Menace gave chase, but was knocked by the second clinger and was forced to crawl. Once Brutus was back up, Midas returned his attention to Menace. "Where is Jones?"

"I have no idea," Menace said. "He dropped early."

"And I'm the one getting called out for not sticking to the deal." Midas sighed. "Well, since he doesn't seem interested in reviving you, I suppose there's nothing to be done but finish you off."

"I really don't know anything!"

"Shame." Midas threw another clinger and surveyed the area. The remote explosive that had downed Brutus had also destroyed part of the building they'd been near. Midas frowned. There was a staircase visible now, heading down. He and Brutus peered down it as Menace was eliminated behind them. "Where do you think it goes?"

"The office?"

"Maybe," Midas muttered, unconvinced. "You stay here." So he worked his way down the stairs alone, into the hub below, frowning at the symbol on the floor at the bottom. Then the elevator dinged, and Midas turned to the opening doors. It was Agent Jonesy, sliding his phone into his pocket as he exited, freezing as soon as he cleared the threshold and the doors slid shut behind him. "Oh," he said. "Shit."

"What the hell was that?" Midas demanded. "You're cheating again."

"Not cheating so much as, uhhh, classified strategy-"

"Oh no," Midas said, stepping toward him. "You don't get to pull that kind of line on me." He pulled out his storm flip and bashed it against the nearby planter, then brandished the bottle's jagged edge at Agent Jonesy. "How about I give you a scar like mine- wait." For the two of them had realized what he'd just done, and after staring at the ever-growing ball of purple energy emerging from the broken bottle for a moment too long, they both ran for the stairs, trying to shove each other out of the way. 

"You don't have any more of those?" Agent Jonesy asked. 

"Actually no, that was the only one," Midas admitted. "Those things are rare. But I do have these." He threw a shockwave grenade at Agent Jonesy, sending himself further toward the stairs while the other man flew back towards the storm flip epicenter. Then Midas threw a clinger for good measure before sprinting up the stairs, although he didn't quite make it and had to be revived by Brutus when he reached the landing. "So Jones is out, and I'm rather disappointed I didn't get to watch him die," he reported. "Have you heard from the others?"

"Salty is in ruins," Brutus said. "Deadpool got a bunch of people with junk rifts- all of his were port-a-potties, for some reason- and Tina got the rest with the usual explosives. Although they can't find Mave and Lexa."

"They can't hide forever. In the meantime, I suppose we could grab something to eat at Butter Barn." So Midas and Brutus left Hunter's Haven and started down the cliffside, only for Midas to stop halfway down, his eye twitching. "Do you see that?"

"See what?"

"There's a shark in the river."

Brutus lowered his sunglasses. "Odd looking shark, boss. You sure that's not-" 

But Midas was already sliding down the cliff, brandishing a clinger. Before he could throw it, however, he felt something on his back, and realized there was a clinger stuck there. He winced as it exploded, and he whirled around, hoping to find the culprit. 

Lexa stood with a clinger aimed at Brutus, laughing. "This is so much fun!" she said cheerily. "So why don't you stand there and let Mave get you like a good little agent, unless you prefer to watch Brutus go first, in which case-"

They all flinched as there was explosion behind Midas. He turned around and saw Meowscles floating in the water surrounded by loot. "I tried to catch master a fish," he said. "Will master stop bitching about how I murdered him since I killed the fish?"

"No promises," Midas said, and neatly sidestepped the clinger that he knew Lexa would lob. He turned around to see her storm across the sand, clenching her clinger so tightly that cracks began to form on its handle. "Listen here," she hissed, raising her arm, "you golden-eyed son of a bitch-"

But before she could continue her threat, a triceratops landed on Lexa and sent her back to the Stone Age, along with the hunters' chances of winning the round. Midas glanced to his right, where Skye was huffing. "That's for not delivering on those Animal Crossing amiibo cards, bitch," she said. "I've been asking for Lucky to move in forever."

"Excellent work, Skye," Midas commended. "And for the love of God, if you want to buy something, just fucking ask me to do it for you next time."

Agents: 3 Hunters: 3

Chapter Text

"This is it, agents," Midas said, surveying them with pride. "The match that decides it all. Pickaxe Frenzy. Now, I seem to recall teaching you all fencing back at the Agency-"

"Not me," Deadpool said. 

"Well, no, not you, but you weren't supposed to be there to begin with-"

"I don't remember learning this either," Agent Peely said. 

"Maybe if you had spent less time hiding in the vents-"

"Most of us have harvesting tools that aren't sword-shaped," Maya pointed out, "so I don't actually think those lessons really help us here-"

Midas rolled his eyes. "All right, I get it. You can all shut up now. In any case, today, we seize our destiny," he said, raising one of his Kingmaker pickaxes. 

"Um," Skye said. "Where'd you get those?"

"I stole them from Midas Rex."

"Aren't you Midas Rex?"

"Something something Snapshots," Midas said, waving his hand and shrugging. "The point is, we must prevail here. There is no room for error. If we win this, we shall rebuild the Agency as a snow fort beneath the Zero Point and-" he coughed, delivering the rest of the sentence quickly- "maybe give that whole device thing another shot." He grinned. "So who's with me?"

The agents looked skeptical. "You're still giving us bars for this, right?" Maya asked. 

"Yes."

The agents cheered. 

Meanwhile, Agent Jonesy was doing his best to inspire the hunters, but they were already quite prepared. (Well, except the Mandalorian, who didn't have a personal pickaxe, but assured everyone that he was fine with the default.) And so the two teams lined up to board the bus for the last time, under the watchful eye of the judges. 

"Betcha 1000 bars the agents lose," Kevin told the other two, once everyone was on the bus. 

Snowmando and Frost Squad glanced at each other. "Neither of us are willing to bet against that," Frost Squad said, to Kevin's dismay. 

Hunter's Haven

"This loot sucks," Lexa groaned, opening another chest. "Like, who actually uses these sneaky snowmandos?"

"The wildcat," Mave said. "I have seen many beasts hide in such a cunning manner."

"Pretty sure Meowscles shits in a box," Lexa muttered before continuing at normal volume. "And what kind of self-respecting bounty hunter uses rusty cans?"

"A resourceful one," Kondor said. 

"I usually just use these for showing off trick shots," Mancake said, inspecting one. "You guys want a demonstration? We could go to the Butter Barn-"

"No," the other hunters all said at once. 

Mancake crossed his arms. "You guys are no fun."

At that moment, an IO elevator popped up in the middle of Hunter's Haven, revealing Agent Jonesy, who surveyed the group. "You guys all good here? I know there's only like, three items besides shields, but I need you guys to get this done."

"I have a great many rusty cans," Menace said. "Other items are for cowards."

"Uh, yeah," Agent Jonesy said, tugging at his tie, for half of his inventory was filled with rift-to-gos in case things got dangerous. "Everyone else good? Yeah? Let's go."

So the hunters headed down the hill towards the Zero Point, but stopped halfway, for the sands were absolutely deserted. Or so it appeared, as there were sneaky snowmandos arranged in great numbers across the area. Agent Jonesy sighed and took out a rift-to-go. "All right, I'm gonna go check Ghost House because I just know Midas is lurking there. The rest of you get smashing." He shook it and vanished. 

The hunters entered the field of snowmen warily, sticking close to their respective duos partners, except for Menace, who took the lead. None of them were sure where to start, but they all wanted this over with. A few of them started smashing, but they were all empty. 

"This is going to take forever," Lexa groaned. "Especially with sand tunneling disabled."

"But at least they can't hide that way either," Reese pointed out. "Could you imagine how long this could take if they did?"

"I have a better idea," Mancake said, turning to Kondor. "I wish I knew where the agents are."

"It doesn't work like that," Kondor said. "But the nearest bounty board should be near Gas n' Grub, which will tell us the location of one agent."

"That's really far," Reese said, "especially with the river going the way it is."

"Less talking, more smashing," Menace said. "They cannot hide forever. Let's split up so we can cover more ground."

The hunters dispersed, still keeping to their pairs as they smashed snowmen, unaware that they were being watched from the top of the Risky Reels screen. 

Mancake and Kondor found themselves heading in the direction of the Sheriff's Office, which the former was interested in destroying purely for sport. 

"That runs counter to our goal," Kondor said. 

"Rules are boring," Mancake said. "You haven't seen any snowmen move, have you? Bet these snowmen are just a distraction and the agents are hiding someplace else, and where better than here? Got a pretty good view of the circle from here."

So Mancake started to hack the building to pieces, shedding stacks of wood as he went due to the materials limit. However, he did not find any agents hiding inside, much to his dismay. Moreover, when he turned around, he found that there were twice as many snowmen behind them now and when they had started, replacing all of the ones they had destroyed, and he could not see Kondor anywhere. 

Mancake walked carefully through the snowmen, hacking them at random. "Kondor?" he called, taking another empty one down. "Where'd you go?" He thought he saw a snowman move out of the corner of his eye, and he dove for it, but there was no one there. 

It was at that point Mancake- who had robbed trains, banks, and the occasional arboretum- began to feel well and truly spooked, and ran back toward the Zero Point, hoping to find any other duo. He found Lexa and Mave by a crystal and told them what had happened. 

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Just check your map."

Mancake did so, and found that Kondor was back by the Sheriff's Office after all. He thanked her, but Lexa just rolled her eyes. "How you got hired by Jones is a mystery to me."

"Hey, hurtful!" Mancake said. "You're creating a hostile work environment."

"We're bounty hunters," Mave pointed out. "Have you ever worked in a non-hostile environment?"

"Yes, obviously." Mancake rolled his eyes. "I own a restaurant, and let me tell you, not only is it much more rewarding in a moral sense, it's also often more profitable than murder."

"Whatever," Lexa said. "I don't really need the money from this anyway. I already made bank from that guy who bought all Skye's amiibos for like a million bars each."

"YOU BITCH!" came a screech from behind her, for Skye had leapt from her snowman to slam her swords against Lexa's claws. "I DIDN'T EVEN GET JOKER AND PIRANHA PLANT BACK!"

This put the rest of the agents in a rather awkward position, as they were supposed to be waiting for Midas' signal, and all they could hear over the comm at this point was a steady stream of profanity loud enough to make several of them take out their earpieces. 

Meowscles, as Skye's partner, moved in to help, but was promptly blocked by Mave's axe. "Those daggers of yours look more fit for decoration than destruction," she said. 

"They're swords," Meowscles hissed. "And swords beat axes."

"I taught him that," Skye called over her shoulder, whilst in the midst of her fight with Lexa. 

Midas, meanwhile, was still very much angry about his entire plan being foiled. "It was going to be so easy," he muttered, kicking at the screen. "We were going to pick them off one by one- no pun intended since you know how much I enjoy the Pickin' emote-"

"Boss," Brutus tried.

"Actually, pun intended," Midas mused, "because that is pretty funny. I should have thought of that during Fortnitemares, but I was too drunk on power to realize it-"

"Boss," Brutus interrupted, "we need a new plan."

Midas sighed and pulled out a rift-to-go. "You might as well join them while I come up with something," he said, shaking it. 

At this point, the other agents had decided to join in as well, though they were loath to leave the comfort of their snowmen and instead started to waddle towards the hunters, who were attempting to converge on the point where the skirmish began. Once they realized that the snowmen blocked a first attack, they also began to jump into the snowmen, until the whole area beneath the Zero Point was filled with waddling snowmen swinging harvesting tools at each other. 

The Mandalorian found himself bringing up the rear, and couldn't help but slow down a bit as he surveyed the scene. This was, by far, the most ridiculous mission he'd ever accepted, and yet, he found himself smiling a bit at the sight. It would be quite pleasant, he mused, to build snowmen with the Child, or teach him to throw a snowball, or-

Mando's thoughts were abruptly cut off when a rusty can hit the back of his helmet. He spotted Deadpool waving at him. "You know," he said, "this whole match is pointless, right? The author is just gonna create some kind of contrived situation where Midas and Agent Jonesy are the only two left and have to fight to the death, so you might as well have fun. It's amazing enough we got a scene together at all with how much the author hates collabs."

Mando opened his mouth to say that that was not the way, but then reconsidered, as Deadpool was usually right about these sorts of things, and furthermore, the sooner this was over with, the sooner he could get back to the Child. So he started whacking Deadpool, and Deadpool whacked him back, until they were both downed and crawling towards their respective partner to be revived. 

Back at Ghost House, Agent Jonesy was dismayed to find that the place was deserted, and was in the midst of using a rift-to-go to get back toward the Zero Point, but became even more dismayed at the sight that awaited him as he floated down. He landed on the point of a crystal and tried to spot Menace, but instead noticed someone else on the point of another crystal who had also just landed. 

Agent Jonesy and Midas locked eyes. The latter pulled out a rusty can and aimed, but Agent Jonesy used his next rift-to-go before he could throw it, so Midas also used a rift-to-go so he could follow where Agent Jonesy went. The two met in the air and proceeded to kick at each other while gripping their respective umbrellas, which didn't do any damage but was morally rewarding. 

So it was that the final match of the Snowdown was fought around the Zero Point: in the sands below as snowmen, while the teams' leaders fought above. Reese and TNTina locked axes, Agent Peely hacked the pancakes off of Mancake's Josie pickaxe, and Maya and Kondor chose to throw rusty cans at the others until the rest of everyone took notice and started throwing their own cans back. And while some of the skirmishes had begun with animosity, in time, everyone began to relax and enjoy themselves, laughing as they chased each other in the cumbersome snowmen, truly feeling merry in the spirit of the season. 

However, there is an exception to every rule, and during this match, that exception was aptly named Menace. 

Menace relished challenges of all types, putting forth his best effort at all times, so when he noticed people having too much fun, he took that personally and decided to halt this frivolity before it got out of hand. He tore through the snowmen of friend and foe alike, cutting off reconciliations and ribbing and ripening rapport, carving a path of destruction without taking a single hit until there was only one combatant left on the sands: none other than Brutus. 

Brutus had been biding his time, not wanting to disrupt the delicate balance between the teams that Menace had suddenly decided to overturn, hoping that Menace would be worn down by taking out everyone else first. But that was clearly not the case. Menace was just as dangerous now as he had been when they weren't the last teams, and Brutus found himself outmatched. 

Meanwhile, Midas and Agent Jonesy had continued to try and out-rift each other, blissfully unaware of the dwindling player count, but that all changed when Midas heard the downed teammate chime in his ear. He had his umbrella open but still had enough height to resume skydiving and did so, but was still too late to save Brutus, landing on the slope where Menace was lauding his victory. 

"You may have bested me in prior matches," Menace said, "but this melee matches the field where I rose to be champion. You will not be able to win again."

"Perhaps," Midas said, "but this is also where I was once the boss of this island, and I'm not interested in losing again."

"You think you can beat a gladiator when you could not even beat a storm?"

"I am the storm."

"Boooo," came Agent Jonesy's voice from across the sand, making them both look. "That's really corny, man. You can do better."

Midas frowned. "Aren't you going to help him?"

"Nah, he's got it." Agent Jonesy took a seat. "And watching you fail again here, in the center of the island, is going to be really funny."

This was a strategic error on Agent Jonesy's part, as Midas was the sort of man who loved to prove people wrong and this comment only served to fuel his already overflowing rage. Midas sprung at Menace the latter realized what was happening and swung the Kingmakers with such deftness that Menace struggled to match his attacks with his chains, getting downed within moments and hacked to death shortly after. Midas, breathing heavily as he stared at the sand where Menace had been, had a fleeting image of himself covered in blood which would have made this victory much more dramatic, but knew in his heart that was impossible to maintain the rating of both the game and the story. He turned toward Agent Jonesy. "Are you not entertained?"

Agent Jonesy was gaping, but quickly collected himself and broke into the Slow Clap emote. "Okay, I'm impressed," he said, walking down the slope. "If you weren't already here, I would try to recruit you to be one of my hunters."

"You worked for me once," Midas said, moving to meet him. "And I don't think that emote is traversal."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Agent Jonesy said. "After all, you taught me everything I know."

"Did I?"

"Did you?" Agent Jonesy smirked, while Midas scowled. Fucking Loop. "In any case," Agent Jonesy continued, taking out harvesting tools that appeared to resemble the Frosty Globes, "I'm just glad we'll be able to settle this."

Midas narrowed his eyes at Agent Jonesy's pickaxes. "I didn't know those had a purple style."

"They don't." Agent Jonesy waved the globe of one. "These are rift-to-gos."

"Now you're using unreleased items?!"

"I didn't take kindly to you mocking my default pickaxe," Agent Jonesy muttered. "Can we get started already?"

Midas gripped his Kingmakers. "With pleasure."

And so it was that Midas and Agent Jonesy had their fight directly beneath the Zero Point. 

(Back in the lobby, Menace had, however grudgingly, joined the crowd of hunters and agents watching the match on the screen. Chatter rippled through the group as they tried to predict who would emerge victorious. The agents were sure Agent Jonesy had something underhanded up his sleeve, while the hunters were a little unnerved by Midas' beatdown and found themselves skeptical that their employer could compete. But they were all sure, as they munched on popcorn in various festive flavors, that it would be a good fight.)

Midas struck first, but Agent Jonesy sidestepped it and swang at his back, but he'd moved too far to be able to reach. The two danced around each other, jumping and crouching and mostly missing each other while spouting the most toxic and unimaginative trash talk they could muster while slashing repeatedly. It seemed to take forever, and yet it was over rather quickly. 

"Why do you get to travel through the Bridge while I'm stuck here?" Midas asked. 

"Because you're a failure, a traitor, and most importantly, a mistake," Agent Jonesy said. "One that we will not repeat." 

He slammed his staff against Midas' side, and Midas winced as he faded away into a ghost. 

Hunters: 4 Agents: 3

Chapter Text

No, the snow did not cover the entire map for Christmas. But it did reach to Apres Ski, where the hunters and agents and various other island characters had set aside their differences for a party to celebrate the end of their competition and the holiday itself. There was dancing, and singing, and drinking, and Midas was doing plenty of the last option and none of the others. Though it wasn't for lack of trying on behalf of the other guests, who were taking turns joining him at the bar in an effort to cajole him into joining in the festivities. 

The Ghost and Shadow henchmen, for instance, were among the first to try, sitting down on either side of him. "Hey boss," the Ghost henchman said, "can you judge our dance competition?"

"No," Midas said flatly, taking a sip from his incredibly spiked hot chocolate. 

"But we need someone impartial," the Shadow henchman said, "and we figured you would be good because you own all the emotes anyway, boss."

"I still have favorites," Midas said, thinking fondly of Springy, though he was in more of a Waterworks mood. "Get Kevin to do it. He can't do emotes at all."

"Yeah but we don't want to get flattened like Snowmando did, boss," the Ghost henchman said. 

"Don't make me break out Tiniest Violin."

"Well," the Shadow henchman said, "can you at least do shots with us, boss?"

Midas eagerly said yes, but Frost Squad, who was serving as bartender for the event, refused to fulfill that request, pointing out that Midas was on his third spiked hot chocolate, which wasn't even true. It was his fifth; he'd started at Hut Watch before coming here, meticulously cleaning out his Ghost mug so he could hand it over for use here without suspicion. 

So the henchmen, not in that predicament, had their shots- somehow- and left. They were swiftly replaced by Skye. 

"Hey boss," she said, "thanks for buying my amiibos back, but when am I getting Joker and Piranha Plant back?"

"I told you this already." Midas sighed. "Someone got to those before me."

"Are you sure?"

"Check the sale history. That's not me."

Skye looked unconvinced but decided to drop it. "You should come sing karaoke with us," she continued. "Brutus and I just got done singing 'Don't Stop Believing' and you can probably go after Kondor and Maya."

"No thank you."

Skye tossed her head back and groaned. "Come on, boss. You can't just mope here all day."

"Watch me."

"Here, I have an idea." She pulled a 3DS out of her bag. "You can play this! There's a Pokemon game installed on here that I think you'd really enjoy!"

Midas took it warily and turned it on, then scowled at the only tile on the screen. He shut it forcefully and shoved it back at her. "Get out."

"Awww, come on, boss!" Skye pushed it back into his hands. "I know how much you like trumpets-"

"I'm not playing AlphaSapphire."

"But you'll relate so much to the villain."

"I repeat my prior request: get out."

Skye left, and Midas took a rather long sip from his hot chocolate, during which time Chaos Agent slid next to him. Midas glanced at him and raised an eyebrow. "Should you really be here? Jones is right over there, doing the disco emote to Merry Mix for reasons that are completely beyond me."

"Do you really think some default in a suit is a threat to me?" Chaos Agent said. "Besides, Kevin is here."

Midas rolled his eyes and returned his drink. "What do you want, anyway?"

"Merely to point out the irony that you, who tried to stop the storm, wanted to give the island a snow day."

"I'm aware. Is that all?"

"Hardly. I could mock you for hours," Chaos Agent said gleefully, but before he could continue, Kondor and Maya were walking down from the loft and spotted him. Kondor headed to the bar. "Excuse me," Kondor said, "but I heard you once ran a lamp store?"

"Shit," Chaos Agent said, standing and checking his wrist. He headed for the exit. "Good heavens, just look at the time-"

"Wait," Kondor said, following, leaving Maya stranded. She looked at Midas sheepishly, then left. 

Midas sighed and took another sip of hot chocolate, frowning at how little was left. Did drunkenness carry over between loops? He hoped so. 

Finally Jules sat down next to him. "I got you a present!" she sang, holding up a wrapped box embellished with a shimmering golden bow. 

"You shouldn't have," Midas said dryly. 

"Well, I knew you guys weren't gonna win your little competition," she said, setting it before him on the counter, "so I figured you would need some cheering up after you lost!"

"It can't be any worse than your last attempt." Midas untied the bow and opened the lid. He laughed. Inside the box were three amiibos: Joker, Piranha Plant, and King Knight. "This is actually pretty funny."

"Thank you. Now shut it before Skye sees."

He did so. "Where did you get enough bars to outbid me?"

"Remember when you bought me GameStop stock?"

"Ah."

"I got you something else too." Jules set down a cylindrical object. 

Midas picked it up and inspected it. "You really are a genius. You got it working." 

"Actually..." Jules scratched the back of her head. "We just had the Child open the vault and grabbed them. Knocked the kid out for a few hours, but by that time, Mando was back, and he kicked Singularity's ass before she could do anything about us stealing from her."

"Not bad for someone who's not an agent." Jules scowled as Midas activated the lightsaber and grinned at its red beam. He downed the rest of his hot chocolate. "Come, Jules," he said, rising. "We have an Order to undermine."

And so it was that there was no snow on Christmas, but there were lightsabers, to the delight of everyone who was able to find one and create chaos with it. This attracted the attention of the Seven, who had missed all chances to use lightsabers before, and the Scientist was so enthralled with them that he engineered the B.R.U.T.E. in Reese's room to use one and put it back in matches. This, of course, made everyone quit the game again, except for Jules, who worked with the Paradigm to rift herself to an iOS device, where she was still relevant as a boss. 

The end.