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Danny ran his fingers through his hair, using all of his self-control not to tear it out strand by strand. Steve was standing in front of him, posture rigid, eyes controlled and cold.
“Danno, please just try and understand.”
“Don’t you dare use that nickname, my daughter’s nickname, during a conversation in which you are informing me that you are embarrassed to be seen with me.”
“I never said I was embarrassed to be seen with you.”
“Not in so many words, but you definitely implied that being seen with me wouldn’t be a good thing.”
“I’m trying to protect you, Danny. The last thing I want to do is go to this banquet without you.”
“Right, so that’s why you asked Catherine to accompany you even though your husband has the night off, which you knew because you are my boss and approve my work schedule.”
“Danny, DADT hasn’t been repealed for even a year yet. You have to give it time to settle in, let the fallout die down a little.”
“Steven, I believe you were the one that made a big stink about us getting married legally the day after that stupid bill was repealed. I didn’t care one way or the other, mainly because I knew this stuff was never going to change. You may be okay with putting my name on the line that says spouse, but you are not okay with having me at your side at some Officer’s banquet. I get it, okay, just don’t patronize me and say this has anything to do with protecting me. This has to do with all the macho-man Navy bullshit hammered into your head through training, all of this has to do with your crap and your fear of truly coming out to your fellow sailors.”
“It has nothing to do with that.”
“Bullshit.”
“Danny, I don’t have any issue with people in the Navy knowing about you. If I had any problem then I never would have listed you as my spouse, I wouldn’t have been so annoying about getting our civil union license, and I never would have pushed so hard for you to become Avery’s legal guardian. All of those things show that I’m not embarrassed about our relationship.”
“But yet you still decided to invite your ex-fuck buddy as your plus one rather than your husband. It’s not like he wouldn’t want to go to some ceremony in which you are being recognized for your heroic efforts in Korea. No, I don’t care about that at all.”
“Catherine was never my fuck buddy; we’ve always been friends who happened to enjoy each other’s company on shore leave. And she’s not my plus one, both of us were invited and we just decided it would make our lives so much easier to go stag.”
Danny bit back the tears that were threatening to well in his eyes, instead focusing on the anger bubbling up inside him, pushing back the hurt and pain that was clawing its way out, trying to break through, “Fuck you, McGarrett. You think life’s easier stag then I will make life much simpler for you and get out of your way.”
“Danno…” Steve went to grab Danny’s arm as he made his way towards the stairs, intent on packing an overnight bag and crashing on Chin’s couch for the rest of the week.
Danny shrugged away from Steve’s grasp, “Let go, Steven. You have no idea how you’ve made me feel. I’m leaving and I’m not coming into work unless we get a high priority case that requires all hands on deck. I’ll work from home catching up on all my paperwork.”
“But, Danny, this is your home.”
“Right now it doesn’t really feel like it.”
*H50*
Steve threw the covers off the bed as he huffed and sat up, glancing at the bright red lights on the bedside table: 0400. Steve groaned, flopping back against the pillows, a hand going over his eyes. He tried to will himself back to sleep, using all sorts of meditation techniques he had learned in the SEALs. Time clicked by and after unsuccessfully trying to fall back asleep, he glanced back at the clock and saw that it read 0405.
‘Damn,’ he thought, ‘I was sure I had wasted at least fifteen minutes.’
Deciding that sleeping any longer was a lost cause, he got up and grabbed his board shorts from the bathroom. If you had told Steve only a few years ago that he would be grumbling about waking up at 0400 he would have laughed in your face, but five years ago Danny Williams became a constant presence in his life and Steve had never been the same. After countless morning complaints and rants, Steve had succumbed to Danny’s pressuring and had altered his morning routine. For the past two years Steve had consistently been getting up at 0600, still with plenty of time to get a good swim in but not enough to do some of the house chores he usually got done in the mornings.
His mood deteriorating even more quickly at the mere thought of Danny in bed beside him, Steve pulled the shorts up and made his way downstairs, towards the awaiting ocean, checking in Avery’s room to make sure she was still sound asleep. Leaning his head against her doorjamb, he tried not to think about what she would say when she realized that Danny hadn’t come home the night before, making that the third night in a row.
Steve had been able to brush it off for the first two days, claiming that Danno was at work late and probably just fell asleep on the couch in his office. But that excuse wasn’t going to work much longer, especially because Steve was looking worse and worse for the wear; he couldn’t sleep without Danny by his side.
Steve closed the door slightly, and walked downstairs, careful to skip the squeaky step. The cool dawn breeze was wafting through the open porch windows, and Steve took a deep breath of the salt air surrounding him. With one more deep breath he walked out the door, towards the ocean and a grueling morning swim.
Steve came back to shore an hour later, thoroughly wiped, but feeling slightly more grounded. Grounded enough to at least fake it convincingly in front of Avery. As Steve moved towards the deck chair to grab his towel, he paused when he realized that there wasn’t a towel on the chair.
Danny placed a dry beach towel on the chair every morning while Steve was in the water, fluffy and warm for when Steve decided his morning exercise was finished.
Without Danny there, Steve was left to fend for himself and managed to scrounge up a semi-damp towel Avery had draped over the porch rail the night before. It wasn’t nearly as comforting as the clean, dry towel he was used to, but it would have to do for now. Drying off enough to walk through the house, he stopped in the kitchen to grab his regular morning cup of coffee when he realized that, again, there was nothing in sight because Danny made coffee every morning. Cursing, Steve made quick work of filling the coffee filter with grounds and placing fresh water in the machine. As soon as the machine burbled to life, Steve went upstairs for a shower.
Steve couldn’t help but notice so many things that were missing because Danny wasn’t there. The small things Danny did on a daily basis that Steve had overlooked or had gotten so used to that he barely even bothered to say thank you or acknowledge how helpful it was. Steve had taken advantage of Danny’s giving nature without even realizing it, and now he was paying the price.
Okay, okay, Steve is man enough to admit that he did a lot worse than forget to say thank you for a clean towel and cup of coffee every morning.
He was mature enough to realize that he had screwed up and hurt Danny’s feelings, but at this point he wasn’t sure how to fix it. How was he supposed to take back his decision to not invite Danny to the Officer’s Banquet on Friday? He really didn’t know why he did it in the first place, wasn’t sure what possessed him to think going without Danny would be the right thing to do.
Whatever it was, Steve was cursing it now because all he wanted was his husband back. Steve loved Danny, loved him with all his heart. And no matter what Danny said, Steve was not ashamed of their relationship.
He truly wasn’t.
He was very aware of how it appeared, him deciding to attend the banquet alone, but it had nothing to do with wanting to hide Danny away.
It had everything to do with hiding his past from Danny.
Danny knew that before Five-0 Steve was a SEAL. That fact is not a secret. But Steve was pretty sure that Danny really didn’t have any semblance of a clue what that truly meant, what Steve’s old job really entailed and some of the things that he had done.
Steve couldn’t forget the look on Danny’s face the day they watched SEAL Team Nine take out the cartel, couldn’t forget Danny’s reaction to the reality of Steve’s job.
Steve was being honored with the Distinguished Service Medal for a mission he led in North Korea. Although the specifics of the mission are classified, Steve knew that general details of his actions would be presented at the ceremony, details that he wasn’t ready for Danny to hear.
Steve didn’t ask Danny to come because he couldn’t handle losing him, losing him because of the career he had before they met, because of things he did before they fell in love and started their family.
Steve didn’t think Danny would understand.
In the end, Steve ended up pushing away the one person he was trying to pull closer, and he was stuck as to what the best course of action was from here.
“Dad,” a small voice questioned from the doorway of the bedroom. Steve turned towards the door to see Avery clutching her stuffed seal, rubbing sleep from her eyes.
“Good morning, sweet pea,” Steve smiled and pulled her into a tight hug, “Let’s go get some breakfast, hmm?”
Avery nodded her head and grabbed hold of his hand and led him downstairs. She climbed onto her normal chair at the kitchen island and sat silently as Steve began to move around the kitchen making breakfast. Steve watched her out of the corner of his eye as she studied him, her critical eyes looking him up and down for signs of trouble.
“Where’s Danno, Daddy?”
Steve sighed, hoping that he could put this conversation off longer, “He’s not here this morning, sweetie.”
“Oh, will he still pick me up from school? Thursdays are Danno’s pick up days.”
Steve silently groaned, forgetting that today was Thursday. It was a tradition they had started a few years ago. On Thursday afternoons, unless there was an active case, Danny took the afternoon off and picked up Grace and Avery from school and the three of them would go do something fun. Tuesday afternoons were Steve’s day. The girls loved the special time with each of their Dads and squealed with joy every time they came to pick them up.
Steve knew that no matter how angry Danny was with him, he would never let that interfere with his job as a father.
“I’m sure Danno will be there, but I will call and make sure, just to be safe.”
Avery nodded her head and sipped at the orange juice Steve had placed in front of her. After a few more minutes of silence, her small voice filled with air once more, “Are you and Danno getting a divorce?”
“What?” Steve was definitely not expecting that, “No, no, Danno and I are not getting a divorce. Why would you ever think that?”
“Tommy said that when parents don’t love each other anymore, one parent moves out and they get a divorce. I really, really don’t want you and Danno to get a divorce.”
Steve abandoned his task and walked over to Avery’s side, pulling her into a hug, “Avery, Danno and I are not getting a divorce. We just needed some time to solve a problem, but we still love each other very much. But, more importantly, no matter what happens between Danno and me, we will always love you.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, sweet pea?”
“If you aren’t getting a divorce and you still love each other, why is Danno not living here anymore?”
“Danno still lives here, sweetie, but he needed to spend a few days with Uncle Chin to figure some things out. It’s very temporary; he will be back before you know it.”
“What does Danno need to figure out?”
“It’s a long story, Aves, and something you shouldn’t worry about.”
“Well, whatever it is, I’m sure that Danno isn’t as angry as you think; you know he just likes to get worked up over small things.”
Steve laughed, wishing that Danny’s anger was blown out of proportion, “I don’t think that’s the case this time, but we will work this out, I promise.”
“Good, because Danno loves you, always and forever. He told me that.”
“He did?”
Avery nodded her head, “Yeah, the day before you got married. He brought me to get shave ice and told me that he loved you forever and always, and that I never have to worry about losing him or losing two parents who really love me. He said that all he wanted was for us to be happy and to be a family, through all of the good things and the bad things that happen.”
Steve felt his heart sink. Avery’s words made him realize that Danny would always love him, in good times and in bad. Steve never had to worry about Danny’s reaction to his past, to the things he’d done as a SEAL. It might be hard at first for Danny to wrap his head around certain things, but Danny never forgot the man Steve truly was. Being a SEAL was a job, and Danny knew that that job entailed some difficult things that Steve would rather forget.
Danny would understand; Danny would understand that Steve did the things he did to protect this country and the people he loved.
Kissing Avery on the forehead, Steve had a plan, and he knew exactly how to make things right.
*H50*
Danny groaned and hit the keys on his laptop a little harder than was absolutely necessary. Chin, unfortunately, chose that moment to walk in the door.
“Brah, go home and make up, you know that’s what you’ve wanted to do for days.”
“No,” Danny said defiantly as he pushed the laptop out of his reach, less chance of destruction that way, “That will only make Steve think that what he did was right.”
“I’m pretty sure Steve already knows that he fucked up,” Chin sat on the chair opposite the couch Danny was currently using as a bed, “He’s been walking around like a zombie, snapping at everyone and being generally unpleasant to be around.”
“His unpleasantness is his own fault. He thought life would be easier on his own, so I gave that to him.”
“Danny, you know just as well as I do that Steve McGarrett has serious issues with normal human emotions, and very frequently does things that appear one way when he really means them in another way.”
“I’m well aware of that fact, but I’m sick of it. I’m tired of having to use my McGarrett decoder ring to figure out what he’s really saying or what some decision really means. My patience is wearing thin.”
“But you knew this when you decided to marry him.”
“Yes, I did, and I expected to have to figure out why he thought it was necessary to store enough heavy artillery in our garage to survive World War III, I expected to have to decipher the feelings hidden behind his tough exterior. I did not expect, however, to have to figure out why my husband felt it prudent to not invite me to a banquet he was being honored at.”
“I’m not going to defend that decision, Danny…”
“But…”
“But, I just think you probably need to give him a chance to explain. My guess is that there is some reason, albeit a little crazy, that caused him to not invite you. No matter what you say, Danny, I know you know just as well as I do that Steve loves you and is not embarrassed to be seen with you. He married you; he listed you as his spouse on all his paperwork. He goes back to base one weekend a month, and many of the people there know who he’s married to. He doesn’t hide it, trust me. I’ve gone to Pearl with him a few times since DADT was repealed for interviews and such, and he will see sailors he’s met over the years. They ask him, Danny, they ask him how his life is, if he’s married, has kids. And you want to know what he says?”
“I’m sure you will tell me regardless.”
“Because you need to hear this. He says he has two girls, Grace and Avery. He pulls out the picture of the three of you he keeps in his wallet, and points out each girl. He says that they are both ten years old and the two most precious girls he’s ever met. And then, Danny, and then he says that his husband’s name is Danny, and that he’s a detective from New Jersey who moved to Hawaii five years ago. He says that you are loud and brash and unapologetic for your mainlander attitude, but that he’s never been around anyone who gets him more than you do. He has never once lied about you or hidden his relationship with you, not once.”
“Well he wouldn’t lie with you standing there. He’s clueless, not stupid.”
“I’m not always standing there, Danny.”
“Fine, then if he’s not ashamed of me, then why did he insist on not bringing me to the banquet tonight?”
“Because he’s stupid and didn’t learn his lesson about mammal-to-mammal interactions from his loving husband.”
Danny’s head whipped around towards the front door, where, standing in his dress blues, was Steve.
“What are you doing here,” Danny’s mood darkened.
“I’m here to apologize and to, hopefully, bring you to the banquet tonight, if you’ll still accompany me.”
“Why would I want to go now?”
Danny saw Steve’s face falter, slightly, before he answered, “I’m not embarrassed of you, Danny. I’m embarrassed of myself and some of the things I’ve done. The mission I’m being honored for, it’s not something I’m proud of. Yes, I did save my unit from almost definite destruction, but what we did before, to get us into the mess we were in, that’s not something I’m proud of, or something that I want you to hear about. I don’t want you to see the man I was. I want you to see the man I’ve become.”
Danny felt his anger dissipate as Steve stood in the doorway of Chin’s house, shifting nervously from side to side. He got up and walked towards his husband, “Steven, I love the man you’ve become. You are an amazing father, friend, and lover. I couldn’t ask for anyone better to spend my life with. But, I’m not ashamed of the man you were and you shouldn’t be either. I’m as equally proud of the man you were as the man you are now. You never have to hide that part of who you are.”
“I’ve done things in my life, Danno, that I’m not proud of.”
“It was your job, and I know that.”
“I never wanted to go with Catherine.”
“I know.”
“So, will you do me the honor of being my date tonight? There’s no one I would rather have at my side.”
“I would be honored.”
And Steve grinned and pulled Danny into a deep kiss, holding him close, showing him everything he was incapable of saying.
“I love you, forever and always,” Danny whispered into the crook of Steve’s neck.
“Forever and always, Danno.”