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Sugawara was on the sidelines with Daichi, Kiyoko, and the coaches as they supervised the boys practice for their upcoming Dumpster Showdown with Nekoma.
“They’re getting better every day, but remember that Nekoma is practicing just as much as we are,” Coach Ukai said to no one in particular.
“Yeah, and they know that. They really want to win this.” Daichi responded.
Ukai turned to him and said, “Take a look at Tsukishima, I’ve never seen him practice so intensely. It’s good to see that he’s finally getting into it.” The captain nodded and the two began to discuss strategies and rotations to beat Nekoma while Takeda yelled out some words of praise and encouragement to Tsukishima.
“Daichi,” Sugawara interrupted, “Tsukki usually has better form, doesn’t he? And his balance seems to be a bit off, too.” Daichi looked at the boy in question. “I’m not imagining that, am I?”
“I noticed it too. He’s just tired, though. Apparently he was up late studying for a test. I wouldn’t worry too much about it”
“No, it has to be something more,” Suga insisted. Daichi didn’t know why his boyfriend suddenly became serious, but he trusted him, so he turned back around to continue his discussion with the coach. Sugawara had a talent for understanding how all his teammates were feeling, but he struggled with Tsukishima. On top of being the hardest to read, he was also a first year, so they didn’t know each other all that well.
He isn’t very trusting, so even if something’s wrong I know he won’t tell me. The only person he’s close to is…
“Yamaguchi!” Suga called out, motioning for him to come closer. When they were both out of earshot from Tsukishima, he asked, “Is Tsukki okay? He seems to have trouble balancing. I know he stayed up late last night, but something else seems to be bothering him. Something deeper.”
Yamaguchi seemed taken off-guard by the question, so Suga leaned in closer and continued, “I don’t mean to pry, but if it’s something serious, at least Daichi and Ukai need to know. This can affect the whole team.” He whispered their names so as to not grab their attention. “I know you’re the only person he listens to, so could you please talk to him for me? If he’s still like this before the game, I’ll have to tell the captain.”
“Yes, sir!” Yamaguchi squeaked, before running back onto the court.
“ I know he stayed up late last night… ”
The sentence repeated itself in Yamaguchi’s head. It’s true that he had a test that day, but he knew for a fact that his boyfriend went to bed earlier than usual. He’s been sleeping a lot lately.
He fell asleep on the phone with me last night. Why would he lie?
Yamaguchi continued to practice serving to Tsukishima.
Something definitely has been different about him since we started high school, but that’s only natural, right? Is he hiding something?
After practice was over, Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima his water bottle. “Can I come over today?”
“Shut up,” Tsukishima responded. Both boys knew that the rest of the sentence was a silent, You don’t even have to ask, because you know you’re welcome anytime.
Yamaguchi played along with his signature “Sorry Tsukki!” and he giggled as he was pulled in for a hug. Tsukki smelled different this time--usually he smelled good, but something seemed… off. Toxic, almost.
The only other time I remember him smelling this bad was a couple years ago when--oh, no…
The realization settled in.
Has he been eating enough?
Yamaguchi and Tsukishima walked home together holding hands, as they always did. The weather was perfect, just a little bit cooler than it was inside, but Tsukki’s hands were like ice.
“Let’s stop at Sakanoshita for some buns. My treat,” Yamaguchi said, unusually stern, as he gently tugged his boyfriend in the direction of the store.
A breeze passed by and Tsukishima tried not to shiver. “Okay, only if they have red bean.” They went inside and Tsukki ordered two red bean buns, which Yamaguchi paid for. They ate them on the way home.
Yamaguchi watched his boyfriend take slow bites, almost as if it were painful. “Did you eat today?” he asked.
“Yes.” Tsukki sounded as if he’d been accused of something.
“Good. What was it?”
“Toast. And a red bean bun. Your serves are getting much better than before.” He changed the topic.
“Thank you Tsukki! Your receives were good too. Our senpais noticed that you seemed more enthusiastic than usual.”
The boys arrived at Tsukishima’s house. They kicked off their shoes and Tsukki collapsed onto the couch, arms open for Yamaguchi to lie on top of him. He felt the blood rush to his head now that his heart didn’t have to work so heard to reach it. Yamaguchi gave him a kiss and then rested on his lover’s chest. His belly was noisy.
“Does your stomach hurt?” Tadashi asked.
“A little bit.” He reached for the remote and turned on the television. It was a rerun of something they’ve already seen, but it made for some nice background noise. “It hurts to eat sometimes.” Tsukishima struggled to hide his shame.
“You’re relapsing,” Tadashi whispered after a moment’s hesitation, “I should have noticed sooner.” He heard Tsukki’s heart speed up.
“Am not. I’m just not that hungry lately. Maybe I’m coming down with something,” he bluffed.
“I saw the way you moved on that court today. Forgive yourself.” Yamaguchi pleaded.
Tsukishima always pushed himself especially hard on days he ate breakfast. He felt like he had to make up for it. Dizziness meant he was doing well. Being off-balance was a sign of strength because it meant that he could persevere, even when his body was failing him. This was his way of showing himself he was in control. He took a shaky breath. “You can always see right through me, can’t you?” He sounded defeated.
“How long has it been?”
He stayed silent. Yamaguchi craned his neck to look up at his boyfriend’s blank expression. They stared at each other until he finally answered, “What I do to myself is my business, not yours.” Tadashi’s face scrunched up and he returned to his original position, swallowing hard to stop his tears from spilling.
“Sorry Tsukki. I love you. Let’s watch something nicer.” He hugged him closer before reaching for the remote and flipping through the channels. “Tangled!” he exclaimed, excited to see that Tsukki’s favourite movie was on, even though they missed the beginning. “Sing with me.”
Heal what has been hurt.
Change the fates’ design.
Rapunzel’s voice soothed Tsukishima a little bit. He’d never admit that he liked these movies, but he couldn’t hide anything from Tadashi. He was outed months ago, when Yamaguchi was sitting beside him as “I Just Can’t Wait to be King” played just a little bit too loudly from his cheap headphones. Tadashi remembered making some snide joke about the King of the Court.
Save what has been lost,
Bring back what once was mine.
Yamaguchi hugged his boyfriend close as his face kept heating up. He knew he couldn't force his boyfriend to get better. He couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped. Tsukki did not like to be pushed by other people. This had to be done at his pace, and all Yamaguchi could do was try his best to be a good influence. He heard a rumble come from deep within Tsukki's body.
What once was mine…
He thought about him and Tsukishima as kids. When he was picked on for his appearance, Tsukki stepped in. His hero, who wasn’t scared of anything. The boy who was always in control of himself and never intimidated by anyone. The one who always seemed completely unfazed by most things.
Tsukishima could get attached to movies, music, dinosaurs… things that could never leave him. They were predictable and always there. He trusted Yamaguchi with his life, and he loved him more than he’s loved anyone. But when you’re at the cliffs edge, even if you know someone’s there to catch you, it’s still scary. And he was more scared of himself than anything else.
How could he tell so easily? I even ate right in front of him… It’s normal for your stomach to make noises after you eat.
The first time things got really bad was in middle school. He knew he’d grow taller than everyone else because it ran in the family. His older brother played volleyball at a powerhouse school and he felt like he needed to keep up with him. He needed to be tall and lean, like a proper athlete. That’s when he started fixating on his appearance.
I’m nothing without my body.
He liked the way he looked now. It was a really hard process, and it took him a long time to become okay with it. Tsukishima honestly didn’t know why he fell back into his old patterns. It felt the same. The hunger pains were unbearable, until they weren’t. And eventually they’d go away and it would hurt more to eat than it would to not eat. This was when he started to smell bad and feel dizzy and cold all the time. But it was different from before.
What am I scared of?
He felt hopeless and confused, although he took a strange comfort in the familiarity of the situation. It was one of the only times he felt certainty--the moon rises every day, eventually you will die, hunger will always hurt. He let himself wonder how bad it could get for him. Part of him really wanted to hit rock bottom, to be a complete wreck. See how much of it he could take before he gets hospitalized. It was a sick game to play.
Last time he starved, it was middle school, and Tadashi didn’t know until it was over. He was too young to be so sick, and his friend was too naive to know what was happening. He was spiraling again, but this time both boys knew better.
That only made him feel worse.
I’m weak.
The boys were in practice again. Tsukishima was practicing blocks when Daichi called him over.
“How much did you sleep last night?”
“I don’t know, about… ten hours?” Tsukki responded too quick. He forgot about the lie he told Daichi last week.
“Really? Your balance is getting worse. Are you dizzy?”
Tsukishima was blanking on what to say, but he knew that too much hesitation would make him suspicious. “Maybe it’s vertigo,” he shrugged.
“You can’t keep practicing in that state, it could only make your condition worse. Go sit out with Takeda for now.”
Tsukishima’s heart sank. He was being benched. Were all Tsukishimas destined to end up on the bench? “No, I’ll just go home.”
“If you’re dizzy, you need to stay here with someone. Sit on the bench.”
“Yamaguchi can walk me. Practice is almost over anyways.” He knew he successfully escaped the situation when he heard Daichi calling Yamaguchi’s name.
“Yamaguchi!” it was Daichi’s voice. Tadashi followed the sound and saw Tsukishima with the captain. It looked like something was wrong, so he dropped everything and ran over.
“Is everything okay, captain?”
“Tsukishima is dizzy. Can you walk him home?” Tadashi nodded and moved his body closer to Tsukki’s for support. The taller boy leaned on him and they were both dismissed. When they made it outside the building, they turned the corner and sat against the wall. Tsukki put his head between his legs in an attempt to stop the dizziness. He looked devastated.
“Have some water. It’ll help.” Tsukishima took a small sip from his water bottle and his stomach growled. It was uncomfortable for him to not be empty, even if it was just water. He waited for the world to stop spinning around him before standing up slowly.
“Come to my house,” Yamaguchi said as he stood beside Tsukki to support him. “I hope you know that none of this is your fault.”
Tsukishima sniffled, but his eyes were dry.
What should I do?
They walked slowly together, and when they got to Yamaguchi’s place they collapsed onto his bed. “Tsukki…”
“You don’t need to feel bad for me. All Daichi asked was that you walk me home.” He took out his phone and started playing a mindless game, but it was snatched from him after the first level.
“Stop pretending that nothing is wrong!” Both boys were startled by the sudden courage that Yamaguchi had. “And I’m not feeling bad for you! Is it so wrong to be worried about my boyfriend? To want him to be healthy?” Tsukishima was stunned as the other boy continued, “What you do to yourself is my business because I love you.”
“I’m sorry that my health makes you feel bad,” he replied sarcastically. “You didn’t have to take me to your house.”
“Do you think that attachment is bad? That I’m hurting myself by being with you?” Yamaguchi didn’t know when he started crying. “Is it anyone’s fault that I love you?”
“Leave me. I’ll only self-destruct in the end.”
“No! You don’t have to! We both know that you can pull yourself out of this. You’ve already done it once. Are you just doing what’s easy? What are you telling yourself?”
“I don’t know!” Tsukishima exploded. He started crying too. “I guess… I just want to see how much I can take.”
“Are you seriously using illness as a measure of strength?”
Silence.
“Illness as a measure of strength.”
The stillness that followed was eerie. It was as if two wild beasts had encountered each other. Circling each other, waiting to see who’d make the first move. The stillness before battle.
“Doing what’s easy.”
No, that can’t be it. I’m dying. Nothing about this is easy.
Tsukishima wanted to come up with a witty retort like he always did, but he was at a loss. The other beast wasn’t Yamaguchi--it was himself. The rational side, and the sick one. It was worse than that though. He didn’t know where one ended and the other began.
The beasts weren’t just circling each other. At this point, they’d been dancing together for so long their bodies started to intertwine. And Tsukishima had no idea where he was. Was he the prey they were fighting over?
Who would win?
I shouldn’t have yelled at him.
Tsukishima had gone home, leaving Yamaguchi in his bed to stare at the ceiling. He stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars Tsukishima helped him put on his ceiling years ago, when Yamaguchi still couldn’t reach his own ceiling from his bed.
I took it too far. I let my emotions take control of me.
He took out his phone and sent a text.
To:
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ tsukki ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
10:43pm: im sorry
11:37pm: i shouldnt have yelled at you today
11:38pm: i was selfish. none of this is about me. i should have been more patient with you.
11:56pm: goodnight love. i hope youre having a good dream (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)*:･ﾟ✧
He knew his boyfriend was already asleep. Tsukishima probably went out as soon as his head hit the pillow. These days, he had barely any energy left. Yamaguchi tried to sleep, too, but his inner turmoil made him restless.
The next day, he sat in his usual spot at school, anxiously tapping his foot. He was always one of the first students there, and Tsukishima was usually one of the last. It’s been ten minutes since school started though, and he still hasn’t heard anything from Tsukki since he left his house last night. His chest was tensing up and his heart started skipping beats.
To:
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ tsukki ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
8:41am: tsukki
8:41am: are you okay?
8:42am: where are you?
His hands started to shake. His stomach was in knots when his phone finally went off.
From:
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ tsukki ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
8:47am: Shut up. I’m at home
8:49am: <3.
To:
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ tsukki ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
8:49am: sorry tsukki! ٩(๑> ₃ <)۶♥
9:16am: i’ll come over after school
It’s good that he’s taking the day off. He really needs it. I hope he’s taking care of himself.
He was planning on getting red bean buns on the way home, but he didn’t tell that to Tsukki. If he did, Tsukishima wouldn’t eat anything at all until then because he knew more food was coming. He knew that his boyfriend would appreciate the buns--it’s not like he didn’t eat at all. He tried his best to have toast in the mornings, but sometimes it hurt too much. His favourite thing to eat was smoothies because they were easy to digest and they didn’t feel like food to him.
Yamaguchi spent the rest of the day staring at the clock, until the final bell finally rang. He practically sprinted to Sakanoshita to get the buns. Ukai was there.
“Hey, Tadashi. Tsukishima isn’t with you today, huh? Something happen?” He took a drag on his cigarette.
“He’s not feeling well.”
“Still? Damn. Daichi told me he had vertigo but I didn’t know it was that bad.” Yamaguchi put the buns on the counter to pay for them. Ukai took one last drag and then crushed his cigarette into the ash tray. “Is that for him?”
“Yeah, I’m going to his house now.”
“Don’t worry about it then, it’s on me. Tell him they’re from his coach and that I’m hoping he feels better soon.”
“Thank you sir!”
“No problem, kid.”
He took the bag and continued running to his boyfriend’s house. When he was almost at the door, his phone buzzed.
From:
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ tsukki ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
3:43pm: The door’s open. Come in when you’re here.
Yamaguchi did as he was told, and when he walked in he saw Tsukishima on the couch watching a dinosaur documentary and drinking milk tea. “I brought you the buns you like.”
“Thanks. Put them on the counter.”
“Coach was at the store. He asked why you weren’t with me. I said I was going to your house because you aren’t feeling well and he gave me these for free.”
“That’s nice of him,” Tsukishima responded, as he felt a pang of guilt shoot through his body.
Yamaguchi sat beside him on the couch and asked, “Are you upset?”
“No. What you said last night… you were right. I couldn’t bear to go to school today.”
“I was too harsh,” Tadashi’s eyes watered.
Tsukishima shook his head. “I needed to hear it from someone. Better you than anyone else, honestly. It’s just way too much for me to process.” They were sitting a few inches apart from each other, not quite sure how to act. They both seemed intensely focused on the documentary before Yamaguchi broke the silence again.
“Come to my peer support group. It’s in the same building as my therapist and they’re doing it next week. It’s only once per month and I always look forward to it.”
“No way.”
“Think about it. Please. You won’t even have to talk. It’s normal for the newer members to just sit and listen for their first meeting because it takes a while to warm up to everyone.”
Tsukishima sighed. He had a week to think about it.
Before he knew it, there was only one more day until the support group. Tsukishima still hadn’t decided whether he would go. He definitely didn't want to, but he knew it would be good for him.
It was more a question of whether he was ready to make that first step. He’d never been to something like that before.
A couple years ago, when the problems started, he had to see a social worker against his will. He didn’t want to be there. It just felt like a place he went to snitch on himself. Sometimes he’d come out feeling even worse.
Fuck it. I trust Tadashi.
It was a drop-in. He could always chicken out at the last minute, or even come up with an excuse to leave halfway through. Tsukki sent his boyfriend a text before he could change his mind.
To:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
4:51pm: I’ll go.
4:54pm: To your group tomorrow.
He set his phone down and tried not to think. He’d been skipping volleyball practice all week since he no longer had the energy for it. Daichi and Ukai knew it was more than just vertigo, but he tried to hide the truth from them as much as possible. Tsukishima was taking a short hiatus from volleyball. That was all his team needed to know. The captain made sure that no one bothered Tsukki or Yamaguchi about it.
From:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
5:19pm: yay!! i love youuu
5:20pm: i’ll come to your house around 4:30 tmrw! it starts a 5pm & we can ride our bikes there ( ˶˘ ³˘(⋆❛ ہ ❛⋆)!♡
Tsukishima microwaved some popcorn for himself and played games on his phone, trying to waste the rest of the day.
It was finally Tuesday, the day of the support group. School was over and Tsukishima went home while Yamaguchi stayed behind for volleyball practice. Tsukki sat at the kitchen table and did everything except homework. He cracked his knuckles, bit his nails, stretched, tried to crack every joint in his spine, and then decided to get up and actually do something. He paced around the kitchen, looking for anything else to do as he waited for his boyfriend to arrive on his bike.
Finally, he heard Yamaguchi's bike bell and then three knocks on the door. He immediately pulled in the smaller boy for a hug.
“Hi, Tsukki,” he breathed. “Nervous?”
“No.”
Yamaguchi giggled. “Don’t worry, I can hold your hand the whole time.” Tsukishima broke the hug to sit on the couch, and Tadashi followed. “Do you want to hear about the people who might be there?”
“Yes, please,” the whole thing would be a lot less nerve wracking if he knew exactly what to expect.
“Well, I can’t tell you about everyone because that’s against the confidentiality rules, but usually there’s only about four other people. The main facilitator is called Haruki. He’s about thirty years old and he’s been there longer than I have. He’s also a therapist, but I think he specializes in memory and attention disorders. I think the other facilitator will be Sora…” He continued his monologue, introducing every person who’s ever facilitated a meeting. “It will probably be a small group today, since this time of year tends to be pretty peaceful for most people… I expect, maybe, two people, not counting us or the facilitators. Likely Shun and Itsuki, but I can’t tell you anything about them. They’re both amazing people though. The waiting room has six chairs and the walls are light yellow with warm undertones and…”
Hearing this calmed down Tsukishima a lot. He almost felt as if he’d already been there. Now he just had to do it.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked Tadashi.
“Yeah!” he beamed, “Let’s get our bikes!”
It was a short ride, less than fifteen minutes. Tsukishima’s sweaty hand grasped Yamaguchi’s as soon as he got off his bike. “Can we… stay outside a bit longer?” They were right on time, but sessions tend to start a bit after the hour.
Tadashi nodded and held his boyfriend’s hand with both of his own hands before lifting it up to kiss it. His hands were a little bit smaller than Tsukki’s, with perfectly rounded and filed nails, but his nail polish never seemed to be fully intact. It was always chipped, smudged, or cracked in some way. They stood there for a moment facing each other, his thumb gently tracing circles onto the taller boy’s hand before letting go to wrap his arms around him. Tsukki rested his head on his lover’s shoulder.
“Let’s go in. I’ll never be ready,” Tsukishima took a shaky breath and followed the shorter boy inside. It was just as Tadashi described, except…
“Five seats.” Tsukishima whispered and tensed up. It seemed like a small thing to get upset over, and it really was quite out of character for him, but it didn’t match the image in his head. Tsukishima was already overwhelmed by uncertainty so when the little information that he did have turned out to be wrong, he tensed up.
Yamaguchi reached for his hand. “I’m sorry, Tsukki. There are usually six.”
The receptionist overheard and said, “Oh, don’t worry! The sixth seat is right here, behind my desk. Thanks for reminding me, Tadashi.” He stood up from his desk and brought the sixth chair back to its usual spot. “Sorry about that. I had to help Haruki with something on my computer and he wanted to sit down.”
“It’s okay, Ikeda! Who else is facilitating today?” Yamaguchi asked. He seemed to know everyone pretty well.
“Sora. Who’s this?”
Yamaguchi looked over at Tsukishima, who was frozen. He gave him a moment to respond. “I’m Tsukishima.”
“Nice to meet you, Tsukishima. I’m Ikeda. Pamphlets are on that wall if you want to learn more about our services, and you can help yourself to the tea over there. Let me know if you need anything.” Tsukki nodded and Ikeda left.
“He’s really nice, right?” Yamaguchi smiled and leaned his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you for making it here.”
Another person came into the waiting room.
Who are these people? What will they ask me? What will they make me say? What if their problems are worse than mine and they think I’m weak? What if my problems are worse than theirs and they think I’m weird? What if-
“That’s Itsuki,” Yamaguchi said softly as he waved at his friend.
“Hi Tadashi! Who’s your friend?” Tsukishima watched him take a seat on the other side of room.
“I’m Tsukishima, his boyfriend.”
“Woah! That’s him?” Itsuki said to Yamaguchi. He looked impressed, and Tadashi has never looked so proud.
Yamaguchi has talked about me? What did he say? What does this guy know about me? Who is he, anyway? How come I didn’t get to know anything about him but he gets to know about me? How much do the facilitators know about me? Why-
Finally, a thirty-something year old man walked in from the hallway. “Hello everyone, you can come in now. Follow me.” That must be Haruki.
Fuck. Shit. Okay. Why aren’t my legs working?
He wiggled his toes to try and get some feeling back.
I have to get up… one, two, three…
He wanted to lean on Yamaguchi for support, but his boyfriend was already ahead of him, having a conversation with the other guy. He quietly followed behind everyone as they navigated an unnecessarily complicated hallway.
Haruki unlocked a door and let the boys inside. “Sora will be here too, but she’s running late today.” he announced as he pulled out a chair for himself. It was a small room with two couches, a coffee table, and a couple of foldable chairs leaned against the wall. Tsukishima sat on one couch with Yamaguchi so Itsuki had the other for himself. “We’ll start without her,” Haruki added once everyone was comfortably seated.
“Since we have a new member today, let’s all quickly introduce ourselves. My name is Haruki and I’m a therapist here. I’m currently in university studying to become a psychologist and I plan to do research on neurodiversity and early education.” He motioned towards Itsuki to introduce himself next.
“I’m Itsuki. I’m in second year of high school and I live just outside Miyagi.”
Haruki smiled and nodded before saying, “Let’s also do an icebreaker! Hmmm let’s see… how about we all name one reason we’re proud of ourselves today?”
“I’m proud of myself for…” Itsuki paused to think, “today there was a bug in my house and I put a cup over it for my mom to deal with when she gets home.”
“Good job! That’s a big step for you! Oh, and I should go over the rules too. The meeting is two hours, with a ten minute break in the middle. Be nice to each other, everything we say here stays here, and if you ever need to step outside, you can, no questions asked. If you want a facilitator to come outside with you, ask us. Tadashi, do you want to go next?”
“I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi and I’m proud of…” he seemed to be thinking really hard, but Tsukishima could think of at least ten things he was proud of Yamaguchi for in the last hour alone. “...today I raised my hand in class! I was really scared but I didn’t get called on. Good thing I didn’t because my answer was wrong,” he laughed.
“That’s huge! Even though you didn’t get called on, it must have took a lot of courage for you to do that. Maybe next time,” Haruki said while Itsuki fist-bumped Yamaguchi to congratulate him. “Alright, next!”
“My name is Tsukishima. I'm here with Yamaguchi.”
“Very good. What are you proud of?”
He was blanking. Eventually he decided to say “I got enough sleep last night,” and he was praised by Haruki and Itsuki, who assumed that he usually didn’t sleep enough. Yamaguchi and him knew, though, that he got more sleep than necessary because he lacked energy. Tsukishima genuinely couldn’t think of anything he was proud of.
“I’m proud of Tsukishima for coming here today!” Yamaguchi said, knowing that his boyfriend only said what he said because he couldn’t think of anything else.
“I agree,” Haruki said, “the first session is always nerve-wracking.” Someone knocked on the door. “Oh! That must be Sora.”
He opened the door and a girl in her early twenties walked in. She was short and had blue hair. “Cool, a new member! I’m Sora.”
“Tsukishima.”
“Nice to meet you! Did I miss introductions?”
“We just finished, but the prompt was to say one thing you’re proud of yourself for doing.” Haruki told her as she pulled out a chair for herself and placed it beside him.
“Ooh, good one! Lemme think… see this?” she showed everyone her nails, which were short and jagged and painted green. “I fidget with my hands a lot so I’m going to see how long I can go before peeling this off. It’s a test of strength and self-control.”
Yamaguchi laughed and showed his own smudged nail polish. “I can’t even keep my hands still while they dry!”
“Right? It’s so hard! Picking at my nails is a nervous habit of mine so I’m trying to stop it,” Sora responded. Another person knocked on the door and she answered it. “Hi Masuko! Have a seat, we already started.”
Masuko walked in and sat on the couch beside Itsuki. “I’m Masuko.” She said to Tsukishima.
“Tsukishima.” He responded.
Yamaguchi didn't tell me about this person, but he seems to know her. Do all these people know each other?
Everyone he’s met so far was very welcoming and this was an easy crowd to fit into, but Tsukishima couldn’t help but feel like an intruder.
“How are we all feeling? How was your month?” Haruki asked the group.
Itsuki answered first. “It’s been fine. I miss when we used to meet every other week.”
“Me too,” Haruki responded, “but there just wasn’t enough demand for this group. It was supposed to get cancelled but we did what we could.”
Itsuki continued, “Yeah, it’s not too bad. I like that it’s a small group. It’s more comfortable that way. Anyway, I got a new video game last week so I’ve been playing it a lot.”
This piqued Sora’s interest. “That’s great! What is it?”
“Animal Crossing: New Horizons!”
“I love that game. Does anyone else here play it?” Sora asked the group. Yamaguchi and Masuko both nodded and they agreed to exchange their friend codes so they could play together later.
They all went around and discussed their interests. It was nothing like Tsukishima expected. He imagined that it would be like group therapy where people spilled their secrets and cried and generally made each other uncomfortable with grand displays of emotion. It really was just teenagers hanging out and relating to each other. There was something really nice about it.
“When I played with my friend, she dug up all my flowers!” Itsuki pouted. The rest of the group reacted as if this was a crime of sorts.
“Block her,” Masuko joked.
Tadashi joined in, “Change schools!”
Itsuki laughed too. “I could, but I’ll just meet someone shitty in a different school. It’s all the same soup, just reheated.”
“What’s with that metaphor?” Sora chuckled. “Go on, though.”
“Well, I’m not sure what it is but I just don’t have much luck with friends. I meet people, and then either we stop talking as soon as we’re not in the same class anymore, or we keep talking but they treat me badly. I’m starting to think I’m the problem.”
“It’s hard when you can’t hold a friendship,” Haruki responded, “but do you have any reason to believe that it could be you?”
“I guess I’m just asocial. I think my anxiety got worse after starting second year because everyone’s already formed their cliques and I’ve been left behind. It’s not like first year where you just talk to the person next to you.”
Tsukishima finally spoke. “I’m getting worse too. I’m in first year, but all my old problems seem to be coming back. I don’t know why.”
“Maybe it’s the adjustment,” Sora suggested.
“High school just sucks in general, no matter what year you’re in,” Masuko added. She was probably trying to be helpful, but it made Tsukishima feel worse. It’s only been a couple of months and it was already this bad. How much longer could he deal with it? How much worse would it get?
“You know, whenever things get worse for me, I really wanna hit rock bottom for some reason,” Yamaguchi said, “I have no idea why.”
Itsuki continued talking, “Same here. Especially with my recent relapse in my social anxiety, part of me wants to see how awful I can get. Maybe become a hermit and see how long it takes for me to get hospitalized. I… want to ruin my life?”
Tsukishima knew exactly what Itsuki was talking about. The other members seemed to also understand. They sat together for a while in their despair.
Haruki nodded and asked, “Do you feel like you’re waiting for your big moment? A turning point of sorts?”
“Woah! That’s exactly it!” Masuko was excited to finally have words for this feeling. “At least for me. It’s like a movie, right? You want to see everything go to absolute shit so that the climax is interesting and then you can start your recovery and go back to normal.”
Sora continued after she was certain that Masuko was finished, “Life isn't a movie though. You make your own turning points and you can make a big decision at any given moment. You don't have to wait around for the writers to do it for you.”
Everyone nodded in agreement. “Woah,” Itsuki breathed, wide-eyed. It seemed like a lot for him to process. Realizations like that are never easy.
“You can never go back to normal,” Tsukishima interjected, “We’re stuck like this forever.”
Haruki nodded. “Why did you come here, Tsukishima?” He meant it genuinely, and there wasn’t even a hint of accusation in his tone.
“Well… I know that ‘better’ exists, because I’ve been better. If I’ll just end up in a cycle of constant relapses and getting better though, what’s the point?”
Everyone’s attention stayed on Tsukishima for a moment after he finished. When none of the other members seemed to have an answer, Haruki spoke up again. “You can never be certain that won’t relapse again, and you can never make your bad thoughts go away entirely. But, once you learn to live with it, it doesn’t bother you so much anymore. And you start to become an expert at noticing your own red flags, so that maybe not every single relapse feels like a new all time low. And maybe they’re easier to prevent, or to pull yourself out of, because you gain more skills and experience.”
The group began to speak about their own relapses, recounting the timelines of their mental health, and Tsukishima began to feel like part of the group. Until that day, he didn’t have any words for these feelings, and he couldn’t imagine that anyone else could relate to it. He wondered how many other feelings he had that he didn’t understand or pay attention to. What other parts of himself did he not have a name for?
After some time, Haruki said, “Well, we’re at the one-hour mark, so it’s technically our ten-minute break. I’ll stay here in case you need me,” He turned to Sora and asked, “Do you want to get some fruit and donuts for the group?” She nodded and left.
“How are you feeling?” Yamaguchi asked, casually placing his hand on his boyfriend’s thigh. “Is it what you expected?”
“Not at all.”
“Better? Worse?”
“Much better. Thank you.”
“Good. I love you. I’m really proud of you, you know?” Yamaguchi beamed.
“Tsukishima,” Haruki said, “is it your first time in this building?”
Tsukki nodded, and Haruki continued. “There’s quite the waitlist, but the therapy we offer here is paid for by the government. We have all kinds of therapists with different specialties so when Sora gets back you can talk to her or the receptionist about it.”
“I don’t know…” Tsukishima responded. Even though he was having a good time, this was already way out of his comfort zone.
“No pressure!” Haruki said, and then leaned back into his chair to signal the end of the conversation.
Yamaguchi and Tsukishima kept talking about the group, and then eventually got off topic ad started telling stupid jokes like they always did, until Sora came back with a fruit tray and a big container of powered donuts.
Tsukishima hasn’t eaten all day, but he did have some juice in the morning. He really was trying his best, but he was nervous and had no appetite. He didn’t realize how dry his mouth was until he ate the powered donut. It felt weird. He had a slice of watermelon to get the feeling out of his mouth.
“I don’t understand why this is so hard for me,” he said out loud. “It’s not like I dislike how I look.”
Haruki nodded, encouraging Tsukishima to say more.
“I was fine a month ago. I don’t know what happened.”
“What is it?” Sora asked.
“Disordered eating. I struggled with it in middle school and it came back.”
“I see. Well that isn’t always about body image. For some people, it’s more about control.”
Tsukishima paused to take in that information.
“I’ve realized way too many things today,” he breathed, as the second half of the session officially started.
Tsukishima never thought about it that way. He never considered himself a control freak or anything like that, but when he sat with that information for a while, it all came together.
I can’t control the outcome of the game. I can’t control what the other team does, or even what the other members of my own team do. I could get benched at any given moment. I can’t control how other people see me. I’m always uncertain.
He couldn’t handle it so he tried to assert some control over his own body and its basic functions. It was sort of like an anchor for him, except instead of keeping him in place it dragged him even further into the depths of despair.
The session was over and Tsukishima was alone in his room. He decided not to set up a therapy session because he was too overwhelmed at the time, but after sitting with his thoughts for a while, he knew it was best for him. He’d call the place in a couple days.
From:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
9:51pm: thank you for coming with me!
9:51pm: how are you feeling? still overwhelmed?
To:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
9:56pm: Thank you for taking me.
9:57pm: I never said I was overwhelmed
9:57pm: I do have a lot to think about though. Maybe I will make an appointment, but I doubt it could help
From:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
9:58pm: depends on the therapist. mine is really good but she specializes in mood disorders…
9:58pm: no harm in trying though, right?? haruki did say it was free
To:
Yamaguchi Tadashi
10:00pm: True. I don’t think anyone can help me though if I’m not very good at talking about my feelings.
10:02pm: Goodnight.
Tsukishima set his phone down and tried to sleep. He’d talk about this more tomorrow in person, since he didn’t like texting.
Tsukishima would be going to Yamaguchi’s house after school ended, so he decided to sit in volleyball practice just to watch. He wanted to play, but his body wasn’t quite ready to move like that.
Funny how that works. I starve myself to gain a sense of control, then my body renders itself useless. It must hate me.
His teammates seemed happy to see him, but they didn’t know how to act around him. Not with Daichi standing around him to protect him from invasive questions. Tsukishima sat on the bench with Daichi.
“Good to see you in practice today. Feeling better?” Daichi asked.
“Somewhat. How much do you know?”
“I only know what I was told. Your condition is something like vertigo but not quite. It isn’t contagious and it makes your body feel dizzy and weak, but it’s treatable. You just need to rest and take care of yourself and it should go away on its own. Is that right?”
“Yeah, that’s about right,” Tsukishima sighed. He wasn’t ready for anyone but Yamaguchi to know what was going on.
Daichi nodded. “I’m going to practice with everyone else, so you can sit with the coaches until we’re all done,” he stated as he got up and joined the rest of the team.
Tsukki daydreamed on the bench while everyone else practiced, only ever paying attention when Ukai occasionally pointed out one of the players to him. Soon enough, practice was over and he began walking with Yamaguchi to his house.
“You did well, Yamaguchi.”
“Thank you Tsukki!” Yamaguchi responded, taking his boyfriend’s hand.
“I thought more about what you said. I guess strength isn’t based on how much trauma I can take.” Tsukishima tried hard not to slouch. It was never easy for him to talk like this.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Strength isn’t about pain. Not about how much you can take or how much you can inflict. I think strength is when you can keep your head when everything around you is awful. It’s when you can fight against whatever brings you down.”
“Do no harm but take no shit,” Tsukki recited, as if he were reading it. “What’s that from?”
“No idea.”
The boys turned towards Yamaguchi’s house and went inside, heading straight to Tadashi’s bedroom. Tsukishima sat on the bed with his back against the wall, playing with Yamaguchi’s hair as his head rested on Tsukki’s thighs.
“What you said last night about not being good at talking about your feelings… therapists are used to that. Not many people are good at it, you know?”
Tsukishima leaned down to kiss his boyfriend. “Guess that makes sense.”
“And hey, maybe that’s something you can work on in therapy. It’s a skill just like anything else. Maybe being more accepting of your feelings and being able to express them might be really good for you.”
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima responded, because he was flustered and didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t like being exposed like this. Yamaguchi was really the only person who could say something like that and get away with it.
“Sorry Tsukki!”
“You’re right though,” he forced the sentence out. It’s like he had to completely abandon his pride whenever he opened up.
Open up? I didn’t even say anything. This was essentially Yamaguchi monologuing, yet I feel so exposed, as if I just told him my life story. He really can read me like a kid’s book.
“I’ll set up the appointment tomorrow. Let’s watch a movie now.
Tadashi sat up. “I’ll make popcorn!”
“Can you make a smoothie too?”
Yamaguchi was beaming. “Of course! What kind?” He kissed his boyfriend before standing up.
“Strawberry.”
It wasn’t much, but it was better.