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Bland rice turns salty on Tooru’s tongue, having soaked up countless teardrops. The swallow is heavy and painful as Tooru gorges himself on the bowl of rice cradled in his dainty setter hands. Each time, the lump in his throat aggravates the feeling of more food being pushed down into Tooru’s pained stomach.
Tooru abruptly slams the rice bowl back down onto the coffee table, the rice bowl responding with a shrill clink! It’s a wonder that Tooru hasn’t broken any of their bowls yet in this exact manner, considering how often it happens.
His immediate response to the crippling self-doubt that eats at him consistently is to eat and binge. It was a terrible habit for him back in high school, being a member of the volleyball team, captain no less. He would double his warm-ups and cool-downs to burn off the calories that built up out of despair.
That’s a lie, though. Normally, his immediate response is to look for the Moon. As much as he ached to text Hajime, Tooru was too weak. Sitting here, wallowing in his own sadness with only himself as company, it was dark. As dark as the moonless night.
Hajime had left to go get groceries about an hour prior, in an effort to have Tooru sleep a healthy amount. Tooru thumbs at the note that was stuck to the fridge.
Going to get groceries
Go back to bed
And stay there Stupidkawa
His finger traces the trails of the pen, of Hajime’s neat handwriting. The sound of Hajime opening, shutting, and locking the door woke Tooru up, and he had nothing left in him to attempt to go back to sleep. He had woken up from a recurring nightmare that’s plagued his nights for many years, Hajime leaving him.
It’s as plain and simple as it sounds. Hajime is going to leave him, simply because he’s had enough of Tooru’s antics. It’d be no surprise. Tooru knows that he’s clingy and annoying and quite frankly, he wouldn’t date himself.
It’s only when the door creaks open that Tooru snaps out of the thought cycle momentarily. Hajime is carrying more than one bag in each hand, the reusable ones that Tooru bought a while back. Tooru turns his head to marvel at the lines of curves of Hajime’s arm muscles flexing to carry the weight of the bags. It’s one of Tooru’s favorites. Favorites meaning parts of Hajime to caress while in bed. A sigh slips from his lips unconsciously, mostly due to the sight of his Moon. He’s not looking at Tooru initially, kicking off his shoes next to the door, but Tooru’s solemn sigh catches his ear.
“Shittykawa?!” Hajime’s face scrunches in annoyance. “I told you to go to be—”
His face drops when he registers Tooru’s full presence. A forgotten bowl of rice sits on the coffee table next to Tooru’s shaky hand, which lifts briefly in a lazy attempt at a greeting. Tooru had cast his eyes down, gaze fixated on the intricacies of the carpet. Puffy eyes and red noses are what punch Hajime in the gut simultaneously.
“Tooru!” Hajime’s voice softens rapidly.
“Hajime…”
Tooru bolts straight up on wobbly legs after responding. He turns his back towards Hajime out of shame and embarrassment. Sure, Hajime had seen Tooru like this many times before, more than anyone else in Tooru’s life. But it’s still hopelessly humiliating, Tooru being so vulnerable.
“Tooru. Come here.” He can hear Hajime’s voice growing in volume behind his back, presumably approaching him. Tooru almost flinches away, but he doesn’t.
Strong, warm arms wrap around Tooru’s waist. The heat from Hajime’s skin bleeds through Tooru’s shirt and into his body. Out of reflex, Tooru places his arms around Hajime’s.
“I’m sorry…” whispers Tooru pathetically. The noise that comes from his mouth is humiliating.
He feels Hajime’s hair brush his neck. Hajime hooks his chin over Tooru’s shoulder, Tooru now being able to admire his facial features from a much closer distance. Although, he almost collapses at the feeling of Hajime’s body being flush with his own.
“What do you have to be sorry for?” Hajime asks genuinely. He angles his head to have a better view of Tooru’s face, which is turned towards Hajime.
“For not being enough, for being clingy, for being a god awful boyfriend. I’m sorry Hajime, just please,” Tooru hiccups when more tears escape, “please don’t leave me.”
He knows it’s only a dream, a horrible, awful nightmare. But having the same false memory imprint itself in his head over and over and over and over again begs a question. Maybe he does want to leave me? Surely, having that nightmare repeat that many times teases a possible truth. No matter how ugly, unwanted, and devastating the truth is, it has far more grace than a beautiful lie.
Tooru falls to his knees, bringing Hajime down with him. Hajime grunts in surprise, but it doesn’t keep him from holding Tooru’s broken face in large, calloused hands. Tooru squints his stinging eyes open to the tear-blurred image of his Moon piercing into his eyes.
“For fuck’s sake, Tooru. I’m not leaving you. Ever. Not even when the Earth blows up.” Hajime’s voice is low, raspy, and it scratches behind Tooru’s ear. Tooru stays silent, disregarding the choked sobs pouring out slow.
His tone turns stern. “You’re enough.”
Those two words strike Tooru’s heart. A strangled sob releases itself from Tooru, the first of many. But, not out of despair. They were tears of thankfulness, of relief. His Hajime could realize that, and promptly shut his mouth. Dream Hajime sounded so distorted, so wrong.
“I’m leaving.”
It was the blurred reflection of the Moon in the reflection of the ocean. The conjured image of the Moon was haunting Tooru so horrifically. The omnipresent true voice of the Moon overshadows the mocking imitation by lightyears. Tooru slumps into Hajime’s body in relief, sobbing into his beating chest. Hajime holds Tooru with the carefulness of a porcelain doll and simply does. He lets Tooru cry and cry and cry into his chest while combing his fingers through the chocolatey hair.
After crying out the pieces of his soul, Tooru falls asleep in Hajime’s protective hold. He doesn’t hear Hajime whisper to his sleep-struck body.
“I love you.”
Lighting up the void of the night, the Moon never told the Earth, “You’re not enough.” It’s the celestial romance between the Earth and the Moon. Tooru and Hajime. Just what would we do without such unconditional and pure affection? Their love lights up the whole sky.
When all is said and done, the lingering dust of the Earth and Moon, seeking each other amongst the stars, will whisper,
“I love you.”